Fuck. Me.
“I’m a sadist, Sasha.”
“Okay. So?”
He laughed again. “This doesn’t bother you?”
“Should it?” Her head tipped to the side again, her brow furrowed. “I mean, you said you’re good at it. You own the club. I assumed you were into some sort of pretty serious dominance. Did you think I would care?” Her eyes suddenly went wide and she took a step back, dropping her hands and swallowing hard. “Wait. Shit. Are you trying to tell me that the only way you can be with me is if I let you dominate me like that? Because Lincoln, I’m not sure, but I don’t think I could be a masochist. It doesn’t turn me on. A spanking is one thing, especially if it ends in my favor. But real pain for the sake of the adrenaline rush or something? I don’t think that’s for me. If it’s a deal breaker, tell me now.”
He jerked. “What? No. God, no. I don’t think you’re a masochist either. You’d know if you had a predilection for pain, whether or not you’d seen it in person before. I saw the way you recoiled when you watched some hardcore stuff at Breeze. That’s my point. I would never expect you to do anything you weren’t one hundred percent comfortable with. That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
He hesitated and shook his head to clear it. “Okay, no. I’m messing this up. Yes, at one point I did think we couldn’t be together because I needed a masochist, but that was dumb. I see that now. I don’t need a masochist.
“I was fixated on the fact that Master Christopher asked me to follow my passion. I twisted that and internalized it to mean he didn’t want me to veer from my dream of being a sadist and opening a club. Somehow I thought I would disappoint him if I didn’t continue to practice.”
Her words were soft and her face filled with sorrow. “That’s a heavy burden, Lincoln. I’m sure he never intended for you to take him so literally. Staying true to yourself can look like many things. People change. They evolve. They meet other people and are influenced by other ideas.”
“I’ve never actually had a permanent sub who was mine. I top people who want to scene with me. It’s not sexual for me. It’s a mutual arrangement where I get a release from dominating them and they get what they need from submitting to me.”
She nodded.
“Since being a sadist is a big part of who I am, I thought I needed a masochist as a life partner. But that was plain stupid. Couples in the lifestyle don’t all practice the same form of BDSM. Sometimes their tastes run in different directions. They negotiate. Figure out what they can both live with. It’s a give and take. They make it work. There’s no law that says my life partner also has to be into the same kink as me. I got stuck on that and wouldn’t let it go.”
“Let me guess, you figured that last part out on Sunday.”
He winced. “Yeah. Kinda. I mean, I was confused. Rowen and Carter helped set me straight. Or rather, they screamed at me until I saw reason. Some reason. I still have concerns. And Rowen might have broken his hand.”
Her eyes went wide. “He hit you?”
“No, but there’s a hole in my kitchen wall.”
She tipped her head back and laughed. It was the most beautiful sound. And then she held out a hand. “Wait, did you say Rowen was trying to get us together?”
“Not initially. At first he came to my house to cut off my balls and feed them to me. I deserved that. I can’t blame him. But Carter, ever the observant mediator, pointed out where both of us were wrong and patched things up.”
“Isn’t that nice?” she joked. “You boys had a get-together to decide who I’m allowed to sleep with and whether or not it would be prudent for me to join your club. What did y’all decide in the end? I mean, while I was bawling my eyes out on Rayne’s shoulder because the man I love fucked me and then tossed me out the door without a word.”
The blood rushed from Lincoln’s face. The man I love… That line in the middle there stopped time. It was in present tense. He wanted to fist pump the air. Instead, he tried to gather his wits. After all, she had followed those three words with more important ones—fucked me.
She was not going to make this easy. He had to dig out of this hole. “No one made decisions for you. But we did agree you should be able to make them for yourself, including your decisions regarding submission.”
“Should I be grateful?” More sarcasm.
“No.” He blew out a breath, needing to get this train back on the tracks. “I’m totally butchering this, aren’t I?”
“A little. But it’s kinda cute.” She tried not to smile. Total minx.
He narrowed his gaze at her. No matter what happened, he hoped she would at least be able to submit to him in some fashion, because at the moment he wanted nothing more than to take her over his knee and find out what she was wearing under that skimpy skirt before turning her bottom a delicious shade of dark pink. His cock stiffened.
Who knew he could react sexually or get aroused from dominating a sub? Until ten days ago, it hadn’t happened with any sub. It didn’t happen with other women. Not that he didn’t have relationships and sleep with women. But he didn’t do it at the club. He didn’t get hard from sadism or even domination. Except how would he know? Sasha was the first woman he’d practiced another form of dominance with. And he most definitely got hard with her. Just looking at her. When he considered spanking her… Fuck.
“Go on. Keep digging.” She pursed her lips.
“Baby…” he warned. He flexed his hand, the desire to spank her sweet ass growing. Inappropriate for the seriousness of this conversation.
Now she smiled. “No. Really. Don’t stop. This is just getting good. You can baby me later. I want to hear the rest of what you have to say first.”
His heart seized again. You can baby me later… There was a God. “What I was so ineloquently trying to say is that I didn’t think you’d want to be with me, knowing where my tendencies lie. I thought you’d be disgusted. Mortified. Think less of me. Frankly, this is still my primary concern. Just because you have no interest in practicing masochism doesn’t mean you can tolerate me doing it either.”
She shivered. “Why not? Lincoln, I know I’m not a member and I haven’t spent much time in the club, but I’ve known about the lifestyle for ten years. I’ve studied it thoroughly. You can’t shock me. Not verbally anyway. Yes, I’m new when it comes to witnessing, and I begged you fools to let me join the club so I could get a feel for the different types of dominance, but I wouldn’t judge anyone.”
“You nearly fainted watching that sub get cropped at Breeze last weekend.”
She rolled her eyes. It wasn’t her best-laid plan even under the circumstances, but he would refrain from pointing it out. “Are you listening to me? Jeez, Lincoln. I haven’t watched many scenes in person. Sometimes I’m going to be shocked or react negatively. Sometimes I’m going to get aroused and react positively. But I won’t know which scenes turn me on and which ones make me cringe until I observe them. Thus the need for the denied membership,” she pointed out again, her brows lifting high in a way that shouted duh.
“You really are interested in the lifestyle? You’re not just trying to piss off your brother… or me?”
Her shoulders dropped with her chin as she shot him another look, this one said seriously? “Why would I go to all the trouble to visit Breeze last week if I wasn’t interested in exploring my submission? It was stressful. I didn’t know anyone. I’ve never been so nervous in my life.
“But you three gave me no choice. You wouldn’t relent, so I found my bravery and explored elsewhere. I would much rather have been here with you or Rowen or Carter. People I know. People I’m comfortable with. But, nooooo.” The sarcasm that oozed in that word was thick in the air. “God forbid sweet, innocent Sasha be treated like an adult. After all, she’s just a kid. She can’t possibly know what she likes and doesn’t like. Let’s choose for her and set her straight.”
Lincoln winced. She was right. “We did that,” he admitted.
“Yes. You d
id.”
He schooled his face and his voice. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
“Apology accepted.”
That was easy.
She tipped her head again. “Are you sure you don’t think I can be a masochist?”
He flinched again. That came out of nowhere. And then he saw her fighting a grin. “Watch it.”
“So, what’s your plan for tonight? You want me to watch you work so I can make an informed decision? You think it’s important that I know exactly where your kink lies so there are no secrets between us?”
“Yes.” She had it all figured out. “But now I’m too flustered to do any scenes, so it’s not going to happen tonight.”
Sasha blew out a breath and wandered toward the window.
The back of her “dress” was mouthwatering. The skirt was too short for public consumption, and although her long curls hung down her back to cover it completely, he could see that the majority of her back was bare.
Her voice had changed tone when she spoke, softly. Sadness filled the room. “You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, Lincoln.”
His heart seized again. He slowly walked toward her back, but he needed to let her speak.
“I realize it was stupid of me to take you up on your offer to train me. It was childish. I did it to get your attention. I wanted you to see me. I thought if I could prove to you I was strong enough to submit to you no matter what you threw at me, I could make you love me.”
He couldn’t swallow. “I know. And I never should have made the offer. I thought if I pushed you hard enough, you would give up the notion you were submissive and run from me.”
She turned to look into his eyes. “Why, Lincoln?”
“Because I didn’t think you could love me if you knew who I really was, and it would hurt too bad to see you in my club with other Doms if you rejected me.”
She stared at him.
He stared back.
“We were both stupid.”
“Yes, but I had a responsibility as a Dom to protect you, and I failed you.”
She took one step closer. “You didn’t fail me. You’re here now.”
He lifted one hand tentatively and tucked a curl behind her ear.
She tipped her face into his touch. “So what do we do now?”
“Step back. Take it one day at a time. Get to know each other. Date. If you’re willing, that is.” It was too soon to say the things hanging on the tip of his tongue. The truth is you never needed to work so hard to make me see you. To make me love you. I already did. I was just too stubborn to admit it.
She shook her head at his suggestion.
His stomach dropped. His hand, still stroking her cheek, froze.
“I don’t want to take a step back, Lincoln. I want to move forward. Why would we dance around each other and pretend we feel less than we do?”
Fuck me.
He nodded, a small smile forming. “You’re in charge, baby. I’ll do whatever you want. Lead the way.”
Chapter 23
Sasha blinked up into her Dom’s eyes.
He was her Dom. No doubt about it. Sure, he felt bad. His tail was currently between his legs. He was groveling. And well he should be. But that didn’t change the fact that in the end, he was her Dom.
If she had walked into his office and found him surly and demanding she strip and stand in front of the window, she would have done it. He’d already won her heart over Sunday night. He’d already paid a hefty price for treating her with the same disrespect he insisted she not give him. He recognized the double standard. She could have easily turned over that night, faced him, and accepted his apology.
But she’d also recognized his need to extend a longer olive branch, and she’d granted him that play, even though she would bet her life her brother had figuratively beaten the living hell out of Lincoln until he’d suffered enough.
Today was today. A new day.
She let her gaze roam down his body. Did he know how much it turned her on every time she saw him dressed like he was tonight? It was his usual work attire, nothing special. Professional by club standards. But seeing him in those tight black jeans with that black cotton T-shirt stretched across his chest always lit her on fire.
With his black hair, dark eyes, and dark skin, he turned heads everywhere he went. Right now his brow was furrowed.
Lincoln had concerns. They needed to put those fires out before they could move forward. She was confident she could separate herself from his role as a sadist. She seriously doubted watching him perform was going to bother her as much as he feared.
He was right about one thing, she needed to see him in action. Was he truly able to separate sexually from the masochists who came to him? Because watching him or even knowing he was doing a scene when she wasn’t around wasn’t likely to bother her, but if she thought he had sexual interests outside of her relationship with him, that would be a deal breaker.
Trust was crucial. They couldn’t move forward until she proved to both herself and Lincoln that his sadism wouldn’t affect their relationship. “I need you to keep your schedule tonight,” she told him.
He frowned. “Sasha, I don’t think—”
“I know. I know. You don’t think you’re in the right frame of mind. So, what do we need to do to get you in the right frame of mind? This is important.”
He nodded slowly and took a deep breath. “You really want to watch me work tonight?”
“Yes.”
He glanced at his watch. “We have another two hours before my first appointment.”
“Then I guess we better use our time wisely.”
He lifted his brows again in question. “You know this isn’t a deal breaker, baby. You don’t have to prove anything to me. You don’t ever have to prove anything to me. I realize that now. You’re perfect the way you are. In every respect. If you don’t like watching me, I won’t perform in front of you. If you don’t even like knowing I’m topping people, I’ll stop altogether. At some point in the middle of this new self-awareness of mine I realized you mean more to me than anything else, even sadism.”
Her chest seized. “I believe you. Now, I need you to believe it’s not a deal breaker for me either. I need to witness you doing what you do for myself too. It will help me understand the dynamic.”
He licked his lips. Nervous. So much so that he was willing to put it off just to enjoy one more day with her before she left him. She could see that in his eyes. He was leery.
She took a step closer and tipped her head back. “You’re worried I won’t be able to accept you for who you are. I get that. But you have to understand I have a far different concern you have not considered.”
He flinched. “What’s that?”
“Sex. You say sadism isn’t about sex for you, while frankly I can’t wrap my head around any aspect of BDSM not being about sex. It’s going to take me some time and education to grasp that.”
He nodded. “That’s because you’re a sexual submissive. For you everything in the lifestyle is about sex.” He gave a half smile. “Thank God. It’s what makes my cock so hard I can’t think around you.”
A flush rushed up her cheeks. How could he so thoroughly distract her in the middle of this important discussion? She shook her head to clear it. “Even if you don’t get off dominating other people, you can’t control whether or not they get aroused.”
He nodded. “That’s true. But does it matter? I disassociate from that aspect. Sometimes a submissive does get aroused, whether he or she intended to or not. I always make it clear I’m not interested in a sexual encounter. If they want to have sex with someone else after our scene, that’s great. It’s not going to happen with me.”
She tried to absorb everything he was saying. It was complicated.
He held out a finger. “In fact, let me present this from another angle. The entire reason you and I are in this predicament is because in my twisted head I thought I needed to find a masochist for a life partner in o
rder to be fulfilled. I not only turned my back on you for that reason, but I turned my back on all women before you. Since I didn’t believe I could ever find a woman who could fulfill both my sadistic needs and my sexual needs, I decided I was destined to be alone. They don’t cross paths. I have mistakenly believed I would never be able to have a serious relationship with anyone because I couldn’t see how anyone would be able to accept my darker side as a separate entity.”
She was starting to understand how his mind worked. It was warped, but she was catching on. “And Carter and my brother slapped you around a bit about this issue until you saw it more rationally?”
“Yes.” He grinned. “They did more than that. I had several screws loose apparently. I’ve spent the last few days wrapping my head around the idea that anyone—especially you—could possibly get on board with my proposal.”
She cocked her head to one side, confused again. “Especially me?”
He tapped her nose. “Well, you’re the only woman I ever cared enough about to broach the subject. And, as I’ve said, I still have my doubts. I’ve never been this nervous. The level of trust and commitment it would take to make my world perfect is more than I’ve ever been willing to ask of anyone.”
She set her palms on his chest and leaned into him, needing the contact. His willingness to so openly discuss this issue demanded her respect. “I’m here. I’m offering to try.”
He set one of his hands on top of hers over his heart and squeezed. His voice was lower when he whispered. “And you have no idea what this means to me.”
She had more questions. “Explain why you could never forge a relationship with a masochist? You’ve met so many over the years. Why none of them?”
“I’ve tried with several women. I simply don’t get off when I’m topping someone. I can’t. I need to concentrate. I could seriously injure someone if I were dealing with a hard-on while I flogged them. So, when the scene ends, even if I’m currently romantically interested in the woman I just topped, we’re in different head spaces. She might be primed and ready to go. Maybe other men can drop the whip and get it on, but I can’t switch gears that fast. I need some transition time.”
Training Sasha (Club Zodiac Book 1) Page 21
