by KA Sterritt
“I also lost your mum that day, remember. I miss her too. But I also miss the old Holly.” A few tears slipped down her cheeks. “I can see that person coming back.”
“Jesus Christ,” Jason said, exhaling loudly.
“Okay, okay,” I stated firmly, smiling. “That’s the emotional part of the evening over. I’m sorry to be a downer on Christmas Eve. Now, can you lot please eat? I slaved over this.”
“That’s the complete opposite of a downer. You and Ryan are going to live happily ever after and have lots of super gorgeous babies,” Audrey said, wiping her eyes with her napkin.
“Oh, God. Steady on. Don’t go marrying me off just yet!”
“Hmmm, mmmm.” Audrey tried unsuccessfully to respond around a mouthful of gnocchi.
“So Ryan is still it for you?” Jason asked, a look of calm resignation on his face.
“I’m in love with him.” I said it out loud and I knew it was true. “He’s my same page person.”
Audrey and Zara beamed. Even Jason smiled. Our foursome was intact. I just needed to win back my man.
“So what’s the plan? Are you going to fly to London?” Zara asked.
“Ooh yes! A grand, romantic gesture!” Audrey exclaimed.
“Turns out I won’t have to. You know how I’ve been catching up with Ryan’s mum?”
They all nodded, their mouths full.
“Well, she’s invited me to her engagement party on New Year’s Eve. Ryan’s flying into Sydney on Boxing Day so I’m going to surprise him at the airport? That’s my grand plan.”
“Holy shit!” Zara chimed in. “That’s really romantic.”
We finished our meals, along with several bottles of wine. I felt a fire burning inside me – I knew this was the right path. From that point on, I was determined to be honest, brave and open with the people I loved.
***
I spent Christmas Day with my family at Dad’s new apartment at Balmoral Beach. Sophie, Dad’s girlfriend, also joined us. She was the one who had suggested that Dad see a counsellor. Fairly recently, he had asked her out to lunch, and things progressed from there. Sophie really seemed to make him happy, and I found it surprisingly painless seeing him with another woman. He deserved a second chance at love.
After lunch, we sat around the table on the balcony admiring the serene beauty of the unique harbour view.
“I could sleep for a week I’m so full,” April said, yawning.
“Me too,” I agreed.
“It might be the turkey you ate for lunch,” Jamie suggested. “It’s soporific.”
“What the hell does ‘soporific’ mean?” April asked.
“A drug or other substance that induces drowsiness or sleep,” Jamie replied matter of factly.
“What are you?” April laughed. “A walking dictionary?”
“I did an assignment on sleep therapies this year. I think I might like to be some kind of sleep analyst when I finish school.”
“Is that someone’s phone ringing?” Dad asked suddenly.
“Oh yes, that’s me. Sorry Jamie. I want to know more about this sleep stuff and what turkeys have to do with it. Sounds like gobbledegook to me. Get it? Turkey… Gobble?” I laughed to myself as I went inside to answer my phone. I didn’t look at the number before answering.
“Merry Christmas, Holly speaking.” I was still laughing at my silly turkey joke.
“Well, Merry Christmas to you too, Holly.”
Ryan.
“Oh … um … hi…” Silence
Suddenly I was wide awake. Shouldn’t he be on a plane? Perhaps he was at Singapore airport.
“I hope I haven’t interrupted your Christmas lunch.”
I closed my eyes as he spoke, enjoying the sound of his voice.
“Oh, no. We’ve finished. We were just sitting outside enjoying the view.”
“I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”
“Thank you. You too. How are you?”
“I’m good. Dad’s been here for a few weeks.”
“Oh, okay. How is your dad?”
I was hoping he would tell me himself about his dad’s reaction to the divorce and the upcoming engagement party.
“Dad’s fine.” He paused before continuing. “He just needed a holiday.”
“Fair enough.”
Pause
“Anyway, Holly, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.”
“You already did.”
“Oh.” Pause. “Sorry.” Pause. “Take care of yourself, Holly.” Silence.
He ended the call before I could say goodbye. I stared at my phone for several seconds. What the hell was that?
He hadn’t even mentioned his mother’s engagement party or that he would be in Sydney in less than twenty-four hours. Jessica would have told me if there had been a change of plans. I was more determined than ever to see him at the airport and find out where his head was at. It had been months since we’d last spoken. I needed to see him face to face. Unless something had changed for him, our unparalleled physical attraction would be hard to ignore. I was in a far better place than when we were last together. He was the only unknown quantity. But the fact that he called must mean he still thought of me.
When I returned to the balcony, April was dozing on one of the sun lounges. Jamie was still talking animatedly about her interest in sleep therapy. I spent the rest of the day enjoying the sunshine and the company of my beautiful family.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ryan’s flight was due in at six on Monday morning, so he probably wouldn’t be coming through the gate before seven. His mum had given me the details, and had promised to keep my surprise a secret. I got there early. Airports are one of my favourite places – they offer the ultimate people-watching opportunities. Everyone is coming or going, and my “imagine-their-life” game can be ramped up to include exotic and faraway places.
The arrivals lounge at an international airport is a place of high emotion, excitement and anticipation. Young children with their mums awaiting the return of their father after a long business trip. Grandparents waiting to see the grandchildren they only see once a year, if they’re lucky. Boyfriends waiting for their adventurous girlfriends to return from a girls’ trip to Bali, hoping their relationship is still on track – or that she’d at least be on the flight.
Despite my best efforts to remain focused, I couldn’t help imagining what would happen when Ryan walked through those gates. My imagination went a little overboard. I imagined him emerging, a little weary looking, pulling his suitcase behind him. Still the best-looking man I’d seen by far, the hundreds of other passengers would fade away as soon as he appeared. His dark blonde hair would be a bit mussed up from the long-haul flight. As he got closer, our eyes would meet and he’d stop, completely shocked. For a painful couple of minutes, which would most likely only be seconds, we would stare at each other. Then he’d smile. Closing my eyes, I sucked in a breath as the memory of his smile simultaneously allowed me to breathe again and left me breathless.
“Hi,” he’d mouth, without closing the distance.
I’d duck under the barrier and rush forward. When I reached him, he’d sweep me off my feet and kiss me with an urgency I knew had always been right there simmering below the surface, just waiting for the green light. My legs would instinctively wrap around his waist and I would kiss him back, matching his desperation heartbeat for heartbeat.
Shaking my head to clear the daydream that I hoped was about to become a reality, I glanced up at the arrivals gate. He had already passed through and was halfway down the walkway. He had stopped in his tracks. Our eyes locked and for a second, time stood still.
Then time went from standing still to racing at a hundred miles an hour. My vision expanded to the woman standing next to him. Her confused gaze alternated between Ryan and me.
He wasn’t travelling alone.
Maybe she’s just a work colleague.
Maybe not.
Wanting to ru
n, I felt betrayed by my jelly legs. Slowly, Ryan and the woman – who I already despised for no solid reason – walked towards me. My brain was screaming at my legs to sort themselves out in case they were needed. Again, no joy. It felt like my feet were bolted to the floor. If I’d tried to move, I would have fallen flat on my face.
“Hello,” said the woman. “Are you our ride?”
Is she fucking serious? Her pompous English accent and condescending tone snapped me out of my stupor.
“Err… No. Why would you think that?” I replied in a far more cutting tone than really necessary.
“Christ. Holly. Sorry,” Ryan interrupted. “What are you doing here?”
Think, Holly. For God’s sake. Think!
“Hello, Ryan.” I managed to sound borderline calm. “What a coincidence. I’m here to meet Audrey. She’s flying in from… Um… from…” Shit, think of one goddamn place in the world. Anywhere! “Adelaide.”
Phew!
“Oh really?” Ryan appeared puzzled. “Why are you at the international terminal?”
Shit.
“Oh. Right. I’m at the wrong place.” This was so freaking embarrassing. “I’d better run. Good to see you again, Ryan, and… sorry, I didn’t catch your name.” I tried to smile when I looked at the woman.
“Oh, sorry.” Ryan looked at the woman then back at me awkwardly. “Holly, this is Rachael. She works for Preston Finance. She’s here to view the progress of the Aqua Vue project.”
Okay, good. Work colleague.
“And for your mother’s engagement party.” Her smug tone made me want to punch her.
Maybe not.
“This is Holly Ashton,” Ryan continued. “She’s my architect for the project.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh wow. It really is a coincidence to see you here.” She didn’t believe it was a coincidence for a second. “Come on, babe. Can we get going?”
Babe? That one little word spoke volumes about their status. I felt like my heart was being ripped out.
“Nice to meet you, Rachael.” I shook hands with her. “I’d better go. Audrey will be wondering where I am.” My lie was even more embarrassing now.
I didn’t look at Ryan, I just turned on my heel and walked away, trying not to break into a flat-out run.
Chapter Thirty
“Thanks for meeting me, Holly.”
It had been five days since my mortifying airport experience. Ryan had called my phone a number of times. I ignored them all.
Jessica Davenport had called me yesterday asking if I’d meet her for a coffee in the botanical gardens café. She and I had forged an unlikely friendship over the last few months. I’d even been out to dinner with her and Jonathan a few times. She reminded me of my own mother. My friendship with her was how I imagined my relationship with my mum would have been. Jessica had called me the day Ryan had arrived with Rachael, to see if I was okay. Like me, she had been blindsided by Rachael’s presence.
“Does Ryan know you’re here with me?” I asked.
“No. I’ve only seen him once since he arrived. He came over for dinner two nights ago and was clearly miserable. He was smart enough not to bring Rachael. She’s a gold-digging bitch. Always was.”
“What do you mean, ‘always was’?”
“Rachael and Ryan dated for about a year in London. I met her a couple of times when I was over there visiting. I disliked her immensely.”
I freaking loved this woman!
“Oh! He mentioned a long-term relationship. He told me she wanted to take it to the next level, but it never felt right, so he broke it off.”
His words, which had meant so much to me at the time, came flooding back.
And now I know why nothing ever felt right. They weren’t you.
“He’s hurting, Holly. It’s my fault, and Daniel’s, for being such horrible role models for him growing up. We were always arguing.” She was silent for a few moments. “It’s no wonder he’s so against commitment.”
“Maybe Rachael is good for him. Maybe she’s what he needs right now.” I didn’t want to believe that, but he was with her. Not me.
“Look, I’ve found the love of my life now in Jonathan. I don’t want Ryan making the same mistakes I did. I’m begging you, please come to the party tomorrow night.”
“I can’t come to your engagement party, Jessica,” I stated firmly. “I’m really happy for you. I am. But I can’t face seeing him with Ra… with her.”
“You need to look at this from another angle.”
Now she was really speaking my language. Actually, she was speaking my mother’s language. Shit.
“What do you mean?” I asked tentatively.
“It’s New Year’s Eve tomorrow. We chose the date for our engagement party for a reason. It’s the end and the beginning in one night. I’m going to say goodbye to my first marriage and welcome in my new one. I’m starting afresh.”
Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn’t speak.
“You need to come to the party. You need to say goodbye to this year. It’s been life-changing for you in so many ways.” She reached across the table and held my hands. “I’m not your mother, Holly. But I care about you. I want you to welcome in the new year, with or without my son. I’m hopeful it will be with him, but if not, get some closure so you can move on with an open heart.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that, Jessica.”
“Please think about it. I’d really like you to be there.”
“Okay,” I conceded. “I’ll think about it.”
“Great!” She waved the waiter over for the bill. “Now let’s go and find you something incredible to wear. At the very least, you can knock him sideways.” She laughed, and I couldn’t help laughing too.
We spent hours at the shops. Jessica made me try on about a thousand dresses – she was even worse than Audrey. I loved every second of it.
“This is the one!” she exclaimed when I came out of the dressing room in a gorgeous red dress. “You are going to outshine every female on the island.”
“Oh God, I hope not!” I exclaimed. “No one should outshine the bride to be.”
“Oh please. I’m too old to be a bridezilla.”
Jessica looked absolutely incredible. She was tall and slim. Her dark blonde hair appeared to have silver highlights, rather than being grey. Her olive skin, whilst showing the inevitable signs of ageing, glowed. She was the poster girl for ageing gracefully. “I do really love this dress.” I smoothed my hands down the fitted gown. It had my favourite asymmetrical neckline. It hugged my body all the way to the floor, with a slit up the side – sexy, with a little mystery. Even I could admit the dress was made for me.
“Well, that’s settled then. This is the dress you’ll wear. Rachael will disappear into the background and Ryan won’t stand a chance.”
“I still haven’t decided whether I’m even coming.”
“You’ll be there.”
Chapter Thirty-One
New Year’s Eve
“Why aren’t you dressed?” Audrey asked. “It’s New Year’s Eve and you’ve got a party to go to. Hurry up or you’ll miss the boat.”
“I’m not sure I can go,” I replied, not taking my eyes off the television coverage of the Sydney Harbour festivities.
“Of course you’re going.” She grabbed my arm and pulled me up. “You have to see him, Holly. Otherwise you’ll just mope for the rest of the holidays.”
“I’m happy here on the couch.” I knew I was being a chicken but the truth was, I was terrified of seeing him with her again.
“Well if you’re not going to Jessica’s engagement party, you at least have to come with us to Moon. Corey and his mates are coming. Jake is DJing. He gave Zara a bunch of spare tickets.”
“I don’t know, Aud. I feel bad for not going to the party, but I think I’ve hesitated too long.”
“For God’s sake, girl.” She clapped her hands and waved me towards my bedroom. “Get up, grab a quick shower an
d throw on that killer dress. I’ll help you with your hair and makeup.”
“Okay, okay, I’m going!” Jumping up, I raced for the shower. Audrey’s nudge was exactly what I’d needed.
Jessica had become important to me, and I was genuinely happy for her and Jonathan. I wanted to be there for them. If I’d learnt anything this year, it was that I was strong. Much stronger than I gave myself credit for. Of course, I was devastated that Ryan had moved on. However, I was rebuilding my life, and part of that was being honest and being brave. Tonight, I would have to be brave.
Looking in the full-length mirror, I took confidence from the beautiful dress hugging my body. I felt really good in it. Audrey advised me to leave my hair out, so I just swept it over my shoulder. She worked her magic on my face, somehow highlighting my eyes without it looking like I had makeup on at all. Black strappy heels completed my outfit. Well, almost. I reached for my charm bracelet and carefully attached the clasp around my wrist. I couldn’t help holding the tiny hummingbird between my fingers. Despite the fact that Ryan had moved on, it was a tiny reminder of our connection, and I would never take it off.
“If you’ve missed the boat, you can take a water taxi from East Circular Quay. They’ll take you directly to Fort Denison.”
“Okay, thanks Aud.” I looked her in the eyes. “Tell me I can do this.”
“Of course you can do it, Hol.” She hugged me, then pulled back. “You need to do this. Show him the confident, strong and caring woman you’ve found these past few months.” She looked at my reflection in the mirror. “Show him what he’s missing.”
“Okay, I’ll go – for Jessica and Jonathan. If Ryan wants to talk, I’ll have my game face on.” I winked at her reflection.
“If it all goes pear shaped, call me. I’ll leave a ticket at the door at Moon.”
“Deal.”
Audrey drove me down to the quay. Getting a cab on New Year’s Eve would be impossible, and I couldn’t walk that far in heels. I settled into a seat in the water taxi and took in my surroundings. There were thousands of people lining the shore, all jostling for the best vantage point. It was just after eight o’clock, so the first round of fireworks would kick off in under an hour. The atmosphere was electric.
