“Frank,” I nodded back.
Mom led Maggie to the couch and Frank sat in the loveseat nearby. Mom motioned me over with a raise of her brow, and I obeyed, sitting down on the other side of Maggie. She turned toward me, clutching a wad of used tissue.
“I just don’t understand. Why did this happen?” she cried.
Because I was being punished for sinning and betraying your son, and for that he suffered the ultimate consequence.
“I… don’t… know…” I muttered.
“This is a nightmare. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I just picture my baby’s perfect smile, gone forever!” she wailed.
“I know,” I mumbled, picking at my fingernails.
I was the reason she lost her son. I caused all her pain. I wondered if she could feel the guilt seeping from me.
“Oh, Alexis dear… Mitchell loved you so much, honey. I hope you know he’s looking down on you right now. He’s watching you. You’re not alone,” she reassured.
A bolt of panic rushed through my stomach as she spoke those words. I bet he was looking down on me, shaking his head in repugnance.
“I’m so sorry, Mitchell!” I blurted out and wept.
Maggie thrust her heavy body against mine again and my nose was flooded with her floral perfume. “Oh honey it’s going to be okay. Frank and I will stay here with you for as long as you need us.”
That comment was enough to break my sobbing and I shot a quick look of panic at Mom.
“Oh… well… Maggie, that is awfully generous of you, but I’m staying with Alexis for as long as she needs, so that won’t be necessary,” Mom explained.
“Oh… okay,” she stuttered in disappointment. “But the offer always stands, even after we go back to Seattle.”
I gave a quick nod then shot Mom a ‘thank you’ stare.
“Alexis, you should probably get in the shower. It will make you feel better,” Mom suggested, glancing at the clock.
Without hesitation, I move from the couch to the bathroom, taking advantage of my dismissal. My body continued on autopilot while my mind stayed a jumbled mess. I couldn’t recall undressing, but in the next moment the cool water was washing over my swollen eyes. I turned on the heat and put my face under the stream of water, drawing in deep breaths of air through my nose. The water hit the top of my head and split its path between my face and my back. If I shifted slightly, the water quickly changed its path. I straightened back up and the water returned to its original divergence, undecided on which path to take. In a way, this was how my heart felt. It swayed between love and agony. Hope and despair. Orion and Mitchell. Just like me, the water didn’t have a choice in which path to take. It was as if someone was pulling the strings on my heart, never letting it rest.
“Are you all right in there?” I heard through the door.
“Fine, Mom,” I answered apathetically.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it must have been time to get out. Mitchell deserved at least a little effort on my part today.
I turned off the water and stepped into the bathroom. Mechanically, I shuffled through my routine, brushing my teeth, drying my hair, and applying a dab of makeup. I walked into the closet to get dressed. I had no idea what I was going to wear. I peered around the closet and spotted a modest black dress hanging on the back of the door. Luckily Mom was one step ahead of me.
I threw it on, along with my black pumps. I left the room and found Mom and Maggie sitting on the couch, flipping through an old photo album they must have dragged out.
Great.
I look over at Frank who was watching a game on the television. When Mom noticed my presence, she glanced at the clock and jumped to her feet, grabbing her purse and keys. I guess I took longer than she wanted.
“Oh… we will just follow you guys then?” Maggie questioned.
“Yes, here are the directions in case we get separated,” Mom handed Frank a folded piece of paper.
The drive to the mortuary filled my stomach with trepidation. I prayed this day would end quickly. We drove in utter silence, except for the humming of the tires against the pavement.
“Jeremy sends his condolences and wishes he could be here for you,” Mom announced, without breaking her concentration on the road.
Like lightening, anger shot to the surface from the thought of her discussing any of this with that lunatic.
“When did you talk to him?” I snapped back.
She hesitated in her response, obviously registering my tone. I bet she regretted bringing up the topic now.
“Yesterday… You know he never meant to hurt you, Alexis. He is going through a tough time and would never really hurt you, honey,” she commented.
“Oh Mom, DON’T! DO NOT defend him, not right now!” I screamed, trying not to lose it completely.
I shoved my body toward the window and wrapped my arms around my waist. My hands trembled against me. I took several deep breaths to calm down.
Mom didn’t respond.
After ten minutes of silence, I sipped on the coffee and picked at the muffin she had brought for me. I knew, once again, I should apologize but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t believe she was defending him, again! She always made excuses for him and I couldn’t deal with that right then. I wanted to focus on making it through the day so I could go home, crawl into my hole, and be alone in desolation.
We didn’t speak the remainder of the drive.
The funeral service went by much faster than I had anticipated. Mitchell’s cremation meant I didn’t have to be tormented by an open casket, thank God. Mom’s old pastor gave a conventional speech followed by a few friends and family members who spoke their remembrances. I couldn’t bring myself to speak. My eyes were drenched the entire time.
When everyone was finished and the end of the service was finally near, someone rose from the back of the room and made their way up the aisle. It was a young girl, maybe fifteen, with long dark hair. She wore a lengthy woolen gown with intricate patterns of rich reds, greens and gold. She stared intently as she passed by, giving a quick nod of condolence. I scanned my memory but failed to recognize her, but that wasn’t uncommon with my memory. She climbed the steps to the stage and paused at the podium. The room was quiet as she opened up a slip of paper and read:
I stand atop a mountain; there is no life but me,
The solitude’s consoling as I grieve for what I can’t see.
The wind’s breath is upon my lips; I taste your scent again,
The rain falls in rhythm to my slaughtered heart; I feel you against my skin.
A hawk whispers your name above; I sense you from the earth,
The sun breaks through the darkness and welcomes your rebirth.
You are here… earth, wind, water, and sun… you are one.
She folded up the paper, walked back down the aisle, and then disappeared into the small crowd at the back of the room. Gentle sobs and whimpers from the audience emanated behind me. Her words touched me as well, but not with tears. They reminded me of the interconnection of life in everything around. I looked down at my hands. I felt energy flowing through me as I thought about the dream world I once called home. Tingling brushed across my fingertips. The pastor interrupted the silence with instructions for the reception next door. Mom gently nudged me as the line of grieving visitors formed in front of me. My mind and body went back to numb. I hugged what seemed like an endless line of mourners, until I finally reached the end of the line. My mystery guest was gone.
Although I couldn’t feel my legs, I shambled out the door and into the reception hall. The room was doused in fresh floral scent and soft music. It was packed inside with people, food and flowers. A slide show of pictures from Mitchell’s life projected on the wall at the end of the room. I cringed and turned away as images of us flashed across the screen. I chose a seat with my back to the projection.
Two hours later, Mom and I headed back home, exhausted. Mom was somehow able to persuade
Maggie and Frank to let me grieve alone for the rest of the night. She seemed to understand what I needed lately. As soon as I came home, I peeled off my dress and threw on a tank top and cotton shorts. Crawling into my unmade bed, I once again stared at the wall and waited for the darkness to creep back in. Sleep would be a blessing, but instead I was cursed with a half-conscious state of torture.
Maybe Orion wasn’t ever real - just a figment created in my raving mind. Maybe it was all just a dream… or maybe this was just a dream that I can’t wake up from. Maybe I’m still asleep? Wake up! Wake up!
My head spun in dementia.
Please God just numb my heart to this torturous suffering.
He wasn’t listening.
A month rolled by. Time stood still in this forsaken world. I was stuck in the same nightmare day, my own hell that I could not escape. My life was completely empty and meaningless. The world I once loved and cherished had abandoned me, or maybe somewhere along the way I abandoned it.
I slept a little more now, but hadn’t seen Orion since our forbidden night together. I hadn’t decided if he was real or if I was insane. Either way, it didn’t matter. I missed him tremendously, as well as the forest; but each time his beautiful face drifted in my mind, I blocked it out immediately. It was better this way.
Mom was still staying with me, making sure I didn’t do something she would regret. She forced me to eat and dress each day, but I rarely left the house. I stopped going to school and work. Mom called the University and explained by “loss”. The school librarian was very supportive of me taking as much time off as I need. As for Admissions, they didn’t care. I could drop out and try again next semester or flunk out.
Mitchell’s parents hadn’t said anything about me moving out of the condo. I debated moving back in with Mom, but I didn’t have the energy to make a decision. Mitchell’s parents only stayed around for another few days after the funeral. Maggie called a number of times since then, but the conversations were brief and painful. Was this what Mom felt when I called her?
I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. My sunken eyes were encased in dark circles with heavy bags. My once-golden skin was pasty and sickly. I wasn’t sure how much weight I lost, but I didn’t look healthy. I rubbed my tired eyes and brushed my teeth. I heard a noise down the hall and caught the scent of freshly brewed coffee, just like Mitchell used to make. Holding my breath to suppress the tears, I shuffled toward the kitchen.
I walked past the pile of mail on the counter. Mom sorted through the mail each day, throwing away the junk, paying the bills, and piling the rest for me to sort through. I hadn’t gone through the pile. Surely most are condolences from distant friends or family. What was the point in reading their sorrow-filled words… to make me feel better?
I finally decided to turn my phone back on and deleted the messages from the full mailbox without listening to them. There wasn’t anyone I wanted to hear from or talk to anymore. Besides, Mom did a good job at updating anyone who was persistent.
I walked into the kitchen and Mom poured some coffee. I could tell from her expression that she wanted to talk. Avoiding eye contact, I grabbed my coffee and sauntered out to the courtyard. The November breeze was chilly and the limbs of the naked trees swayed in the threatening wind. The courtyard garden was tangled with dead leaves and twigs. My neglect on the yard was obscenely apparent.
A few minutes later, Mom followed me outside. I shifted away from her and sat on the patio chair, hoping that she would let go whatever it was that she wanted to say.
“Alexis,”
Oh here she goes.
“You are so young, and much stronger than I was. You get that from your father, you know. Honey, don’t waste your life being depressed for too long. Sometimes bad things happen. The only thing we can control is how we let it affect us. Nothing you do or don’t do for that matter will change things… Mitchell is gone. It doesn’t matter to him if you curl up into a ball and die, or if you pick yourself up and live your life to the fullest. You have a choice and can choose to move on. It might not feel like a choice right now, but it’s a choice.”
“I don’t know how,” I murmured, glaring at the ground. I swallowed to choke back the tears.
“I know… I was right where you are now. Do you know what pulled me out of it?” she asked.
“What?” I said quietly.
She took my hands into hers, forcing me to look at her. “You. After I heard about Mitchell, I knew instantly what you would have to endure and the fear that my daughter would feel what I have felt this past year… that changed me. I realized that I had a choice too and that it was not too late for me. Now my only wish was that you don’t have to go through the same pain before you realize it too.”
Her words were meaningful and I tried to embrace them, but I was drenched in too much guilt. I began to whimper.
“It’s my fault! Everything is my fault!” I blurted out.
“Shah, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is that’s holding you down doesn’t matter anymore. The past can be a dark and ugly place to get stuck in. You have to move toward to light of the future,” she urged.
The light - that reminded me of Orion. I thought of him as my bright light. I pictured his face and, for once, I allowed the memory of his smile to melt away some of the sorrow from my heart. I stopped crying and calmed down quickly.
“Alexis, you have to get dressed every day. Go back to school, go to the movies, take a walk, whatever. Just get back out there and every day it will get a little bit easier. But one thing I know for sure, if you continue moping around in this dark place, you will never get any better. You have more life left to live than you can imagine. You will feel happiness again and sadness again for that matter, but no matter what happens, you have to pick yourself up, dust off the dirt, and get back on your feet.”
I knew what she said was right, but could I allow myself to be happy? Did I deserve it? I didn’t think so. I betrayed my partner and for that he suffered.
That night, I crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling, contemplating my future. I was certain my fate was pre-determined, but the journey swayed depending on which path I chose along the way. Yet, all I could see ahead was a dark path full of desolation.
Was it possible to create a new path? Could I choose to be happy?
This time the knots in the cedar planks above did not scold me. They reminded me of the cedar siding of Orion’s house. My heart ached again, but it was different. Instead of guilt and anguish, it was a deep yearning to see him.
I truly missed him.
I pulled the sheets over my head, trying to think of something else, but all I could think about was Orion and the words Mom had spoken. Even if I didn’t deserve to be happy, was happiness actually possible again? I could only think of one thing that would make me happy again, Orion.
I pictured his face under the dark sheet. His perfectly etched features, his radiating skin, that thick wavy hair, his captivating eyes and charming smile. Instead of pushing the image away, I embraced it. With a racing heart and sweaty palms, I embraced the memory of him. I was filled with a deep yearning to be near him. I closed my eyes and thought about our first kiss. The taste of his breath was divine and his touch made my body quiver.
In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me that he was real. I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay and never let me go. I concentrated on the love that poured from my heart as I fell into slumber. This time, I wouldn’t fight it. I didn’t care if it was just a dream… tonight I would see Orion.
Chapter 10
I woke up to the bright morning sun and the sound of Mom piddling in the kitchen again. I glanced at the clock, 7:32 A.M. Amazing… I slept a full eight hours. But, I still felt exhausted. I stretched my legs; my muscles ached in protest, but my head wasn’t as fuzzy as it had been lately. I kicked off my sheets and stared at the ceiling.
Why d
idn’t I see Orion last night?
It was the first night since Mitchell’s death that I welcomed sleep, but I still didn’t see him. Maybe my mind needed to heal from the extended exhaustion. I was disappointed, but my revelation last night reminded me of a better life and I decided to take Mom’s advice and get out of the house.
I hopped in the shower with a purpose. Taking extra care to get ready this morning, I curled my unruly hair and carefully applied make-up to my neglected skin. An hour later, I emerged from the steamy bathroom feeling slightly rejuvenated.
When I walked into the kitchen, Mom’s expression said it all. It was a blend of shock and pride. Without saying a word, she made me breakfast as I reached for the newspaper.
“I’m going back to school today,” I announced while staring at the paper, trying to avoid eye contact. To my recollection, I hadn’t missed any exams, so I might be able to catch up if I really tried - although, I really didn’t care. I just needed to get out of the house and pretend that my life was moving on.
“That’s great!” Mom cheered with too much enthusiasm. “Do you want me to meet you for lunch?”
“No thanks, Mom. I think I’ll go to lunch alone today.”
“Oh… okay, well, I’m going to spend sometime at my house today then.”
I met her eyes with an expression of gratitude. “Thanks Mom, for everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“No honey, thank you.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead.
I realized how much I missed Mom lately. We had a strong bond, and even though she often drove me crazy, I was grateful to have her in my life.
I drove the short distance to campus. I was dreading the sympathetic glances I will probably have to endure from classmates and co-workers. The thought of the attention made me nearly turn the car around… but I had to go back sometime and the longer I waited, the worse it would be.
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