by Miss Dee
Oh this muthafucka had me fucked up. He got up and left out the house and it’s nine at night. I knew he wasn’t coming back tonight. I started calling leaving him messages cussing him out. I was upset. I put Daphne in her room and cried myself to sleep.
I was awaken by Shane kissing me. I couldn’t believe he came back that night. I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him at that moment. I couldn’t be mad at him. Zaharra could be lying I don’t know but I knew I was sticking by my man. I loved him he treated me good, took care of me, and most importantly Daphne liked him. Over the next couple of weeks Shane did well he took me shopping for the baby. We had fun we went out bowling, to the movies, out to eat, took Daphne and his daughter Jasmine out to play.
We spent quality time together he was nothing like Lo. But I still loved Lo. I still wrote him and he sent me letters to his mama’s house. But one thing is I didn’t tell him that I was pregnant. I didn’t know how to break the news to him. He wanted us to get married but I had moved on. I loved him but fuck that he was a woman beater.
I was six months pregnant and Lo had just gotten out of jail. My stomach was noticeable. It was big. I couldn’t keep his daughter away from him she was his daughter and he wanted to see her. I had made it clear in my letters that we were not getting together and that it was over. I think he was optimistic though.
Nancy did not tell me that Lo was out and had told me to bring Daphne to her. Zaharra and I had wanted to go shopping anyways so now we didn’t have to take her. She said she would keep her overnight so I packed her a bag. It was not unusual for Nancy to take Daphne during the week, so I thought nothing of it.
It was cold the middle of winter. I got out the car and grabbed Daphne. She was sleep for her afternoon nap. I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. And I tell you I almost pissed in my pants because Lo answered the door. He looked good. He had grown his hair out and he looked damn good I tell you. He gave me a huge smile and grabbed Daphne.
“Aw I finally get to touch my baby and feel her.” He said he walked into the living room.
I looked at Nancy who wouldn’t make eye contact. She had set me up she knew he was coming home and didn’t tell me. She probably knew I wouldn’t come over if I knew he was here. And she was right I knew he was getting out but I didn’t know the exact day. I made sure to text Zaharra one simple word “Lo”.
“So,” Lo came up to me and hugged me and I guess he felt my stomach under my coat. He grabbed my zipper as I tried to explain.
“Look Lo don’t be mad.” He got my coat open and I could see the hurt in his eyes. I started tearing up.
“You let some nigga get you pregnant? You suppose to be my baby and you fucking niggas raw out here.”
I zipped up my coat. I tried to walk out the house and he grabbed my arm. I got scared I knew what was coming. He spun me around and slapped me in my face. His mama came to my rescue.
“Boy don’t hit that girl that’s why she in this predicament now. You didn’t love her right.”
Nancy was right here I was seventeen and on my second child. I was looking for love I realized that but realization and changing is not the same thing. I left the house that day with new determination. I loved Shane and he loved me I was gone love him right so that he would love me right. That was all we needed. That was why Lo and I didn’t work out because he loved liquor more then he loved me. I wanted a real man, a real family.
Chapter Five
Shane and I had been doing well. Even Lo was being a good father. He got Daphne all the time and even bought her stuff. He wouldn’t give me any money because he said I wasn’t gone trick his money off on me and my nigga. Whatever he just wanted to be on bullshit and he was still getting drunk but we were good. I was about due. It was the week that I was due and Shane decided that he was going out of town to talk to his drug connect. I was heated that muthafucka excuses was always about money but the money wasn’t totaling up with the excuses. Like your drug connect boy you sold weed come on I know damn well whoever you sold for was local.
Zaharra stayed with me so I wouldn’t be alone. I was due and I needed someone there with me. Zaharra was a great friend anytime I needed her she would always be there for me. Daphne was staying with her dad until I had the baby so I did not have to worry about toting her around.
I just didn’t understand why Shane had to spend an entire week out of town. He told me some bullshit talking about he had to make sure that they didn’t think he was on some sheisty shit. The nigga was lying but I had no proof. He left that Monday and I cried. He promised to answer his phone for me. Zaharra and I kicked it though. It was fun just like old times. We danced and watched movies like old times. I was ready to drop this load so we did everything we could think of to get this baby out of me. I was on leave from my job because I was too far along, I didn’t get paid when I was off but I would have a job after the baby was born.
We watched Waiting to Exhale and cried and talked about our life. I loved Zaharra. Yellow and Red were okay but they lived a different lifestyle. They lived and breathed hustling niggas. They had started working at the local strip club and believe me they was getting paid. Red drove a yellow Hummer and Yellow drove a red Beamer. The bitches were getting paid. Zaharra was still on the bus. She was graduating first in her class. She was smart. I mean although I had a baby I was still maintaining a 2.8 but I had fucked up I had started my family to early but I wasn’t going to back down I was gone live with my mistakes.
I had been doing my checkups with Shane. I told him that the doctor said I was three centimeters and I needed to know when he was coming back. He said he would be back before the baby came. It was Friday night and I got an unexpected visit from Lo. It was about eleven at night and he came knocking at my door drunk. Zaharra and I were still up she had just got finished braiding my hair. It was cute she did it in a Mohawk. I answered for Lo. He looked a mess and he needed to shave.
He came in and started hugging and kissing me. His breath smelled of alcohol but the kissing was nice.
“Lo please stop,” I had to admit his kisses was turning me on.
I didn’t know if it was because my hormones or if it was because I still loved him but I was wet. I mean I loved Lo he was my first and even though we were not together it is just not that easy to get over your first. Although he was abusive I still loved him and he was wonderful with our daughter.
“Girl stop playing with me” He said kissing me.
Zaharra had went in Daphne’s room. Lo lead me to my room and sat me on the bed. He pulled out his penis.
“Suck it.” He said I was scared. Last time I tried to suck it he slapped me. “I ain’t gone hit you I was tripping back then suck it for me baby.”
At that moment I forgot all about Shane and how much I missed him. I grabbed the head and put it in my mouth. I sucked and slurped his dick and loved every bit of it. I had learned to suck dick from Shane now Shane he was a freak. He laid me down and gave me some of the first dick I had ever had and it felt good just like the first time. That night Lo held me in his arms. I knew I was wrong but I still loved Lo. He was my first and although he hurt me he did do good things for me. It was about two am and I felt a sharp pain and water run down my legs. I woke Lo up.
“Lo I think my water broke I gotta go to the hospital.”
He got Zaharra up and they drove me to the hospital. I called Shane multiple times and he didn’t answer I left him a message and told him what was going on. Lo wanted to stay at the hospital while I delivered but I made him leave just in case Shane showed up. I didn’t want them to bump heads. Although my water had broke Shane Jr. was taking his precious time it was Saturday and I was still in labor. I called Shane again and he finally answered around three that afternoon. He said he was gone be there. He got there about forty five minutes later. I was surprised I thought he was out of town he got there really quick. It was time to start pushing and I was happy that he had showed up. I was feeling guilty about having sex with L
o but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
Shane stayed one day with me at the hospital and the last day Zaharra stayed. He said he had to take care of some business. My little man looked just like Shane and I know why because he was getting on my nerves so much. The day arrived where I got to leave the hospital with my baby. Shane came to pick us up in a new car. It was a Toyota Camry and it was red. I liked it I guess he traded the old car in. I must admit it looked nice. He grabbed Shane Jr. and put him in the car. We went to pick up Daphne from Lo and he brought her out to the car. He looked upset but he didn’t say anything he just put her in the car. I kind of felt like I had broke his heart.
We got home and I cleaned up while the baby napped. I was in a little pain but I pushed through the pain to make sure my house was clean, plus I had some pain medicine. Shane and Daphne watched television and I cooked some tacos for dinner. Shane Jr. started to cry and Shane jumped up to see what was wrong with him. I was happy that he was a big help while I caught up on my missed assignments. We had already arranged that Jr. was going to go with Shane’s Aunt Mrs. Collin. She was retired and very sweet woman so I trusted her.
The first couple of weeks were exhausting adjusting to my new baby but I managed with the help of Shane. He was a good father and Lo still got Daphne whenever I needed him too. Just think here I was about to be eighteen with two children by two different men. My eighteenth birthday was approaching fast so I needed to get myself together because I was definitely going to party.
The weekend of my birthday I was ready I had got a brand new outfit. I had the perfect outfit it was a red skin tight dress. I had the leopard print belt and the leopard print shoes to match. One of Red’s men had a Club Downtown in the city. We were VIP and were gone have some fun. Red came and got me from my house. Daphne was with Lo and Shane Jr. was staying at home with Shane. I was surprised he was going to let me go as good as I was looking. But I guess he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. Plus he had done enough partying and ripping and running the streets so he didn’t really have shit to say.
The club was live and I was having a great time. Red’s man had the liquor coming none stop. I was drinking on some Grey Goose all night. I was fucked up. At about midnight I started getting calls from a random number. I never answered I was too busy partying. This one dude that was friends with Red’s guy kept staring. He was cute but he looked old. He kept eyeing me and I was feeling myself so I started dancing and looking at him giving him the hint that I was interested.
He came and stood behind me. I started shaking my ass and he started throwing money on me. I picked that shit up seductively and kept teasing him. I sat on his lap and gave him a lap dance.
He leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Come home with me.”
I got up and started shaking my ass and then I leaned in and whispered in his ear. “I already got a man.” And started laughing
I finished partying and kept dancing and I could see his eyes on me still. Before I left he walked up to me and gave me his card on the back he wrote, whenever you ready to grow up give a real nigga a call. I had to laugh me and Shane was good.
Chapter Six
When I got home from my party I laid in the bed next to my man and baby and felt so lucky. That lasted for about thirty minutes because Jr. started crying. But to my surprise Shane got up with him and let me sleep. I was happy then a bitch because I was tired. The next morning I woke up at around twelve. I had partied and now it was time to get back to being a mother and girlfriend.
I had three messages on my phone from the unknown number that called me about ten times last night. At first I thought it was Lo acting a fool. I had seen him earlier when I dropped Daphne off. He had bought me a card and gave me fifty dollars for my birthday. I checked my messages and to my surprise it was a chick. To be exact it was Melissa, Shane’s other baby mama. The bitch was on my answering machine talking about I was never going to take Shane from her and how he was always gone be hers. I let Shane listen and we cracked the fuck up. The bitch was hilarious. The shit didn’t even faze me anymore.
My six weeks had finally come up and I could finally have sex. I had been giving him head to satisfy him sexually but I knew he needed the real thing hell I needed the real thing. Well, well, well six weeks and one time of fucking and here I was pregnant again. Huh, could things get any worse. Who knew you could get pregnant right after your six weeks. I was upset and so was Shane.
We were having a hell of a time with the two we had. Shane had started doing carpentry with the hustling he was doing on the side we were doing okay. I picked up more hours at work. We were good though I only had to pay one hundred and thirty dollars with my low income now. My light bill was only about eighty dollars. But diapers were a muthafucka. Good thing for public assistance cause I needed those food stamps and that discounted rent. My next goal was to potty train Daphne I could not have three kids in diapers. Damn I didn’t know what to do. I was going to put Jr. in daycare with Daphne so I wouldn’t have to worry about that. And plus our hours worked out pretty good Shane worked during the day and I worked at night so the kids only went to daycare during the day while I was at school. Plus I was graduating this year. Too bad I would be walking across the stage with a little baby bump. I had just lost the baby weight from Jr. and here I was pregnant again.
Shane was walking around with an attitude and we were arguing more and more. I thought it was because of me being pregnant and it was but it was more to it than that. It was July. I was about three months. I had finally gotten my acceptance letter from college but I decided to do my classes online. Thank God for the ACT scores because with all the stress and chaos at home that was what really got me into any college I wanted. I scored a twenty eight. So I told Shane that I needed a laptop and we needed internet so that I could start school.
That simple thing started an argument. We were in the room and I was watching television. Daphne was with her dad and grandma at a fair and Jr. was on the bed sleep. Shane came in.
“Baby I need to talk to you about school and how we going to manage an extra bill.”
“An extra bill Denesha really?” He said looking irritated.
“Yeah okay I got the internet for only thirty dollars so I think we can manage.”
“I can’t handle another bill Nesha. We got the rent, light, phones, cable, gas, and now internet.”
“You act like I’m not helping. Plus we can get rid of the cable. I need to go to school.”
He got up and started putting his clothes in some bags. Was he leaving? Was he serious? My heart stopped. I jumped up.
“Are you serious? What is you doing?” I was crying now. He stopped what he was doing and looked me in the eyes.
“Look Nesha I got somebody else pregnant.” He said with no remorse. “I’m about to have four kids. I can’t do this I’m going to live with Carrie. It would be easier, she don’t have no kids but the one we about to have. Things will be better with her.”
I couldn’t believe the shit he was saying. He was telling me he had been cheating and with the white bitch that was supposed to be his connect. What the fuck was going on? I couldn’t breathe I wanted to scream. It felt like my entire life was crashing. Here I was eighteen and about to have three kids. Why was this happening to me? Was I that horrible of a person? And this muthafucka here he was ready to leave after he had done this to me. But one thing I knew I wasn’t going to do. I wasn’t going to beg him to stay if he wanted to go wasn’t nothing I could do.
I cried I was heartbroken. I really thought that Shane was the love of my life. I guess not. I kept up with my jobs and I managed my bills on my own. Shane did at least leave me the car for the kids. I guess the bitch Carrie had a car. Lo was seeing someone else and she was pregnant too. She was a white girl named Amanda. Don’t get me wrong I ain’t got a problem with interracial dating but I was feeling a type of way about them stealing my baby daddies. I just didn’t know what was going on with my baby daddies leaving me for w
hite women. Technically Lo didn’t leave me but still they left me for white women what was that shit about?
Over the next couple of months I did my school work and went to work. The financial aid was a big help with bills and things like that. Shane and Lo were really great with getting the kids when I needed to get my school work done. I can admit they were perfect father’s just really bad boyfriends. Shane still came over and we had sex every now and then. He apologized for what he did and I acted strong in front of him but when he left I cried. I cried my heart out my heart was still broken.
When a person who suppose to loves you beats you it physically hurts but when a person who you love and yall are suppose to have a connection leaves you it hurts your soul. Lo had hurt me physically because he had a drinking problem. But Shane I did not understand why he hurt me, or why he was such a dog. That muthafucka should have left me at that party crying like a psychopath. Why do men think it is okay to love you and leave you? A broken heart is so hard to heal you can’t just fix it like a toy you have to wait it out with time. Only time heals a broken heart.
Chapter Seven
I was out getting me some food after work. I was tired and I was not going to go home and cook. Daphne was with Nancy and Jr. was with Shane’s aunt. I was happy for the break. It was Friday too and they were planning to keep the kids. Well Shane’s aunt wasn’t but little did she know Shane was going to have to get him because I needed a break. I wasn’t answering my phone as a matter of fact I already had my lie together. I turned off my phone and when they asked I was going to say I was in the hospital because I was having problems with the baby. Being a single mother with two toddlers and one on the way was tough on me.
I was waiting for my fish when I saw a white Lexus truck pull into the restaurant. The base from the radio was knocking and when the driver got out I had to take a second glance. It was the guy from the club the old dude I was dancing on. And I had to admit he was looking good. And I was looking like shit. Here I was four months pregnant, hair in a ponytail, and some damn sweats on. I hoped he didn’t notice me. He walked in and looked right at me. Well of course since I was the only one in the damn place.
