by Barbara Gee
“Shut up, Tanner,” she said, her lips curving into a reluctant smile.
“I’m serious. I would’ve been your dad’s worst nightmare.”
“Nah, he’d have seen your potential.”
“I can only hope.” He patted her knee. “So high school ended on a high note?”
“Yeah, high school was great.” She grimaced and hunched her shoulders. “Too bad things went downhill from there.” And she’d give almost anything to not have to tell him about it.
“Might as well tell me about it,” he said gently, as if reading her mind. “I won’t judge you, Izzy. I just want to know you.”
She looked into his eyes for a few seconds, and she believed him. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Time to get it over with.
“When I got to college, I basically went wild. I wish I could blame someone, or something, other than myself, for getting me so off track, but I really can’t. There were other people involved, but I’m the one who made the poor decisions.”
“Was there something specific that set you off?”
She nodded. “For the first time in my life, I was completely alone. Instead of staying close to home and going to University of Kansas, or Kansas State, like most of my friends, I went to UNLV. I was determined to be a rebel, I guess.”
He gave a soft whistle. “You went from Topeka to Las Vegas?”
“I did, and yes, it was a shock. I didn’t have my family, and I didn’t know a single soul on that campus. Going off totally on my own had sounded so brave and romantic, but in reality it was awful. I had some really hard classes, and at first I was really overwhelmed and scared of losing my scholarship. It was the first time I ever worried about grades.”
“So you spent all your time studying?”
“Yeah, for the first six weeks or so, until I realized I could handle it after all. By then, I’d missed the chance to meet people at all the beginning of the year parties, and I was still a loner. Another first for me, and I realized I hated it. So my roommate came to the rescue. She and I didn’t really click at first, because she was a huge partier and couldn’t understand why I spent so much time studying. But she was also sweet, and when I hinted I was ready to start being more social, she took pity on my lonely self and started dragging me to parties with her. It was such a relief to get back out with people. I gradually made some friends, and pretty soon, I was going to either a party or a club every Friday and Saturday night.”
“That’s pretty typical,” Tanner declared. “I did the same thing my freshman year.”
“Yeah, but it was all new for me. These parties were a lot different from the ones in high school. At first I was scared to death because it was like, anything goes, you know? The alcohol. The dancing. The games and the flirting. I was a wall-flower the first few times, just stood in a corner and watched everything. It was fascinating, but terrifying. Then I found that a few drinks made it all a lot easier. Pretty soon I was fitting right in, and it went straight to my head. It was so great to be in the thick of things again. I had guys trying to get my number all the time. Even the big, bad, athlete guys, the ones all the girls wanted. It was heady stuff, you know? I didn’t neglect my studying, but I lived for the weekends.”
“Did you date any of those big, bad athletes?”
“I went on my share of dates, but that wasn’t the scene I wanted. I liked the noise and the crowds, not a guy buying me dinner and then pressuring me to sleep with him. Believe it or not, at that point, I wasn’t hooking up with anyone. I could play and tease with the best of them, but when it came to sex, everything my parents had pounded into my head about being careful and not doing something I’d regret was still strong enough to deter me. Plus, the guys I was meeting were fun to party with, but they didn’t do much for me one on one. Most of them were so full of themselves, it was agonizing to be with them unless I was drunk. So outside of the parties, I had no desire to be around them.”
Izzy blew out a breath and studied her fingernails, not wanting to look into Tanner’s eyes. She forced herself to go on, because there was no stopping now and she knew it. “So then second semester started, and there was this guy in my Anatomy and Physiology class. I noticed him right away, and something about him drew me in. After a week or so, I got up the nerve to sit beside him in class, and realized he could actually converse like a real adult, not a self-absorbed jerk. Soon after that, I ran into him at a party, and we hung out for a while. He was charming and cute, and I was thrilled that he seemed to like me. We were at the same party again the next night, and this time we danced for a while, and had a few drinks together. By the end of the night I was falling hard.”
Tanner squeezed her knee. “I’m not sure how I want this to end,” he murmured.
“I’ll cut to the chase,” she told him. This was the hard part, but Izzy was determined to push through and be completely truthful. She pulled her legs from his lap and drew them up, wrapping her arms around them. “We started dating, and I really, really liked him. He started pushing me to sleep with him, but I wanted more time because I still wasn’t sure I was ready to take that step. After a few weeks, he started calling me less, and was often busy when I suggested we get together. Then I showed up at a party where he wasn’t expecting me, and found him in a corner with a girl who was a little more willing to put out than I was. I confronted him, but he just looked at me like I was dirt. He didn’t even care that I caught him. He told me we were over and shrugged me off.”
“He was scum,” Tanner said grimly. “You were way too good for the likes of him.”
Izzy sighed. “Not for long. Word got out that I was a prude, and all the attention I’d been getting dried up. I’m sure I could’ve found another social group to be a part of, but by then I was hooked on being a part of that “fun” crowd and didn’t want to find other friends. But they didn’t want me the way I was, and suddenly I was back to studying on weekends. I hated it. I missed the dancing and the drinking, and guys looking at me and making me feel beautiful and irresistible.”
She folded her arms on her knees and dropped her forehead on top of them. It was easier if she couldn’t see him sitting there, waiting for her to finish.
“So I did what I needed to do to get the attention back. It worked, and pretty soon I was the life of the party again. Guys wanted me. Girls wanted to be me. I didn’t sleep around indiscriminately, but often enough to get the reputation that kept me at the top of the social lists. At first I felt a lot of guilt and was disgusted at myself, but everyone was doing it, and the guilt gradually faded. I was just a normal college student, doing what college students did. I loved the power it gave me. Being able to control cute guys with hardly any effort. They were at my beck and call, and the attention became addicting.”
***
Tanner stayed silent, waiting for her to go on. He wished she hadn’t pulled away—he wanted her closer.
She turned her head to the side, her cheek resting on her knees, still not looking at him. “I never lost sight of my academic goals, thank goodness, and I didn’t do any drugs, ever. Just alcohol, dancing, and guys. My parents didn’t realize what was going on, because I was so far from home. Whenever I visited them, I was the picture of decorum. They had no idea I’d become so wild.”
“Did it last all through college?” he asked when she fell silent again.
“Yep, and then I went to grad school. I applied to four, and got accepted to all of them, because in spite of everything, I’d managed to keep my grades extremely high. I chose the University of Iowa, and I welcomed the chance to have another brand new start. I was determined not to hit the party scene, but like I said, I was addicted. I needed to be surrounded by people, preferably ones who fawned all over me. So pretty soon, I was right back at it.”
Tanner hated hearing the pain and regret in her voice. He felt bad for making her talk about it, but getting it all out now meant they wouldn’t have to bring it up again. It would be finished.
“Wh
en did it change?” he asked softly.
She raised her head but she didn’t meet his eyes. She brought her hands in front of her knees and twisted them together, looking at them instead of him. “It was a long process, unfortunately. It started when I got an internship right here at the ranch, working for none other than Jolene Tolley. Now Jolene Kendall, of course.”
“How old were you then? Twenty-three?”
“Not quite. I was still twenty-two, and halfway through grad school. With the head-start I had from my advanced high school classes, I was ahead of the game.”
“Gotcha. So, you and Jolene?” he prompted.
She smiled a little sadly. “Jolene was the most awesome person I’d ever met. Not only was she an incredible physical therapist, she had a passion for this place that drove us all to be the best we could be. I admired her so much, but when it came to her social life, I just had to shake my head, because she basically had none. She was single at the time, and you know how gorgeous she is, and I immediately wanted to hang out with her outside of work. I was constantly inviting her to go to the clubs with me on weekends, but she had absolutely no interest. I finally asked her why she was blowing me off, if I wasn’t good enough for her or whatever, and she took me to her office, sat me down, and very gently explained that she and I had much different ideas of fun. She never partied, and she didn’t sleep around. She even told me she was still a virgin. I just laughed, I mean, I couldn’t believe that a beautiful girl like her hadn’t given it up a long time ago. I asked if she knew what she was missing, and she very sweetly said ‘nothing she couldn’t wait for.’ She was so at peace with her decision, and it made me all kinds of mad.”
Tanner heard the tears in her voice as she put her head back down on her knees. He couldn’t keep away. He scooted over beside her, putting his hand on the back of her head and pushing his fingertips into her soft hair. “There’s no judgment here, Izzy, believe me. I was a lot like you in my college years. It’s probably good I only had two of them before the FBI got a hold of me.”
She let out a soft moan. “I figured you’d be nice about it, Tanner, but oh my word, I hate talking about those years.”
“But I already know there’s a happy ending,” he said softly. “Let’s hurry up and get there.”
He heard her release a deep sigh. Finally, she looked at him, and he saw the tears threatening. He didn’t even think about it, he just reached his arms around her and scooped her up, settling her in his lap and holding her against him, her head tucked under his chin.
She was stiff at first, but he felt her gradually relax. He rubbed her back lightly, no longer in a hurry for her to get to the ending because he wanted to keep her right where she was.
“Now I don’t even remember where I was in the story,” she admitted, her voice a little shaky.
Tanner hoped that lapse in memory was because she was as affected by their physical contact as he was. “You were telling me about how different you and Jolene were.”
She nodded, her cheek moving against his chest. “Oh, yeah. So anyway, Jolene started sharing her faith with me. She never, ever preached, just answered my questions, and lived by example. I didn’t stop clubbing, but I realized I was becoming more and more ashamed of my behavior. I didn’t want Jolene to know what I did, and I was embarrassed when the other interns teased me about being so wild and careless. Especially when they did it in front of her. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, because I didn’t want to be like Jolene anyway. I didn’t want to go back to being the prude no guy would look twice at.” She gave a self-deprecating laugh. “And then Boone Kendall came to the ranch for rehab.”
Tanner grunted. “I remember hearing about that. He was still suffering the effects of a concussion, right?”
“Yeah. His team cut him loose for the rest of the season to heal, and he came here for rehab and to volunteer at our ice rink. Being a huge hockey fan, I knew who he was, and when I found out he was coming to the ranch, I was beside myself. I was sure this was my big chance. Guys loved me, right? So, of course Boone would, too. I had such high hopes, but no. In spite of me practically throwing myself at him, he fell hook, line and sinker for Jolene. Immediately. He never looked twice at me or anyone else—he went for the quiet, unassuming girl I’d considered a boring prude when it came to men. That shocked me to the core.”
“How did you handle that?”
“I was green with envy. Not only because Jolene got the guy without even trying, but because they had something I’d never even come close to having. The way he looked at her—it just made me melt every time, and for the first time, I realized that the way guys looked at me had nothing to do with true caring. It was all lust. All they cared about was whether I’d put out and if it would be any good. Which of course was the way I looked at them, too. Were they cute? Good body? Not too boring?”
Tanner knew how that went. It was the stuff of every bar and club. “Was Boone and Jolene’s relationship the turning point for you?” he asked.
“You’d think so, right? But nope. Even though I desperately wanted what they had, I didn’t believe it could ever happen. Not at that point in my life, with the way I’d been living. I wasn’t a Christian, I wasn’t a virgin, and I wasn’t worthy of a man like Boone. So I tried to drown my sorrows by doing more of what I was already doing. I partied harder than ever through the end of my internship, and soon after that I graduated. I was finally, finally, finished with school.”
“Ready for the wonderful working world,” Tanner said dryly.
“Yep. I got a good job in Chicago and moved there within weeks. I found a great apartment, and started to make some friends at work, which was at a really big hospital. I also kept in touch with Jolene. She loved me in spite of it all, you know? And she wasn’t going to give up on me.”
Izzy shifted against him and Tanner was afraid she was going to pull away, but if anything she snuggled closer. “Of course my social life was as busy as ever. Then, about three months after I moved to Chicago, I was at a club and a guy drugged me. I was always really careful about guarding my drinks, but that night I left one of my friends in charge of it while I went to the restroom. I found out later she’d walked away from the table to talk to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while. It was only a minute or two, but it was long enough. When I got back to the table, this weird guy started hanging around, chatting me up and making suggestive comments. I remember telling him to get lost, and I remember him glaring at me with so much hatred in his eyes, and after that everything is fuzzy. I found out later that when I started fading out, he got me out of the club by telling people I was feeling sick, probably from food poisoning. My friend had gone back out on the dance floor, but she looked over just in time to see him holding me up and leading me out the front door.”
Tanner realized his arms were clamped too tightly around her. He made himself relax his grip, but he kept her right there against him. “Please tell me she got you away from him.”
“Oh, yeah, she definitely did. She screamed like a banshee, yelling at everyone nearby to stop him. He got me outside before anyone realized who she was pointing to, and then he picked me up and ran. He was halfway across the parking lot and almost to his car when one of the bouncers caught up. He grabbed me away and another bouncer tackled the guy. He resisted, giving the bouncer an excuse to get a few good hits in. I pressed charges and he spent some time in jail. I don’t even know how long. I stopped checking on him because it was consuming my life, and that wasn’t healthy.”
Tanner was grateful beyond words that she hadn’t been abducted and assaulted. Or worse, killed. “Thank God for your friend,” he said gruffly.
“Yeah.” Izzy sighed, her chest rising and falling in the circle of his arms. “After that night, I was terrified to stay alone. I had a few sleep deprived weeks in my apartment, and then a friend from work asked if I wanted to move in with her. She had a two-bedroom condo and wanted some help with the rent. At first I resisted, but she finally
convinced me to take a look at the place, and I fell in love with it.”
“Why did you resist at first?”
“Believe it or not, it was because she was a really strong Christian. I was okay talking about that subject with Jolene, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to actually live with someone who might be a little more preachy.”
“Was she?” he asked.
“Maybe a little, but always in a nice way, and I knew she did it because she genuinely cared about my salvation, not because she wanted to get credit or something. She soon started inviting me to go to church with her, and since I was too afraid to get back into the club scene, I decided I had nothing better to do on the weekends.”
“So you found the Lord?” Tanner asked.
“I did. I ended up joining the church, and I grew and grew. I finally had what I’d been searching for all those years, without even knowing that’s what I was doing. I was using men and parties to fill a hole I hadn’t even realized was there.”
“The addiction was gone?”
“Immediately, thank God, and it hasn’t come back. I don’t need any of that anymore.” She pushed away from his chest and met his gaze. Her eyes were still a little shiny, but he was pretty sure the threat of tears was over. “So that’s my story, Tanner. Well, except for the very last part. Six months ago, which was a little over two years after I left my internship here, Jolene called and offered me a full time position. I accepted immediately, and haven’t looked back. I love it here so much, and I’m so grateful to the people who have helped me get to this point.”
“Ah, there’s my happy ending,” he said softly, getting lost in her expressive eyes. He wanted to tell her how proud he was of her, but he knew she wouldn’t believe he meant it. She saw only her weakness during those years, whereas he saw the strength that had been present all along, carrying her through to where she was now.
Suddenly her eyes filled again and she pressed her lips tightly together to stop their trembling.
