“I said it’s complicated, and you need to respect that,” she says. “You’re not from here, and you don’t understand how it works. But it’s been this way since long before you came here, and that’s how it’ll be when you leave. I’m a big girl; I’ve got it handled.”
“Is this a Singapore thing I don’t understand?”
“Something like that.”
“Fair enough.” Steven sighs and rolls back over onto his back. He thinks about that money and how he was about to give it to Scotty without even bothering to ask why he needed it. If he was so willing to give it to his brother, he thinks, why not give it to Dania instead? If it gets her to a better place, isn’t that what Scotty would have wanted, too? The money’s all Steven’s now, anyway. What used to belong to both of them is all Steven’s at this point, and he doesn’t really need it. Not like Scotty did.
You are out of your mind. Scotty’s empty cardboard box across the room is speaking to Steven again. There must be a few ashes littered in the bottom somewhere. You still barely know this woman. When did you get so reckless?
Reckless is certainly how Steven feels. He also feels insane and in love and upset and happy and full of hormones. It’s all a bit overwhelming and certainly nothing he’s used to. Scotty had these feelings all the time, no matter whom he was dating. He fell in love easily and enjoyed every single emotional roller coaster every single woman took him on. But Steven has never been caught up in such craziness. Not with Robin, nor any other woman in his life. He wasn’t good at being a teenager in love even when he was a teenager.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers in Dania’s ear as he pulls her close again. She says nothing, but squeezes his hand tightly in hers.
“I never expected this,” Dania says.
“What?”
“This,” she says, and looks up and down their entangled bodies, both of them topless and pressed against one another. “Being here with you. It’s hardly what I thought would happen.”
“You and me both.”
Dania smiles. “I like it, but it does feel a bit weird.”
Steven smiles too. Her accent makes that entire sentence seem so proper. “You feel weird? I’m the one who flew across the world and wound up in bed with his brother’s girlfriend.”
Dania winces. “Please don’t call me that again.”
“I won’t,” he says. Looking in her eyes, Steven can tell that she wants to say something. She opens her mouth briefly, but then shuts it again and looks away. Steven kisses her on the neck, but says nothing. She rolls over onto her side, and he spoons himself against her. Several more minutes go by without either of them saying a word.
Outside, it starts to rain.
“Could you ever love me as much as you loved him?” Steven asks, and immediately bites his lip. He knows it’s not a fair question, and he knows he should never have asked it, even though he’s been thinking it for two days. He also knows he probably doesn’t want to know the answer. He also knows he’s pushing in a direction she just made it clear she doesn’t want to go.
Dania is quiet for a few seconds. She sighs deeply and squeezes his hand in hers. “More,” she says.
He’s not sure why, but Steven instantly believes her. Perhaps it’s that—if they wanted to—they could have so much more time together to find out where things could lead. Her country or his, or somewhere in between, there are places for them to go—together—and try. He has the money, if only she has the willingness and the time. Maybe, unlike Scotty, Dania is ready to stop flying by the seat of her pants.
He kisses her shoulder and pulls her body tightly against his. Three weeks ago, the last place he ever expected to be was right here doing exactly what he’s doing now. Three weeks ago, he was thinking of ways to get Robin to stay. Three weeks ago everything was going as it always did, which was according to plan. Three weeks ago, he was all about his routine and liked it just the way it was.
He’s never liked surprises before.
“We’re very similar,” Dania says. This makes Steven laugh so hard that every sexual thought that was going through his brain is now gone. His laughter booms through the room and startles Dania from her comfortable spot next to him.
“What?” she asks, turning to look back at him.
“Similar? You and me?”
“I think so.”
“Please. The diva and the fuddy-duddy.”
Dania makes a face. “Fuddy-duddy?”
“Yes.”
“That’s how you see us?”
“Pretty much.”
“How do you figure?”
“The exotic sexpot singer and the pissy metrosexual,” he says. “How different can you get? How on earth can you think we’re similar?”
Dania shrugs and turns back onto her side. Steven curls back up next to her, still admiring how her dark skin looks next to his pasty, white complexion. “Because you hide, like I do.”
“I hide?”
“Yeah, and I do, too. I’ve hidden from who I really am my entire life.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m nothing like my family, my parents. They were strict and serious and always about everything being perfect and in order. All the time.”
“Sounds like my kind of people.”
“Shush.” She swats him playfully. “Not like that. Much worse than you and your picky shit.”
“Hey—”
“I mean that they never really understood me.” She elbows him in the ribs now. “They never really accepted me. I was never what they wanted.”
“What did they want?”
“Someone I wasn’t. A banker like my father or the strict housekeeper like my mother. It was never going to be my thing.”
“You wanted to be a singer.”
“A singer, an independent woman, and whatever else. They wanted reserved and quiet and all the things I wasn’t.”
“The child of ‘tiger parents.’ ”
“Exactly.”
“So, did you choose music to spite them? Or was it always your thing?”
“I never thought of it that way before. But probably a little of both.”
Steven thinks about watching Dania on that little stage at Orchard Towers. He can’t imagine her doing anything else. Even hosting at the restaurant seems out of place for her. He finds it odd that anyone would want her to be anything else.
“What about now?” he asks. “You’re obviously doing well. You sing professionally. You’re great at it. Did they ever come around?”
“Thanks, but no. They don’t know what I’m doing now. Or how I’m doing now.”
“Not at all? You’ve never even told them?”
Dania shakes her head and looks toward the window. The rain is falling hard. “I haven’t spoken with my parents in years.”
“Jesus, I had no idea.” Steven pushes back a couple of feet and stares at her, but she doesn’t turn to face him.
“They want nothing to do with me.”
“Because you went into the music business?”
“Because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be,” she says matter-of-factly. “They never really knew me. Never understood.”
The hardest part of losing their parents was that Steven and Scotty were always close with them. When Scotty had been uncertain of his future, long before the accident changed everything, their parents were patient with him. They supported his changing moods and different jobs. When Steven went from restaurant management into his sommelier courses, they were always on board.
Steven realizes that, with Scott and his parents gone, he’s more like Dania than he thought. It hasn’t sunk in yet just how alone in the world he is now.
He says after a few seconds, “I just want to say that none of this sounds anything like me. I repeat my objection to your implying that we’re somehow similar.”
Dania laughs quietly and then bites his arm. As he pulls back in mock outrage, she takes his other arm and pulls it around her belly.
“It is you,” she says.
“Sounds more like Scott,” he counters, and immediately regrets it. He hates bringing up Scotty. Especially when he’s in his underwear.
“No, it sounds like you.”
“You’re out of your mind.”
“Scott was always trying to find who he was,” she says, still looking out the window. “Always trying to find a man he didn’t know yet.”
“Sounds about right,” Steven says. It makes him think about Scotty at their parents’ funeral. How, from that day on, he started changing his career every year. He started traveling more and randomly taking jobs in other countries. How the girlfriends he brought home were always completely different, one after another, and very eccentric and usually foreign. No one was like another.
“But you know who you are,” Dania says. “You just let him hide.”
“Think you’re clever, huh?” He lies back and stares at the ceiling.
“It’s true. Just like the story. The Minang Kabau.”
“The horns.”
“That’s you. You always make people think you’re the calf. But you’re really the bull.”
“I like that.” He smiles. “The bull wins, right?”
She turns around and smiles and puts her mouth on his. Shifting her weight, she runs her hands back through his hair and softly kisses his neck. After a deep breath, she sits up and looks down at him, staring right into his eyes.
“My little bull,” she whispers.
16
“Look at what the rain done washed up into my bar,” D.Wash says as he walks into The Blue Bayou and sees Steven sitting there. “Or do my eyes deceive me?”
“Your eyes see just fine.” Steven nods and raises his beer bottle in the air. Outside, the rain is pouring down now just as heavily as it has been for the past few hours. They said at the hotel that it’s probably going to rain like this—off and on—for most of the day. With Dania working a few hours at her hosting job, it seemed like the perfect time to just get out and sit and have a drink by himself. It’s no coffee shop and there’s no fireplace, but it’s a good substitute considering where he is.
He really should be booking his flight home, but he can’t seem to bring himself to do it. He knows he doesn’t want to stay here in Singapore. Not like Scotty did. But, at the moment, Steven can’t seem to bring himself to rush home. Instead, he keeps talking himself out of leaving. Sitting at The Blue Bayou at least gets him away from his laptop back at the hotel. This way, he can’t go buying plane tickets just yet.
It’s cooler now, which Steven likes. The rain has slowed the city down, so now it’s the only thing he hears in the background. The air is tolerable, and he’s surprised at how relaxed everyone seems now for a city that is always moving so fast. The thunder and rain seems to send people into buildings to just sit and wait it out.
The Blue Bayou is busier than Steven thought it would be this time of day. D.Wash’s bartender has hardly had time to slow down. People are laughing at the bar, and Steven can tell that they are Australian by listening to their conversation. One of the things he finds so fascinating about this city is that there are people from all over the world in every single place he goes. It’s rarely ever locals. There are Europeans and Australians and Americans everywhere. D.Wash is hardly the only immigrant.
“Whatcha drinking?” D.Wash asks. “You ready for some more Australian red?”
“I’m good,” Steven says, and holds up his bottle. “Got myself a Tiger.”
“Beer?” D.Wash is surprised and pretends to be out of breath. “Mister Wine Expert over here is drinking a beer? And not even a really good beer at that.”
“I like it just fine,” Steven says, although he wouldn’t know if it’s good or bad. He hasn’t drunk beer in at least five years. He doesn’t even know what came over him when he ordered it. Just seemed right at the time.
“Did you get everything sorted out?” D.Wash asks. “You know, with Scott?”
“Everything is taken care of. Thanks for asking.”
“Of course. I think I’m going to miss you both.”
For a second, Steven thinks he’s talking about him and Dania. But she’s not going anywhere. Then he feels guilty about not realizing that D.Wash is referring to Scotty. Steven is still having a hard time remembering that Scotty is gone. Part of it still feels very unreal, despite Steven’s having just emptied Scotty’s remains all over Nez a few nights before.
Dania isn’t going anywhere, Steven thinks to himself.
He still considers asking her to come to Toronto. Not for good. She doesn’t have to move there permanently or anything like that. He could just ask her to come for a few weeks. Maybe see if she could get a local gig singing at a club there. Or maybe he could put up that money for a recording studio back home and see what happens.
Or maybe you’ll just walk on water while you’re at it, he thinks. He knows it’s crazy.
At this point he wants to spend as much time with her as possible, and he wonders if flying her back to Canada is his best shot of doing just that. After all, Robin is gone. Scotty is gone. Neither he nor Dania has anything to lose. If Dania loses Nez, then all the better.
Then he realizes that the only thing he truly likes about Singapore City is her. He wonders if she’d be happy if the only thing she loved about Canada was him.
In the background, “Silver Bells” is playing on the sound system. Steven is surprised that it doesn’t make him feel homesick.
“So, how much longer for you?” D.Wash asks. “You sticking around a bit?”
Steven shrugs. “Not sure. I changed my flight plans once. But I’m going to have to get home pretty soon, I think.”
“Ah. Another one.”
“Another what?”
“Another Canadian comes over here and won’t leave.”
Steven laughs and toasts his bottle in the air again. D.Wash raises his hand to the bartender and motions that he wants a beer himself and another one for Steven.
“I’m a bit taken with the scenery,” Steven says, looking outside at the pouring rain.
“Such that it is,” D.Wash says. It’s obvious he thinks that Steven is actually talking about the view. “Did you get answers to your question?”
“Which one?”
“Your brother. The money.”
“More or less. It’s still a bit of a mystery, but I’m pretty sure I figured it out.”
“That’s good. Was I right? Was he trying to buy a car?”
“God, no. Scotty did not like cars.”
“It’s for the best, really. Cars cost a lot of money here. Way more than in the States.”
“Or Canada.”
“Or Canada,” D.Wash says. His beer is delivered, and a second bottle is placed in front of Steven just as he slugs back his last sip from his first one. The two of them clink their bottles together and are quiet for a couple of minutes. They each watch the rain as it continues to pound the pavement outside.
D.Wash breaks the silence. “You doing okay? You know, with everything?”
“Thanks for asking. But I’m okay.”
“Just making sure.”
“Honestly, I’ve had a million things on my mind,” Steven says. “So I haven’t had to think too much about it just yet. I’ll have to save some of that for when I get home.”
“You gonna bury him there?”
“Already taken care of. I scattered his ashes a few nights ago.”
D.Wash’s eyes go wide. “Here? In the city?”
“Yeah, at Orchard Towers.”
D.Wash spits his beer back into the bottle and almost chokes. “What the—why the hell would you do it there?”
“Seemed appropriate at the time.”
“Where?” D.Wash asks, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm.
“All over Nez.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, shit,” D.Wash says with a chuckle. “I g
uess if that’s the way it had to be”—he raises his bottle in toast—“then let’s drink to Scott one last time.”
“Sounds like a great idea,” Steven says, and returns the toast. The two of them smile and down their beers pretty quickly. D.Wash motions for another round. In the background, the Aussies are singing along with the Christmas music coming in over the speakers.
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
We wish you a Merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Year.
“So,” D.Wash says as he tries to get one last sip of beer out of his empty glass while waiting for the next one, “you’ve stuck around for a week since you came to visit for a day. You’ve scattered your brother’s ashes in the Four Floors of Whores, and now you’re sitting in the rain and drinking beer.”
“Right.”
“This can mean only one thing. Despite my warning, you went and got involved with Dania.”
Now it’s Steven’s turn to choke on his beer, which he does. It sprays out of his mouth and onto the table. He laughs and reaches into his pocket for the cotton handkerchief he always keeps with him. After wiping off his face, he cleans up the spray he left on the table.
“How did you know?” he asks.
D.Wash rolls his eyes. “Oh, man. Just like your brother. You think he meant to come here and stay for so long? He never planned on sticking around like he did.”
“Really?”
“Really. I should have known the second I saw you today what was up.”
“It’s been an interesting turn of events, to say the least.”
“To say the least. I think you’re a good guy, Steven.”
“Likewise.”
“But you should probably just go on home to Canada as soon as possible.”
Steven chuckles and sips his beer. Then he notices that D.Wash isn’t smiling. He looks a little sad.
“What is it?”
“Dania.”
“I know it’s a bit weird and all. My getting involved with her.”
“It’s not that. That part makes perfect sense to me. I don’t judge you, man. I understand. More than you know.”
“Then what?”
“Look, man.” D.Wash takes a sip of his beer and leans back in his chair. He looks back at the singing Aussies for a few seconds and then leans forward, close to Steven. “She’s beautiful and she’s exotic and she’s all kinds of wild things a white boy from Toronto probably has never seen before. I get that.”
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