It would, unfortunately, be a long time before Helena was ready for that kind of attention again – if ever. She owed her child every bit of her devotion and, now, she wondered if that meant that she would never take another lover.
Or even if she wanted to.
She honestly didn’t know if she could. Xavier had claimed her so thoroughly…so completely…
Damn.
Really not the appropriate time to think about these things.
Biting her lip, Helena swallowed her arousal and tried to get back to work, going over files for the next day’s appointments. She would be home in a few hours and then, she could…take care of her problem. Until then, she was just going to have to deal with being uncomfortable.
She left the office late that night, tired and craving something ridiculous. In the small amount of spare time she could find, she’d begun reading up on the changes pregnancy made to the body and found that her cravings weren’t so terribly strange. Ice cream, sausage, pickles…it seemed like every time she went to the grocery store, it was a new adventure.
As she reached her car and began to unlock it, a low, unexpected tone made her jump.
“Hey, Helena.”
The young woman turned on her heel, stumbling and nearly falling before a pair of strong arms caught her, steadying her.
It was Elliot. She might have guessed – but even so, the realization made her jerk away from him in surprise. The man had left the office a good two hours ago at the end of his shift. Did that mean that he’d…come back? Or even more intimidating, waited two hours for her to finish? She didn’t know which idea disturbed her more – or why she was so damn scared of the man. He’d never made any move to hurt her. Xavier was also a good deal bigger than her and she’d never been so frightened of him.
“Elliot? What are you doing here?” She gazed up at him warily. The dusky shadows of the evening had thrown his face into sharp relief; and, Helena realized, given his already frightening features a sharper edge.
“Well, I stayed in the neighborhood for a drink or two after work and decided to come back and check on you – just to make sure that you got to your car alright.”
While his tone seemed sincere, the very fact that he had memorized her schedule was, at the very least, a little disturbing. “I’m fine, Elliot. Thanks for checking on me.” She tried to inject as much genuine appreciation as she could into her words. Helena wasn’t quite sure what would happen if she did anything else.
“You sure you don’t need me to follow you home? I know men here can be…a little bit pushy.”
Like he was being?
“I’m fine, Elliot. Thanks.” Helena was tense as she slid into the driver’s seat, adjusting her round stomach behind the wheel. A part of her was pleased that Xavier’s baby, for all intents and purposes, seemed to be growing just as large as his father. Other times, she simply cursed her shrinking clothes and expanding waistline.
The young woman struggled to keep her smile enthusiastic as Elliot rounded to her side of the car. His own grin had turned into something a bit more intimidating as he took hold of the driver’s side door to close it. “You know, Helena,” He murmured, before leaning in slightly to address her. “I’ll always keep you safe. You never have to worry when you’re around me.”
A small shiver passed down the woman’s spine as Elliot slowly closed the door, enclosing her in the small space of her car. As he backed away, his gaze remained on hers – right up until the point that Helena stared straight ahead, pulling out of the parking lot and into the street.
As she drove away, she tried to shake the shivers her co-worker had given her. Who told people things like that? That she would always be safe with him…Why the hell would she ever, rationally, think she wasn’t? Miranda had told her that perhaps his comments had something to do with men being naturally inclined to protect pregnant women, even if the baby wasn’t theirs. This, of course, she managed in between lamenting that Elliot wasn’t paying her more attention. In Helena’s book, if the young woman wanted more of Elliot’s particular brand of attention, she was welcome to it. The big man was far too interested in her herself – while she still clung to the idea of the lover she had lost like a lifeline.
Once Helena walked into her modest two bedroom apartment and dropped her keys on the counter, she collapsed with a sigh onto one of the sofas, careful of her slightly swollen stomach.
At times, the acute pain that Xavier’s memories brought with him still carried the threat of tears. Even now, five months along, having never heard from the man in the wake of their fight, and afraid to answer Brandy’s phone calls, she found herself in a weird kind of limbo. On the one hand, she thought it would be best if she could just forget Xavier altogether.
Her rational brain, however, mocked the stupidity of the notion. Xavier had taught her more about herself than she’d ever known. He’d been the first man to make love to her, to accept her despite the past that had almost ruined her, and to love her, even though she’d been scared she might never love him back.
He was the most beautiful man she’d ever met, inside and out, and when push came to shove, she wasn’t sure that she could ever give up that notion. It was too easy to close her eyes and imagine him coming home to her – kissing her so hotly that she forgot her own name…and, increasingly, now, she found herself imagining what he would be like as a father to their child.
During the first few weeks of her pregnancy, the young woman told herself that she would tell Xavier about the baby before it was born. She knew how much she’d hurt him with her then-resolute decision to abort it, and he deserved as much right to their child as she did. As her stomach grew more and more round, however, Helena knew that it wouldn’t be as easy as that.
She couldn’t just tell Xavier that he had a child and then expect him to be happy with half custody. The man would be a wonderful father, she knew, and she didn’t want to deny him anything. The fact that she could imagine him here and now, with his ear to her stomach and a grand smile, should speak enough to that fact. Where she once could never have imagined having a child at all, she now couldn’t picture denying that child its father.
Xavier would be angry with her, she knew, for not being honest about her plans for the baby. She would have to figure out how to handle that in due time. For the moment, she was just preoccupied with staying on top of her classwork up until the time that she was due. She’d already put in for maternity leave and been approved, so hopefully, she would have absorbed enough that whizzing through her surgical trial examinations when she returned wouldn’t be a problem. Susan seemed confident enough in her abilities. Her mentor had even urged her to take her exams early just to get them out of the way, but she didn’t want to rush anything.
Not knowing, when her hormones seemed to be on the fritz and the slightest thing could set her off. For the first time, her own mortality was very present. After all, it wasn’t only herself she was taking care of.
It was her unborn child – Xavier’s child- as well.
**
It had taken longer than he would have thought – to arrange the meeting that Emily had suggested. In the midst of his company’s restructuring, amidst his trying to come to terms with the tentative movers who came to pack Helena’s things and speaking to his sisters as often as they would allow; he tried to come to terms with the idea that perhaps his parents didn’t want to speak with him as much as Emily had attested.
He’d sent messages to them several times, and called another few, only to be told that they – his parents – weren’t available. He’d told Emily and Brandy both about his dilemma, and while his older sister had no viable advice for him, Emily cautioned him to wait. They, she attested, were just as nervous as he was – though he found that exceedingly hard to believe.
His parents, who had ruled over him his entire life, were nervous to speak with him? Wasn’t it they who had always had the upper hand – they who had always dangled their support before him like it
was something to be earned and not implicit?
But now, none of that mattered – because that afternoon, he was scheduled to speak with them via Skype. In his now woefully empty house, where he wondered if he was ever going to be able to forget the woman who had once filled the void in his chest.
Though the majority of her things were gone, he could lie down in the bed he used to share with her and still catch the briefest whiff of her scent. He could remember the softness of her body against his and drawing her close to feel her breath against his chest. He remembered how her lips would purse together when she was angry, how she would huff at him and those decadent hips of hers would cock in stubbornness.
How she felt around him when he slid into her.
Lowly, Xavier groaned, trying to quell the raging desire that sprang to life low in his belly. It had only been a couple of months, but it felt like an eternity since he’d held her in his arms. In the time they’d been apart, he’d almost come to hope that the all-encompassing want he held for her could, perhaps, be transferred to another object of his lust.
But there was no one else…and perhaps there never would be.
He could never bring himself to seek out other women – to even go near them. It felt too much like he was betraying her –and all they had stood for together.
He had loved her…still loved her…and yet she wouldn’t have his child. Couldn’t have his child. Was he so terrible for being destroyed by that?
As the thoughts whirled around and around his head, the low tones of Skype drifted across the house to him and his stomach tightened in apprehension. Sitting up on the bed, he attempted to roll the tension out of his shoulders before taking a deep breath, and forcing thoughts of Helena and the child that would never be to the back of his mind.
When he sat down at the computer, his heart was pounding. He knew that they didn’t deserve to have this power over him – and that giving it to them was as much as letting them win. But Emily had led him to believe that, perhaps, they weren’t as preoccupied with this power anymore…perhaps they wanted to make amends.
Somehow, he found that hard to believe.
Even so, Xavier pressed the accept button. When Garret Thompson’s face appeared before him, he was momentarily rendered speechless. Up until that very moment, he hadn’t been sure that his parents would follow through – and he certainly hadn’t expected to see his father staring at him.
The elder man broke the long silence between them. “Hello, son.”
Xavier remained quiet for a moment more. He wasn’t exactly certain what he should say. “Emily told me you wanted to speak to me.’
He didn’t feel in a giving mood, currently. As marvelously as his professional life was going – pretty much the living embodiment of how he’d defied his parents’ disdain – his personal life was in shambles – and he was pretty certain his father knew it.
“Yes. Well, Xavier…I suppose,” His father hesitated briefly before continuing, as if the words themselves weighed heavily on him. “The first thing I want to say to you is congratulations. I’ve been watching the development of your company for the past few years, and I have to admit…I’m proud of you.”
Xavier jolted inwardly, even as his face was a mask of impassiveness.
Proud of him.
He couldn’t recall ever hearing those words from his parents – not in all of his thirty three years. “You’ve definitely made a name of yourself, despite the mistake we made in turning you away for your choices…and in that, we were at fault.”
Xavier couldn’t help the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes at that particular comment. It was almost as if he were dreaming. His father, Garret Thompson, the man of standing decisions and teaching lessons, was telling him that he had made a mistake.
“Why the sudden apology, Dad?” He inquired mildly, attempting to hide the emotion in his low baritone. “Why now?”
Garret sighed, and for a moment, Xavier believed that he saw true remorse in his father’s eye – something he’d dreamed of his entire life and never been granted the pleasure of actually witnessing.
However, as much as he might have believed that his father was in the mind for making amends, the man’s next words literally turned Xavier’s world upside down. “I need to come to terms with this, Xavier, both for you and your child. My grandchild.”
Xavier’s mouth worked for a moment as a plethora of emotions rolled over him. Regret, anger, nervousness, complete confusion. Exactly how much had Brandy told their parents? How much hadn’t she told them?
Either way, it seemed that his father believed there was going to be a baby. Xavier took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure as he stared his father down, swallowing thickly. “Dad, there’s no baby. She…Helena…” He trailed off, his mouth pulling into a tight line.
Garret took a moment to watch the shift in his son’s facial features, and for a moment, Xavier was acutely aware of the man watching him….judging him? He’d long learned that the best policy was to hide his feelings from his parents. It was a lot easier than trying to explain to them something they didn’t understand.
“Xavier.” Garret’s voice was low, almost soothing, when he spoke again. “You’re going to have a son. The pregnancy wasn’t terminated.”
Xavier stared at the man as if he’d grown an extra head.
What the hell was he talking about? How on earth would his father know anything about that, and why would he choose, of all things, a subject like this with which to torture his only son. Lowering his head into a hand, Xavier pressed at the bridge of his nose, massaging the headache that was beginning there.
“Dad…I don’t need this right now.”
“You’re right.” Garret Thompson’s voice still came loud and clear through the speakers, even if Xavier wasn’t looking at him. “You need your son. Just like we need our grandson…and Xavier, she’s going to try to take him from you.”
At those words, the young man’s head jerked up as anger filled his heart. Angry words were on the tip of his tongue the instant before his eyes fell on the image his father held up to the camera. The photo was blurry – obviously taken secretly – but there was no mistaking things. Helena was in the picture, her hands cupped to a round, very pregnant belly.
**
This was…uncomfortable, to say the least.
As proud as she was about the size of her baby, Helena had reached a point – only six months into her pregnancy – when it was hard for her to get around. Getting behind her office desk at work and even sitting in the few classes that required her presence seemed like a chore these days.
Susan assured her that everything was alright – that she was merely carrying a little high and her son was going to be a strong, healthy boy – a notion that almost made everything worth it. The constant pressure on her bladder, the way she waddled around like a massive duck and everyone raced to help her across a room as if they were afraid that she was going to pop at any moment.
And she was only in month six.
Helena tried to detract from her discomfort by talking to the restless child within her. Every night, no matter how exhausted she was from work and studying, she would lay back in bed, stroking a hand over her belly as she whispered to her son. She told him about his father – about how infuriatingly stubborn and amazingly intelligent he was. How he had found her at a time in her life when she might have done something idiotic without him. She murmured lowly as she stroked her belly, letting all the good times she’d had with the man she still loved flow from her lips.
It was somehow comforting, to let herself hear the tales almost as if someone else was telling them. The further her pregnancy advanced, the closer Helena knew she drew to a time when she would have to face Xavier. She herself had been so uncertain about things for so long…Now, she supposed all that mattered was that he got to be a part of the child’s life, which she couldn’t even begin to deny him.
The baby hadn’t even been born yet, and,
already, she knew he would be the spitting image of his father: absolutely beautiful.
She often fell asleep with a smile on her face; knowing that, even if she wouldn’t be the best mother, her son would at least have a loving, attentive father.
Her own hang-ups, she’d noticed, had taken a back seat to the needs of her unborn child. It was a phenomena that, like many other changes during pregnancy, Helena found she accepted with little or no question.
A phenomena that, like its predecessors, made her wonder why her mother hadn’t been able to love her like she loved the life budding inside her.
For the next few weeks, Helena carried about her routine as it had come to be for her. She woke early every morning and managed to stay awake, not with the aid of Xavier’s raucous wakeup sex, but with a cup or two of strong coffee. She was careful with her intake, however, as Susan warned her that caffeine might hurt the baby.
Once she was awake enough to get through her day, she made her way to morning classes, which included her surgical trials on Saturday. As well as she’d done with her first few months, she now found herself sitting back and observing every other week, as her belly prevented her more and more from actually working. Helena used the time to absorb more and more information, and as she’d always been an excellent student, she was soon passing tests with her eyes closed.
Susan more and more let her tend to the patients that she could, taking time to relax in her office and pretty much giving Helena the run of things. Her added confidence was enough to give Helena the strength she needed to answer curious children’s questions about when her own baby was going to be born.
Their eager faces and expectant grins made her remember exactly why she wanted to be a pediatrician – and reminded her that she would soon have her own tiny tangle of arms and legs to deal with.
A Kiss of Color: A BWWM Interracial Pregnancy Romance (Book 2) Page 10
