PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress.
ISBN 978-1-4197-4097-8
eISBN 978-1-68335-865-7
Text copyright © 2020 Tom Angleberger
Illustrations copyright © 2020 Jared Chapman
Book design by Steph Stilwell
Published in 2020 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved.
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To the artist who gave Didi her
famous sparkle: Jared Chapman!
—T. A.
CONTENTS
Opening
PART 1
All’s Fair in Love and Rocket Pants
PART 2
Undercover and Overfed
PART 3
Wiener Takes All
GRAND FINALE
Until We Meat Again
Epilogue
Opening
My phone rang.
“Hello, this is Koko Dodo’s Cookie Shop,” I said. “Koko Dodo speaking! Would you like to hear about today’s special cookie?”
“KOKO!” quacked the phone. “THIS IS THE QUEEN!”
The Queen is not really a queen. She is a duck who works with me in my cookie shop. She likes to wear a crown and call herself the Queen. That is OK with me, because she bakes really good cookies.
“Hello, Your Majesty,” I said.
“What are you telling me about kidnapped?” I asked. “You’re right here at the cookie shop baking today’s special cookie.”
“NO, I’M NOT!”
“Yes, you are.”
“NO, I’M NOT!”
“Yes, you are.”
“NO! I’M! NOT!”
“Yes, you are. I just saw you a minute ago.”
“THAT WAS BEFORE I WAS KIDNAPPED!”
“Are you sure?”
“YES!”
The quacking was getting so loud I had to turn down the volume on my phone.
“LOOK AROUND THE SHOP, KOKO! I AM NOT THERE.”
I looked around the shop.
There was a line of nine customers waiting to buy cookies. But there weren’t nine cookies to sell them. In fact, there were no cookies. And there was no Queen!
I looked in the kitchen. There was a big pile of Royal Raisin Bars that didn’t have raisins yet! And the Queen wasn’t there to add the raisins!
“You’re right,” I said. “You’re not here!”
“I KNOW THAT! I WAS JUST KIDNAPPED!”
“Who kidnapped you?”
“A HUMAN!”
“What are you telling me about a human?” I said. “Humans don’t exist!”
“OH YEAH? THEN WHO KIDNAPPED ME?”
“That’s what I was asking you,” I said.
“OH, FORGET IT!” yelled the Queen, and then she hung up.
Chapter 1
Just then, Didi Dodo zoomed through the door on her roller skates.
She doesn’t know how to stop, so she slammed right into the counter.
Usually when she does this, cookies fly everywhere, but not today.
“Hey, Koko, why didn’t cookies fly everywhere when I slammed into the counter today?”
“Because the cookies aren’t on the counter! Because the cookies aren’t done! Because the Queen was kidnapped!”
“UH-OH!” squawked three of my customers, a cute little baby chick, another cute little baby chick, and a third cute little baby chick.
“Are there any clues?” asked Didi.
“Only one,” I said. “The kidnapper was a human!”
“That’s ridiculous!” said three of my customers, a unicorn, a dragon, and a tree that grows dollar bills. “Humans don’t exist!”
“That’s what I tried to tell the Queen,” I said. “Oh, Didi, what are we going to do?”
“Why are you asking her?” asked the tree that grows dollar bills.
“She’s Didi Dodo, Future Spy,” I said. “She can do almost anything!”
“A future spy?” asked the unicorn. “Does that mean she comes from the future?”
“No,” I said. “It means she is not officially a spy right now, but she will be someday, because she’s always coming up with daring plans.”
“Hmm,” said the dragon. “How can you tell when she’s got a daring plan?”
Didi Dodo waved one wing in the air!
Didi Dodo held her beak high!
Didi Dodo looked at us with sparkling eyes!
“I have a daring plan!” she announced. “We are going to skate around the city and . . . look for a human!”
“That doesn’t sound very daring,” said three of my customers, two bats and a horse who is the President of the United States.
“The daring part is that we’re going to use my new, untested rocket pants!” shouted Didi.
“UH-OH,” said all nine of my customers.
Chapter 2
“What are you telling me about rocket pants?” I asked. “They sound TOO daring!”
“They are the fastest way for us to get around the city looking for a human,” said Didi. “Let me slip into the restroom and put them on.”
While she was in the restroom, one of my customers started to ring the little bell by the cash register.
“I want cookies and I want them now!” neighed President Horse G. Horse.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We don’t have any cookies.”
“Make some! NOW!” demanded the President.
“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go with Didi Dodo to find the Queen.”
“NO! MAKE ME MY COOKIES! AND MAKE THEM THE BIGGEST COOKIES EVER!”
“No,” I said. “I’m not going to make any cookies.”
The President stamped his hooves.
“I’m going to call the FBI and have you arrested!” he yelled as he galloped out the door.
“I guess we’ll come back later,” said the dragon, the unicorn, the tree that grows dollar bills, and the two bats. “Good luck finding the Queen!”
Now the only customers left were the three cute baby chicks.
“I’m sorry, cute baby chicks,” I said. “I don’t think there will be any cookies today.”
“We don’t want cookies,” said the first chick.
“We want to go with you and Didi,” said the second chick.
“To save the Queen!” said the third chick.
“No, these rocket pants sound pretty dangerous,” I said. “You’d better stay here.”
“If we stay here, we’ll poop on the chairs,” said the cute baby chicks.
“OK, you can come,” I said.
Just then, the restroom door blew open.
There were smoke and flames and a crazy FWOOOOOSH sound!
Suddenly, Didi Dodo blasted out of the restroom, grabbed me with one wing and the three baby
chicks with the other, and then zoomed us all out the front door and into the street!
“UH-OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” said the three baby chicks.
Chapter 3
“Do you see a human?!” yelled Didi Dodo.
“No!” I yelled back. “Do you?” “I have my eyes closed!” she yelled back.
“What are you telling me about closed eyes?” I screamed. “How can you steer with your eyes closed?”
“I can’t steer with them closed!” she yelled back. “But I can’t steer with them open, either. There’s no way to steer rocket pants!”
“UH-OH,” said the baby chicks.
“This plan was TOO DARING!” I yelled. “If you can’t steer, we’re going to run right into that statue!”
“What is it a statue of?”
“Johann Sebastian Bach,” said the first baby chick.
“No, that’s Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,” said the second baby chick.
“I’m pretty sure it’s Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky,” said the third baby chick.
WHAM!
We smashed right into a statue of Ludwig van Beethoven.
But it wasn’t a statue!
If it had been a statue, it would have been made out of rock or metal and would have hurt a lot worse.
This was kind of soft and smooshy.
“Hi, I’m Ludwig van Beethoven,” said the not-a-statue.
“My daring plan worked!” shouted Didi, turning off her rocket pants. “We found a human!”
“If you’re looking for a human, you came to the right place,” said Ludwig van Beethoven. “Welcome to Humanland!”
“What are you telling me about Humanland?” I asked.
“I’m telling you that you have arrived at the World’s Newest and Greatest Theme Park: Humanland,” said Ludwig van Beethoven.
“What are you telling me about—” I started, but Didi interrupted me.
“I think I understand,” she said. “This is a theme park and the theme is humans. So, all the rides, games, and mascots are human-themed.”
I looked around and saw that she was right! It was like a huge fair. There were rides, games, gift shops, food stands, the world’s biggest meatball, and blaring music. And, just like Didi had said, everything was themed after famous humans.
“This place is crazy!” I gasped.
“There’s Inspector Flytrap and Nina riding on King Arthur’s Merry-Go-Round-Table!” I said.
“Look! There’s DJFunkyFoot swinging through Tarzan’s Bungee Jungle,” Didi said.
“UH-OH!” hollered the baby chicks. “There’s Cousin Yuk Yuk and Mimi Kiwi riding into Romeo and Juliet’s Tunnel of Kissing! BLECH!”
Every ride was packed with plants and animals and had a big line of more plants and animals waiting to get on next. And every game, food stand, and gift shop was just as crowded.
There were twenty-three pig scientists standing in line just for a chance to sit down.
But mixed in with all these normal animals, there were lots and lots of humans: presidents, artists, athletes, movie stars, royalty, musicians, game show hosts, and every other type of human I had ever read about in a book or seen in a movie.
“Freaky,” said the little baby chicks.
Suddenly, Ludwig van Beethoven took off his head. I am glad to be telling you that it wasn’t a REAL head! It looked like it was made of foam or something. And Beethoven wasn’t a REAL human. He was a wolf in a big, puffy mascot suit.
“OK, birds,” said the wolf. “Tickets to Humanland cost $139.95 . . . each! Pay up!”
Interlude
We paid for our tickets. It was a lot of money, but we had no choice if we wanted to find the Queen. “My daring plan worked TOO well,” said Didi. “We found lots of humans! Or, at least animals wearing big foam human heads. This MUST be what she meant. Somehow we have to find the one who kidnapped the Queen.”
“Then let’s get started!” I yelled, waving my wing, lifting my beak, and trying to make my eyes sparkle. “Now that we’re in Humanland, nothing is going to stop me from finding the human who took her!”
“Nothing?” asked the three baby chicks.
“Nothing!” I said.
“What about a really mean yak?” asked the first baby chick.
“No way!” I said.
“What about a big sea monster?” asked the second baby chick.
“No way!” I said.
“What about an adorable little lost baby zebra?” asked the third baby chick.
“Huh?” I said. “If a mean yak and a sea monster couldn’t stop me, how could a baby zebra?”
“Because it’s really, really, really cute and adorable,” said the third baby chick.
“And it looks like it lost its mommy,” said the second baby chick.
“And it’s right over there!” said the first baby chick.
“Uh-oh,” I said.
Didi and I looked where the baby chicks were pointing. There was a baby zebra. It was really, really, really cute and adorable. And it looked like it had lost its mommy.
“I lost my mommy!” cried the baby zebra in a way that was really, really, really cute and adorable but also so sad that it stopped me and Didi in our tracks.
“I’d like to add something to my daring plan,” said Didi.
“Do you mean helping the baby zebra look for its mommy while we look for the Queen?” I asked.
“Exactly!” said Didi.
“Fwank yoo,” said the baby zebra. “Yoo nice.”
And it held my wing with its tiny hoof.
Chapter 4
“Psst,” whispered Didi, barely shaking her wing, keeping her beak low, and definitely not eye-sparkling at all. “I have a plan.”
“What are you telling me with just ‘a plan’?” I asked. “Isn’t it a daring plan?”
“No, it’s a sneaky plan,” said Didi. “We’re going to pretend we’re just a normal family here to enjoy a day at Humanland.”
She took off her hat and sunglasses and put them in one pocket of her coat. Then she pulled two wigs from another pocket. She put one on and handed me the other.
“I’ll be the mom and you be the dad,” she said.
“What are you telling me about mom and dad?” I asked as I took off my hat and put on the wig.
“It’s a disguise,” said Didi. “We’ll never find the Queen if we zoom around in rocket pants all day. We’ve got to sneak around. So we’ll go undercover as parents with four adorable children.”
“Who are the adorable children?” asked the three baby chicks and the baby zebra.
“You are, of course,” said Didi.
“WE’RE HUNGWEE!” yelled the first baby chick.
“BUY US STUFF!” screamed the second baby chick.
“WE WANT FOOD ON A STICK!” shrieked the third baby chick.
“AN WE WUNT IT NOW!” hollered the baby zebra.
“Remember your manners, children,” said Didi in a motherly voice. “How do you ask nicely?”
“PUH-LEEEEEZE,” said the zebra and the chicks.
“Very good,” she said in the same mom voice. “We’ll all go get some corn dogs.”
“YAY!”
“ME FIRST!”
“NO! ME FIRST!”
“WAHHH!”
Then in her regular voice, Didi whispered, “Keep your eyes peeled for the Queen, a kidnapper dressed in a human costume, and the baby zebra’s mommy.”
Chapter 5
Oh my stars! Do you know how much corn dogs cost at the park? Nine dollars! And an extra dollar for the stick.
And there was a huge, long line. And the line was full of moms, dads, and kids, just like we were pretending to be.
“You were right, Didi,” I said. “These are great disguises.”
“Thanks,” said Didi. “But my sneaky plan isn’t working. We haven’t found the Queen or the mommy. And it’s impossible to tell who is in that Elvis costume.”
Then she switched to her motherly voice again.
“Children, stop poking each other with your corn-dog sticks!”
“IT’S HOT AND WE’RE THIRSTY!” said the zebra and the chicks.
“OK, children,” said Didi. “Let’s go over there and get some drinks!”
She pointed at a booth that had a big sign that said:
“YAY!”
“ME FIRST!”
“NO! ME FIRST!”
“WAHHH!”
“Do you want that in the special collector’s cup?” asked the fox who was selling the red gloop.
“YES!” yelled the zebra and the chicks.
“And do you want extra extra sugar?”
“YES!” yelled the zebra and the chicks.
“How about extra red color?”
“YES!” yelled the zebra and the chicks.
“Great, that’ll be fourteen dollars each!” said the fox.
The kids guzzled the red drinks. Didi and I looked around. No duck and no zebra. We did see a couple of Vikings, Queen Nefertiti, Scott Joplin, and Count Dracula, but we still could not tell what kinds of animals were inside the puffy costumes.
“NOW I HAF TO GO POTTY,” said the baby zebra.
“OK,” said Didi, “let’s all go find a restroom.”
“We don’t have to go,” said the baby chicks, “because we pooped on the chairs at the corn-dog place.”
Chapter 6
After the baby zebra used the potty, we had a quick meeting.
“I haven’t seen a single duck or zebra anywhere in this food court,” whispered Didi. “So let’s head to another part of the park.”
“That is a good thing!” I whispered back. “Because we have spent all of our money!”
But when we got out of the food court, things got even worse. A huge sign said:
“OK, children,” said Didi in her motherly voice. “Be mindful that we won’t be able to buy anything else. We’re just looking.”
We saw a stand called Now Ear This. A lion was selling hats with foam human ears.
“Can I get that?” asked the first baby chick.
“No, you’d only wear it once and then it would just take up space,” said Didi.
“WAH!” cried the first baby chick.
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