“And Ben takes after her.”
Yes’—Mary bounced her head now “Ben takes after her. And don’t say it like that. And get that smile off your face.”
“I’m not saying anything.”
“No, but with all you’ve got up top, me girl, you’re still jealous of him, and have been since you could crawl.”
“Oh really! Gran. Me jealous of Ben?”
Yes, you jealous of Ben. “
“Oh, Gran. Pour me another cup of tea, I want to swallow that.”
As she watched Mary pour out the tea she thought, Nothing much escapes her, but something has this time. Yes, she had been jealous of Ben;
but not in the way her grannie thought, or anyone else thought. She could remember the first feelings of jealousy she had concerning him;
it was when she was just turned four and he was eleven or twelve. She had stood and screamed at him, demanding to know why he wouldn’t play with her, and he had answered, “Because I want to be with me mam in the shop.” And at that he
had pushed her on to her bottom, and she had continued to scream, not through being hurt but in temper. And so it had been all down the years. She hadn’t been jealous of him having her grandmother’s affection but because he rejected her own. She had fought with him up till she was ten, and her grannie used to say, “You’re a naughty girl, Patricia. Why don’t you like Ben? What’s he done to you?”
It was funny how people never understood your motives. Well, you couldn’t blame them when you couldn’t understand them yourself. She hadn’t understood hers until she was sixteen when there was talk of him going to be married.
“Ben is the star in your sky that will never fall, Gran, isn’t he?”
“There you go again Well, I mean he is, isn’t he?”
“I brought him up from he was a few weeks old. He’s like my own child, can’t you understand that?”
“Yes, Gran.” She closed her eyes and lay back and bit on her lip and the next moment she was in Mary’s arms, and Mary was murmuring over her, “What is it, lass, what is it? What is upsetting you? Come on, tell me. You know you can, you can tell me anything. You can’t shock me. Come on, dry your eyes.” She took a handkerchief and dried the pale face.
“What is it? Something at home?”
Pat shook her head and swallowed, “Well, is it a man?”
She turned her head away and looked towards the fire;
then quietly she said, “What would you say, Gran, if I told you I was going away for the weekend, next weekend with ... with a fellow?”
As Mary’s arms slowly slid away from her, she still continued to look in the fire and went on, “I... I’ve never been with anyone. Gran, you know what I mean, and ... and I think it’s time. I....”
‘stop rr! Stop talking like an idiot. Why don’t you say you haven’t been on pot or lsd. and you think it’s time you
did. You sit there and say you’re going with this man because you think it’s time . time I What do you mean by time? Are you in love with him? “
Pat now turned sharply, crying, “I thought you said nothing could shock you....”
“I’m not shocked, girl, I’m only bloody well angry. You think it’s time to do this. You’re not doing it because you’re worked up by love, or passion, or anything else, you just think it’s time. You’re not twenty yet and you say you haven’t been with anyone, but you think it’s time.... My God! I tell you one thing, I think it’s time you did leave that University if this is the way it’s making you think.... Now I could understand you going with a man because your feelings had driven you to him, but to coolly say....”
What’s this? What’s this? “
Neither of them had heard the outer door opening, and now they were both looking at Ben and he at them. He , moved slowly into the room, pulling his scarf off and unbuttoning his coat. Then looking from one to the other, he asked in a tone of high surprise, ‘you two having a bust up? I heard you at the bottom of the stairs. “
“No, we’re not having a bust up.” Mary let out a long shuddering breath, then said, “What’s brought you back?”
“Oh, just a minute.” He grabbed up his scarf and put it on again, saying, “I’ll go out and sit on the step until you let me in.”
“You haven’t been gone an hour.” Her voice was quiet now.
“No, I haven’t been gone an hour, and if I’d known that Pat was here I wouldn’t have come back.” He looked at Pat again. ‘you staying? “
Yes. “
“Well, what a pity you didn’t phone, I could have made a night of it... as I said to Mam, high jinks, plush and slush the lot....”
“Oh, be quiet!” Mary was yelling and he turned quickly and stared at her. Then, his own voice quiet, he said, “All right,” and went out.
A minute later Mary followed him into his room, saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Ben, I’m all worked up.”
“That’s all right, dear.” He was smiling at her.
“I know that, I tell you I heard you at the bottom of the stairs. Even with one ear I could hear you. What’s she done?”
“Oh nothing, nothing, and don’t try to get it out of me. It’s nothing that I can tell you.”
“Oh! then it’s bad.” He bent down to the mirror and ran a comb through his thick hair as he said, “I didn’t think she’d have any problems, not with that brain of hers that can sort everything out.... Ridley’s computer.”
Mary came and stood close to him, saying now, “She’s going to throw that brain overboard, she’s going to give up the University. And that’s only part of her problem.”
“What! No!”
“Yes. And just imagine what effect that’ll have on your Auntie Annie.”
“Oh boy! What’s made her take this line?”
“I don’t really know, she’s all mixed up.”
“Aren’t we all?”
‘now don’t you be facetious. “
“Oh! Oh!” He dipped his head and looked closely at her from under his brows.
“Using big words, eh?”
“Yes, and I know what they mean. And when you come in there, be nice to her, don’t tease her. You either tease her or ignore her. She’s not a child anymore and she’s not even a young girl, she’s a woman.”
“You’re telling me!” He put his hand on his hip and wobbled his buttocks, and she had to smile.
Slowly now she rubbed his cheek with her fingers as she said, “Be nice to her, Ben, she’s in trouble.”
“What do you mean, trouble?” His face was straight.
“She’s not going to ... ?”
“Oh no, for God’s sake! Lord, that’s all it’s been all night,
men, sex, and now babies. No, she’s not going to have a baby. “
Then, sex, and now babies,” he repeated musingly; then said brightly, “ Oh well, no babies; that’s one less worry for us, Mrs. Tollett. Our good name is saved. “
“Oh, you fool.... But remember’—she turned as she made for the door —’be kind.”
“All right, Mam.” He nodded at her.
“What you order, I’ll serve, tea and sympathy....”
During the next half-hour the conversation in the sitting—room was stiltingly general. Mary sat in one corner of the couch, Pat in the other, and on the opposite side of the fireplace Ben sprawled in the easy chair, his legs stretching out halfway across the hearth rug. It was as he finished describing the tactics of Bill Thompson, his one-time mechanic, whom he had promoted to sales manager, doing his business of selling a car, that Mary happened to lift her glance from him and look at Pat and saw that her granddaughter was off guard. It was as if she were looking at her when she was sixteen, when she used to come and flop herself down and pour out the exciting doings of the day. Her whole faced was relaxed. She was smiling at Ben’s imitation of Bill Thompson, and as she watched her a strange thought pierced her mind. It came up as if through layers of years, and when it probed the surface it startled her. Sh
e looked across at Ben, then back to her grand-daughter, then to Ben again, and she thought. None so blind as those who refuse to see. Whereupon, she got to her feet, stretched her neck and said, “Here’s somebody off to bed.”
“So soon? It’s not ten yet.”
Ben was on his feet.
“When you get on about Bill Thompson and his antics one o’clock is early. If you two can do without sleep I can’t.” She went now to Pat and, bending down, kissed her, saying, “Good night, dear. I’ll switch on the fire and the electric blanket; it should be cosy by the time you get in.”
“Thanks, Gran.” Patricia reached up her arms and re272
turned the kiss, and Mary, patting her cheek, smiled and nodded at her. Then looking at Ben, she said, “Good night, you.”
“And good night you.”
As Pat watched them kiss and push at each other she felt pass through her a hurt that was painful enough to be physical. Their playful actions were almost childish, but they were the outward sign of something so deep in each of them that the loneliness which she had felt earlier in the evening was intensified.
“Well now!” Ben had not resumed his seat in the chair but was now sitting in the corner of the couch that Mary had vacated and, looking along at Pat, he repeated, “Well now!”
“Well now. What does that mean?”
“Nothing, nothing; just, how are things going with you?”
“Oh, like they’re going with everyone else I suppose, up and down. The see-saw won’t stay put in the middle.”
You’d get bored if it did. “
When she made no answer to this but turned her head away and began to examine her nails, he said, “What’s this I hear of you packing it in?”
Her head jerked round.
“By! Gran wasn’t long in passing the news on.”
“Well, she just happened to mention it.”
“You weren’t out of the room five minutes, three minutes.”
“Gran’s a fast talker I’ll say.”
“Well, are you going to leave?”
“I haven’t made up my mind yet.” She let out a long breath.
“It’ll be a waste of good grey matter, of course, unless you’ve something better in mind.”
‘you consider I’ve got. good grey matter? “
“It frightens me.”
18 273
This was the second time tonight a man had said her brain frightened him. Yet, from what she saw in the University the majority of males weren’t put off by brains, they married them and so ensured a good double income. Doctors, teachers, scientists, their basis for matrimony wasn’t so much biological, as far as she could see, as financial. She had tried of late not to allow her sympathies to embrace the students who lived together, and had the audacity to propose that the country support their desire, not only for butter on both sides of the bread, but jam also, for their attitude at least seemed less calculated. And they had nerve. She wished she had nerve, just a little bit.
She slanted her glance at Ben.
“You don’t say!”
“I do ... and I mean it.” He straightened his back against the couch.
“It’s always frightened me.”
She turned her head fully towards him, and said slowly, “Just because I do maths?”
“Yes.” He nodded, then looked downwards.
“I was hopeless at maths, even arithmetic.”
“Yet you can build a car, even the engine.”
“Oh that, yes.”
“Well, that’s maths; that engine wouldn’t have come into being without maths.”
“I’m aware of that, but it’s in being when I tackle it. All I do is put it together.” He leant forward now, his elbows on his knees, his hands joined and hanging slackly between them, then he turned his head and looked at her.
“What’s brought it about?”
“Oh, I don’t know. So many things.” She was staring back at him defensively, as she asked, “Did Gran tell you the lot?”
He paused while he stared back at her and considered;
then he said cautiously, “She told me enough.”
“And you’re still speaking to me?”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“Oh, I’d have thought you’d get on your hind legs, you being so pie.”
“What do you mean?” His voice rose sharply. Tie! Me, pie? What makes you say that? ““ Cos you are. “ Her own voice was quiet, clear and irritating.
“Now don’t you start.” He wagged his finger at her.
“We’re never together two minutes before you start. Why can’t we talk amicably?”
“Because you always get riled.”
Me get riled? “
“There you go, almost reaching top C, so is it surprising that I thought you would throw a fit?”
He stared at her through narrowed eyes now. He was curious; he wanted to know what she considered would make him throw a fit. He parried, “Throw a fit in nineteen seventy-two?”
Well, Gran did. “
“Well, Gran, I mean Mam’s Man, she’s, well she’s of another generation, two removed from you. Though you wouldn’t think it.
Nevertheless, it’s true. “
‘you do surprise me! “ She pulled herself to the edge of the couch, and now they were facing each other squarely.
“I come to this abode of sanctity and say I’m going off for the weekend with a fellow, making my first trip as it were, and you take it as calmly as if you run a school for pro’s....” As her voice trailed off she thought, I’m talking like Maggie, and the smile slid from her face as she watched his head come down like that of a bull about to charge. She saw his big square teeth grinding one set against the other. She watched the colour flood over his fair complexion and up into his hair. She thought for a moment that he was going to strike her, and she leant backwards from him as she muttered now, “You ... you said you knew, you tricked me into....” She jumped to her feet, and he with her, and when he gripped her by the shoulders she almost cringed under the pressure of his fingers. But she made no attempt to throw him off. She watched his tongue come out. It seemed to have to force its way through his teeth; and then he was wetting
his lips as if to let the words slide through.
“You... you came here tonight and you told Mam that, you told her that you were going off for the weekend with a fellow?”
“Well, who else would I tell? I’ve always told her everything.”
‘you . you slut, you! “
“Take your hands off me and don’t you call me a slut. Anyway, I’m going to do something definite about it, not like you, dithering about from one to the other and frightened of it....”
When the flat of his hand came with a resounding slap across her face she was blinded for a moment and she couldn’t save herself as she went flying half across the couch and half on to the floor. When her vision cleared she stared up at him. He looked furious, wild. As the tears spurted from her eyes he turned and stalked from the room, and the banging of the door shook the house.
When the rat-tat came on Mary’s door she called hastily, “Just a minute. Just a minute.” Then jumping into bed, she said, “All right.”
As he barged across the room she was startled by the look on his face, “What is it? What’s happened?”
“You’d ... you’d better go in to her.”
What happened? “ she was getting out of bed and grabbing at her dressing-gown.
“I’ve just knocked her down.”
“You’vejustknockedher-down!”
“Just that.”
She watched him leave the room as he had come into it, and she stood now repeating to herself, “He’s ... he’s just knocked her down?” Her mouth fell into a gape and when she closed it she said softly aloud, “Well! well! now would you believe that!”
Chapter Three
‘all right, all right. Dad, I promise to think it over. “
“Do that, dear. She’s dreadfully u
pset, and ... and I’m afraid I am a bit too.”
“You took it very well.”
“Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean to say that I don’t think you’re being very foolish. But there, I suppose that’s a sign of the times.” Tom Ridley smiled wanly.
“A few years ago I could have said you’re under age, miss, you will do as I say or else; but now, well, according to the law of the land you’re a responsible woman. But please’—his voice dropped ‘do think carefully. I’ve never seen her so upset. And don’t take too much notice of what she said, she doesn’t mean half of it. Look, are you sure I can’t run you in to town?”
“No, Dad, no. Anyway’—she smiled ‘her need is greater than mine.”
She pointed back towards the house, then said, “I’ll get a bus from the corner, it’s due in a few minutes.”
“If Maggie’s feeling so low you should have brought her with you; a weekend in bed here and a bit of pampering would have likely got her round.”
“Oh no, she wouldn’t have that. And, and she’s not really sick but ... but I thought she should have somebody with her, you know, in the night.”
“Yes, dear, I understand.”
Patricia couldn’t face the look in her father’s eye. Tact and diplomacy, not lies, just tact and diplomacy.
“Bye-bye, Dad. And thanks for being so nice. I’ll do as you say and have a good think.”
“Bye-bye, dear. Mind how you go, it’s frosty. Bye-bye.”
Pure as the Lily Page 29
