by Barbara Gee
She understood what he was trying to protect her from, and she appreciated it. It was yet another example of the unselfish man he was. She also knew that nothing he could say would keep her from waiting for him, longing for his return. In order to pacify him, however, she offered a compromise.
“How about we wait until you have to leave, and reevaluate at that point?”
He searched her eyes for a long time before giving a slow nod. “I’ll make that deal,” he said with a relieved smile.
“Good. Can we go now?” Izzy asked hopefully.
He looked surprised, then pulled her to her feet, keeping hold of her hands. “You don’t want to talk to Luther about anything else?”
She shook her head firmly. “No. I know I have a lot to process, but I’m kind of on emotional overload and I just want to be with you right now. No Agent Luther, no FBI. Just you and me.”
“I’d have to be crazy to argue with that,” he said, his lips curving up.
She returned his smile. “I know just what we can do.”
“Hold that thought,” Tanner said, tugging her toward Tuck’s office. They said their goodbyes, and Izzy sincerely thanked Agent Luther for taking the time to come talk to her personally. He seemed pleasantly surprised by her quick hug, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he shook hands with Tanner.
“I should’ve known you’d choose well,” he said. “Enjoy the rest of your time here. I’ll be in touch.”
Out in the car, Tanner turned to her and raised a brow. “So where are we headed?”
She grinned. “Go back to the retreat center and park in front of the cafeteria building.”
He started the car and reversed out into the lane. “You didn’t have enough dinner?”
“We aren’t going there to eat, we’re going to the theater. There weren’t any movies scheduled for tonight, so we’ll have it all to ourselves.” She smiled over at him. “There’s nothing better than a good movie to take your mind off things.”
“Good being the key word,” he said warily. “I should warn you, I’m not into sappy chick flicks.”
“We’ll have lots to choose from,” she assured him. “I’m fine with comedies or action movies.”
Once in the building, she led him to the theater and used her staff key to open the door, locking it again behind them. They stopped at the computer in the control booth and scrolled through a catalog of movies. Izzy had no preference, and when Tanner stopped on the latest ‘Fast and Furious’ installment and gave her a hopeful look, she grinned and started it, using a remote to turn on the ceiling-mounted projector.
“Want something to drink?” she asked, opening a well-stocked cooler to the side of the booth.
They both chose water, then they took seats in the very middle of the fifty-seat room. For the next ninety minutes they sat shoulder to shoulder, put their minds in neutral, and let themselves be entertained. When the movie ended and the dimly lit room went quiet, Tanner reached over and put his arm around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head.
“Just what I needed,” he said. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay.” Izzy looked at him and managed a smile. “I’m not gonna lie, Tanner. I’ll probably go home and have a good cry, because I’m feeling overwhelmed and more than a little scared about the future, but I’m not going to cut and run. I believe we do have a future, it’s just going to be delayed for a while.”
“We still have a few weeks before that delay starts,” he pointed out.
She grinned. “And we have a date tomorrow night.”
“Yes ma’am, we do,” he agreed.
They shut down the computer and projector and left the theater. He wrapped his arm around her and she leaned into him, her own arm around his waist. A late night snack bar in the cafeteria was still open, and a few staff members and retreat-goers milled around, chatting and laughing.
Izzy always liked to see people hanging out and socializing after a long day of activities. It made for a better overall retreat experience when new friendships were formed, and many of them lasted long after the retreat ended.
“You want to grab a cup of coffee before we head out?” she asked.
“Sounds good to me.”
They veered over that way, getting to the big coffee urns just as two women stepped away, steaming cups in hand. Izzy’s heart jumped a little when she realized one of them was Molly.
“Oh, hi Tanner,” the other woman said cheerfully, her smile faltering a bit when she realized he was holding Izzy against his side. “Hey, Izzy,” she added.
“Molly,” Tanner greeted. “Don’t tell me you haven’t had a chance to go home all day.”
“No no, I was home. Kendra here came over for dinner and I’m just dropping her off. I decided to get a coffee to save making a pot at home.”
“Good thinking.” Tanner took two cups off a stack and handed one to Izzy. “I’ll be heading to the barn in the morning to feed the horses. Let me know if there’s anything else you need me to do tomorrow.”
“No, if you can do the morning feeding I’ll have Colton do the afternoon one. We have a few kids signed up for recreational riding in the ring, but Saturdays are typically real light days for the horses, and Colton can handle it. So, yeah, uh, I guess I’ll see you on Monday. Good night you two.”
Molly hurried off and Tanner groaned softly. “Guess that takes care of that problem,” he said. “Probably for the best.”
“I hope you weren’t planning to keep you and me a secret,” Izzy said worriedly, “because Molly knows everyone who works on this campus, and she loves to talk.”
“Fine with me. I feel kinda bad, but it’ll be a relief not to have to avoid her dinner invitations at the end of every day.”
“She means well. I hope she finds a good guy soon.” She grinned up at him. “Just not my guy.”
“No worries there,” Tanner said.
They took turns filling their cups with coffee, then they went to a table in a corner. The main cafeteria lights were all turned down after the busy dinner hour, and the corner was in the shadows, giving them plenty of privacy. They talked about the movie they’d just watched, the home inspection scheduled for the next morning on Izzy’s duplex, and the veterans they’d been working with. But they never once mentioned Luther or the FBI.
***
They stood at her front door, Tanner’s arms tight around her back.
“I don’t want to let you go in there,” he said. “I know the minute I’m gone you’re going to start thinking back on everything you learned tonight.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head. “I don’t want you to cry, Iz.”
She loved his compassion. She loved so many things about him. “I’ll be okay,” she said gently. “I just need to get the raw emotion out. Then I’ll be able to talk about it without totally breaking down.”
“Are you sure you need to be alone?”
She nodded, then went up on her toes and slid her arms around his neck. “The worst thing is knowing you’re going to be in danger every single minute, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to help you.”
He nodded. “I get that, but I’m good at what I do, Iz. I can’t promise nothing will go wrong, but if it does I’ll do my best to deal with it, get the job done, and come back to you safe and sound.”
She dropped her forehead into the curve of his neck and shoulder. “Please, please, please come back,” she murmured. “I don’t want to wish my life away, but a big part of me would love to go to sleep and not wake up until you’re in a plane heading back toward me.”
He cradled her head in a big hand. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. You had a good thing going here, and now I’ve complicated everything.”
“Hmm. Maybe. But you’ve also made my good thing better.”’
“I hope you feel the same way a few months from now. Or a year.” He sighed and gently tugged her hair to tilt her head back. “I’m going back to my own cabin now, but I want to hear from you in t
he morning. If I don’t get my verse-of-the-day first thing, I’m coming over to check on you.”
“Ah, thanks for reminding me. I need to find a good one.”
He bent his head and pressed his lips lightly to hers. “Good night. I hope you get some sleep.”
“I will,” she said, hoping it was true. “I’m still really looking forward to our date, so you’d better get to planning it.”
“I have some ideas,” he assured her. He gave her one more quick kiss, then another, then reluctantly stood back, waiting until she unlocked the door and went inside before he walked back to his cabin.
Izzy changed into shorts and a tee shirt, then went to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. When she curled up on her bed, she finally allowed herself to feel the terror she’d held at bay all evening. It hit her hard, and there was no stopping the gut-wrenching sobs that came from her very core.
It wasn’t even the waiting that was the issue. She could—she would—wait as long as it took. What scared her to death was the possibility that she’d wait, only to hear he’d been killed. Just thinking about that incredible man losing his life while trying to save his fellow Americans from a terrorist threat was more than she felt she could handle, and yet the possibility was very real. Ignoring it would be easier, but it would also be a cop-out. If she wanted a relationship with Tanner, she had to face it and somehow come to terms with it.
Once again she used her pillow to muffle her sobs. She needed to cry—it was the best way to relieve the pressure of the emotions she was feeling. She needed to get it out, and she did. But after a few minutes, she calmed, rolled over, and then did the most important thing. The only thing she could do that would help the man she knew she loved. Once again, she opened her heart in prayer.
CHAPTER 17
Tanner paced the length of his small cabin over and over. It was almost six o’clock in the morning. Still a little too early to expect Izzy’s text, but it was all he could think about. Had she been able to get to sleep? Had she really had to cry it out? He needed to know she was okay before guilt ate him up.
Fifteen agonizing minutes later, his phone buzzed.
Izzy: Morning. You doing okay?
BFF: I think I should be asking you that question.
Izzy: I’m okay if you’re okay.
BFF: I guess we’ll be okay together then. Did you get any sleep?
Izzy: Enough. You ready for your VOTD?
BFF: Bring it.
Izzy: Here goes: So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Hebrews 13:6.
BFF: Mere mortals huh?
Izzy: In your case, I think we can substitute “evil terrorists.”
BFF: I like that.
Izzy: Good. Memorize it so you remember it while you’re gone.
BFF: I’ll remember all of them.
Izzy: Cool. What time tonight?
BFF: 6:30
Izzy: Jeans? Skirt? Dress?
BFF: I’m not gonna pass up the chance to see you in a dress….
Izzy: As long as we’re not doing something active.
BFF: No active stuff.
Izzy: Counting the hours. Have a good day.
BFF: You too. Thanks for the verse.
Tanner let his phone fall against his leg, his sense of relief so strong it was almost scary. He’d been afraid that after sleeping on everything she’d learned the previous evening, she’d back off fast, before her heart took any more of a beating.
Her texts seemed to say differently, however. Izzy wasn’t running. She was apparently still all in, and they were still on for tonight. The girl was amazing, determined to carry on in spite of it all.
Which reminded him there was one more thing he needed to know. He sent her another quick text asking her to let him know how the home inspection went that morning. She replied right away, telling him she would.
Tanner left for the barn, his mind still full of her. Was this how it was when you fell in love? Was it impossible to get that person out of your head for more than a few minutes at a time?
Maybe he’d get used to it and learn to compartmentalize. He hoped so, for the sake of his job. He wasn’t used to having someone to think about while on assignment. He’d always considered that an advantage, because of the distractions a relationship posed, and also the temptation he might feel to rush things so he could get back.
At the same time, having someone to come back to would be incredible. Especially if that someone was Isabella Harding.
He smiled to himself. Maybe his memories of Izzy would be worth any distraction they might pose. At least she would give him something to focus on in the dark, lonely nighttime hours, when he often had trouble turning off his mind to find rest. Her laughing eyes, her beautiful smile. The memory of her lips against his.
His smile widened. Yep. She might just make it bearable, his Izzy.
He went into the barn and started making his rounds of the horses, getting them fed and ready for the day. They would be let out to graze once the morning kids’ rides were over, so he went easy on the grain.
As usual, spending time with his favorite animals soothed his soul. This morning they seemed to sense he had a lot on his mind, and their gentle head butts and soft nickers weren’t as much about getting food as they were forcing him to interact and lose his melancholy. Tanner wasn’t sure he could actually communicate with the horses, as Izzy and Andi claimed, but the animals sure had a knack of knowing what he needed.
By the time he left the barn, he felt energized and ready for the day. He would miss these gentle, intelligent beasts when he left. Just one more thing about this place that would pull at his heart strings.
***
“What are you going to wear tonight?” Andi asked as they rode their bikes away from the ranch, down a little-travelled road that went past some picturesque buttes.
Izzy reminded herself to be on guard as they talked. If she slipped up and said anything about what she’d found out last night, Andi would pick up on it and want to know more. She’d understand if Izzy told her wasn’t at liberty to share, but her curiosity would be off the charts. Better if she didn’t know anything at all.
“He suggested a dress,” she said, in answer to Andi’s excited question. “I’m thinking the black one I wore to the volunteer appreciation party last month.”
“Oh yeah, the short one with the cute cap sleeves, and that Grecian thing going on with the bodice? You looked fabulous in that.”
“It’s not that short,” Izzy said, uncertain now. The dress was flattering but modest up top, so that wasn’t a problem. But it was a good four or so inches above her knees. Was that too much for a first date?
“It’s perfect. Tanner will be completely tongue-tied when he sees you.”
“Ah, I definitely don’t want that,” Izzy replied with a happy grin. “I like when he talks. I could listen to him all day.”
“Oh my word, you’ve got it bad.” Andi responded. “What is it about him? I know for a fact you get approached by men all the time, and the most you’ve ever agreed to is coffee. Once. Never twice. So what is it about Tanner that changed all that?”
“You’ve met most of the guys I’ve had coffee with,” Izzy said, putting more effort into pedaling as they approached a slight rise. “Do any of them look like Tanner? Walk like him? Talk like him? Have I ever had coffee with a man whose every word I find fascinating? Who has a heart so big I’m not sure how it even fits in his chest?”
Andi laughed. “Wow, that big? ‘Cause Tanner’s got a really big chest!” she blurted out.
Izzy sighed happily. “Yes, yes he does, and I do appreciate a ripped, well-built man.” She raised her face to the early morning sunlight, enjoying the steady rush of air against her skin as they rode. “Seriously, Andi, he’s the whole package, as they say. Everything about him just speaks to me, you know? It’s like he was made by God just for me. I mean, I know that’s not the way it work
s, but that’s what it feels like. He makes me feel complete. When I’m with him, there’s no one I’d rather be with, and nothing I’d rather be doing. Even if we’re just sitting in my cabin talking, I’m perfectly content.”
“So how do we get him to stay? Because I don’t want him to leave and have you want to follow him. We need you here.”
Izzy shrugged, trying not to reveal the stress that question raised. “He has commitments he can’t get out of right now, and he’ll actually be going out of state for a while. So I’ll be here indefinitely, don’t worry.”
“And you’re not going to follow him back to Minneapolis when he gets done?”
“No. At least not anytime in the foreseeable future. I’m just going to enjoy him while he’s here, then hope we can make the long distance thing work until he’s free to do what he wants.”
“Which will definitely include you,” Andi said confidently. “How could it not? You’re not the only lucky one here, after all. I’m sure Tanner has fallen just as hard as you have. If he hasn’t, he’s not as smart as you seem to think.”
Izzy gripped her handlebars a little harder. Was that true? Had he fallen as hard as her? She badly wanted that to be the case, because anything less didn’t bode well for surviving the separation facing them.
She tried to sound nonchalant when she responded. “I’m not sure he’s as far gone as I am, but I’m counting on having a few more weeks with him to cement our relationship. After that, we’ll decide whether to try to keep things going. It won’t be easy, but I already know I’m willing to give it everything I’ve got.”
Andi gave her a sideways look and wiggled her brows. “Have you admitted you’re in love with him yet?”
“No, because I’m not,” Izzy protested automatically.
“No?” Andi asked skeptically.
“No.”
“Can you look me in the eye and say that?”
“No, but only because we’re riding bikes and that would be dangerous,” Izzy joked. When her friend uttered a disbelieving snort, Izzy gave her a sheepish smile. “Okay, so maybe I am, but I’m embarrassed to say it out loud. It seems kinda crazy to feel this strongly about him when we’ve only know each other a couple of weeks.”
