ALSO BY STEVE ERICKSON
The Sea Came In At Midnight
American Nomad
Amnesiascope
Arc d’X
Leap Year
Tours of the Black Clock
Rubicon Beach
Days Between Stations
SIMON & SCHUSTER
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2005 by Steve Erickson
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
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Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN 13: 978-0-7432-6472-3
ISBN 0-7432-6472-X
eISBN 13: 978-1-439-14229-5
“Space Monkey,” text by Patti Smith, © 1978 Patti Smith. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
The lines from “Opal Moon,” copyright 1999 Merrie Amsterburg, are from the album Little Steps, released on Zoë/Rounder Records. www.merrieamsterburg.com
Parts of this novel originally appeared in different form in Conjuctions. I wish to also thank the MacDowell Colony for their generous hospitality and support.
for Lori and Miles
If there’s a higher light
let it shine on me
let it shine on me
through the trees …
’cause I know this sea wants to carry me
it’s a sweet, sweet sound she sings
for my release …
under the opal moon
the world seems right to me
and all that I can say I feel is peace
and oh, the dark night wind
is calling out for me
an obscure pop song of the early Twenty-First Century
… for beauty is nothing
but the beginning of terror
we can just barely endure
Rilke
2004
Sometimes I’m paralyzed by my love for him. He calls me from his bed in the middle of the night and, you know, I can’t resist. It’s the way he calls, not sleepy or frightened or crying, but determined and aware and awake….
Mama? and I can hear the question mark so insistent it isn’t a question … it would break my heart not to answer.
In my heart he opens the door to this vast terrain of fear. It’s a fear stretching out beyond these young years of mine when mortality is supposed to be so inconceivable. How have mothers down through the ages survived their love for their kids? The thought of his mortality is abysmal to me….
One afternoon we were at the fair down by the lakeside, and a vendor had in captivity one of the owls that have invaded the city ever since the lake first appeared three years ago. She was explaining to some other mom’s kid how, far up in the sky, the owl can hear a human heartbeat, and even at that very minute I thought to myself this owl could hear Kirk’s little heart as I stood there holding him in my arms. Could it hear his heart when he was still inside me three years ago? Was that my first betrayal of my boy—his birth, exposing him to the peril of owls that hear heartbeats? Every night I wait for the sun to set before writing this, there it goes now, slipping down
behind the San Vicente Bridge that crosses the lake to the northwest, I see it from my window … sun goes down, sky goes dark, lake goes black, and owls swoop across the rising moon like leaves blown loose from some phantasmagoric tree twisting up out of the ground
and my voice rises from the crypt of my consciousness shaking words off like topsoil. Kirk and I are bonded by a cord of blood that runs from his heart to my thighs. Menstrual waves crash against the inner beach of my belly.
There was this song from before he was born, I heard it on a bus riding Pacific Coast Highway south, blacksea glittering in the sun like gun metal, he was tumbling around and around inside me like he did, thrashing in the cradle of me … and it came out of a small radio across the aisle a row behind me, an older man, college professor-type in a brown corduroy coat gazing out my side of the bus at the sea. It was hot through the window but I liked it after all those cold pregnant months in Tokyo…. I heard it just once, a strange little song with distant Moorish drums and a dreamy Middle Eastern melody and soft spanish horns in the back, and a woman singing in a turn-of-the-century voice … but not this century. Last century. Maybe all turn-of-the-century voices are the same, pure, floating, lost. Like it could as easily have been the voice of either 1920s Paris or bright shimmery twenty-first-century Reykjavik. Spanish horns hypnotized me, the singer’s voice transported me
if there’s a higher light let it shine on me … through the trees
and hearing it just that once, I never forgot it
’cause I know this sea wants to carry me it’s a sweet, sweet sound she sings for my release …
Later after the college professor got off the bus with his radio and the bus continued onward, I went on singing it to myself if there’s a higher light sang it to myself just as much not to forget it as anything, and inside me let it shine on me inside Kirk stopped thrashing, listening. I knew he was listening. Later, after he was born, I would ask if he remembered me singing it to him, and he said he did. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But I would sing it to him before going to sleep, by the window of our apartment, while the nightwind came in off the lake.
Started this journal in Tokyo, stopped when I thought I miscarried him, then started again after I got back to L.A. … that was around the time the lake first appeared, that mid-September three years ago after Kirk was born. Of course it was already there before that, before anyone realized it was ever going to turn into an actual lake, the center near where Hollywood Boulevard used to meet Laurel Canyon Boulevard, nothing more than a puddle the morning it first bubbled up, no one thinking anything about it until however long it was before it cut the canyon off from the rest of the city….
Since the city was in the middle of one of its usual droughts, a lake that appeared from nowhere and kept getting bigger ought to have been a little suspicious—but I guess that’s easy to say in retrospect. “What’s that old machinery out there in the water?” the writer down the hall asked me not that long ago, staring in the distance out his window, and I said, “Pumps from when they tried to drain it …”
As usual Kirk was busy demolishing the guy’s apartment, sitting over in the corner pulling the tape out of a video. “Hey!” I yelled. He stopped long enough to gauge whether this admonition was to be taken any more seriously than any of the others, before returning to the task at hand. “Hey!” I said again, “stop!”
Over by the window, the writer glanced at Kirk unfazed. “When did they try to drain it?”
“I guess when it didn’t, you know, just go away on its own … evaporate or whatever….” As I snatched Kirk up in my arms, he lunged for the video he had just disemboweled, squalling Mine! “No one had figured out yet it was filling up from a hole in the bottom…. Knock it off!”
“They ever figure out whether the water was coming from the sea?”
… no it wasn’t coming from the sea … by then, the edge of the lake had just reached south of Sunset Boulevard. A few weeks later it was almost all the way to Fountain Avenue,
which meant it was only a couple of blocks from our old hotel here at the top of what’s now called the St Jim Peninsula, named after a very fancy hotel up on the Strip I can still see from my window. Kirk and I used to sit watching it during feeding right after he was born, lavender and magenta kliegs on the walls and the Ether Bar where young glam Hollywood drank tequila martinis. But as the lake overtook Sunset, you could see the kliegs go out and darkness move up floor by floor until it was all dead.
Doc says it would have gone anyway of its own volition. Rotted by decadence from the bottom up … as close as I’ve ever heard her come to sounding judgmental about anything, and the only time I’ve ever heard her sound almost glad to see a building die. In the old rundown hotel here where Kirk and I live, some on the first floor have already started moving out. Sometime in that first year, when the city would send boats out to the center of the lake, sending divers down to figure out where the lake was coming from, they referred to it in the newspaper and on the radio as “lake zero”—as in, you know, ground zero. And then at some point it got shortened to Lake Z or, sometimes, Lake Zed.
You’ll spend your whole life,” Doc said when I told her this dream I had, “making peace with your own true nature …”
… whatever that means. In the dream I was on the banks of what was once Laurel Avenue, near the old 1930s apartment where F. Scott Fitzgerald lived when he was writing movies … I was lying there hypnotically fixed on the center of the lake….
Lying there in my dream I was suddenly aware of my own womb predating me. Aware of my womb being older than I … down inside I could hear historical rumors little spasms of collective memory rippling outward up to my lungs and down to my thighs … it infuriated me. It seemed so typical … after all, do men’s dicks predate them? In my dream I rejected it, this part of me that was my son’s first home … and then in a surge of guilt I rejected him. And then realized, in the dream, he wasn’t there. I sprang up from where I was, looking around frantically, from the water in front of me to the trees on the banks behind me … and opened my eyes to find myself sitting up in my bed, in the grip of this maternal dread I can’t ignore….
I never dreamed at all the first seventeen/eighteen years of my life … slipping into the womb of the night every time I slept … dark, still, swaddled in the unseen, the unlistened. Waking every morning knowing I had tumbled down this wormhole of the unconscious into some void, feeling a little more nuts every morning I woke like I spent the night drifting in the black, farther and farther from the mothership of who I am, barely twinkling stars of all my impulses all around me. Feeling even when I was awake that I was really still out there, floating…. Crazy, when I was young, just to have any dream at all, and doing some crazy crazy things in the night to find one. But I never dreamed until that night in Tokyo that I lost him, electric icicle of him melting out of me between my legs onto my fingertips. Then he was back later that morning, I felt his return, my little unborn man who himself had been cut loose in space the night before, drifting far away until somehow, in a burst of embryonic will, he swam back through the tide of Nada in a cosmic breaststroke….
… and since then I dream all the time. Almost never remember the dreams but I know they were there the night before, I can feel them like I felt him that morning he was conceived again inside me, good dreams, bad dreams, mostly dreams that aren’t so certain of themselves. My kind of dreams, in other words.
I used to be fucking fearless, you should know that about me. None of this terror I have all the time now means anything if you don’t know that. Ran away from home at sixteen, traveling with this weird religious-suicide cult for a while, moving down to L.A. and getting into all kinds of situations just blindly, sometimes out of desperation but sometimes because I didn’t have enough sense to be afraid. Lived by wits and recklessness. Went to Tokyo the same way…. I was the most fearless person I’ve ever known. Not a better one and definitely not a smarter one, but … not only didn’t I know there was all that fear behind that door in myself I didn’t know there was a door. Everything was about me … and then you have a kid and not only isn ’t everything about you anymore, in some way too hard to explain, it never was….
No doubt about it my Kierkegaard’s my little wildman. Runs around the apartment naked with his flapdoodle sticking straight out and his treasured balloons flying along behind him, one string in each hand…. Before I had him I had this idea babies were amorphous lumps of human clay that take distinct shape only over time. But he was half-wildman half-zenbaby right out of the chute … before, actually. The weeks after I got back from Tokyo where I worked for a year as a memory girl in Kabuki-cho
we would go down to the lake which at that time was still small enough you could walk around all of it in ten minutes except the part cut off by the Hollywood Hills, and
we would sit watching the water and, other than when I would sing to him … if there’s a higher light, let it shine … it was the only time he settled down inside me, mesmerized by the lake beyond my belly. First days after he was born, when the lake started spreading west down what was then the Strip, we would watch it together from the window of our room while he lay in my arms, and I would think he was asleep and then I would look to see his eyes open and calm, gazing at the lake and—I swear—smiling.
Big Agua he started calling it when he turned two, having picked up the baby-spanish I don’t know where, same place he learned to call the moon luna….
The lake was starting to get a lot of attention then, sightseers coming and going, city officials and geological experts standing around scratching their heads. The first year everyone was kind of enchanted by it, however much disruption it caused schedules and traffic and bus lines. That’s when the gondolas and rowboats came out, sailing in and out of the red light that poured over the hills like a tide of fire bursting the levee of the sun. Charred palms stitched the horizon. A makeshift harbor was built over by the flooded Chateau X hotel. Parasols were in fashion that autumn, women walking the lakeshore with them, twirling them from their boats so on Saturdays this panorama of spinning colored spheres floated above the surface of the lake and in its reflection…. Balloons! Kirk would point when he saw the parasols. While I lay on the grass reading, he would blow bubbles from a bubblewand I bought him … so we blew bubbles together, watching them float to the grass where those that didn’t pop would settle like dew. He would smash them with his foot. “Smash the bubbles!” I would cry, and he would smash them, “Pap,” and then I felt funny, it seemed wrong to encourage him to smash something as delicate as a bubble
pap, pap, pap he would go. One afternoon he blew a particularly large bubble and said out of nowhere, “This one’s for my daddy,” and it caught my breath … he had never mentioned his father before
this one’s for my daddy and the bubble slowly tumbled down through the air before us like a little spinning glass world, and when it landed, it didn’t pop and he didn’t smash it but watched it there on the grass for a long time until it finally popped on its own….
My kid’s beautiful. What else is a mom going to say, right? except that my kid really is beautiful … the minute he was born they held him up for me to look at slackjawed, stupefied—me, not him…. “This child is beautiful,” the nurse assured me the next day in some wonder, and I had finally come out of my fog enough to crack, “Yeah, but you tell all the moms that,” and she glanced quickly over both shoulders to see whatever other mother might be listening in the bed next to mine before she whispered back, “Well, yes, I do. But this child is beautiful” … and so he is. Which he certainly didn’t get from his mother or father, so go figure. He’s a throwback to someone I can’t even begin to know, never having known either my own mother or father…. Don’t know where he got the hair that shines brilliant in the sun or the sea-green eyes flecked with amber, or the sanguine mouth of a mad monk. People’s attraction to him is remarkable … when he was younger I would push him in the stroller around the lake and people would
gawk like there was something slightly supernatural about him, and not just little old grandmothers either. “Hey, cute kid, man!” some tattooed skinhead sociopath would interrupt his mayhem long enough to stop and exclaim.
It worries me he’s this beautiful … not only that some stranger could try to snatch him away, but also for how life might let him get away with too much, given how he’s a wily schemer too, already determined to run the show, musical in his self-assured insubordination. “Nooooooooo please,” he demurs my commands in a lilting singsong voice. Silent defiance comes into his eyes, there isn’t even the slightest submission in him. At the age of three he gives orders all the time, “Do this please! do that please!”—a very polite dictator. “La-la!” he orders at night when I’m putting him to sleep, II Duce’s way of telling me he wants me to sing to him. “More la-la please!” means Keep singing. “Bigger la-la please!” means, Sing louder.
Who’s the boss here, wildman? I ask, and he narrows his eyes for a minute looking in mine, calculating the question, before he points at me and says with a big smile
You are because he knows, you see, he’s already figured out that’s the right answer, even if he doesn’t believe it for two seconds….
… but I decided he might turn out OK one afternoon he was playing with Valerie’s kid Parker, the only other child in the hotel, about eight months younger than Kirk—black, deaf and mute, and Valerie is another single mom who works a tedious job answering telephones for the city, so sometimes to help her out I’ll take Parker for a few hours if I’m free. On weekends she and I and the two kids go down to the lake where they play together … and this one afternoon I saw it … Valerie saw it too….
It wasn’t a big deal. Kirk and Parker each sat in their folding chairs with balloons we had gotten them tied to their wrists, Kirk a yellow one and Parker a blue one, and Parker pulled the string on his only to watch it float up and out over the water … it was a minute before he realized it wasn’t coming back. Then he tried to cry, which was much more terrible than any actual little-kid cry because it was a cry no one could hear … he was wracked by the futility of cries he can’t voice and balloons that don’t return. No matter how much Valerie tried to comfort him, he was inconsolable, until Kirk got up from his chair, walked over, pulled the string of his own balloon from his wrist and handed it to Parker. Parker took the balloon and stopped crying.
Our Ecstatic Days Page 1
