Helena blinked back tears she hadn’t even known she still possessed, before her eyes slid closed completely.
“Brandy…” It took everything in her – from the strength she thought she’d lost over the past week to the last vestiges of her stubborn pride, not to beg Brandy for information on her brother. Helena knew she’d hurt him, but was he alright? Was he still moving full throttle into his upcoming merger?
Then, there were more selfish things she wanted to know. Did he miss her? Had he already managed to get over their terrible falling out and move on with his life? “Brandy, I’m sorry.” Helena took a deep, shuddering breath. “I should have congratulated you on your deciding to start a family, and I didn’t. I was wrapped up in my own terrible mess and I…I was a horrible friend. Not that any of that matters, now.” She bit her lip, pacing back and forth as the nervous energy in her body transferred to her stride. “I just wanted to apologize…to let you know that I didn’t mean any of it.”
There was a short pause on the other end of the line – and in that short span of time, Helena imagined Brandy staring at the phone in horrified disbelief. “Helena, you were pregnant! Why didn’t you tell me?”
The elder woman’s voice, instead of being accusatory, only held a tinge of grief. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like, keeping that inside!”
“I’m…I’m still pregnant.” It was the last thing she expected to say at that particular moment, but the words slipped from the young woman’s lips before she could stop them. A few minutes ago, she’d been high and mighty, convinced that she could try and raise the child herself, despite how much it terrified her. However, the moment she heard Brandy’s voice – heard it and registered the empathy there – she couldn’t keep quiet.”
“You’re…but Xavier said…” Brandy fumbled her words, and Helena could hear her sink down in a chair across the connection as she tried to come to terms with what she heard. “So, you’re keeping the baby?”
“I don’t know. I mean…I think I am.” Helena groaned, shaking her head as she buried her face in her free hand. “Yes, I am. Please, don’t tell Xavier.”
“Helena!” Shock was evident in the blonde’s voice. “You’re my friend and I adore you, but this is my brother’s baby we’re talking about! My niece or nephew!”
“I’m not asking you never to tell him!” Helena clarified quickly. “Just to…give me some time. I’m not going to keep the baby from him. There’s just a lot I need to think about.”
“I…I’m not making any promises, Helena. I can’t flat out lie to Xavier. All I can say is that I won’t bring it up in conversation.”
She supposed that was all she could rationally ask for. “Thank you, Brandy.”
There was another long silence on the other end of the line before the elder woman spoke again. “Helena, this isn’t really the end, is it? You and Xavier have had arguments in the past, and you always worked them out. That’s what makes you so compatible. You can both be a bit pig-headed, but-”
“I think…this is the end, Brandy. I don’t think this particular issue is something we can just kiss and make up over. This is…I mean…I don’t even know what this is. Only that I know I’ve lost him…and it’s all my fault.”
“Helena, don’t say that. It-”
“I have to go, Brandy.” With that, Helena hung up. She had to, before she got too choked up and let Brandy talk her into something ridiculous and futile, like trying to talk to Xavier about why she could never be the mother a child of theirs deserved.
She would just have to try her damndest not to fuck anything up too terribly. In spite of what her former lover thought, the last thing Helena Graves wanted was to be like her incarcerated mother.
She would not let Janette control her life any more than she already had – and she meant that, somehow, she would have to forget how much she had loved her child’s father, and try to love it instead.
That day was perhaps one of the longest of Helena’s life. She made her way through a long list of people she needed to call to make sure that they didn’t think that she’d dropped off the edge of the earth. She got in contact with the dean of her medical school, apologizing profusely for missing a few days. When she cited medical reasons, he, of course, requested a signed doctor’s note. The irony of such a thing when she was in medical school did not escape her; but it did necessitate a call into Susan’s office.
Miranda immediately handed the phone over to Dr. Forge, who admonished Helena no less sharply than if she’d been her own child and demanded to know where she’d been. Of course, explaining things to her at current wasn’t really an option, so Helena instead used the excuse of intense morning sickness that had gone beyond even the scope of her medication.
When Susan demanded to know why she hadn’t simply returned to the office and asked for a stronger dose, Helena supplied that she hadn’t wanted to bother the doctor, feeling guilty about the untruth even as it left her mouth. The only thing that got her the slightest bit of reprieve was a promise that she would be in the office bright and early the next day for observation and new meds – and also, to check on the baby.
The last request drove home the gravity of what was going to happen to her. Helena was going to be a mother, and the very thought was enough to make her entire body quiver with a strange mixture of terror and strange anticipation.
She must be out of her mind. Losing Xavier had affected her more powerfully than she’d imagined.
Helena left the hotel room at dusk, and a few hours later, she found herself in a room that she planned to rent for the week, a few blocks away from the office where she worked. She would use the time to find a new apartment, and begin re-learning how to live on her own. She’d done it once, she reasoned. There was no reason she couldn’t do it again.
She would do this. That singular phrase, repeated over and over in the forefront of her mind, and kept her from falling apart. As long as it remained her mantra, she didn’t have to remember the feel of Xavier’s strong, well-muscled arms around her, or his husky admissions of love in her ear. She could block out that alluring, devastating smile she knew so well. Even the way his hands moved over her shoulders powerfully – gently – in an attempt to soothe her when her stress was through the roof.
Those things, she forced herself to realize, were no longer hers. And the sooner she accepted the fact, the better.
She was in the office the next day, as Susan had ordered, looking as impeccable as she possibly could in the circumstances. Miranda’s gaze questioned her hollow-eyed sorrow every time she met the younger woman’s gaze, but the only information Helena readily provided was that she and Xavier had ended their relationship. How and why she kept to herself.
Even Dr. Forge raised a brow at the news, but she didn’t pry. Instead, she performed the examination she’d promised on Helena and proclaimed her and her unborn child the picture of health, issuing her more medication on the condition that she promised not to lose this batch. While the doctor then suggested that the young woman return home to rest, Helena refused. She couldn’t stand the thought of returning to her lonely room. She remained in the office and took Miranda’s place behind the desk until their afternoon appointment. With her hand protectively over her stomach as she tried not to let her thoughts overwhelm her.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
She started slightly when Miranda peeked over the desk from where she was tidying the waiting room. The redhead’s bright eyes were earnest and worried as she gazed down at Helena, and the dark-skinned woman knew she must look a horrible mess. She hadn’t had any proper sleep in days, she felt a little queasy even with her medicine, and she was fighting a constant mental battle that threatened to overcome her at any moment.
Helena managed a thin smile. “I’m alright, Miranda. I just need some time.” She rubbed her still-very-flat belly almost absently.
“If you say so. You know, we’re here for you Helena.” With that, she
returned to her task, bustling around the waiting room as she straightened cushions that children had knocked askew and made order of the toy corner. Helena was tempted – so sorely tempted- to pour out all of her troubles before Miranda. But that, she knew, would be selfish. The young woman wanted to help, but she truly had no idea what Helena was truly dealing with.
What was she supposed to tell her? That she’d lost her boyfriend because she didn’t think she could love their baby? She was sure that would pretty heavily endear her to the redhead – while simultaneously proclaiming her absolutely insane.
At that precise moment, the door opened, and Helena raised her head in surprise. They weren’t supposed to have their next appointment until two in the afternoon and it was barely one.
It wasn’t, however, a parent with a sickly child that entered, but a tall, broad-shouldered male figure. So broad were his shoulders, in fact, that he nearly had to turn sideways to get into the doorway. When he raised his head to look around the office, his eyes caught Helena’s gaze from his lofty height and she froze in place.
Those eyes were a piercing, vibrant green that, for some ungodly reason, unsettled her. The young woman fought not to squirm in her seat as she met the newcomers gaze and held it. For the second time in as many minutes, she realized how massive the man was. He had to be at least six and a half feet tall, with deep brown hair clipped close to his head. He was handsome in a rugged kind of way, she supposed, all massive muscle and stern features – and those goddamn unsettling eyes.
They were a predator’s eyes, she realized; though she had no earthly clue how she could possibly know such a thing.
Clearing her throat, Helena quickly broke eye contact, her cheeks coloring slightly. “How may I help you, sir?”
“Oh, man, Elliot.” Surprised at Miranda’s familiar tone, Helena turned to see the girl approach the man from across the room, a wide smile spreading across her face. “I forgot that you haven’t met Helena yet!”
Hadn’t…met him?
“There you are, Elliot.” Susan made a brisk entrance from her hallway down the office, her expression satisfied as she took in the man in the waiting room. “Nice of you to decide to come in.”
The man – Elliot, Helena supposed – smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head guiltily, and all at once, those menacing eyes of his softened. Within minutes, Helena wondered if she’d ever seen any threat there at all.
“My apologies for being late, Susan. Had to wait for the plumber to arrive to fix the issue at my apartment.” His gaze flickered to Helena behind the desk once more. “This must be the great and powerful Helena.” He stepped forward, extending a large hand for her to shake. “I’m Elliot Cauldwell.” The young woman noticed, for the first time, that his voice was tinged with the slightest hint of a British accent – as if he were long removed from the place where he’d been born. “Another intern.”
“It’s…a pleasure to meet you.” She recovered from the strength of his grip quickly and made sure she sounded cordial instead of half-dead.
“I assure you, the pleasure is all mine. These two can’t seem to stop singing your praises.” How could she have believed this man was dangerous? He was currently eyeing her, a woman half his size, his eyes gleaming with excitement as he spoke. “You’re second in your class at the Thomas Medical Institute…I watched a surgery you attended to about a week ago and you were brilliant.”
Helena found her face flaming. She was still only a student! Why would he want to watch one of her surgery sessions! She’d only been following a much more experienced doctor to the T – and not very well, at that. “I…well…that’s very kind of you, but I’m nothing amazing.”
“Are you kidding?” Despite his massive height, the man was almost child-like in his excitement. “We watched the surgery attending for both the first and second ranked students, and I actually much preferred yours to his…and you’re much easier on the eyes, as well.” The last part was added almost bashfully, making Helena’s eyes widen.
Susan laughed at her reaction, taking Elliot’s arm to drag him back towards the hallway. “Alright, Elliot, that’s enough. No need to crowd her.” Even the taller woman was dwarfed by their newest intern, who seemed to be following her more of her own accord than of his. Helena got the inkling that if Elliot hadn’t wanted to move, nothing would be able to make him. As Susan ushered him down the hall, she fixed Helena with an exasperated smile. “Look at that. Not even a full MD and you’re already famous. That should tell you something.”
Helena couldn’t help the soft laugh that escaped her. What it told her was that Elliot was a little too overenthusiastic. He appeared to be older than her, but that didn’t stop him from thinking that she was made to be a doctor.
It was…flattering, certainly – if a little creepy.
As Susan disappeared down the hall with the immense man, Miranda peeked over the desk once more with a delighted smile. “Absolute hottie, right?”
At the comment, Helena merely shook her head in exasperation with a small smile. It did, after all, feel good to smile after one of the darkest weeks in her life.
Christ, she couldn’t even remember what it was like to be young and carefree. Had she ever had a stage like that in her life? Helena had spent her entire existence grasping for the next big thing. There had been precious little time, really, for her to explore her own femininity and sexuality.
It had been lucky for her that she’d found Xavier when she had – or rather, he’d found her. The man was tall, dark, handsome, forthright…an absolute demon in bed…Helena’s train of thought brought with it a tidal wave of longing that was close to physical pain and she expelled a breath, her eyes sliding closed as Miranda’s smile faded.
“Oh, Jesus, Helena. I’m sorry. Too soon.”
“It’s fine.” The dark-skinned woman’s unique gray eyes opened again quickly as she hurried to reassure her coworker. “I’m fine…or I will be…eventually.”
For a moment, Miranda just stared down at the woman seated behind the desk that separated them. Then, without a word, she rounded it to wrap her arms around Helena in a warm and unexpected embrace.
The gray-eyed woman’s eyes widened a moment before she let herself lean into Miranda’s arms, inhaling the flowery scent of her perfume. It seemed like an eternity since anyone had hugged her, and even though Helena knew that it was just a small, singular gesture, at that moment, it meant the world to her.
**
The beginning stages in the merger had gone off without a hitch. A huge amount of money had passed hands, new warehouses were being built, and Xavier had met with more technology bigwigs in the past two weeks than he had in his entire life. It was an awe-inspiring, humbling experience.
It was also incredibly lonely.
Though his days were packed with running around to try and meet all his deadlines –in addition to squeezing in some of the hands-on time he loved – eventually, he always had to go home to the immense house he’d bought with plans of starting a family.
Xavier still had the house, but no family.
Now that a month had passed since Helena had gone, he began to wonder more and more if he’d ever have one.
Four long, solitary weeks. In that time he hadn’t heard a peep from the woman he loved. The thought made Xavier groan as he drew his hands down over his face helplessly.
He did still love her. It wasn’t something he could be rid of as easily as that and, moreover, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be.
For almost five years, Helena had been his everything. She’d proven to him that what really mattered in a relationship wasn’t money or sexual compatibility, but support and loyalty. She wasn’t the easiest woman to love, but she was worth it. More than worth it.
Or…so he had believed.
Xavier didn’t really know what to think anymore. He’d thought that he could change Helena – which he knew wasn’t the proper way to go into a relationship, but she was special. It was in Helena�
�s best interest to change the way she thought and felt about her family and herself. Her feelings on the subject could be just as toxic as her past, and he hated the idea of losing her to her own grief and fear.
When they were together, he reveled in making her forget where she had come from, and all she’d been told she couldn’t do – just as she believed that his parents were monumental idiots for not seeing his potential. Now that they were apart, he found himself struggling through routines that used to be mindless. It seemed like Helena’s scent, her clothes, her possessions were everywhere, and he couldn’t escape.
He wanted to box up some of her things – to purify the space – but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even knowing that she had gotten rid of the child they’d created wasn’t enough to make him give her up.
Or, at least, the memory of her.
He clung to it like it was his lifeline, refusing to let go of the good times that had carried them through the last five years. While Xavier knew, in reality, that he should be letting it fade – along with the pain of their unborn child – he simply couldn’t pluck Helena from his mind like that.
She was far too deeply entrenched for that.
Instead, he tried to busy his time with distractions. Even when he was forced to be at home, he called into the office and asked to be let in on every detail about the current merger. He took apart and rebuilt his own home computer with modifications several times before he tired of seeing the same parts over and over. He spoke on the phone with Brandy until she was tired of hearing the sound of his voice and demanded that he go out and find something to do with himself.
He watched enough mindless reruns on TV to make him want to destroy the damned thing, and read until literature practically flowed from his ears.
And yet, nothing helped. No matter what he did, Xavier couldn’t get over the all-encompassing notion that he’d failed, horribly. He’d failed Helena, for not being able to carry her through how she felt about having her own family; and he’d failed himself, for lacking the wherewithal to realize that some things just couldn’t be fixed.
A Kiss of Color: A BWWM Interracial Pregnancy Romance (Book 2) Page 8
