The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design

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by Wendy Northcutt




  ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT

  The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action

  The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection

  The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest

  INTELLIGENT DESIGN

  Wendy Northcutt

  with Christopher M. Kelly

  DUTTON

  The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.

  DUTTON

  Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd); Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India; Penguin Group (NZ), cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  First electronic edition, October 2006

  Copyright © 2006 by Wendy Northcutt

  All rights reserved

  Illustrations by Peter McDonnell

  DARWIN AWARDS is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.

  REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGINGPUBLICATION DATA

  Northcutt, Wendy.

  The Darwin awards 4 : intelligent design / Wendy Northcutt with Christopher M. Kelly.

  p. cm.

  ISBN: 0-7865-8996-5

  1. Stupidity—Anecdotes. 2. Stupidity—Humor. I. Kelly, Christopher M. II. Title. III. Title: Darwin awards four. IV. Title: Intelligent design.

  BF431.N675 2006

  081—dc22

  2006023936

  Set in Century Old Style and Weiss

  Designed by Leonard Telesca

  Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Websites or their content.

  This one’s for you, babe.*

  If all else fails, Immortality

  can always be assured

  by spectacular error.

  —John Kenneth Galbraith

  Contents

  Introduction

  True intelligent design is the unerring scythe of natural selection.

  What, Me Worry? Why There Are Darwin Awards

  The Rules

  Reproductive Dead End

  Excellence

  Self-selection

  Maturity

  Veracity

  The Categories

  Darwin Awards

  Honorable Mentions

  Personal Accounts

  Picking the Winners

  History of the Darwin Awards

  Survival of the Fittest

  Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous: Evidence for Intelligent Design

  Cleaning the Gene Pool

  CHAPTER 1

  Vehicles

  Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheelchair, and one mountain bike—wheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits. The stories in this chapter show that humans still have a long way to go, in evolving to cope with the ubiquitous dangers of our transportation system.

  Discussion: AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution

  Darwin Award: Daring Feet

  Darwin Award: Rutting Contest

  Darwin Award: 4-1-0 Club

  Darwin Award: Auto Blotto

  Darwin Award: Stepping Out

  Darwin Award: The Nuisance of Seat Belts

  Darwin Award: Terminal Creativity

  Darwin Award: Jack Up

  Darwin Award: Tree vs. Man

  Darwin Award: Tunnel Vision

  Darwin Award: Dope on a Rope

  Darwin Award: Death Valley Daze

  Darwin Award: Tree Hard, Head Empty

  Darwin Award: Heck on Wheels

  Darwin Award: Self-Demolition Derby

  Darwin Award: Asphalt Tattoo

  Honorable Mention: Overheated Engine

  Honorable Mention: Clean Brake

  Honorable Mention: Happy Camper

  Honorable Mention: Picture-Perfect Cop

  Honorable Mention: New Hog

  Personal Account: Blast from the Past

  Personal Account: Brake Care

  Personal Account: Wild Wheelchair Ride

  CHAPTER 2

  Water

  Water covers 70 percent of the Earth’s surface, so it’s little wonder that this is the medium in which many Darwin demises occur. We herein encounter the dangers of “snowmoboating,” the tide, frozen rivers, raging rivers, two waterfalls, one bungee cord, and even the kitchen sink! Dive into stories featuring water, where one soon sees that our evolutionary adaptations are not yet complete.

  Discussion: Aquatic Apes Are People, Too!

  Darwin Award: Snowmoboater

  Darwin Award: Second Time’s the Charm

  Darwin Award: Man Drowns in Kitchen Sink

  Darwin Award: Tide Waits for No Man

  Darwin Award: Cold Call

  Darwin Award: Bottom of the Barrel

  Darwin Award: Hurricane Blumpkin

  Darwin Award: A Closer Look at Victoria Falls

  Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat

  Honorable Mention: Go with the Floe

  Personal Account: Do-It-Yourself Bass Boat

  CHAPTER 3

  Women

  Few women win Darwin Awards, but this book is lucky enough to have a strong selection of female applicants. We have a spy, two explosions, pilot sex and street sex, a desperate smoker, a gymnast, an amateur mechanic, and a thief. We also have a Jet Ski, a hurricane, a raging river, a roller coaster, gasoline, and an aerosol can. It is with great pleasure that I introduce these stories about feminine wiles….

  Discussion: Love Bites

  Darwin Award: Military Intelligence

  Darwin Award: Mile High Club Failure

  Darwin Award: Ultimate Quest for Airtime

  Darwin Award: Right Over the Dam

  Darwin Award
: Love Struck

  Darwin Award: Hurricane News Junkie

  Darwin Award: Dying for a Ciggie

  Darwin Award: Off-Road Driving

  Darwin Award: What I Can Still Do

  Honorable Mention: A Fast Escape

  Personal Account: Gas Spill

  Personal Account: Stupid Car

  Personal Account: Air Freshener

  CHAPTER 4

  Animals

  An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction. But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature. Enjoy these stories about elephants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bison—animals that have the misfortune to share the planet with clueless Homo sapiens.

  Discussion: “Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?”

  Darwin Award: Mining for Elephants

  Darwin Award: Snake Man

  Darwin Award: Elephant Tail

  Darwin Award: “Hazard Befell Him”

  Darwin Award: Chicken to Go

  Darwin Award: A Honey of a Buzz

  Honorable Mention: Kills Bugs Dead

  Honorable Mention: Parrot Hunter

  Honorable Mention: Eel Enema

  Honorable Mention: Warm Snakes

  Honorable Mention: Wades with Sharks

  Personal Account: Bufo marinus

  Personal Account: Dodging the Draft Horse

  Personal Account: Watch Where You’re Going

  Personal Account: Shortcut Cut Short

  CHAPTER 5

  Alcohol

  Alcohol plays a role in many Darwin Awards, but this is the first chapter devoted exclusively to the boneheaded things we do while inebriated. Get ready for a spy device, freeway calisthenics, saliva, bar bets, sunglasses, revenge, a beer-filled condom, window glass, a drinking glass, auto repair, firecrackers, and a submarine. Here are stories of inebriated innovations that make mice and monkeys cringe when we say we’re related to them….

  Discussion: Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution

  Darwin Award: Homemade Wine

  Darwin Award: Freeway Dangler

  Darwin Award: Spy vs. Self

  Darwin Award: Failed Frame-up

  Darwin Award: Aim to Win

  Darwin Award: Damned if You Do…

  Darwin Award: Killer Shades

  Honorable Mention: A Medical First at Oktoberfest

  Personal Account: Power Over Plate Glass

  Personal Account: The Man with the Iron Stomach

  Personal Account: Volunteer Fireman

  Personal Account: Bullet-Brain

  Personal Account: BlackCats in the Pants

  CHAPTER 6

  Explosion/Fire

  Pyrotechnics aren’t just for professionals; amateurs frequently find the allure of explosives too great to pass up. With grenades, bombs, dynamite, gasoline, a mine detonator, electricity, ammunition, acetylene, chemicals, methane, lots of fireworks, a fire-breather, a bungee cord, and even a lava lamp, there’s never a shortage of examples for fire-safety courses!

  Discussion: Chicken Little Was Right

  Darwin Award: Chimney-Cleaning Grenade

  Darwin Award: Unsafe and Insane

  Darwin Award: Do-It-Yourself Land Mine

  Darwin Award: “Plug Me In”

  Darwin Award: Workin’ at the Car Wash

  Darwin Award: Rocketing to Glory

  Darwin Award: The Army’s a Blast

  Darwin Award: Human Torch

  Darwin Award: Lava Lamp

  Darwin Award: Amateur Bomb Inspector

  Honorable Mention: Firewalls

  Honorable Mention: Welding Warning

  Honorable Mention: Crotch Rocket

  Honorable Mention: Hot Pants

  Honorable Mention: Exploding Boat

  Honorable Mention: Exploding Outhouse

  Honorable Mention: Flaming Bungee Jump

  Honorable Mention: Cooking with Gas

  Personal Account: Cleaning Solution

  Personal Account: Tight Wad

  Personal Account: Medieval Flambé

  Personal Account: Pocket M80

  CHAPTER 7

  Weapons

  Whether wielded on the right side of the law, the wrong side, or no side of the law at all, weapons tend to bite the hand that feeds them. Guns, grenades, knives, bullets, and axes all hold a grudge against those who abuse them. In the following stories, misused weapons themselves act as judge and jury to mete out their own form of justice….

  Discussion: Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice

  Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise

  Darwin Award: Exploding Ex-Tortionist

  Darwin Award: Shooting Blanks

  Honorable Mention: Shoot ’em Off

  Darwin Award: Slaughterhouse Robbery

  Darwin Award: Sharp Landing

  Honorable Mention: Nighttime Fun with Bullets

  Honorable Mention: Baked Bullet Surprise

  Honorable Mention: Self-Protection

  Honorable Mention: Testosterone, Chickens, and Guns

  Personal Account: Village Idiot

  Personal Account: Gun-Safety Nonsense

  Personal Account: Do What I Say, Not What I Do

  CHAPTER 8

  Miscellaneous

  Some innovative Darwin Awards don’t fall into predictable categories. Enjoy the miscellaneous methods man has invented to bedevil himself, using thallium, an ice maker, trees, scaffolding, a confession, a nail gun, a homemade parachute, chocolate sauce, eletromagnets, an innocent paper-towel dispenser, and an auger—two different ways. They are all examples that one should avoid emulating, if one wants to keep the body’s metabolism running efficiently—or running at all!

  Discussion: The Skinny on Fat

  Darwin Award: Watch Out for That Tree!

  Darwin Award: Bannister to Heaven

 

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