by KA Sterritt
I could hear the sarcasm dripping off his last comment.
He strode towards the door, dragging me behind him. I managed to glance back and mouth a rushed goodbye.
We sat in the car in silence for a long time. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I spoke quietly. “Do you want to go home? I can just call the guys and tell them something came up.”
He didn’t look at me, but he nodded his head a fraction.
I called Audrey, then used Ryan’s phone to call Toby. There was no way Ryan could be social right now.
We drove in silence all the way back to my apartment. I wasn’t sure what he needed from me – if he needed anything at all.
“Do you want to come up?” I asked, when he didn’t make a move to get out of the car.
“I need some time to think, Holly.” He looked at me and I was shocked by the hurt in his eyes. He was crushed. “I’d like to be alone.” He turned his gaze back to the windscreen.
“Okay. Whatever you need. I presume we won’t be going to the function tonight?”
“No. I need to go. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”
“I’ll come.” I reached over and kissed his cheek. He flinched at my touch. “See you later, then.” As I started opening the door, he grabbed my arm.
“Wait. I’m sorry about all of this, Holly. I’ll pick you up at seven okay?”
“Don’t be sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but I know how consuming grief can be.” I kissed him again, on the lips this time. He returned my kiss briefly, then squeezed his eyes shut and pulled back.
“I’ll see you later.”
As I watched him roar off, it occurred to me that I’d never really pushed him to explain why he was so averse to serious relationships. Today’s drama would no doubt be the last nail in the coffin for him. I guess we were both as screwed up as each other.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“You look stunning,” Ryan said as I walked out of my apartment building.
I had put Audrey in charge of my outfit and judging by Ryan’s lustful stare, she had met the brief. She had talked me into a short, black, satin dress with shoestring straps and silver detailing. It was sexy, yet elegant. I knew Ryan would love it. She had also insisted I complete the outfit with her silver, strappy Jimmy Choos. I left my hair out and wore a little more makeup than usual. Ryan was hurting and I didn’t know how to help him. But I did know how to distract him.
“You don’t look so bad yourself,” I replied as I approached.
“Let’s just skip the drinks and head back to my place.” He kissed me with an urgency that I suspected had more to do with today’s events than with me.
“I’m all dressed up now, and you did say it was important.”
“You’re right,” he groaned. “Let’s go.”
The drinks were at an upmarket bar at the King Street Wharf. It was a beautiful evening, and it should have been a great night. Unfortunately, Ryan was beyond tense and our usually easy conversation was stilted and awkward.
“So which construction company did you say it was?” I asked, as we were about to enter the bar.
“Tresswells.”
I stopped in my tracks. Sam. Bloody hell.
“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked when I didn’t move.
“Oh. Nothing. My shoes are hurting.” I didn’t want to go in, but I couldn’t just stand outside.
“Come on.” He took my hand and led me towards the door. “I’ll find you a seat or a bar stool, okay?”
We walked in and I glanced around nervously. No Sam. Maybe I was worrying for no reason. I just didn’t want to upset Ryan any more when he was already fragile.
As Ryan headed for the bar, I perched on a bar stool with my back to the front door, scanning the room. “Here you go.” Ryan handed me a glass of champagne.
“Thanks. I’m okay here if you need to go do your thing.”
“Okay. There are a few people I need to talk to. I won’t leave you for long. Come and join me if you want.”
I grabbed him by the tie and kissed him. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I couldn’t wait to get out of there so we could be alone.
I let go of his tie and he sauntered off towards a group of executives. I watched him transform into a powerful businessman. Hours earlier, I’d witnessed this same man, crushed and vulnerable. It hurt to remember the look in his eyes when he’d realised what was going on.
“Holly?”
My body went cold. I swivelled around to come face to face with Sam.
“Sam. Hi. Good to see you again,” I lied through gritted teeth, glancing over at Ryan. Sam really needed to disappear before he returned.
“Don’t stress, Holly.” Sam’s eyes took in my dress. “I didn’t realise you’d be here.” He cocked his head towards Ryan, who was still talking to the Tresswell execs. “Still got a boyfriend, I see.”
“Um… Yes… I guess I do.” Ryan and I could no longer pretend our relationship was casual and I certainly didn’t want to lead Sam on in any way.
“You guess you do?” Sam asked, smirking. Sipping his beer, he appeared to enjoy watching me squirm as he took a step towards me.
I needed to get rid of him before Ryan saw us together.
“Look, Sam.” I placed my hand on his chest and pushed gently to keep him from coming any closer. “I can’t talk to you right now, okay?”
I sensed Ryan’s presence behind me and I took a couple of quick gulps of my champagne. It helped a little.
“You okay?” he asked me, completely ignoring Sam.
I nodded as Sam took a step back.
“I can’t be here right now.” His whispered voice was cold and foreign. “I’m going home.”
I jumped down from my stool. “Okay, let’s go.”
“You sure you don’t want to stay here with your fuck buddy?”
Ouch!
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that to me.” I grabbed his hand. “Let’s get out of here.”
“You know where I live, Holly,” Sam said, snidely.
Ryan snapped around to face him. “You keep your hands off her. Do you understand me?”
“Fuck off, Ryan.”
My eyes flicked to Ryan. The look of sheer rage on his face was confronting. With clenched fists, he moved in front of me, blocking my view of Sam.
“It’s not worth it, babe,” I said, grabbing his arm. “Let’s go.”
Ryan’s whole body was tense. Sam looked nervous but stood his ground. They faced off, neither one moving.
Stepping between them, I pushed gently on Ryan’s chest. “Don’t make a scene in front of everyone. Let’s go outside.”
Ryan’s shoulders dropped and he ran his hands through his hair. Without saying a word, he turned and started walking towards the exit. I glared at Sam then followed after him.
We walked in silence onto the edge of the boardwalk. A ferry was coming into the dock to our left, and I felt a pang of envy watching the carefree tourists jostling to get off.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Holly.” His hands went through his hair again. “I’m living my own private hell and you’re in there flirting. Maybe he can be my replacement while I’m in London.” His voice had that same cold tone.
I started walking away from him. He had no right to talk to me that way. Then I remembered the hurt in his eyes earlier that day, and I turned back.
“What do you want me to say?” Tears welled in my eyes.
“I love you, Holly.” He said it so quietly, I wasn’t even sure I’d heard him correctly.
“What?” I took a step closer.
He looked at me and shrugged. “I love you, and I know you love me too.”
It may have been the glass of bubbles I drank too quickly, but I felt a heady mix of nausea and elation.
“What happened to our ‘perfect casual arrangement’?” I asked, a little sarcastically. I took another step, until I was standing just out of reach
.
“I think we both know it’s always been more than that.” He looked at me and his usually warm, sapphire eyes appeared more like coal. “The problem is, I just don’t think it’s enough. I tell you I love you and you deflect. Last night when I told you I was leaving, you joked about replacing me.” He attempted a smile, but it didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. “We’ll just end up hurting each other.”
I felt like he’d stabbed me through the heart. Despite knowing we had an expiry date, the reality hurt so much more than I could have anticipated.
I stood up straight and pushed my shoulders back. “I don’t understand where that leaves us?” I didn’t even try to hold back the tears that rolled freely down my cheeks.
Instead of wiping them away, he turned and stared out at the water. Boats of all shapes and sizes dotted the view. “I leave tomorrow, so we’ll have some space from each other for a while. Perhaps that’ll help.”
“This feels a lot like an ending.” I could barely speak through the enormous lump in my throat.
He turned back and cupped my face in his hands. “We need to let each other go. I can’t deal with this now. I thought I could. But seeing you with Sam –” He shuddered. “Seeing you with Sam after what happened today with my mum? Well, let’s just say I’m a bit fucked up right now, and that just pushed me over the edge.”
“Let’s just make it a clean break then.” I felt my walls re-forming. “This is all I can ever be.”
“Jesus Christ, Holly. Are you serious? I’m not going to give up on us. If I can clear my head and reconcile this shit with my parents, if you can sort out your aversion to relationships, perhaps I can win you back one day.”
“I’m not some trophy.” I barely knew what I was saying through my foggy haze. “Being with me is not winning.”
He held my hands. “I realise you’re not a trophy. I’ve never seen you like that and I’ve certainly never treated you like that. It’s just the wrong time for us.”
Every atom of my body wanted to give myself to this man completely. I had no idea what was enabling me to stand strong and not beg him to reconsider. He looked at me with such intensity I had to break eye contact for fear of disintegrating into a pool of tears.
I knew about grief and I knew about pain. This inevitable ending to our attempted relationship cut a new wound in my already broken heart.
“Can we spend tonight together?” I asked. I wasn’t going to beg, but I needed closure. I needed to feel completed by him one last time.
Ryan nodded without meeting my eyes. While he went inside to say his goodbyes, I remained where I was. There was no way I was going to risk seeing Sam again.
We returned to my apartment in silence. Neither of us knew what to say. It was devastating.
Thankfully, Audrey and Zara were out. We went straight to my bedroom and undressed quietly. We had spent so many nights together, but this felt completely different. Perhaps, knowing it was the last time, we didn’t want to rush it.
We climbed into bed, but made no move to touch each other.
Ryan spoke first. He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. “We need to save ourselves from our own demons. We both have a lot to work through if we have any chance of a future down the track.”
Tears were running freely down my face as I looked at this sweet, beautiful man. Ryan pulled me to him and as we lay on the bed, skin to skin, gazing at each other, my heart broke just a little bit more as I considered what might have been. I needed to make him understand so he could let me go.
“I can’t save myself from something I have no control over.” I paused to make sure he was taking my words in. “I can only control who is affected. I’m a ticking time bomb and anyone who gets close will be collateral damage.” I paused again to allow him to process what I was saying. I couldn’t resist touching his face. “You have no idea what my family has gone through. I know you are in hell at the moment, but I’ve been in hell for ten years. I don’t want a serious relationship because I’ve seen the destruction of a man. Of a family. I choose not to inflict that on anyone. That’s my choice.”
Ryan grabbed my hands and held them. “You can’t be serious.”
He needed to understand now that I was taking “one day” off the table. “I’m deadly serious. My mother died from the same thing that took her mother’s life at the same age. It’s in my DNA. This stops with me. I’ve made my choices and I can live with them. I was horribly selfish letting this go so far, but I just couldn’t stay away from you. It’s never been this hard to keep my distance. It will be easier when you’re in London.”
“You’re making a terrible mistake. You’re not selfish, you beautiful, crazy girl.” He stroked my hair and kissed me lightly on the lips. “You are selfless beyond comprehension. But I don’t accept it. You deserve to be happy, Holly. I hope one day I can be the one to make you happy.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “I can’t even think about you being with anyone else.”
“Can we not talk about this anymore?” I asked. “I’m exhausted. I want to spend tonight with you. I want to pretend this is uncomplicated. Can we do that for one more night?”
“Do me a favour?”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t go running to Sam or some other asshole until we’ve both had some time to think, okay? I want you to be mine. I do.”
“That’s the thing, Ryan. I’m not anybody’s… ever. I don’t want to belong to someone. My mum and dad belonged to each other and now Dad is forever damaged. You can’t imagine what it’s like to watch both your parents die.”
“What do you mean? Your dad’s still here.”
“He died the second she stopped breathing. I won’t do that to someone. I absolutely won’t do that to you. Nothing you say will change my mind. If you want me tonight, I’m yours. But tomorrow we need to let each other go.”
The look on Ryan’s face was heartbreaking. I could see the hopelessness of our situation dawn on his perfect features. Neither of us said another word. There was nothing left to say.
We made love with a passion I didn’t know I was capable of, allowing our bodies to convey the words that were too painful to speak. We spoke to each other through our kisses, through our caresses, through the joining of our bodies. As he kissed his way down my naked body, I heard his heart speaking the words I desperately wanted to hear.
When I felt his body relax and his breathing even out, I whispered the words I’d never been able to say. “I love you, Ryan.”
When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. The devastation pushed me into a dark hole. I wasn’t certain I could find my way out.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
“Holly. Can I come in?” I could hear Audrey whispering from outside my bedroom door. “It’s nearly lunchtime. Are you going to get up?”
“Come in,” I croaked. I had been crying for hours and felt groggy and hungover despite having only had one glass of champagne. I was emotionally drained. My defensive walls had been shattered beyond repair.
“Oh Hol, I’m so sorry.” She climbed onto my bed and enveloped me in a comforting hug. “Ryan called from the airport asking me to check on you. He didn’t tell me what happened, but I’m guessing it wasn’t good.” She let me go and sat cross-legged on my bed. “Tell me everything.”
“We ended it.” I started sobbing again as soon as I said it aloud. “It was a mutual decision. It’s for the best.”
“I don’t think you can convince yourself of that bullshit, so don’t bother trying to convince me, ‘cause I’m not buying.” She handed me a tissue. “I’m going to need more info.”
I tried to explain what had gone so wrong in such a short space of time. Recounting the scene at his parents’ apartment, then describing how we’d run into Sam, and our horrible conversation outside the bar, I felt nauseous. If we had just driven straight to Watson’s Bay yesterday for lunch instead of stopping, he’d still be going to London but we wouldn’t have ended things with such fin
ality. I knew we weren’t a forever deal. I knew it was going to end one way or another. I’d just hoped we could keep things as they were for a bit longer.
Love just wasn’t the right path for me. I loved my mum more than life itself and she was taken from me. Despite my best efforts to avoid it, I had fallen in love with Ryan, and now he was gone too.
“I’m done, Audrey. I’m going to wallow in self-pity for a while then I’m going to pick myself up. Breathe in. Breathe out. One foot in front of the other.” I looked her dead in the eyes. “I can get through this. This is what I do.”
“Look, Hol, can you do something for me?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“Go and see your dad before you shut yourself off completely again. Ask him how he’s doing.”
“Why would I do that?”
“You need to talk to him about your mother. You need to hear his side of the story. It’s way beyond freaking time.”
“What do you mean? I know his side of the story. Mum was the love of his life and she died. The end.”
“Just go and see him, Holly. I’m serious about this.”
***
The next morning I called Slater, who agreed to my request for a day off. There was no way I could face work or risk hearing Ryan’s name. I needed a day to compose myself.
Next, I called my dad and arranged to visit him later that morning.
Without giving it much thought, I drove the long way. It was a route I usually avoided because it went past the hospital where Mum died. I pulled over and stared at the foreboding brown building. If a building was a person, this one would be mean and sinister, imposing death and destruction on all in their path.
Zara’s words from the other night ran through my mind.
You are such an incredible pessimist.
Zara was right. I saw things with such certainty. Relationships are doomed, hospitals are places of death. I’m going to die young, and everyone around me will be collateral damage. No rainbows and butterflies here!
I put the car in drive and headed north up the highway with new determination.
***
