by Amy Kyle
Derrick heard her make a small shocked sound. He felt the shame of the accident come over him again. He didn’t want to continue but did anyway, it wouldn’t stop. He just kept talking the story weaving the past to her. He didn’t look up at her when he finished, just waited for her to tell him how bad of a person he was, after all that was what everyone in town had said to him.
“It wasn’t your fault. Really, you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it.” She said.
Derrick looked up at her; Mac could clearly see the pain that haunted him from that night. He was sure that if he ever got over those deaths it would be a miracle.
“I know, but maybe had I not looked at her. Not been so enchanted by her lies, they would still be alive. Or if I hadn’t have had that one beer.” Derrick stated.
“No, things happen in life for a reason. I firmly believe that. Tim left me for a stupid reason, and it hurt. But you know what? It made me realize that I didn’t really love him. I was just settling with him, I thought he was the best I could do, that I would never find another person. She was sleeping around on you, what kind of relationship could you have?” Mac said.
“I know this, but that doesn’t make the rest of it any better, any easier. The whole town, my friends, or who I thought were my friends.” Derrick stated.
“You need to let it go, you’ll never be happy as long as your hanging on to the past. You really need to forgive yourself.” Mac said.
Derrick looked at her. “I don’t know if I can. The kid was only two; he had such a long life ahead of him.”
“What if he would have turned out to be a serial killer? You may have saved hundreds of people in the future.” Mac pointed out.
Derrick sat down, he had never really thought of it that way. It was too hard to consider such a young kid turning out so bad. But he guessed it might have happened.
“Really you should consider just letting go of the pain. You can still feel bad about what happened, but that doesn’t mean that you have to feel the guilt every day.”
Derrick listened to her. Maybe she was right. But how could this young girl who had just recently been thrown out of a car by a man she had wanted to marry be so positive? He found it hard to imagine that she would have thought so positive about life.
“How do I move past it?” He asked, not waiting for her to answer, he got up and headed off to take a shower. He had spied a look at her face and could tell that she had been thinking of other things, not his situation, but perhaps her own.
As Derrick walked away he didn’t notice Mac and the look on her face, it was one of sadness, like her world was crashing down on her. She had to chuckle really, like her world was crashing down, she thought? No, the fact was that her world had crashed around her feet, and quite quickly.
She thought back to the moments before she had first been in the pouring rain on the side of the road. Mac had been feeling discontent for some time now with Mike. Mike Jonas, a real asshole, a guy who she swore she couldn’t live without, at least that had been before. Now she was faced with the knowledge that he hadn’t really held her heart, no, she hadn’t really loved him. She had simply been afraid of being alone. She thought about Derrick, she had always fallen quick and hard for men in the past. Derrick was a nice looking man, tall, muscular, his dark brown hair was cut in a neat tight style. He wasn’t the type of man that you would think road a motorcycle. He honestly looked more like a business man, well the leather chaps he had been wearing when they first met were not what a business person would wear. But once they had gotten into the room, or actually cabin, he had taken those off, and it transformed him quite a bit.
Mac heard the shower turn on in the other room, and wanted to get up and sneak a peek at Derrick. She was almost positive that the body under his close was well put together. With tight muscles, maybe a bit of fat, but nothing much, you know that little pouch that some men get that eat a bit more than they should. Mac let her mind slip to other parts of Derrick’s body quickly. She blushed a bright red quickly. With a sharp intake of breath, she focused on the fire once again.
Mike, how would she live without him? She really had very little money, and couldn’t indefinitely go on the road with a man, especially one she didn’t even know.
Mac heard the shower go off and turned to the fire, she didn’t even have clothes to change into if she took a shower. But she desperately could use the warm water to wash over her chilled body. The fire helped a bit, but as her situation hit her harder, she realized Mike would destroy all of her things. So even if she could talk Derrick into going to their old place, she wouldn’t be able to save anything.
Derrick walked out, his hair a mess, no shirt covering his upper body; some tight jeans on his lower half. He was a very nice looking man. “Hey I know you don’t have anything to wear, but here is a shirt that you can wear. Why don’t you go warm up in the shower, after that the fire will be able to full get rid of the chill from the rain.”
Mac smiled, got up and grabbed the shirt. Her fingers lightly touched his as she grabbed the shirt. She felt a sharp electric jolt. Mac turned red, as the memory of what she had thought about a few minutes ago came back to her mind.
Turning on the water, she stepped under the warm stream; it washed over her, cleansing her mind and body. Derrick had left his shampoo and body washes in the bathroom for her to use. She inhaled the scents as she washed her body. Mac wished that she could stop falling for men so quickly. But she felt her body react to the thought of the man who was in the other room, probably lying in front of the fire with no shirt on.
Derrick sat by the fire, the warmth felt much better now that he was clean. He thought back to what Mac had said about moving on, he knew he would have too. But, the pain she had caused with her betrayal. She had been his first and only serious relationship. He had given her everything. Why? He felt so stupid right now. The shame of knowing the whole town had seen her with the other men. The fact he had been blind to it. Worse yet the fact that the accident was something he would have to always live with.
He heard a noise and looked up, there was Mac. Her brown hair flowing around her shoulders, the shirt coming just above her knees, she looked beautiful. Derrick knew it had been a long time since he had human contact, more than three years now, and his body came alive without much thought.
He tried to quickly think of anything else but how she looked in his shirt, but his mind wouldn’t let him move past it. His body continued to react; he adjusted himself to make it less obvious that he really enjoyed what he saw. This was not the type of night he wanted to have. Sure sex was just that, but he knew that this girl was fragile, she was off limits.
Shortly after she got out, he made a quick excuse and went to the bedroom. No better way to avoid a mistake than simply heading to bed. Mac watched him walk away, Derrick saw a bit of disappointment in her eyes, or maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part. What guy wouldn’t like a girl to want to make love to them so bad they would throw themselves at him? But Derrick really wasn’t like this; instead he would like to know a female first. Strike that Derrick thought I never want to be in love again. As he tried to force himself to sleep his mind was trying to talk him into going to her and taking what he wanted, even if he had to lie to get it. Derrick instead forced his body to stay, and eventually he slept.
The next morning his nose was assaulted by the best smell he had had the pleasure to have in quite some time. He sniffed in the air, and then figured he was simply dreaming. After all they didn’t have any ingredients; at least he couldn’t imagine the cabin coming fully stocked. But he swore as his body came more awake that he could hear the bacon sizzling, and smell the fat of the meat that was one of his favorites. There was also the smell of eggs, pancakes, toast, and coffee.
He walked out to the kitchen to find it wasn’t a dream. “It smells great!” He said, scaring Mac.
“Oh my goodness.” She screamed and jumped in the air. “I didn’t hear you.”
“I
’m sorry.” He chuckled. “Where did the food come from?”
“There is a little store around the bend of the road. I walked and got a few things with the bit of money I had left. It’s the least I can do; after all you didn’t need to help me out.” She smiled.
It was genuine he could tell. Derrick smiled back at her. For some reason he had felt a bit better when he woke up this morning. He wasn’t sure if it was part of the process of getting better, or it was just a good day.
“I’m sorry I went to bed so quickly last night. I was really tired I had been driving for hours by the time I found you.” Derrick said as he sat down and looked at the delicious plate of food Mac sat down in front of him.
“It’s okay; really I had a lot of things to think about. You know I had told you to move on, but I’ve been holding on to so many things through the years. So I finally had to let it all go.” Mac sighed.
“Do you want to talk about them?” Derrick offered. Though again he wasn’t sure if he could help her or not. His wounds after all were only beginning to heal, and he had resisted for so long the healing, would it be quick? He didn’t know, but he really hoped.
“No, not right now, maybe later.” She smiled. She took a seat across the table from him.
Derrick inhaled the food, it was delicious. “Wow this is really good!” He complimented her.
“Thank you.” She turned a bright red color.
“You’re really beautiful when you smile, or turn red.” Derrick said, the words coming out of him before he knew what he was saying. But it was too late. That loneliness was a killer, his body wanted the human contact, but his mind still fought it.
Mac just looked at him, not sure what to say. Her heart fluttered, and she wanted to believe the words. But so many times in the past she would read into these types of things and fall for the wrong guy. Mike had been the perfect example. But he had freely taken what she offered, however, he wasn’t willing to give all of himself.
As she studied him, he looked down at his coffee. The tension was in the room; he had caused it, and had no idea how to stop it. Derrick really hadn’t meant to say it, well he had thought it, and it was true. But he hated to show those inner feelings.
Mac got up and grabbed his plate, took it to the sink, and brought back the coffee pot, and poured him more coffee.
“Thanks.” Derrick said.
After she had finished up the dishes, she went into the other room. Stepping out onto the porch she took a deep breath of the sweet air. The green was all over, and she really wanted to explore. Mac figured after she finished her coffee she would take a short hike. The time with herself in the woods might help to clear her mind, or she hoped it would.
Walking off towards a trail, Mac went in search of peace of mind. No thought of going inside and telling Derrick she was walking.
Derrick sat in the kitchen for some time. He was trying to think of why his mind was making him say the things he had. Searching his mind, he had to admit he was sad and lonely; he missed being involved with another person.
He didn’t know how long she had been gone, hadn’t even realized she had gone off on her own. Derrick didn’t know if she was aware of the dangers of the woods, or anything. His mind went to the fear of something happening to her.
But should he go and look for her? Which way had she gone? He knew none of this. So he didn’t want to out in the opposite way she might have gone. Instead he tried to think of anything else, but Mac kept coming to his mind. Derrick watched as the time slowly ticked by, soon it was two hours she had been sitting outside, waiting for her to show back up on the porch.
What if she got lost? He thought panic filled his mind immediately. What if she fell over a cliff? What if she was out there hurt? He couldn’t do anything to help her. Not a single thing and he felt helpless. Derrick paced around the front of the cabin, going in and out of the front door, watching for Mac, and getting more and more nervous as the time slipped by and he watched the sun getting lower in the sky.
As his agitation got stronger and the sun got lower, he finally considered once again going out to look for Mac. But where would he start?
Just as he was considering which trial to follow, he heard some movement behind him. He turned to see Mac walking through the woods, there were leaves stuck in her hair. He ran over to her.
“What happened, are you okay? Where have you been? Are you hurt?” Derrick asked in rapid fire. He pulled some of the leaves out of her hair.
“I’m sorry; I got out by this beautiful waterfall and just got lost in time. It was so nice, amazing.” Mac said, still seeming to be able to see the view in her mind, her eyes were clouded.
Derrick took a deep breath, letting out a huge sigh.
“You want to come see it?” Mac asked.
“I don’t think we have time today, the sun will be going down soon, and I don’t want to get lost in the woods.”
Mac shrugged her shoulders. She had been shocked when she had walked into the opening by the cabin to see Derrick there. He had been facing away from her, but she could tell he was tense. Mac hadn’t realized he had been worried about her though. All the thoughts she had gotten straight in the afternoon quickly slipped out of her mind.
She had made some progress and reined in her feelings for Derrick, or those feelings she thought she might have. To be honest, Mac wasn’t sure if she trusted her heart or head anymore when it came to men.
Instead of staying outside and facing Derrick and her feelings though she went inside, she didn't want to think about it. She had gotten a few other things when shopping and wanted to cook a nice meal for them.
As he walked her go into the cabin Derrick about kicked himself. What a fool you are, he thought in his mind. Why did you just act like a husband whose wife was missing? Derrick thought about disappearing from the camp, going off into the woods, riding his bike away from her and all these feelings that he didn’t want. But instead he sat down on the front porch and watched as the sun slowly slipped into the sky, and the stars came out.
“Hey are you hungry?” Mac interrupted his thoughts.
Derrick looked over at her. His heart started to beat a little quicker as he thought of earlier when he couldn’t find her. He shook his head, knowing this was not what he wanted, but wasn’t sure how to fight it. “Yes.” He said standing up to go inside.
As he walked into the house he smelled what he guessed was meatloaf. Entering the kitchen he saw a feast on the table. His mouth watered, his stomach growled loudly in appreciation of the smells and waiting for the food to hit it.
He sat down and looked at the meal. “You did a great job, it smells wonderful.”
“Thank you.” She smiled. It felt good for a man to say nice things to her.
Though Derrick wanted to shovel the food into his mouth quickly, he took his time and savored each and every bit. Mac listened to him eat; the noises he made were clearly because he was enjoying the meal. She smiled as she heard the little sighs and moans.
“This is one of the best meatloaf’s I’ve ever had.” Derrick said as he took another huge piece of it.
“It’s my grandmother’s recipe. I always loved it when I was growing up.” Mac smiled.
“My compliments to the chef, your guy was dumb to let you go.” Derrick said as he put another bite into his mouth.
Mac turned red, not sure how to respond to the comment. Mike had never complimented her on anything she had cooked. Not once in the months they had been together had he even made a sound of pleasure when he put some food she had slaved over into his mouth. But Derrick was loud, and complimented her several times; she continued to hear sighs and moans of pleasure as he ate more and more.
Finally, Derrick pushed himself away from the table. “I have to stop eating; I’m going to bust open if I don’t!”
Mac laughed. Derrick started to laugh too.
“Thank you very much, you didn’t have to cook that all, but I’m sure happy that you did.” Derrick
said patting his stomach.
“It’s the least I could do. Really you have helped me out so much.” Mac admitted.
“But you said you had very little money. Please don’t spend it all on me.”
Mac smiled at him. He was so different from anyone in her past, and especially from Mike. They were polar opposites. Derrick was clearly a very caring man, and one who liked to show how much he appreciated other people’s efforts.
“Would you like me to start a fire again?” Derrick asked.
“Oh that sounds nice, it was really nice falling asleep and hearing the fire crackling.” Mac stated.
Derrick went outside to grab some more of the firewood that he had cut that afternoon as he waited for her to show up. As he did that Mac was in the kitchen cleaning up after the meal. She smiled as she worked, and her mind floated into a fantasy of what it would be like to be Derrick’s wife.
Mac stopped for a second, and knew that all of her talking to herself today about getting attached to him had been worthless. Here she was imagining that she was his wife, and she didn’t even know his last name.
After she finished the dishes and composing herself she went to the living room to see the fire roaring. She went to sit over on the rug in front of the fire, trying to sit far enough away from him that she wouldn’t be tempted to touch him.
They sat quietly, both of them stealing looks at the other one. Derrick completely petrified to ever get involved again. Mac afraid she was simply letting herself slip into love much too quickly once again.
“I’m sorry if I scared you today, I really hadn’t realized how long I had been gone.” Mac finally said.
