by Rae, Nikki
There’s fifty-two ways to murder anyone.
One and two are the same, and they both work as well.
I find that it’s impossible to keep the mic in its stand, so I take it out. It’s also hard to keep my feet from moving forward toward the edge of the stage, where there is almost nothing separating me from the audience. There are a few security guards in orange T-shirts and a small fence-like barrier I can barely see because there are so many people squashed up against it. It would be so easy to hop it, to become part of that heaving, sweating, pulsing mass of bodies. They each have their own colors. A girl is completely yellow, someone else is green, another purple. They all mix together and separate, sometimes making hues I didn’t even know existed, sometimes turning the color mucky like dirty paint water, depending on how close people are standing next to one another. I only take one look back, scanning my gaze over Boo, Trei, and then Manny. They all nod once in my direction. I have approval.
Two steps and I’m balancing on that barrier. Someone–maybe more than one–grabs my ankles as one of the security guards holds onto the back of my shirt. This should be scaring me. This should be making me feel sick and uneasy. But it doesn’t; I just feel calm. Completely. Someone else grabs a hold of my arm, tugging me forward. I can’t really see one person at any given time. It’s more like a jumble of colors and assorted body parts: a head here, an arm reaching out for me to touch there. I take a step forward and the crowd has me again.
They’re singing along with me. They’re part of this with me. They support my legs and feet as I walk on top of them, into them. A girl is surfing the crowd too, coming right towards me. I can see her lips moving to the words until there’s a pause in them. Then she’s in front of me, holding onto my hand and singing into the microphone when the words pick back up:
I’m sitting in the bedroom where we used to sit and smoke cigarettes.
Now I’m watching, watching you die.
She’s off key and exhausted but it doesn’t matter. There’s that warmth again. And it’s different from the sweat pouring down my back. It’s something I welcome and the more I accept it, the more it flows through me. Up my hand, into my arms, through my neck and into my head. It makes me feel weightless, careless. Before I know it, the song is nearly over and I’m falling, falling, falling. But they catch me. There are a ton of fingers, palms, and faces against my skin. And I want it. I want all of them.
I sink into their warmth, my head spinning, my limbs feather-light. Nothing else matters. Then someone sets off a fire alarm and all hell breaks loose.
***
“Hey,” Jade is saying, but his voice sounds far away. I wrap the blankets around me even more, making sure the curtain is closed all the way before I shut my eyes. If I could, I would get up and leave the bus but I’m too tired.
“Hey.” Another voice. Great. Myles is here too.
Now instead of just physically feeling like I’m being torn in half, I feel the same way mentally as well.
“Boo and Trei told me she was sleeping in,” Jade says. “I tried to get her to wake up and eat breakfast with everyone before we left for the day but she’s not responding to anything I say.”
It’s quiet. Then there are footsteps. Or it could be my head pounding. I can’t tell anymore.
“Sophie?” Myles’ voice is on the other side of the curtain, and then I hear it slide open.
I roll over so I’m facing the wall. “Come on,” he says gently. His voice makes me want to cry. He probably thinks the reason I don’t respond is because I’m mad, but I physically can’t. My mind and body hurt so badly that if I try to force words out of them, I’ll crumble apart.
“See?” Jade says. I can hear his clothing shift, the slight squeak of his jeans. The enhanced sounds go through my head so sharply that I close my eyes even tighter. “Last night she wouldn’t stop crying,” Jade continues. “She wouldn’t tell me what happened. I can’t even guess what she’s going through right now. I’ve accepted that if this is a problem with...her new life...I’m going to have to let you handle it.”
Myles doesn’t say anything for a long time before he says, “I’m sorry, Jade.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Jade practically snaps. “You did this to her, you fix it.”
Another pause.
Sophie. I don’t know how he’s in my head right now but I can’t find it in me to shut him out. The voice is something between a feather tickling me and something else...something that warms a spot on my right temple and spreads outward. It’s almost enough to distract me from my agony.
I don’t know how to concentrate enough to send a message back in the same way, but luckily, after a few minutes, a whisper escapes my mouth. “Go away.”
“I can’t do that,” Myles says. “I’m here to help you.”
I try to snort but it comes out as more of a sigh.
“Can you please face me?”
Maybe I would if I could roll over but my arms and legs shake when I try. It’s so bad that I whimper and I hate it.
“Okay,” he says to himself. “You think you could help her, Jade?”
My brother doesn’t say a word. I just feel his hands on me, lifting me slightly so I’m turning on my opposite side. I try not to cry when each one of my muscles ache at the movement but I can’t help letting a few tears escape before I force them to dry up.
“Can you open your eyes at all?” Myles asks.
Jade keeps his hand on my forearm longer than he needs to before I feel it leave my body.
It takes me about three tries, and my eyelids protest, but they eventually open, burning and aching like someone’s simultaneously punched me and thrown sand in my face. Everything is blurry, obstructed by either tears or pain. I can’t tell those things apart now.
“Can you see me?” Myles is asking. I see his lips move but I have to focus all of my energy on keeping the image clear.
I nod and the bones in my neck feel like they’re about to snap.
“Can you sit up?” he asks. I see Jade step aside so Myles can kneel in front of me.
I swallow barbed wire; I blink a few more times. “Why?” I ask, my voice is cracked plaster.
“Because I have to get you out of here for a little while.”
My head rolls to one side and it takes me a long time before I can position it the way it was before. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Myles looks to Jade for help. Jade gives it. “Come on, Sunshine,” he says, kneeling next to him, like I’m a stubborn child who won’t get up from a nap. “He knows what to do, you should go with him.”
I shake my head, only intensifying the pounding in my temples.
Myles places his hand on my shoulder now, leaning in so he can whisper into my ear.
“Everyone will be back on the bus soon and you won’t be able to handle it.”
I take in a shaky breath.
“Even if you don’t want their blood, you’ll hear every sound their bodies make. Their conversations will be too loud. You’ll feel ten times worse than you do now.”
He pauses but he has more to say. “I know you probably hate me, and I don’t blame you for it. But you can’t do this. You need to let me help you.”
I don’t respond and he snakes his arm under mine so I’m already leaning my full weight into him, sitting up as much as I can inside the cramped, limited space of my bunk.
“No.” I try pushing him away. There’s nothing he can do to make me feel better. Even if my vision clears and my stomach and head calm down, I don’t know if he can fix the rest of it.
“Come on,” he says gently, like the words will break if he uses any more force. “We won’t be gone long, I promise.”
Myles finally gets my feet are on the ground and I’m more outside of the bed than inside it.
“Where’s her coat?” Myles asks Jade, who takes a few steps backward to the main part of the bus where it’s hanging. Jade tries handing it to Myles but he steps aside so my brother can help me
put it on. My arms shake so much that Myles takes a step forward. Slowly, Myles slips my arms into my trench coat as Jade buttons it. Jade reaches into the front pocket and places my sunglasses on the bridge of my nose. It’s achingly familiar to last winter, Myles helping me put my coat on. Only this time, it’s not an outside force that’s trying to kill me, it’s my own body attacking itself. For now, that is. Who knows where Michael is at this very moment, if he’s still on the hunt. One horrible aspect of my life at a time.
Standing is worse than lying down but I could have guessed that. My ankles wobble, my knees bend forward too far when I try to lock or unlock them. My body leans itself into Myles and I want and don’t want it. I won’t admit to myself how good he smells, how the buzzing in my head subsides a little when it’s against his shoulder. I can’t admit to any of that. It’s too hard.
“Where are we going?” I ask when I’ve caught some of my breath. I don’t even know what state we’re in.
For a minute, Myles doesn’t answer. He adjusts my trench around me, the fabric too rough against my sensitive skin.
“Alex has an apartment not far from here.”
I don’t know why we need to go there or how it’ll help anything, but I find my feet moving when he pulls me toward the door.
“Wait,” Jade says.
Myles turns slightly, taking me with him.
“I’m going with you,” he says, closing the short distance between us.
“You have to stay here,” Myles says, his tone matter-of-fact. “Someone needs to cover for her in case they come back before we do.”
Jade licks his lips and crosses his arms, probably running through all of the excuses he could use to come, but in the end I guess he can’t find one that’s good enough because he says, “Are you okay with that?”
It’s directed at me, and it takes a lot of energy to nod back. I don’t know what’s going to happen once I leave this bus, but I’m more afraid of what could possibly happen if I stay on it.
He swallows. “I’ll be here,” he says, defeated. Then, to Myles, “Call me if she’s not okay.”
I’m faintly aware that Myles nods at him before we turn towards the door again but my brain is clogged with his last sentence. Am I okay? When was the last time I was?
Alex’s apartment isn’t far from where the bus is parked in front of a diner. Not that I was aware of most of the walk there. I think I may have made it about a block before my legs stopped working altogether, so Myles had to carry me. It’s still early, so I don’t think many people saw. Even if they did, I can’t find it in me to care.
She lives on the ground floor so we enter the small studio space quickly. I can’t really see anything, but the space is ultra-homey looking. Like a cottage. It doesn’t seem like the place where the lavender haired, latex-wearing Alex would live. Maybe this is the only thing that shows how old she is.
“How is sh–” Alex stops mid-sentence when she takes in my appearance. “Oh no,” she says under her breath. That’s encouraging.
Myles sets me down in a chair in the kitchen. I place my arms on the armrests, cool wood meeting my skin.
Adrienne appears, grabbing Alex by the arm and leading her into a room somewhere at the back of the house so she isn’t staring at me anymore. “I’m fine,” I say.
Myles kneels down in front of where I’m sitting. “Do you really think you’re okay?” he asks, his hands resting on either side of me.
I expect to feel trapped in by him, but I don’t. I feel protected. “Yeah,” I say in one quick breath.
“Okay, then,” he says, taking a few steps back. “If you can stand up by yourself, I’ll leave you alone.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I promise.”
I bend my elbows and brace the palms of my hands on both sides of the chair, shaking before I’ve even make the decision to put any weight on them at all. When I glance up at Myles, he’s waiting patiently, not giving away the fact that he probably knows I can’t do it. Somewhere I know I’m being dumb and irrational. I want to get help for everything I’ve had to go through the past week. But another part of me, the one that I’m going by right now, is too afraid to give in. I don’t want to be faced with more decisions that don’t lead anywhere. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I just want to stand up, walk out of this room, and go back to sleep, where at least the heaviness makes sense. No one is supposed to feel this heavy while they’re awake. It’s better in the dark chasm of sleep.
“Sophie,” Myles says after about my tenth attempt at trying to get up and falling back into the chair. “I think it’s time to stop.”
I shake my head, tears slipping through my clamped-shut eyes. “I’m fine,” I say.
“You’re not.”
“Yes I am,” I argue. “I have to be.”
Though I’m too afraid to look, I can sense that Myles is leaning down next to me once more. “Why?” he asks softly. “Why would you say that?”
“Because.” I have to hold myself together by stopping my words, pausing until I can make sure no more tears come out. After a few seconds, they escape anyway. “I have to be okay because I’m supposed to be okay.”
I take a breath, snot clogging up my nose as my heart pounds faster and faster. “We didn’t do all of this for nothing,” I say under my breath. “It can’t be for nothing.”
Myles lets me cry for a few minutes, kneeling next to me, waiting until I’m done. Carefully, he places a hand on my knee. “It wasn’t for nothing,” he says. Then, after a pause that stretches between us he says, “We’re going to figure out how you’re going to do this.” He stares up at me, finally getting me to look at him. “But you can’t ignore when your body is trying to tell you something now. It’s important that when you feel weird or unsure of something that you tell me...or Jade.”
I hate myself for it, but I lean into him, my tears blurring everything in front of me before Myles’ chest meets my face. I only let my head touch him, keeping my fingers curled around the arms of the chair so they don’t budge and my body betrays me further. Myles loosely wraps his arms around my back, keeping as much distance as he possibly can while we’re touching. I appreciate this more than anything. That and the fact that everything begins to slow down the minute we’re together, as soon as my head is against him. All of the noise stops, there are no random bursts of color popping up in front of my face. I don’t hurt anymore. My heartbeat slows down to something that resembles normal and steady. And for the first time in days, I feel completely safe.
But that can’t be right. How can someone seek comfort in a person who’s lied to them in such a way that they makes you question every single thing that has gone on between you? How can I be calm when there are new monsters swimming up from the depths, waiting for just the right moment to latch on to me and drag me under? When the person I love is the one responsible for setting them loose?
After a long span of time without moving or saying anything, Myles speaks. “Okay,” he whispers. “I think you need help now, don’t you?”
I nod slowly.
He inches away from me, making sure I can hold my own head up without the support his body provided away.
Suddenly, Alex and Adrienne have reappeared from outside. While Adrienne is rummaging through a cabinet, Alex takes a cooler from the fridge, sets it on the counter, and begins to empty its contents. I shouldn’t be surprised that they’re blood bags, carrying shades of thick red substance sticking to the insides. I know that’s not right. I’m a vampire, for crying out loud. By the very definition of the word, I’m supposed to want to drink blood.
I watch Myles stand up to join Alex and Adrienne at the counter so all three of their backs are turned to me. Alex tears open the first plastic bag, and I feel nothing but embarrassment. Disgust. Fear. The colors are back, slamming me in the side of the head and making everything turn brown and then gradually fade into black, then grey, then white. I’m terrified that I’m going to pass out but I’m even more terrified
to open my eyes and face the situation. The hard sound of ceramic on wood makes me jump.
“It’s okay,” Myles says as if he’s just snuck up on me wearing a ski mask. Then he turns back to the counter, where Alex and Adrienne are pouring more blood into more assorted cups and glasses. Adrienne sticks one in the microwave for thirty seconds. Alex adds water from the sink to one, and Myles sets another cup in front of me. Then another. And another.
Every thud or clink reverberates off of my temples and sends shock waves through my spine. The liquid inside all of them is thick, heavy, and dark. I don’t want it near me or in my body. It’s dirty. People walked into a hospital, had a needle stuck in their arms, and their blood pumped out. It’s supposed to stay inside. Inside their own bodies. Not taken out so it can be taken into mine.
“I can’t do this,” I say. Finally, my muscles begin working with me. My limbs lock into place, and I’m able to stand on my shaky legs. All three of them are too fast and I can’t get around them. Adrienne is against the door, Alex is on the other side of the table, and Myles is right in front of me, blocking me in again, our bodies so close I can hear his breathing and he can hear mine.
“Sit back down, Sophie,” he says, his voice giving nothing away but his expression hardening. I probably shouldn’t even see it, but I do. I shake my head, my hands balling into fists at my sides as my eyes dart from Alex, who’s wrapping her hands around the chair in front of her, to Adrienne, who has his palms flat against the door, as if he’s trying to keep someone out instead of in.
Myles’ hands are on my forearms before I can stop him or back away any further. Even if I could, I’d trip over the chair behind me anyway. He moves his head fractionally away from me, and I can tell he’s telling Alex and Adrienne something that I can’t hear. Whatever it is, it causes both of their expressions to change, their eyebrows come together and their muscles to tense up. This too is something I’m not sure is obvious enough for most people to see, but I notice it all as if it were in slow motion. And as soon as the message is received, they slowly back out of the room, not giving me a second glance as the door shuts quietly behind them.
