by Rae, Nikki
“I want real food,” I say.
He hesitates but his hand comes to rest between my shoulder blades, like he wants to hug me but is afraid to—I am too. “This will help,” he says into my ear. “This is what your body needs now.”
My stomach growls, hollow and needy at the words. I swipe the mug back and before I can think about it for a second longer, I take a sip…and immediately start gagging. I have to place a hand over my mouth in order to not spit it all over myself. I shove the mug in Myles’ direction and he doesn’t protest in taking it.
“Too strong?” he asks, like I just drank coffee or something.
Strong is a bit of an understatement. It’s thick, warm tar in my mouth. It’s almost impossible to get it down, but I do, too afraid to spit it out.
“God,” I gasp once the metallic taste has somewhat faded. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand because they’ve begun to water.
“Okay.” Myles’ voice is calm as he strokes up and down my back. “We’ll try something else.” He gets up and walks into the kitchen. I hear water running.
Jade takes the opportunity to come closer to the bed again.
“Jade,” I say, though he’s already staring at me.
“Yeah?” His tone is cautious.
My head has begun to pound; my stomach is killing me. “I just want food.” I have to clear my throat before continuing. “Please?”
He glances into the kitchen coming closer. “What do you want?” he whispers.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “Just…something edible and not…not…” I can’t say what it is that I just drank. I know without a doubt as to what it was but if the word leaves my mouth, this whole thing will be too real too fast.
“I get it,” Jade finishes.
Myles is back then, standing at the foot of the bed with the same mug. “She can’t eat food right now,” he tells Jade.
My brother moves closer to my boyfriend now. If he even still is my boyfriend. “She wants food,” Jade says, not trying to conceal his anger. “I’m getting her food.”
Everything is swaying, including them. Mostly them.
Before Jade gets too mad, he steps aside, grabbing what sounds like car keys off of the table near the bed. “I’ll be back soon,” he says to me, quickly kissing me on the cheek before he leaves the room.
Which leaves Myles and I alone.
He sits on the edge of the bed again, but he doesn’t try to get too close. “If you eat food right now, you won’t be able to keep it down.”
“I don’t care.” My stomach gurgles.
He stares at me–into me–for a long time. “Here,” he says, handing over the mug again. “I added water to it. It might be easier that way.”
As I take it from him, I brave a glance down, and it’s exactly what I thought it would be. Deep red, only it swirls in the water, unable to become a part of it completely. I don’t know how long I watch the blood float through the water and wonder if I’m supposed to consume it or not. But that’s a stupid thought. Of course I am. That’s what I do now.
“This isn’t supposed to happen,” I ask finally. “Is it?”
Myles takes in a deep breath.
“I’m supposed to want this,” I say. “I’m supposed to want to eat—drink—this, and nothing else. Right?” When I look back at him, he’s running a hand through his hair.
“It might just be delayed,” he says after a while. “No two people change the same way.”
“But all vampires drink blood.”
He says nothing.
“They all need it,” I say. “Right?”
He nods.
I don’t bother smelling it this time. I just throw back my head and gulp it down.
Though it’s not as bad as it was the first time because it’s thinner, it’s still god-awful. It tastes like I’m drinking saltwater. I can’t get more than two sips down before wanting to throw up.
I shake my head so I don’t have to open my mouth and risk vomiting.
Myles takes the mug from me and sets it down on the end table. “Okay,” he says. “We don’t have to force it.” He seems like he wants to sit down next to me, but he stands, crossing his arms over his chest. “Besides being hungry, you feel okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’m starving, but other than that, I feel great.”
“No more pain?”
“No,” I say. “But this…this not wanting that,” I point to the table. “Could it mean that it didn’t work?”
He smiles a little. “It worked,” he says. “You died. I brought you back.”
“Yeah.” My voice is flat. “I remember that.”
“But...” he says, coming closer and placing a hand on my chest. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable–quite the opposite, actually–I want him to keep his hand there for as long as possible. “Your heart.”
“It’s still beating.” I sound almost as surprised as him.
He presses his hand into my shirt more, like he’s reading something wrong. “It’s weak, but it’s still there.”
“Your heart beats sometimes,” I reason.
“Yeah,” he says, taking his hand away, leaving me feeling slightly colder. “But I’m a lot older than you. My body responds differently. I can breathe, my heart can beat, and I can eat food.”
“Well, I want to eat food, my heart is beating, and…” I give myself a second to take in a breath. “I’ve been breathing this whole time,” I realize out loud.
“This is strange,” Myles finally admits.
Before we can talk about it anymore, Jade is back, the smell of pizza entering the room before he does. I stand up, my legs supporting me fully as I walk toward him and the box he sets down on the coffee table in the living room. As I sit on the couch, I’m barely conscious of the fact that I’ve torn open the box from the middle instead of flipping the lid. The food is hot and almost burns my mouth as I start shoveling it in, but I don’t care as long as my stomach stops hurting.
In between chews, I hear Myles say, “Sophie.” I don’t know where Jade is right now. He’s probably somewhere staring in horror at the mauling occurring in front of him but all I see is pizza. Food. I missed food so much.
“Sophie,” Myles says again, his hand is on my arm and I’m quick to pull away so he doesn’t slow me down. Half of the pie is gone already and I’m not even near being full. “Sophie, you’re going to get sick if you keep eating.”
I swallow a mouthful. I wait a few seconds and look at him, wiping my mouth with the bottom of my T-shirt. Jade is sitting on the other end of the couch, watching the whole thing happen.
“I’m fine,” I say. I don’t feel sick at all, just starved. The blood is what was making me sick. That can’t be right, can it?
Whatever.
Food first, worry later.
No one says anything else until I’ve polished off the entire pie.
“You thirsty?” Jade asks, like I didn’t just eat an entire pizza in less than ten minutes.
I nod.
He opens a two liter bottle of soda and I chug that until it’s empty too.
I take a deep breath when all the food is gone, the coffee table littered with cardboard fragments.
“Do you feel better?” Jade asks.
I look around and the room has stopped swaying. My head and stomach have stopped hurting. Everything is eerily normal. “Yeah,” I say. “I feel awesome now.”
My heart pounds a few extra times as if to draw my attention to the situation.
“You sure?” Myles asks. He cups my chin in his hand, turning my head toward him so he can study my face. I lean away from him.
“Yes,” I snap. Now that I can think somewhat straight, everything that happened before all of this mess comes rushing back. Myles marking me, Stevie dying, Evan biting me. Michael rising from the dead.
I turn to Jade, unable to deal with any of it. “Where does everyone think we are?”
He shrugs. “They’ve been calling, but I’ve…been too
busy to answer.”
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with myself now that I’m okay–at least I think I am–but I think contacting everyone who’s been wondering what happened to me is a good place to start.
“Well,” I say, standing once more. I glance down at my stained pajamas. At first I think it’s blood, but it’s just pizza sauce. “I guess I should change. Then I’m going to find everyone and lie my ass off.” I turn back to Myles. “Any ideas as to what I should say?”
Chapter 4
The Boogey Man
“One life with one dream on repeat. I’ll escape if I try hard enough.”—Marina and the Diamonds
I take the time in the shower to look myself over. Every injury is gone. The ones covering my wings healed so there’s nothing but the ink; the wound on my leg where the fang that originally infected me is completely closed up. The only ones left are the scars I had from before. Before Myles and after him; the new addition being the puffy pink scar on my right collarbone. It’s healing fast but I have a feeling I’ll be able to see it long after it fades away from everyone else.
I spend my time getting dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, slathering sun block on my arms and face. It’s strange how thick the lotion feels on my skin, how cold. Other than that, it doesn’t feel any different than the millions of other times I’ve applied sun block.
Jade and Myles are waiting in the living room when I walk out of the bathroom. Both of them sit on opposite couches, staring at each other. Jade seems like he wants to kill Myles and Myles looks like he wouldn’t fight him if he tried.
“What is it?” I ask.
They both stare at me but Myles is the only one that speaks. “I don’t think you should leave yet.”
“Why?”
He runs a hand through his hair. “You haven’t had any blood. Being around humans could be dangerous.”
Jade shakes his head. “You can’t keep her locked up in here.”
“Do you think I’ll hurt Boo or Trei?” I ask.
Myles opens his mouth like he wants to say more but he also looks tired. Tired of arguing, fighting, and maybe even hurting. He takes a few minutes to answer.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I think your mind is already working on a human level.”
“Then what’s the problem?” I’m already eyeing my trench coat slung over the back of the couch.
Myles stands and slowly walks over to me. I sense that he wants to wrap his arms around me but he thinks better of it, shoving his hands in his pockets. “You sure you feel okay?”
I shrug. How does he expect me to answer that question?
“You don’t have a headache? You’re not hungry anymore?” He pauses. “You don’t have any unusual thoughts?”
I shake my head without even thinking about his questions. “I feel fine.” There’s an empty tone to the words.
“Okay,” he says after a few more seconds. “I know you have to leave.” Myles picks up my trench coat and hands it to me. I take it, my fingers aching for a moment. “But you have to tell me immediately if you start to feel weird, okay?”
I’m not sure what he means by weird, exactly. Weird as in I feel sick or weird as in I just died and the vampire who tried to kill me is still on the loose but let’s pretend everything’s fine?
But I just nod, shrugging on my coat and letting my brother and boyfriend follow me out of the room.
***
I’m too afraid to text or call Boo and Trei, so I decide my best option is to just show up. Myles drives us back to the apartments and Jade sits in the back seat with me. The ride over is silent.
“I’m not leaving you,” Jade says as soon as we enter the building, holding loosely onto my arm.
“Me either,” Myles agrees, coming to stand on the other side of me.
I know they mean well. And I know I’m downplaying everything. A lot. But I just want to see my friends and let them know I’m alive, that I haven’t abandoned them.
“It’s going to look suspicious as fuck if you guys show up with me at their door.” Though my body and mind seem to be coming together slowly, my language skills obviously need more time. They both think about this.
“She’s right,” Jade says first, then to me, “give me your keys.”
I reach into my bag and hand them over.
“I’m going to take a nap,” he announces. “Come wake me up whenever.”
I know his casual attitude is just for show. Inside he must be freaking out, terrified of me, what’s happening to me or both.
I appreciate it as I watch him walk up the stairs to my apartment, leaving Myles and I alone at the bottom.
“I think you and I should talk,” he says after a while. “You know, about everything.”
I stare at my boots for what seems like forever, not wanting to talk, not wanting to look at him, and not wanting to face what either of us has done to the other.
“Whenever you want,” Myles continues.
I want to take off my sunglasses but I like the idea of keeping my eyes hidden when I look up at him. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
He’s staring directly at me, the same way he always does—like he can see through me and gather the information he needs. Only now, I think he actually can. “I want to fix this,” he says.
“I know.” My voice cracks.
Then his hand is on mine, grasping it so lightly that pulling free and walking away would be effortless but I find that I’m too tired. So I let the slight tingle from the contact between our skin spread through my fingers and travel up my arm. I let him pull my hand forward so it’s in between our two bodies.
“I love you,” he whispers.
That’s all it takes to break the contact. That’s all I need to almost fall apart in front of him as I take my hand from his.
I love him too, but now things are complicated. Now love is something that once again, has become something I don’t recognize, and that scares me more than anything else.
“I should go,” I say, not looking back as I head upstairs alone.
My hands are shaking by the time I’m at Boo and Trei’s door. I have to open and close my fists a few times to make it stop. I knock three times but it’s too soft for anyone to hear. So I knock again. This time, I use too much force and it comes out as more of a slam.
I’m not sure if the footsteps I hear coming toward the door are actually that loud or if it’s my heightened sense of hearing allowing me to tune in to it. Either way, I have to resist the urge to turn around and act like I was never here.
Besides, Trei’s at the door before I can hide.
She’s wearing jeans and a tie dye T-shirt with her straight black hair is in a ponytail. I notice that she smells a little like a campfire, like she was burning incense or something, but it’s not a recent smell. I’m almost positive I wouldn’t have noticed that before.
Her eyes go wide when she takes me in.
“Sophie, oh my God,” she says.
I gulp.
Trei grabs my arm and drags me inside, hugging me like I’ve been away at war, and every ounce of apprehension disappears.
“Oh my God,” she repeats into my neck. I can smell the burned wood on her even more now, like I’ve stuck my face in a pile of ashes. “Are you okay?” she asks. “You look awful.”
My body stiffens. Maybe something about me is different. I was stupid to think they wouldn’t notice. But before I can dwell on it, Boo enters the room.
“Where the fuck have you been?” he yells.
I’ve never seen Boo like this. I’ve seen him angry before–many times–but not like this. I’ve never seen that gleam in his eye, I’ve never seen his face get so red, or heard his words come out sharp, like broken glass. It scares me.
I open my mouth to say something, but no words will leave it. Fortunately, he has more to say.
“Do you know how many shows we’ve had to turn down? Do you even care?” Trei shuts the door behind us, leaning against it and st
aring at the floor. “Not to mention how worried we were about you! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I–” I stutter. Boo’s never made me stutter before. “I’m sorry.”
He snorts. “Yeah. I’m sure you are.”
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what I can possibly say to make any of this better.
“You still haven’t answered me,” he says, out of breath and not looking at me. He’s crossing and uncrossing his arms, like he’s about to explode from the inside out and he’s trying to hold himself together. “Where were you? I called Jade and he didn’t know, Myles had no clue–which I don’t believe for a second, and you don’t answer your phone for weeks.”
Now he turns to look at me, stepping in closer. “You were gone for three weeks and didn’t even bother to tell us what you were doing or where you were. That might have been fine when we were back in New Jersey, but this is our career now. You can’t do something like that without uprooting everyone else. You know, your band mates.”
Boo takes a deep breath, winding himself up for more blows. “I mean,” he says, throwing his hands in the air. “The last time I saw you was when we were setting up for the basement show and you just–POOF!–disappear and never explain why.”
I had almost forgotten about the dingy basement and the last time I saw him, frozen because of Michael.
Trei finally unglues herself from the door and busies herself with a pile of laundry on the couch, folding and re-folding a towel three times before setting it aside.
Then Boo’s tone changes so suddenly that this, too, makes me uneasy. “I get it. The whole Stevie thing was–is–hard,” he says. “But we lost him too.”
This is probably the sentence that causes me to unravel. Tears form in the corners of my eyes and spill over without my permission.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. It’s the only thing I can say. Somewhere I know I shouldn’t feel so guilty. It’s not my fault I was infected. It’s not my fault Myles wouldn’t let me leave Evan’s house. It’s not my fault I died and came back.
Boo’s expression softens. “You’re not going to tell us, are you?” Surprisingly, he’s not angry about this. It’s just a realization and nothing more.
