The Wrong Shade of Lipstick

by B. M. Hardin

Yes, she looked that bad. She was definitely not herself; something was wrong with her and I was sure that I knew just what it was.

  Why else would she shut me out?

  Our once upon a time, close, sister bond was now invisible; nonexistent.

  I’ll admit…her behavior was almost scary.

  As a sister, I was concerned. But as the wife of the husband that she was sleeping with…I could have cared less.

  I was tired of caring about people that didn’t seem to give a damn about me. I allowed tears of anger to rest at the bottom of my chin for a while, before wiping them away.

  I was going to get through this. I needed to get through this.

  I mean it wasn't as though I hadn't been through worse…

  Though Zack was the first man I had ever physically slept with, that didn't mean that I had never been violated before; more than once.

  It was strange because until that very moment, somehow, I had forgotten all about the horrifying, painful ordeals.

  The first time, I couldn't have been anymore than twelve years old. I was in the back room at the church; alone, finding fans for the overcrowded, sweating congregation.

  Minutes later, I heard someone enter the room behind me. I assumed it was mama, coming to hurry me along, but I was. It was one of the men of the church. I greeted him properly and in a rush, continued to dig for the fans.

  All of a sudden, I heard the door close and then footsteps seemed to be getting closer. I turned around in a hurry but apparently not fast enough. I was too late. Before I could say a word or scream for help, I was on my back, on one of the old wooden pews, with his hand over my mouth.

  I tried to scream, but no one heard me. I felt his free hand slither up my leg; under my plaid dress, and then along the outskirts of my panties. I began to squirm and bawl but it only seemed to excite him. I could hear the people singing as he touched my bald kitty.

  The sweat from his forehead dripped onto my face and into my eyes. I could smell a mixture of tobacco and Old Spice; a terrible combination. Just as his dirty fingers began to wiggle around inside of me, the wailing church music came to a halt.

  Assuming that he was paranoid that someone would hear my screaming attempts and my constant kicking, he removed himself from on top of me just after he threatened me. Slowly, he removed his hands from over my mouth. He watched me thirstily as I whined and desperately tried to pull myself together. With no remorse, he turned his back to me; glancing back one last time just before shutting the door behind him. I could still see the look on his face.

  It was the look of lust, disappointment, and pure evil. Yes… Deacon Stanley was evil.

  The same evil that my mama was about to marry.

  I exhaled and gasped for air, as though I hadn't breathed in minutes. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten such a thing. And mama was about to marry the bastard! I had to tell mama that her soon to be husband had a thing for little girls; which meant that my daughter Madison would be staying far away from mama’s house.

  The thoughts of Deacon Stanley and what he had done to me opened the door to another incident.

  I was fairly older this time; a freshman in high school.

  My body formed its curves at such an early age and everyone seemed to notice; and I do mean everyone. Nubian, my best friend back then, and I were always together; getting into trouble. Months before my parents banned me from being her friend, although I continued to be friends with her anyway, I was allowed to spend the night with her one night. Her parents were gone and Nubian suggested that we watch a few chick flicks; and have a few drinks. Her parents always kept plenty of alcohol in their house, and as I mentioned, they were cooler than a box fan in a window on a fall night.

  Nubian’s parents treated her like an adult; as though they were her friends instead of her parents. They didn’t mind if Nubian had a drink or two every once in a while; even though we were only fourteen at the time. On the other hand; my parents would have died if they had known the things I did when I was at Nubian’s house.

  Anyway, a few drinks turned into a whole bottle of Hennessey. Though I had had a taste of alcohol before, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling at that moment. Nubian and I were drunk. We were falling all over the place and taking turns throwing up in the bathroom.

  Having experience too much drinking, too young, I hated the feeling; even to this day. I would sip wine and have a cocktail or two but I would never get drunk. Anyway, Nubian passed out first and I wasn’t too far behind her.

  I remembered struggling to open my eyes, but they just wouldn’t cooperate. I could hear familiar voices but I couldn’t make out what they were saying; at first.

  The voice doing most of the talking was low, deep. After some time, I figured out who it belonged to…Nubian’s dad. Her mama was talking too. And then I felt my pants come down, and my panties followed their route soon after.

  First it was just touching. I tried my best to make some kind of noises, but I was stuck. My head was spinning and my mind wasn’t sending any of the right signals to my body. So, for a while I simply laid there; doing nothing. Even when things went to a whole other level, I couldn’t do a thing about it. From the groans, I assumed that Nubian’s dad was the one who had his mouth on me. He was causing me to feel a strange feeling; one that I had only been able to cause myself whenever I decided to explore with my hands or other objects.

  In my mind, I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop it.

  Then, I heard the voice tell his wife to taste it…and I assumed she did. The next set licks were softer, gentle; compared to the first. After struggling for quite some time, I forced myself to open my eyes and sure enough, Mrs. Seabrook’s, Nubian’s mama, was stroking my premature vagina, with her tongue. Mr. Seabrook’s noticed my opened eyes, and unexpectedly he smiled. As though what they were doing wasn’t wrong. I started to mumble and managed to succeed with a few small twists and turns, despite the feeling of excitement that seemed to be coming unintentionally. My best friend’s mama pulled her head from between my legs and looked at her husband, who looked down at me and then over to Nubian. She was sitting right beside him; watching. I remembered immediately feeling as though she had given me too much to drink on purpose. With an order from her father to finish the job, Nubian positioned herself between my thighs; after that, my mind was blank. It skipped to the next morning.

  I woke up with my pants and my panties on; Nubian sleeping on the same couch as I remembered seeing her pass out on the night before. In denial, I concluded that I must have had one hell of a bad dream and somehow throughout the years I had managed to forget about it all together. But here, now, sitting alone in my car and recalling the events, I had been violated by a whole entire family and an official of the church and I had done nothing. Though the incidents were long gone, I became furious and felt like going to whoop Deacon Stanley’s ass and then going to Nubian’s grave just to spit on it. She was supposed to have been my best friend.

  Recalling the horrible events and thoughts had done nothing for my frame of mind, except make things worse.

  I was convinced that no one could be trusted; no one.

  There wasn’t a soul I could call on…well actually maybe there was; Zack. Zack would listen to me.

  He would believe me about Charlotte and Levi and he wouldn't judge me. And after all, he had been engaged to my sister…so my guess was that he knew Charlotte as well as I did; if not better. He would be able to tell me if he thought Charlotte would do such a thing or if I was making things more than what they actually were.

  God knows I needed somebody to talk to and especially with how I was feeling after remembering memories that should have been lost forever. Since a therapist wasn’t just a phone call away, before I had thought the whole thing through, there I was sitting in Zack’s driveway...again.

  I reminisced and remembered the mess that the rain had gotten us into the last time and I sure didn't want to go back down that road. Or did I?

/>   I grabbed my umbrella and headed toward his front door.

  I knocked twice and the front door flew open. But the person standing there wasn't Zack...it was a woman.

  She was a skinny, blonde haired, white woman and was wearing only Zack's t-shirt. She simply looked at me.

  And I looked back at her. I had nothing against dating outside of race. I'd had all kinds of men...except Irish; though they had been on my to-do list before I had gotten married. Hell, my husband was even considered a mixture.

  So, my surprised stare wasn’t because of her race; it was that I guess I just didn't expect Zack to be seeing anyone.

  But what was I thinking? He wouldn't want me forever. Nor did I want him to…right?

  I turned and began to walk away and then I heard Zack call my name. I ignored him, though I heard his screams getting closer and closer. I hit the unlock button on my car and as I got in on the driver side, his wet ass plopped down in the seat, on the passenger's side.

  "Ski? What's your problem? What's up?" Zack said with raindrops dripping from his nose.

  I just looked at him.

  This time I didn't feel a thing. No love lost. No mixed feelings…Nothing.

  I didn't even feel horny. I simply felt nothing; which was a good thing.

  "I'm sorry about Abby. Had I'd known you were coming by, I would've---well you know," he said, eyeing me as if he expected me to feel some kind of jealousy.

  I didn't.

  Internally, I began to change my mind about talking to him but I hadn't come all this way for nothing. But I didn't know if it was such a good idea to let Zack know that my marriage was in trouble. I didn’t want him to take advantage of the situation but if I didn't talk to someone about it soon, all hell was going to break loose.

  “I think Charlotte is sleeping with my husband," I said to him, forcing it out before I could change my mind.

  It felt so good to finally voice it. I was somewhat relieved; almost instantly.

  "Why do you think that Ski?" Zack asked.

  To my surprise, he sounded truly concerned. But then again, I shouldn't have been surprised at all. That had always been one of his strongest qualities. He was such a good listener. He wasn’t like most men…Zack actually listened and then he responded.

  "They both have been acting really strange. I have caught them both in little lies here and there. Whenever Charlotte is M.I.A, just so happens, so is Levi. He even makes love differently, well, it’s no longer consider making love…he be tearing it up! Maybe that’s a little too much information but that’s not how he used to do it. And that’s only when he wants to touch me; which isn’t often these days. I used to have to beat him off of me with a stick.

  Now, I can barely get him to touch me. Then there’s the day, I followed Charlotte to a hotel. I didn’t get to see who she was meeting but coincidently, all of a sudden, Levi said he had to work late and had to do some strange late night business proposal. Working late and late night business dinners were always his excuses. Just like a month ago, I was sitting outside of his office and guess what? I saw them; Levi and Charlotte. I happened to be playing on my phone and something told me to look up. And there they were; standing in front of the building and they hugged. I’m not sure about because I was parked quite a distance away, but the hug looked a little too friendly and it almost looked like they kissed; but I was too far to make it out. Then they parted ways. He called me immediately after; asking me where I was and said that he was on his way home. I rushed home to beat him there, because I had lied and said that I was already there; only to have him call me back and say that his boss had just call him, last minute, to meet a potential, new client for dinner.

  That was bull--- and now that I think about it, Charlotte was definitely dressed for dinner. The bitch was even wearing the dress that I had custom made for her! Though her back was to me the entire time, and though I never saw her face, because I had taken my eyes off of the door to the building just for a second, I was very familiar with Charlotte’s body and I could spot that ass out on a football field full of women. I know my sisters body…and her booty. You've seen it. An ass like ours was hard to miss. We got it honestly. But not even looking at the booty, the dress was a dead giveaway. It was one of my designs. The silver eagle print on the back of it was just like the ones from my store. I know for a fact Charlotte has one of them because I had hers and mine made in our size. No one else would have that exact dress, in that size but her; unless she had given it away for some unknown reason. And once Levi had gotten home, I could even smell the scent of perfume. It smelled very similar to hers because it was the same one that she had began to wear when she started dating her new mystery man. I had complimented her on the smell so much that she had actually gone out and gotten me a bottle. So, I knew the smell. But then again, any woman could have the same perfume, especially with how good it smells. But you see my point? In my eyes, things are adding up too much and they are both...guilty.

  But yet, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. I was too ashamed to tell him that I had been sitting outside of his job; stalking him; that was when I wasn’t stalking her, so I didn’t mention a thing about what I had seen. I asked him simple questions to see if he would mention seeing Charlotte at all that day; but he didn’t. I was so stupid I should have said something or better yet jumped out of the car on them at his job. Though I know, I guess a part of me is terrified of the day that they have to look me in my face and admit it. I know, I sound crazy, right?" I asked Zack, finally concluding my rant.

  Zack was simply sitting…staring at me.

  At that very moment, his snow bunny peeped her head out of the front door but he pretended as though he didn't see her. But I know he saw her because I did. I wondered where Madison was.

  Finally, he spoke.

  “I don't think you're crazy. I mean, with all of the circumstances that you have explained---it does seem to lean in that direction. Have you asked either of them about it; any of it?" Zack asked sincerely.

  “No, well I told Levi that I thought he was having an affair but I didn't tell him with whom. But he denies having an affair at all. What am I supposed to do?”

  Frustrated I leaned my head toward his shoulder. I hadn't noticed before that he had come out in the pouring rain with no shirt or shoes on. He must have really not wanted me to drive away. I knew that I shouldn't have come over to Zack's house, but at the moment he was the only one in my life that didn't have a reason to lie to me or go against me.

  I mean yes, he had a thing for me, and probably always would, but he was moving on with his life; obviously.

  Zack allowed me to sob on his shoulder.

  He didn't say a word nor did he touch me.

  He simply gave me a shoulder to cry on, which was something that deep down I knew I needed.

  After a while, my tears stopped falling and I started to sniffle. Only then did Zack decide to speak.

  "Ski, you need to be honest with him. After all, he is your husband," Zack said and acted as though he was going to die from saying the word husband. He acted as though the word was a disease or something… but he was right.

  No more playing games. I needed to talk to my husband.

  Point. Blank. Period.

  I was going to talk to my husband.

  Zack talked to me a while longer from a man's perspective. He told me the naughty truth about lies, cheating and deceit. Why men cheated, why they didn't.

  He really tried to give me insight on men as a whole. And specifically to my situation; he said the only way to fix it was to address the problem. To stop running from it hoping that it fixes itself or that it just goes away with time.

  He said he learned a long time ago that honesty was the key to any successful relationship; whether it was personal, or professional.

  My God, he was right.

  We must have talked for about an hour. We even managed to relive some of the past. That talk was everything I needed and now I was ready to
go home and hopefully face my husband.

  Arriving at home I saw that Levi was already there. I took a deep breath and entered our home. Or more like our house, because lately it was the farthest thing from being a home. The situation had gone on long enough. I had made up my mind to tell him my thoughts and feelings and then from there we would have to agree on a solution.

  Even if it was a divorce.

  I figured with all the mishaps and the things that had gone on; that may be the best result anyway. I only hoped that he would be honest with me. After all it would be impossible for him to deny it. I wished Charlotte was able to be found because I was going to have the same conversation with her as well.

  I entered the living room to see Levi waiting for me. It was like déjà vu because he was sitting there just as he was a year ago, with all of his bags packed.

  "Bitch, you were trying to accuse me of cheating and all along it was you?" he said and a cold voice. If I didn't know any better, I would have sworn that I saw steam coming out of the top of his head full of curls.

  "You passed me on the way to his house. I was just riding around thinking and then I saw you zoom by. Curious, I turned around and followed you. I watched you knock on his door and him run out in the pouring rain and get in the car that I bought you. Are you kidding me?" He asked though I knew he didn't really want an answer.

  I was always told that a nosey person often got their feelings hurt. And considering where sticking my nose in others business had gotten me lately, I found that saying to be nothing but the truth. Levi just happened to be on the receiving end this time.

  But he had it all wrong but as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, he started flying off the handle. Levi screamed and he yelled and he jumped up from the chair.

  He started to throw everything in his sight. I was so terrified that I could hardly move. I was screaming and crying but he didn't give a damn.

  He ripped our wedding pictures down from the wall, shattering the glass. I moved out of his way but it didn't help much. I still caught a few blows from flying objects. Levi finally stood still only for a moment and then he approached me as if he was going to knock my head off but punched the wall beside me instead.