by Lenora Worth
“That’s for the research staff’s big bonfire,” Beth pointed out. “It’s open to their families, too, and I’ve come out with Eva. It’s pretty cool. If he asks, you should go.”
“He won’t.” Kellie didn’t bother to explain why. Even if he did, she couldn’t accept. “So, you’ve known him a long time.”
“Since high school.”
Then Beth had probably known Ryan’s fiancée. What had she been like? Before Kellie could even ask, the wagon pulled to a stop near the research facility. The kids climbed down, and again, Ryan was right there to help.
Beth jumped down unassisted, so Kellie did, too.
Ryan walked alongside her as they entered the station. “What’d you think of the orchards?”
“They’re beautiful.”
He gave her a satisfied smile. “If you think so now, wait until spring. I’ll show you this place during the height of cherry blossom time. It’s something to see.”
She’d seen the surrounding areas in full bloom before but walking these paths alongside Ryan would be something special indeed. “And your family’s cherry farm?”
He grinned then. “Even prettier.”
She nodded, hoping for that chance.
He led their large group through the facility. They didn’t enter the research room that reminded her of a high school chemistry classroom. Instead they lined the windowed wall and watched as pathologists and biologists did their thing inside. Ryan answered questions outside about what they were doing.
Kellie couldn’t deny that Ryan knew his stuff. In fact, he took pride in the place like he owned it. As farm manager here, his footprint was everywhere.
By the time they gathered for lunch in the exhibit hall, Kellie was hot and thirsty and ready for the steaming pizza that had been delivered. Getting their large group seated and settled down with their choice of juice or bottled water was a challenge, but they managed as quickly as possible.
With the kids taken care of, Kellie chugged a bottle of water and then reached for a second.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Ryan had a pizza box in hand along with a couple of bottles of water.
“Thirst first.”
“I’ve got plenty for both of us.” Ryan tipped the box toward her. “Sit with me.”
Kellie glanced at the kids, who were busy eating. Both teachers and chaperones were, too, so she followed Ryan to the end of a table with a few empty chairs.
Slipping into a seat beside him, she took an offered slice from the box. “Thanks.”
“So, how’s this field trip rank?”
“Fun,” she mumbled around a bite loaded with melting cheese that dripped onto her chin.
He handed her a napkin. “First time you’ve been here?”
She nodded, still chewing.
“During the cherry harvest, we open to the public on weekends for wagon rides through the ripe orchards, and this hall is filled with vendors who make cherry-related products. It’s good PR.”
“So that’s why you sound like a professional tour guide.” Kellie laughed.
“You liked that, huh?” He gave her a wink.
“I did, actually.” Kellie wasn’t into how things grew. She killed every plant she’d ever been given, but she appreciated the research that went on here. Even more, she could relate to the hard work Ryan put in. He managed the grounds and its equipment, kept track of projects and prepped the field for new ones. “You really made everything interesting.”
He tipped his head before taking a drink of his water. “Thanks. I love what I do.”
It showed. “Why didn’t you take over your family’s cherry farm?”
“Too much risk. Growing up, I watched my dad lose his crop one too many times. I can’t control the weather.”
“Wow, I’d never thought of farming in those terms before. I guess you’re right.”
Obviously, Ryan had some control issues of his own. He found a way to insulate his losses by his choice of career. Close to what he loved, but without the defeat of ownership.
“Okay, what did I say that has you thinking so hard?”
Her heart skipped a beat, but she looked into his eyes anyway. “You don’t like to lose.”
He searched her face, and his gaze softened. “You don’t either, do you?”
“Nobody does.” She’d lost too many times as a kid. Between the lack of her parents’ attention, the loss of her brother’s love and her own self-respect from going with guys who couldn’t love her, Kellie learned the hard way the only one to rely on was God. And herself.
Ryan pushed the box toward her. “Want another slice?”
“Thanks.” She reached for another piece of pizza and felt Ryan’s fingertips brush the inside of her arm, across the thin scars there.
“Whoa, what happened?”
For a split second Kellie considered lying like she used to fib to her mom when she’d spotted the fresh scratches. Berry picking, the neighbor’s cat, clearing brush from the backyard—Kellie had a bag full of excuses to hide her nasty little secret.
She left the slice where it was and bared her arm a little more. “When I was a teen, I used to cut.”
Ryan’s eyes widened. “You did that?”
She wanted to hang her head in shame at the shocked look on his face. Cutting was how she’d coped, how she’d dealt with the jumble of emotions she couldn’t express or get rid of. “Yes, unfortunately.”
Instead of changing the subject, Ryan’s gaze softened along with his voice. “Why?”
Kellie picked at the piece of pizza. Explaining that would take far more time than they had for this lunch break. “It was how I dealt with pain.”
“By inflicting more?”
“I was a kid then, but no different than you are now. Different methods seeking the same result. Deaden the pain, even if only for a while.”
Ryan’s expression grew grim with understanding. Real understanding. He didn’t think she was freak. He grabbed another slice of pizza. “Crazy, what we allow ourselves to do, huh?”
“Yup.” Would group therapy halt his craving to dampen pain with alcohol? She prayed so.
Ryan had so much to offer. As Beth had pointed out, he truly was one of the good ones. In fact, Ryan was proving to be more dependable than she’d ever given him credit for.
Chapter Seven
Ryan thought about what Kellie had said long after the second graders left. Group sessions were difficult for him on many levels, but mainly because he didn’t like losing control of his emotions. After that first breakdown in group, he’d kept his ears open and his mouth shut.
Maybe that’s why it was so hard to talk to his brother. The last three years, Ryan had tamped down his feelings pretty deep. Talking about it all now might be like cracking open a snake-in-a-can. His emotions could pop out and run wild and then what? Would he lose Sinclair’s respect? Would he lose his own?
He scratched his head. How could a woman he barely knew know so much about who he was? She understood him. Maybe because she had darkness in her, too. That feeling of protectiveness for her washed over him. He didn’t like knowing she’d had a painful past, one that had led her to a self-destructive habit. How’d she stop?
Ryan blew out his breath. Thinking about Kellie was becoming a habit for him. Seeing her visit the research station with a bunch of second graders made him smile. She seemed easy with kids and relaxed without a trace of her usual guardedness. Considering her own struggles, she’d picked a good field in counseling.
“Good job with the tour today.” Liz stood in the doorway of his office.
“Thanks.”
“See you tomorrow, Ryan.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, cleaned off his desk and grabbed his jacket. He had a long night of work yet ahead
, but he didn’t mind. Working on Dorrie’s place kept him from his own empty house and brooding thoughts. Seeing Kellie was a bonus he looked forward to. Maybe a little too much.
When he pulled up to the house, he scanned the driveway for Kellie’s car but it wasn’t there. Only a few volunteers had arrived—a couple of older guys with physical limitations and a woman who couldn’t do a whole lot. He’d find some project they could work on.
They were a small group even with Dorrie and Kellie. Way too small for the looming deadline of Dorrie’s eviction. By December 1, Ryan wanted this house complete and ready for Dorrie and her girls to move into. Possible? He wasn’t sure, but he’d get as much done as he could.
Ryan heard the kitchen door open and knew it was Kellie by the sound of her rapid footsteps. His body tensed as the air around him seemed to change. Charged with new energy, he waited until she came into view and felt his jaw slacken.
“Hey.” She quickly buckled on one of the leather tool belts.
He wasn’t sure if anyone could look more attractive and feminine than Kellie in an oversized pink T-shirt and jeans with a tool belt hanging about her slim hips.
He must have let his appreciation show because her cheeks flushed and she looked anywhere but at him. “Dorrie’s going to be late. Hannah has a doctor’s appointment.”
“No problem.”
“Light group.” She opened another window letting in the warm autumn breeze.
It still felt too hot.
“What can I do?” she asked with that low voice of hers.
Ryan shifted his stance. “You think you can help me hang drywall?”
“I’ll try.”
He fished in a basket until he found a small pair of work gloves and then handed her a mask to cover her nose and mouth. “You’re going to want to wear these. It’s pretty dusty work.”
“Okay.” She slipped them on.
“Your eyes look blue today.”
One of her eyebrows hitched toward her hairline.
“Your eyes change color. I notice.” Ryan shrugged.
He noticed a lot about the pretty intern who’d complicated his life. Remembering the tiny scars that marred her smooth skin, he realized Kellie was a complicated woman in her own right. He never quite knew what she was thinking.
She looked a little flustered as she scanned the room.
“Okay, what do we do first?”
“See that stack of drywall? We’ll carry each sheet. I’ll hold it up while you drill it into place. Where there are outlets, we’ll have to make adjustments before hanging. Make sense?”
She nodded as she loaded up a pouch on her tool belt with drywall screws.
They lifted the first sheet and Ryan was surprised at Kellie’s strength. “You’re not bad for a lightweight.”
“I’m stronger than I look.”
“You’re not kidding.” There had to be a deeper meaning behind her words. Kellie wasn’t a woman to be trifled with.
That wasn’t his intent. Ryan had never been one of those on-the-prowl guys. He’d always wanted a wife and a family. With Sara that dream had been a no-brainer. But now, he just wanted to get through the day.
He jockeyed the drywall into position and held it while Kellie stooped down to pick up the drill. Breathing in drywall dust, Ryan coughed before slipping his mask over his mouth. He watched as she climbed up the stepladder to drill in the first screw. “Nice job, that looks good.”
“Thanks.” She continued down the line to complete the side.
“If you drill in a few over here, I can let go.”
Her eyes widened and she stepped closer. “Oh, sorry.”
“No biggie.” He enjoyed watching her work. The way she concentrated on a task. She wore a blue knit cap and as usual, her hair had been braided into a thick rope that swayed against her back. “Just so you know, your eyes are pretty when they’re green, too.”
She looked up and scowled. “Will you stop?”
Ryan grinned under his mask. He was only getting started. It’d been a long time since he’d wanted to flirt with anyone. And something about Kellie made him want to knock down that guarded reserve of hers.
Although they stood close, they didn’t touch, but he could feel her warmth. There was a hum of awareness between them that felt stronger than before. The connection deeper than mere attraction. They understood each other. He held on to the drywall longer than needed so he could soak it all in. Soak her in.
She cleared her throat, either from dust or something else he wasn’t sure. Maybe she was affected by that energy, too. “How was group?”
“Huh?” Like a splash of cold water, she’d reminded him of their need for distance. No doubt, she’d done that on purpose.
She held up her gloved hand. “No. Wait. You don’t have to answer that. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”
“Whoa—we’re friends, right?”
“Are we?” Her eyes searched his.
“I like to think so.” He wouldn’t mind being more but knew that probably wasn’t wise. Not now, anyway. “I hope so. And group is fine. I’m listening really hard.”
She drilled in another screw. “That’s a good start.”
He feigned horror. “You mean there’s more?”
She shook her head at his nonsense. “There’s application of what you hear.”
“Just like church.” He stepped back and surveyed their work. “Good enough. Let’s grab another.”
They carried the next sheet of drywall and positioned it in place.
“Speaking of church.” Kellie bit her bottom lip as she drilled in the top screw. “Where do you usually go?”
“A church in LeNaro. Although I haven’t exactly been a fixture there. Why?”
Kellie shrugged. “I wanted to go back to your brother’s congregation and wondered if you would mind.”
“I don’t mind.” He had enjoyed sitting in the pew next to her this past Sunday. He liked hearing her low voice sing songs with gusto.
“Do you not attend there because of your brother?” She drilled in another screw.
He tipped his head. “At first, maybe, but more so because that’s where Sara’s parents go.”
Kellie looked through him. “Do you think they blame you for what happened?”
She didn’t beat around the bush. Ryan knew that Sinclair had told Kellie about the tractor accident, but how much did she know about that day? How much did she know about the strained relationship he had with his brother?
He shrugged. “I don’t really know.”
Her eyes widened. “Haven’t you talked to them about it?”
“What’s to say? Oh sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Petersen, I should have told your daughter not to cut that patch of grass on the hill.”
Kellie stepped close to drill screws into his side of the drywall. “Would she have listened to you?”
He let out a sigh. He’d wrestled with that question for three years. “Sara was something of a thrill seeker, but she wasn’t defiant. Growing up, she and Sinclair would try just about anything crazy. I don’t know how many times Hope and I warned them not to do something and then ended up standing by to watch. We’d always laugh in the end. I had a bad feeling about the tractor stunt, but I didn’t say anything. If I had—” His throat tightened up. “If only I had.”
Kellie touched his arm, scattering white drywall dust on his skin. “You really should talk to them, Ryan. They go to your brother’s church and he egged Sara on. If they don’t blame Sinclair, surely they don’t blame you.”
“One of the twelve steps is making amends. Yeah, I know.” He wasn’t sure if he could complete that one.
“Are you following the steps then?” She let go to drill in the rest of the screws.
“Trying to.” He watched her concentrate on her task. He’d never shared what he’d told her with anyone before. Not even in group. Something inside his chest loosened a little. Could she be right about Sara’s parents?
“God will show you how if you let Him.”
He knew that, too. In group they called it acknowledging his Higher Power. In his heart, Ryan knew he had to give God back His residency.
“What made you decide to go into counseling?”
She bit her lip. “It’s a long story.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, well, we’ve got a lot of drywall to hang.”
She drilled in the last screw but didn’t look at him right away as if weighing her answer. “My brother’s a drug addict.”
That made sense in explaining why Dorrie’s kids didn’t seem to know their father. Why no one talked about him either. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me, too.” Kellie shrugged and headed for the pile of drywall across the room.
“Is that why you’re interning at LightHouse? Do you hope to work there permanently?”
“No way.” She snorted. “I want to know how to deal with addiction, but I don’t want to surround myself with it. My master’s is in school counseling.”
“Like a guidance counselor?” He held the drywall in place.
“Exactly, but these days the position has been expanded to include more mental health and social aspects. I’m so close to finishing my master’s, I can taste it.”
“When are you done at LightHouse?” Maybe then he could ask her out and see what happened.
Kellie shrugged and drilled in the screws. “In about two weeks, I’ll complete my internship and then find out if I passed my certification test when the scores are posted online. Until then, I’m not going anywhere. My boss John, who happens to be your counselor, has recommended me to the superintendent of a Traverse City school district.”
“Sounds to me like you’ve worked too hard not to pass.” Ryan gave her a wink.
“I hope so. One of their middle school counselors resigned and I have a second interview for the position on Thursday.”
