Pure as the Lily

by Catherine Cookson

  Mary said nothing to this but looked at Jimmy gulping on his spittle as if to get over an obstruction in his throat; then, his eyes cast down, he said, The ma’s awful, going on all the time, like mad, Mary. “

  He was looking up at her now.

  “I’d watch out.”

  “What d’you mean?”

  “She keeps sayin’ what she’s going to do to you.”

  “She can’t do anything to me.”

  ‘you never know. You know something? “ He gulped again.

  “I heard me grannie telling me gran da that she egged me da on, she told him he had to go and smash Mr. Tollett up, and smash up his shop an’ all. She egged him on, screamed at him.”

  “She did?”

  “Aye.”

  “Oh, me ma! She’s wicked. Jimmy.”

  “Aye, I know. I wish I could come and live with you, Mary.”

  “Aw, Jimmy, Jimmy, be quiet. I... I don’t know how long I’ll be livin’ here me self If anything happens to Ben I’ll have to go to me grannie’s.”

  “I wish I could come with you to me grannie’s.”

  Well, you know you can’t, you’ve got to be educated. That’s her mania, educating you. “

  “I know, and I don’t want it I don’t, really I don’t, Mary.”

  She shook her head and looked down at the square paving-stones in the yard, then at the boxes lining the walls, as if searching for an answer to her thoughts, and she almost said. It was to get you clothes for school that she came here

  Ql

  in the first place, so you’ve got to stay there. But she knew that wasn’t right; she knew why her mother came here. It wasn’t for money, for she already had a good job doing for Mrs. Bainbridge, three doors down from Mrs. Turner.

  “I’ll have to be going.”

  “Wait a minute!” She went back into the shop and took a shilling from the till, and when she pushed it into Jimmy’s hand, she cautioned him, “Hide it, and don’t let on.”

  “Oh ta, Mary, taI, I will.”

  “The best thing to do is to leave your coppers at Grandma Walton’s and pick them up when you need them.”

  “Aye, Mary, I will. And, you’ll look out for me ma?”

  “Yes. Don’t worry, I’ll look out.”

  She hadn’t really needed Jimmy to warn her, it had been at the back of her mind, like another peril to be faced.

  “Ta-rah, then.”

  Ta-rah, Jimmy. “

  At twelve o’clock Annie Tollett came and took over. At one, Mary left the house for the hospital, and not until she was standing with the other visitors did she realize how empty-handed she was; everybody was holding either bunches of flowers or bags of fruit. But what did it matter? Ben wouldn’t mind.

  When the doors were opened and she entered the ward she saw with relief that the curtains were no longer around his bed. She approached him slowly, and stood over him and said softly, “Hello, Ben.”

  “Hello, Mary.” He had difficulty in moving his lips.

  “Are you feeling better?”

  “Yes... oh yes.”

  Self-consciously she pulled a chair nearer the bed, and then she sat down and took his hand. You’re going to be all right? “

  Yes. “

  They stared at each other for a long time until he said, haltingly, “The time ... is long. I’ve been ... waiting for you.”

  She nodded, and then whispered, “And me, I’ve been wishing the hours away.”

  He pressed her fingers. The grip held some strength and brought a smile to her face. They sat in silence, just looking at each other, and then he said, Tm sorry, Mary, I’ve . brought this trouble on. on you. “

  “No, no, it’s me.”

  He closed his eye as if in protest.

  “No. No, you were innocent, too innocent.” When he opened his eyes it looked deeply sad and there was silence between them again until he murmured, “Mary, you’d better know I’ll ... I’ll be disfigured. There’ll be a scar ... from top to bottom.” He touched his bandaged face.

  She gazed down at him, and she saw that he was greatly troubled about this, and he would be because he was a good-looking man. She said quickly under her breath, “It’ll make no matter to me. I don’t care what you look like.”

  Again there was a pressure on her hand, and again silence. It was difficult to talk; people who were in both their minds must not be mentioned, her da, her ma.

  After a while she told him about the shop and about Mrs. Mulhattan coming in and how she had received her, and his hand kept pressing hers in appreciation of her efforts. And then she told him what she had meant to tell him the moment she came into the ward, about his cousin Annie coming over.

  “That’s good ... Annie’s good at heart; bluff, but good at heart.”

  Then after a moment, during which he seemed to gather strength, he said on a surprised note, “And she came over the day?”

  “Yes.”

  —”That’s something; you can’t get her out of her house on a Sunday as a rule.”

  When the bell rang she stood up immediately, then bending, she shyly placed her lips to the side of his mouth and held them there for a moment.

  She was standing now, holding his lopsided gaze.

  “I won’t see you till Wednesday, visiting day, but I’ll phone.”

  “Bye-bye, Mary.”

  “Bye-bye, Ben.”

  She walked backwards for a short distance and his eye lingered on her.

  There was a drizzly rain falling when she got outside, she was glad of it because it hid the fact that she was crying, and she chided herself sternly for this. If she was crying now what would she be doing in a little while when she met her da . if she met him.

  She took a tram from the corner, down Fowler Street to the centre of the town, from where she made her way to the police station.

  Sunday seemed to have settled on the police station as well as on the town, and she pushed the door open into the dusty room that looked like an office. There was nobody to be seen, but when she reached the counter a door opened at the far end of the room and a policeman came in. He stood behind the counter, his hands flat on it, and smiled at her.

  “Aye?” he said.

  “And what can I do for you, miss?”

  “I’m ... I’m Mary Walton.”

  “Yes.”

  Me da “Aw, you’re his daughter. Alee Walton?”

  “Yes:

  “Well’—he put his head a little on one side ‘he’s all right, lass.”

  “Can... can I see him He looked down towards the floor at one side of the counter, then to the other side, then back to her again before he said, “ Just a tick. “

  When he returned to the room there was another policeman with him, and they both stood looking at her over the counter. Then the second policeman looked at the first one and said, “Well, I don’t see why not,” and, turning to her, he added abruptly but not unkindly, “Come along.”

  She followed him through the passage and down steps to a corridor where there was a line of doors, all with gratings in them at the top.

  He inserted a key in the second door and pushed it open, saying, “I’ll come back for you in a few minutes.”

  She was inside the room, the awful little room, the cell and her da was sitting staring at her from a plank bed attached to the wall.

  Alee rose slowly to his feet and they stood, their eyes linked in an agonizing trance.

  She was the first to move. She took a step towards him, saying, “Da!

  Oh Da! “ and at this he seemed to come awake. Actually for the first time in days, he came fully to himself. His head swung slowly from shoulder to shoulder, he took his hand and rubbed it across the stubble on his mouth and chin, back and forward his hand went; then in a characteristic fashion he pushed it up over his brow and through his hair. When his body began to rock from side to side she flung herself forward and took him in her arms, and they hung together swaying, crying, moaning, but saying n
o word.

  After a time, when the paroxysm of their joint grief had subsided a little, they sat on the edge of the bed and from her tormented being she dragged up the mundane question, “How are you?”

  He couldn’t speak but he nodded his head as he took a dirty handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his tear—washed face.

  “Are ... are they all right to you?” She moved her head back in the direction of the door, and at this he blew his nose violently, then nodded his head again, blinked his eyelids rapidly and spoke for the first time.

  “Aye,” he said.

  “They’re very good, considerate.” He now looked at her, and he too made the mundane inquiry, “How are you?”

  “Oh, all right, Da.”

  They stared at each other, still in pain, and then, his teeth digging into his lower lip and his head swaying again, he said, “I ... I must have been mad.” His head stopped

  swinging and he looked into her eyes.

  “I ... I think I am going mad, lass.”

  “No, Da. No!” She was holding him and looking into his face, “No. No, it’s just been too much, everything and then me. I’m ... I’m to blame.”

  “You’re not! No!” The emphasis was deep.

  Tes, yes, I am. “ Her emphasis was equally deep.

  “I’ll carry it to me grave; I know I am.”

  He shook his head twice in denial, then said, “There’s only one person to blame an’ we both know who that is.” His eyes still on her, his mouth working against asking the question, the seconds passed before he could make himself say, “What happened to him?”

  Seconds passed again before she answered, “He’s... he’s in hospital.

  Da. “

  “I know that, I know, they told me. But what I mean is, what did I do to him?”

  She looked to the side, to the painted brick wall. She noticed there was writing on it but she couldn’t read it. She looked back at him.

  “His face is cut’ “ Much? “

  Down one side. “

  “Will he get better “ Yes. “ She was quick to answer now, to reassure him.

  “Oh yes, he’s on the mend, don’t worry.” She lifted his hand and held it between her own.

  He said now very quietly, “They’ll send me along the line, lass, you know that? But... but don’t worry, I don’t mind, honest to God I don’t mind. I’ll be out of it for a time. And when I eat me food it won’t stick in me gullet; I’ll have nobody to thank for it but’—he gave a painfully mirthless laugh—’the country.” He asked now, “What’s happening’ to you, lass?”

  “Oh, don’t worry about me, Da, I’m all right.” She did not say, “I’m looking after the shop, I’m staying in Ben’s house, I’m sleeping in Ben’s bed.” What she said was, “I can always go to me grannie’s.”

  “Aye, you go to your grannies At this moment the key was turned in the lock and they both started and looked towards the door where the police man stood. She turned round again and said suddenly as if he, too, were in hospital, “ I should have brought you some thing, Da, I never thought. “

  “Ah, lass, you brought yourself. Thanks, lass, thanks for comin’.” He held her tightly and as he did so he whispered against her ear, “Try to forgive me, lass. Try to forgive me.”

  She couldn’t answer. She tried, she tried to say, “Oh Da Ime forgive you?” but the words were blocked, and she turned from him and went out, and the policeman had to lead her up the steps because she couldn’t see them.

  In the office once more, the two policemen looked at her and the first one she had seen said, Don’t take on, lass, he’ll be all right. “ He came round the counter and put his hand on her shoulder. These things happen.” And now he tried to make her laugh as he bent down to her and said, We’d be out of our jobs if they didn’t, don’t you realize that? “

  She was going out, but stopped at the door and, turning towards them where they were both standing looking at her, she said, Ta . thanks,” and simultaneously they nodded their heads towards her.

  In the street a man and a woman paused and looked at her. She supposed it was a disgrace to be seen coming out of a police station; you were in trouble when you were seen coming out of a police station. But it was funny, she hadn’t thought about the disgrace of it, not once. It would be her ma who would think about that, the one person who was to blame for it her da had said, and he was right there.

  She dried her face and boarded a tram, and as she was driven through the dead and deserted Sunday town she realized she felt a little better. Now she had seen her da and made her peace with him she would cope; she would cope with anything now, even her ma.

  It was nearly a week later when she had to cope with Alice, but she had been forewarned. Just as she had been about to close on the Thursday night Jimmy had slipped into the shop. The . me ma’s coming down to you,” he had gabbled.

  “Could be the morrow, anytime, I heard them talkin’. She wants your wages.”

  She gave him a loud “Huh!” and said, “Can you see me givin’ her them?”

  and he replied, “She says she’ll knock hell out of you, Mary.”

  “Let her try, just let her try.”

  He had hung his head as he muttered, “She’s threatened to bray me an’ all if I speak to you.”

  She had put her hand gently on his shoulder.

  “Come the back way anytime. I keep the back door locked, but you knock on it like this.

  Rat-ta-tat-tat. Rat-ta-tat-tat. You know? “

  “Aye, Mary.* All day on the Friday she waited. With every tinkle of the bell she looked up, expecting to see Alice in the doorway. And when she hadn’t put in an appearance by four o’clock she thought of a way to fortify herself for a late attack. She called Andy Robson from the roadway where he was playing football. He was a lad of twelve, sharp-witted and wily, and would do anything to earn a penny. She took him into the storeroom and said, “ I want you to play outside the window, Andy, and if you should see me ma come in I want you to follow her into the shop, understand? And when I say to you, go and get the polis, Andy, you say all right, Mary, and dash out But don’t go and get him, just go round the block, understand? And if you do that I’ll give you threepence. “

  “Oh, I’ll dee that, Mary,” he said.

  “I’ll dee that all right.”

  By half past seven she was still waiting. She had supplied Andy with bread and jam so that he had no need to go home for any tea, and he was still waiting to earn his threepence.

  Her nerves were taut, she was very tired physically. She had been on her feet from early morning either in the shop

  or upstairs. She’d had to have the child downstairs with her behind the counter for an hour or so, and he got in her way. She was afraid to ask any of the children in the street to mind him, for Ben had never done this, and if anything should happen to him . well. She wished she was in bed. Oh, how she wished she was in bed and asleep with all her thinking cut off.

  It was just on closing time and the shop was empty for the first time that evening when Andy came sidling in and up to the counter and whispered conspiratorially, Tour ma, she’s been standing up near the alley for the last ten minutes or so. And your Jimmy’s just passed the shop and looked in and gone up to her. “

  Thanks, Andy,” she said.

  “Go on outside and do what I told you.”

  She knew why Jimmy had passed the shop, her ma had told him to tell her when it was empty.

  She waited, busying herself cleaning the counter with a damp muslin doth. She was covering up the cheese and the bacon when the door opened and Alice entered. She was walking with the aid of a stick and her face looked all white bone, except her eyes which were sunk in her head and full of venom. She hobbled over the step into the shop and went to thrust the door shut behind her, but Andy jerked it open and sidled in. For a moment, she turned her ferocious glare on him, saying, “Get out!” But he didn’t obey her, he merely backed towards the side counter.

/>   Slowly now Alice hobbled towards Mary, and when she came face to face with her, she was standing almost in the same place in which Alee had stood some days earlier. She looked at her daughter and, her lips moving square from her teeth, she said, ‘you dirty bitch you! “

  Mary made no comment; but she gripped tightly on the muslin rag and waited.

  Alice seemed nonplussed by her silence and now she burst out, The money! I want me money What money

  Don’t come that with me, miss. Hand it over afore I take it out of your skin. “

  “You’re getting’ no money from me, now, or ever again The words were slow, deep, flat and they seemed to have the effect of stretching Alice’s body upwards. Her face took on colour again, her anger and indignation came out in sweat.

  You GIVE ME ME PAY! . “

  “It isn’t your pay, Ma, it’s my pay. I’ve worked for it, and I’m not livin’ with you anymore. You’re getting’ nothing from me again ever, not a penny, so get that into your head now.”

  “You brazen dirty bitch! You filthy stinking...!”

  “Shut up, Ma! Shut up afore I tell you something.”

  ‘you tell me something? I’ll tell you something! Who’s looked after you all these years? Who’s brought you up? Done without me self to see that you were fed; worked for you for years; slaved down here in this shop. “

  ‘you slaved, Ma! You slaved, as you call it, in this shop to suit yourself, not for me, nor me da, and not even for Jimmy;

  no, I know why you worked here, an’ you know that I know. “ She watched her mother choke, and gulp again, then lift up her stick.

  ‘you do! “ she cried.

  “Just you do, Ma, and you’ll be sorry.”

  Alice was trembling visibly from head to foot. She now looked round the shop as if for some support and cried loudly, “Your da’s in prison because of you.”

  “Not because of me,” Mary cried back at her.

  “It was you who egged him on. Smash him up, you said; smash his shop up, because you were jealous. That’s your trouble. You wanted Ben for yourself. You threw yourself at him an’ he wouldn’t have you....”