by Lenora Worth
Ryan didn’t know what it was like to have a loved one with a substance abuse problem. He only knew that he might have traveled farther down that road if Kellie hadn’t recommended him for treatment. He could have been someone who would have hurt his friends and family. He didn’t want to do that. Not for the world. Not after seeing the consequences from both group and Karl. Not after meeting Kellie, a woman who gave him every reason to want a real life again.
He caressed her cheek. “I won’t ever kick you in the teeth, I promise.”
She closed her eyes and more tears leaked out.
He kissed each eyelid, knowing he’d have a job ahead proving it to her. Could she find any trust in her heart left for him?
* * *
The next morning, Kellie sat across from her brother in the county jail, but he wouldn’t look her in the eye. “Mom and Dad are on their way.”
Karl nodded.
“Why didn’t you call me? We could have worked this out.” Kellie might have convinced him to return Ryan’s pills, and even what was left of the old prescription he’d stolen from her landlady. But he’d never given her a chance.
“I’ve got a prior in Illinois and a bench warrant for not appearing in court. There’s no working it out.” Then he shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”
She swallowed her urge to defend him, to cry out that it did matter, that he mattered. Her brother was going to jail, probably for a while, and that truth made her sick. “It matters to me. I want to help you. Ryan wants to help you.”
Karl slouched farther in the chair. “No one can help me.”
She tried to remember what Ryan had said to her last night, but fear for her brother who’d lost all hope turned her cold and clouded her memory. “Don’t say that, Karl. Not when there’s a God.”
His lip curled into a sneer. “Yeah, right. God? Where’s He been? Huh? Why’d He let me get here?”
Kellie bristled. “You put yourself here.”
Her brother laughed. “Everything’s black and white with you. It’s a rhetorical question, Kel.”
“Yeah? Well, maybe you’ll finally find Him where you’re going. Rhetorically speaking.” Kellie didn’t bother to soften her tone.
This time Karl looked right at her with stark desolation in his eyes. “There’s no God where I’ve been, so why would He bother showing up where I’m going?”
Guilt swamped her, and fear, but also confusion. She couldn’t shut up, not yet. “Why, Karl? Why did you take this road?”
He looked away. “I felt important, like I finally mattered, and that’s what gets you hooked.”
Kellie had no idea her brother had been as starved for attention and validation as she was growing up. “You matter. You always mattered, way more than—”
“Than you?” Karl smiled. “Is that how you saw it? I guess considering the trouble I was always in, it might have appeared that way. Mom and Dad were clueless, but they loved you best. You never let them down.”
Kellie grabbed a box of tissues sitting on the table. She wiped her burning eyes and then blew her nose. But she had let them down, in quiet ways with razors and boys, and each one had torn pieces of her heart out. “We’re a sorry pair.”
Karl gave her a crooked smile, reminding her of the way he used to be. The brother that had at one time watched out for her and let her tag along with him and his friends. “Keep an eye on Dorrie and the girls for me, okay? I know I’ve never been there for them. Something I’ll regret forever.”
Kellie nodded. “Is that why you came here?”
“Yeah. I knew I was toast, so what was the point of showing up in court? I had to see those girls one last time. They’ll be grown by the time I’m out.”
Kellie’s eyes widened. “You don’t know that.”
“I deal as well as use, Kel. And I got caught in Michigan—a state with some of the toughest penalties. I’m going away for a good long while.”
Her heart ached, but part of her wanted to pound on him, too, for putting himself in this position. For putting her here. He’d had so many chances to turn his life around, but he’d blown every one of them to bits.
Karl’s slouch became more pronounced and his expression changed to indifference.
Kellie looked around and her insides tightened. Their parents walked toward them.
“We’ve called a good lawyer. He’ll be here shortly, so keep your mouth shut about what the cops found on you.” Her father was a proud man with a belligerent stance. Self-made, too, until his business took a hit with the downturn of the economy. Money was tighter than it used to be, but they’d still shell out the best for Karl. Or was it more for their own benefit?
There were no hellos, or inquiries into how she or Karl might be holding up. But then, her folks had been through a lot with her brother over the years. Karl was a dark stain on the gleaming Cavanaugh reputation. He’d been arrested in their home state, and it would no doubt make the news. It didn’t matter that Karl had been arrested three hours north of where they’d grown up. People back home would know. They’d find out.
Kellie wiped her eyes again and stood. “Hey, Mom and Dad.”
“Oh Kellie, how’d this happen?” Her mother’s eyes teared up, but accusation rang in her voice.
“You’ll have to talk to Karl.” Kellie wasn’t about to explain Ryan’s part in her brother’s arrest. She wouldn’t be the one to drop the bomb of a prior arrest either. Maybe her folks already knew.
“I’m asking you. You’re the one who’s trained in this kind of thing. Couldn’t you keep him away from the drugs?”
She’d rather be kicked in the stomach; it would have hurt less. “Karl’s a grown man. He made a choice.”
Kellie took a seat farther down the table, letting her parents grill Karl for information. Every now and then he’d glance her way and smirk. They’d been through this before, but never this serious.
By the time the lawyer arrived, Kellie had already made herself invisible. There was nothing she could do, nothing to add, no difference to make. Was she kidding herself to think she’d be a good counselor? Ryan had told her otherwise, but could she believe him?
Her heart twisted and her mind clicked back to the day she’d taken Ryan’s court-ordered assessment. Had he really been telling the truth that he’d never drink and drive? What if that story about his friend had been a lie? Would Ryan have driven home drunk that night if the cops hadn’t intervened? The thought made her ill. But the possibility was all too real. What if someday it was Ryan sitting at this table?
Looking around, Kellie felt numb. Removed even, like she was watching a cheesy TV cop show. Only this was all too real, and this was her family. She’d been kicked in the teeth enough for one lifetime; no way would she allow herself to go through more. She refused to end up like her sister-in-law who’d fallen in love with the wrong man. A man who still hurt her.
Ryan had good intentions. He was a good man, but Kellie knew that good men fell, too. She wasn’t sure she could be a safety net for Ryan if it might mean this kind of heartbreak. This kind of future.
Chapter Thirteen
After the meeting with Karl and the lawyer, Kellie went to lunch with her folks in Traverse City near the hotel where they’d checked in for a few days. And then she stopped at the school where she’d soon work. The principal had been pleased by her proactive visit and had directed Kellie to the office she’d occupy as well as case files she should get acquainted with before her start date. Kellie copied the files of the kids who needed the most attention and took them home to study.
She needed to get a handle on what to expect after Thanksgiving. She needed something to keep her mind occupied and off her family.
It was late by the time Kellie made it to Dorrie’s new house. Entering through the side door into the laundry room that lacked
only the hookup of a washer and dryer to be complete, Kellie stepped into the kitchen where everyone ate dinner.
“Perfect timing.” Ryan stood and offered his chair. “Have a seat.”
Kellie feasted on the sight of him. Wearing his usual plaid flannel over a thermal undershirt, Ryan might as well be the poster child of dependability. Strong and stable.
But for how long?
Making her way toward him, she nearly stumbled when she spotted her parents. She glanced at Dorrie. Her sister-in-law’s eyes looked red-rimmed like she’d been crying. No doubt her folks had filled Dorrie in on what Karl faced.
“You okay?” Ryan touched her shoulder and squeezed.
“Yeah, sure.” Kellie had switched into autopilot. She gathered up today’s hurt and tucked it away like she’d done a dozen times before. “I just came from the school where I’ll be working. I have a lot of paperwork to get familiar with.”
Ryan looked at her closely. “I’m sorry about Karl.”
Kellie shrugged and glanced away. “Me, too.”
“Have you eaten? I’m grabbing seconds. Can I get a plate for you?”
Kellie didn’t have much of an appetite, and she wasn’t up for talking about her day, acting like everything was normal when it wasn’t. Didn’t matter that she was the one who’d already set this tone. “No, thanks. I had a late lunch. I think I’ll look around a bit while you finish.”
Ryan narrowed his gaze. “You sure?”
She nodded and walked away through the house and ended up in the girls’ bedroom. Kellie leaned against the window seat that Ryan had made. She stared out the window at the bare cherry trees across the street and marveled at how far the house had come because of how much Ryan had done. He was a good man. Dorrie and the girls would move in before the holidays. Talk about the perfect Christmas present. All because of Ryan’s commitment to hard work.
“Pretty house.” Her mom stood beside her.
“Yeah.” She rubbed her arms. It felt chilly inside even with the heat on.
“Karl said he’d worked on it a little bit with your boyfriend. We met Ryan when we came in. He’s very nice, Kellie.”
“He’s not my boyfriend, Mom.” A tug of regret pierced her. He could be, if she’d let him. “He’s a friend. Just a friend.”
“Karl spoke highly of him.”
She wondered if her brother still thought that after learning Ryan had called the sheriff. But then Ryan was trying to protect Dorrie and the girls. And her. Surely, Karl understood that. “When did Karl say all this?”
“Today, after you’d left.”
“Oh.” Warm surprise spread through her. And then it turned cold. She still worried over her brother’s opinion.
“Don’t you care for Ryan?”
“Mom, this really isn’t the place.” Kellie’s throat threatened to close up.
Care was an understatement for the feelings that spread deep and wide like an open chasm in front of her. If she took another step forward, she’d be swallowed whole and there’d be no turning back. No protection.
“Why don’t you and Dorrie and the girls come home for Thanksgiving. Get away from here for a couple of days.” Her mom’s eyes pleaded.
Today had been hard on her mom, too. Seeing Karl and knowing where he was headed had to break a mother’s heart. It still broke Dorrie’s. And it broke hers, too. “Yeah, maybe.”
Her mom’s eyes clouded with tears as she reached out and squeezed Kellie’s arm. “Let me know. I better get your father and go before he eats all the desserts.”
Kellie nodded, feeling her eyes sting. She remained where she was though, unable to move as she listened to her nieces say their goodbyes to Grandma and Grandpa. The girls asked if they’d come back again tomorrow, and Kellie’s heart pinched a little tighter. There’d been sweet times in her family, so why had it gone so wrong?
Kellie heard sounds of the volunteer workers getting back to work, but she couldn’t make her feet move or pull her gaze away from the window as she watched her parents climb into their car. They looked so weary and defeated.
All because of Karl. So much heartache and moments lost because of an addiction.
“Hey. Are you okay?” Ryan’s voice sounded soft and deep behind her.
She shrugged. “I don’t think I can work tonight.”
“I imagine not. Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it?”
Kellie shook her head. “No.”
He put his arm around her shoulders. “Believe it or not, I’m a good listener.”
Kellie battled the temptation to lean into him and pour her heart out. Something about Ryan’s embrace made her feel safe, like the rest of world couldn’t touch her. But she’d followed that kind of false security too many times.
She looked into his eyes instead. “I better tell Dorrie I’m leaving.”
“Don’t sweat it. I’ll let her know. Come on, I’ll walk you out.” He took her hand, the one he’d so gently bandaged. Her palm had pretty much healed.
She followed him outside, grabbing her coat and shrugging into it along the way.
At her car, Ryan gently pulled her into his arms.
And she crumpled inside. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” He kissed the top of her head.
“For putting you through this with Karl.”
He squeezed a little tighter. “I offered. It was my decision to make. I’m only sorry I was the one to turn him in.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
He stepped back and tipped up her chin. His eyes looked guarded and unsure. “Does that change things between us?”
Kellie could jump on that excuse, but it’d be false. Ryan had done the right thing. She needed to do the same, so she took a deep breath. “Look, Ryan...”
“That doesn’t sound too good.” His half smile made her heart pinch with regret.
She pulled away from him. “There can’t be an us. At least, not for me.”
He narrowed his gaze. “Why?”
How did a person explain what it was like to take a trip to jail to see a loved one? “I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Substance abuse.” She felt Ryan’s stance change.
His body tightened in invasive defense. And why wouldn’t he feel invaded? She’d taken an inventory of him and called him out, maybe unfairly, when he was trying to get it right. He’d been honest in group, and he’d been honest with her, too, but Kellie couldn’t afford any more tries that ended in failure.
“I’m not your brother. I’m not messing around with alcohol because I know where it could lead. I won’t go there. Ever.”
She looked into his eyes and read genuine conviction. He had good intentions but no track record. “It’s too much for me to risk.”
“I’m not letting you go—”
“This isn’t going to work. I can’t make it work.” Her voice went a little shrill.
“Says who? We haven’t even gone on a date yet, and you’re throwing in the towel? Give us a chance. Give me a chance to prove I’m someone you can trust.” He took her hand. “Trust me, Kellie.”
She wanted to, but how? Trust was the hardest gift to give. Her eyes burned and panic set in as she sought for an excuse to turn him away. “You’re not even over your dead fiancée.”
Anger flashed in his eyes at the cheap shot. “And you’re afraid of something you can’t control.”
Like a punch to stomach, Kellie gasped. “That’s not fair.”
“Maybe not, but Kellie, you’re so afraid of what I might do that you’re not seeing straight. We’re building something beautiful here, why throw it away?”
She shook her head. “I’ve got to go. It’s cold out here and you’re not wearing a coat.”
“I don’t care about a coat,” he snapped and stepped closer. “When Sara died in my arms, she said something that has haunted me for three years.”
Kellie closed her eyes. She wanted to cover her ears from hearing. She didn’t want to hurt anymore but couldn’t walk away. Couldn’t help but ask, “What...what did she say?”
He touched a lock of her hair and twined it around his finger like he’d done so many times before, before looking into her eyes. “She said, Don’t die on me, Ryan. All this time, I thought she was begging me not to let her die. I had let her down and that ate away at me no matter what I did. But Sunday, in church, I realized the truth for the first time. Sara wasn’t afraid of death. She knew where she was going. Her fear was for me. Sara didn’t want me to stop living. And I had, Kel. I really had died inside.”
Kellie sniffed as tears trickled down her cheeks.
“Look at me,” he said.
She did.
“You helped bring me back to life. Sara will always be part of who I am, but you’re part of who I want to be. Don’t you see? I want you in my life. I want to build a life with you. Sure, I’ll let you down, but not in the ways you fear. The consequences of that slippery slope are far too steep.”
His words sounded so sweet and full of promise, like a tantalizing balm to heal her wounds. But the image of meeting him at LightHouse Center flashed through her mind. The reality of how often good men and women repeated their mistakes crushed her hope. How could she be sure he wouldn’t end up back in that place or worse?
“What good is this life if we don’t risk loving each other? Don’t let this die. Not now, not like this.”
She let out the breath she’d been holding. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Open your heart and trust in the God we try to serve.”
God. The only one who wouldn’t let her down, but did she really believe that? Or was it her own ability to keep her heart safe that she relied upon? No matter how much she trusted God, Ryan had the power to shatter her world.
Kellie looked at him, so solid and real. A good man. Could God keep him from drinking? Not if Ryan chose otherwise.
