by Barbara Gee
“You’re a complicated man,” she finally said, her eyes glittering in the moonlight.
He gave a short grunt. “Ya think?”
“Mmm hmm. It was okay as long as I thought you were damaged. As long as I thought you were my cause.”
When she paused, he raised his brows. “You mean I’m not your damaged cause anymore?” he asked, not sure where she was going.
Izzy laughed softly and shook her head. “Nope. Not to the same extent, anyway. To be perfectly honest, now I see you as a man I could be interested in as more than a friend.” She lowered her head and rested her cheek on her knees, staring out into the darkness away from him. “You look too good and smell too good. You’re smart and witty and mysterious, and you’re kind, even though you fight it. Basically, you’re everything that appeals to me, but you’re also emotionally unavailable, and will be leaving soon anyway. So, I’m going to try to pretend I haven’t noticed all those things, and just leave it at friendly neighbors.” She was silent for a few seconds, then she raised her head back up and looked over at him, her lips curved in a self-conscious smile. “Which I’m pretty sure comes as a big relief to you. I’m just hoping you’ll still help me with my home buying decisions.”
“Of course I will.” He exhaled slowly. Her words should be a relief to him, but he’d be lying if he said they were. He wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted with this girl, he only knew it was more than what he could have. The feelings had crept up on him quickly, almost without him realizing it, and that alone was enough to concern him.
He knew she was right. Things couldn’t go any further.
Izzy rose gracefully to her feet. “Okay, well, I’ll keep you posted on the house.”
“Sounds good.” He stood and looked at her, not sure what came next. She managed a little smile, then looked down, scuffing her sandal against the porch. He sensed she wanted…something…as badly as he did.
And just like that, he was rethinking his decision to keep his distance. Nothing seemed quite as important right then as having this girl in his arms, even if it was only this once.
“Izzy,” he said quietly.
She gripped her upper arms in a protective gesture and finally raised her eyes to his. He was pretty sure she’d guessed what he wanted, and her words confirmed it.
“You should just say goodnight and leave,” she told him, her voice a little shaky. “This wasn’t a date, so no obligatory kiss is needed.”
“And if I want to kiss you anyway?” he asked, completely against his better judgment.
He saw her throat move as she swallowed hard. “We just talked about this. Friendly neighbors only, remember?” She laughed nervously. “I shouldn’t have admitted I find you attractive. Par for the course for me, I’m afraid. I speak before I think, and end up embarrassing myself.”
“I don’t want you to be embarrassed.” He couldn’t help himself. He reached out and ran his hand slowly down over her hair, the soft waves shining in the moonlight. Then he cupped her chin in his big hand, smoothing the pad of his thumb along her cheek. “You’re slipping through my defenses, Izzy. I have to admit I’m tempted to forget everything that’s holding me back and see where this attraction takes us in the next couple of weeks.”
***
Izzy felt her heart skip at his words. His light touch felt electric on her skin, and she fought the urge to lean into it.
“You won’t, though,” she said a little breathlessly. She knew he wouldn’t risk it—she also knew she would have a hard time resisting him if he proved her wrong.
“You sure about that?” he asked.
“Yep. You’re too disciplined to throw caution to the wind.” Unfortunately, she added silently, because the mere thought of him kissing her made her legs feel like Jello.
“Maybe.” He dropped his hand and shoved it into his pocket. “It would be selfish, anyway, knowing I won’t be here long.”
Izzy bit her lip. “I know you don’t have a choice about leaving. Your job with the FBI is obviously important, whether it’s computers……or something else.” She hesitated. A question hovered on her tongue, but it was one she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to.
“A lot of the time it’s computers,” he said, filling the awkward silence. “But yeah, my main job falls into the ‘something else’ category.” His voice was gentle, almost apologetic.
“Is it very dangerous?” she blurted out, wincing when he looked away without answering. “It is, isn’t it? Ryan had to save your life, so it must be. Is it more dangerous than what Ryan and Tuck do?”
He cleared his throat and finally gave a nod. “It can be. It usually is, but it’s also very necessary.”
Izzy reached out and took one of his hands between hers. “Why you?” she asked. “Why do you have to be the one to do the dangerous stuff?”
He shrugged. “I’m good at it, plus I don’t have other commitments. No family or other people depending on me. I’m sometimes out of contact for long stretches of time, so not having anyone to worry about me makes it easier.”
The revelation made Izzy’s heart hurt. “Surely you have people who worry. Tuck and Ryan would worry.”
“Maybe, but they’re colleagues. They know the drill.”
“How long have you been doing that job?”
“Six of my twelve years.”
“Seriously, Tanner?” She cringed at the thought. “Have you ever felt like maybe you’ve given enough? That maybe it’s time to let someone else take over while you move on to something tamer?”
She watched as he tilted his head and looked up at the stars. They were numerous and vividly bright, but she doubted he was thinking about their beauty. More likely he was looking right through them and seeing the reality of his world away from the ranch.
“I take it one assignment at a time,” he told her. “As long as I feel I can do it better than anyone else, it’s hard to walk away. There’s a lot at stake.”
Izzy felt the sting of tears. Why was this hitting her so hard? Had she been developing feelings for him all along without even realizing it? That seemed a little crazy considering she hadn’t been even remotely interested in any man in a year and a half.
The problem was, Tanner wasn’t any man.
She worked up the nerve to ask the next question. “Do you have any idea when you’ll be called back?”
He shook his head. “I’ve got a job coming up, but it won’t start for a while yet. I’m guessing it’ll be within a month, two at the most. My SAC insisted I get some R&R in the meantime, so here I am.”
Izzy raised her brows. “You call what you’re doing here restful and relaxing? It seems more like a full time job to me.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, but it’s exactly what I needed. I’m not much good at doing nothing all day.”
She swallowed hard. “You said you don’t have anyone who notices when you’re away, but I will now. And I’ll pray for you every day.”
“Thanks, Izzy. I appreciate it.”
She walked over to the porch railing and leaned back against it, hoping she would say the right words.
“I wish you prayed yourself, Tanner,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine being put in harm’s way without having God to turn to for strength.”
He looked at her, his eyes narrowing slightly. “It’s not that I don’t believe in God, I just figure He has more important things to worry about.”
“I think you’re wrong about that,” Izzy said, wishing she knew exactly what to say to reach him. “He cares about all of us. Every minute.”
“If you say so.”
“It’s the Bible that says so, not me,” she replied quickly. “I don’t expect you to just take my word for it.”
“Okay, I get it,” he said a little shortly.
Izzy knew she’d said nothing to convince him, but since he seemed done with the subject, she decided not to push. The good thing was that the turn in conversation had steered them away from thinking about a goodnight kiss
, and it had also given her a new idea for getting the Bible’s message in front of him. She needed to give it some more thought, but if she handled it right, it might work.
That was a plan for another day, though.
“I guess we’d better get to bed,” she said, feeling a little sad when she saw his shoulders relax, indicating he was relieved to have the conversation come to an end.
“Yeah. I need to go into the barn tomorrow morning, even though it’s Saturday. Comet needs a workout.”
“You’ll probably see most of the staff working. There’s always so much to do on the Saturday before a new retreat week. Especially since we aren’t supposed to work at all on Sunday.”
“It’s actually fine with me,” he assured her. “I don’t have anything better to do.”
“Good. Well I’ll see you around, I guess. Sleep well, neighbor.”
“You too. Good night, Izzy.” He gave her a brief smile, waited while she unlocked and opened her front door, then walked down the steps and across the lawn to his own cabin.
Izzy watched him for a moment, then pulled her eyes away and went inside. She leaned back against the door and let out a long, frustrated, heartfelt sigh.
She couldn’t remember ever feeling quite so torn and confused.
CHAPTER 10
Tanner enjoyed the weekend, even though he didn’t see even a glimpse of Izzy. He ended up spending most of the day Saturday in the barn, along with two long rides out through the fields of the ranch, giving Comet and one of the other horses a chance to really stretch their legs.
On Sunday afternoon, he went out to the shooting range with Tuck and Ryan where they spent a few hours trying to show each other up. Shooting a dozen different guns, trash-talking, teasing, and laughing until it hurt. He ended up having dinner with the men and their wives, not getting back to his cabin until late.
Between the two men and Izzy, Tanner’s solitary existence was under siege. They were peeling away the protective layers he’d been hiding under, and he felt himself coming back to life. He had enjoyed the last week more than any he could remember, and yet it would make it that much harder to go back undercover.
Part of him wanted to hurry up and leave the ranch, but a bigger part of him wanted to stay and enjoy it as long as possible.
He wondered if Izzy had intentionally avoided him for the weekend. If she had, he understood, and told himself he was okay with that. Their discussion Friday evening had gotten kind of deep, and some distance was probably good. He hoped she didn’t make a habit of avoiding him, though. He missed her.
Then came Monday, when thirty-two veterans and their families checked in. There were no hippotherapy sessions scheduled for the first day, but all the barn staff pitched in to help get the families settled in. Tanner and the others took turns taking people to their rooms and giving them quick tours of the main buildings.
He hardly had time to think, and yet he still found himself looking for Izzy in the hustle and bustle. It seemed she’d broken something loose inside of him, something that had been tightly locked away, but was now flowing free. He was a man responding to a captivating woman, and while that was as natural as breathing for most men, Tanner was way out of practice. He felt like a high-schooler with a crush, which was mortifying considering his age and life experience.
He tried to talk himself out of it, repeatedly going through all the reasons why he shouldn’t act on his feelings. It did no good. None of his internal reasoning changed the fact that he wanted to start something with Izzy Harding.
For her sake, he’d continue to fight it—but he no longer tried to deny it.
Late in the afternoon, he finally saw her as he was walking to the barn with Molly to get started on the last feeding of the day. They cut through the gym to save some time, and several groups of children were playing some organized games throughout the space. Tanner heard a familiar voice and turned to see Izzy cheering on some kids who were doing some kind of relay race, holding hands in a line and stepping through hula hoops to move them down the line without letting go of each other.
He didn’t realize he’d stopped to watch until Molly spoke.
“The physical therapy staff keeps the kids occupied during the afternoon on registration day so their parents can go to orientation meetings.”
“Looks like they’re having fun,” Tanner said, just as a child tripped over his hula hoop and brought his line down like dominoes. Izzy’s infectious laugh rang out as she encouraged them to get up and keep going.
“Yeah,” Molly agreed. “It’s a great way for the kids to get involved and have fun right from the start. They used to take them to the theater to watch movies, but Izzy Harding came up with the game idea a few months ago. Which makes sense, considering our retreats are completely centered around physical activity. No reason the kids shouldn’t get into the act.”
Tanner tore his gaze away from Izzy’s bright blonde head as she supervised the laughing, screeching kids. Molly kept talking as they walked around the edge of the gym floor. “Izzy will be taking over for Lowell soon. She’ll have big shoes to fill, but Jolene Kendall will still be consulting, so that’ll help. Izzy’s young, but she’s a real talented physical therapist. If she can handle the pressure and all the administrative work, she should be fine.”
“She seems totally dedicated to this place. My guess is she’ll do well.”
Molly gave him a questioning look. “You know Izzy?”
“I’m in the staff cabin beside hers.”
“Ugh, those cabins. So tiny. I can’t believe Izzy is still staying there.”
“I think they’re pretty comfortable,” Tanner countered.
“Well, if you ever want to get away from it all, the barn, the cabin, and the cafeteria, just let me know. I’ll cook dinner and we can hang out at my place. I live in town, and I’ve got a big screen TV. Something you won’t find on campus.”
“I was told that’s because they want to encourage people to be out and about, not in their rooms watching TV or playing video games.”
“Yeah, but as a staff person, vegging out in front of the TV is sometimes the best way for me to unwind.”
“I’m not much for TV. I tend to unwind by running or working out,” Tanner said, hoping Molly wouldn’t try to pin him down on going to her place. “So what comes first tomorrow morning?” he asked, not so subtly changing the subject.
“We’ll meet with all the veterans interested in pursuing hippotherapy during their stay here at the ranch. I always show them a short video explaining how riding can help strengthen their core and improve their sense of balance. We don’t teach them to ride per se, all they need to do is be able to stay on the horse. We don’t go on outside rides during therapy, either. There are trail rides available they can sign up for if they’re physically able, but that’s completely separate from the therapy side of things.”
Tanner thought about that. “Are they disappointed that all the therapy takes place in the rings, and they aren’t going to become expert riders?”
“That’s the purpose of the video. It does a great job of explaining what we do, and showing how the movements of the horse mimic our own walking movements, which strengthens all the right muscles. Then we can vary that by sitting sideways and backwards, strengthening both the back and stomach muscles. I don’t suppose you’ve heard the term ‘vestibular’?”
“Nope,” Tanner said, holding open the door to the equestrian center.
“It’s primarily the inner ear, also parts of the brain responsible for balance. It’s simply amazing how hippotherapy improves that.” She smiled up at Tanner. “You already know all about horses, but by the end of this retreat, you’re going to know a lot about the human body, too. It’s fascinating.”
“So I’ll be helping with the riding part?”
“Yes, with some of the riders we’ll need three spotters. And we always have at least two horses going at a time, sometimes three or four. Two per ring. So while we have sessions
going on, it’s all hands on deck. But like I told you the other day when we were going over work schedules, we try to wrap up our sessions by three o’clock, so there’s plenty of time to get the horses squared away for the night without keeping the staff too late.”
“I’m happy to do my part. You all do good work here,” Tanner said sincerely. “Important work. I admire the mission of this place.”
“It’s the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. I think most of the staff feel that way. We don’t have much turnover when it comes to the full-timers.”
“Doesn’t appear you have a shortage of volunteers, either,” Tanner replied.
“We usually have a waiting list. We also offer lots of internships to college students, and they come from all over the country. Keeps things interesting.”
“Do you have any trouble with them getting crazy in the dorms?”
“A la spring break?” Molly asked with a laugh. “Surprisingly, no. Oh sure, there are always a few who come here with that mentality, but all of them sign a contract to abide by the rules, and let me tell you, this place is strict, and there is zero tolerance. Maddy and Libby enforce it, too. The rule breakers are expelled immediately, and that news travels. The kids who come here know they either play by the rules, or they’re out of here.”
“I like that philosophy,” Tanner said. “A lot of kids nowadays think they call the shots. It’s good for them to realize there are consequences to misbehavior.”
“I agree one hundred percent,” Molly said. “This place runs like clockwork because the owners don’t shy away from doing what needs to be done.”
They reached the turn-off to the stable area. “I’ll go get the feeding started,” Tanner said.
“Thanks. You came along at just the right time, you know. It would have been real hard for me to let Bob spend an extended period of time with his sick dad if you hadn’t shown up.”
Tanner had actually arrived within hours of Bob’s request to go be with his father, who had suffered a stroke. He was glad to take over for the man who had overseen the care of the horses, but Molly needed to know his time there had no guarantees.
