by Rae, Nikki
Inside it’s dim, even onstage as I leave Myles for sound check. “You excited to go home?” Boo asks when we’re done, waiting backstage for the house music to die down and someone to announce us.
“No,” I say. That’s if I make it home. And even if I do, that’s where everything will slow down once again. Where everything will have time to be questioned and talked through.
“I’m kind of sad too,” Trei admits.
“But it’ll be nice to sleep in my own bed,” Boo says. “And get back into the routine of playing at the club and everything.”
The crowd erupts in applause then, and the curtain parts. Everything is vivid now, and when I play the first few notes of our opening song, I feel it vibrate through my fingertips, in my wrists, arms, and chest, where it settles, waiting to be expanded and shared when I sing.
When I look out into the crowd, the fifty or so people huddled near the stage, or the twenty something sitting at the bar, each one has a different color. Some are just clouds sitting over peoples’ heads, some fill their entire being. I’m not scared this time. I don’t try to fight the blues, yellows, and pinks away. I become a part of them.
The last song of the night is “Colorblind” and we get to it too fast. It’s harder that I thought it would be. Most of the tour I was either distracted by my own problems or just didn’t remember shows we played. Now that I’m here, back in my own world, only thinking about the words, only concentrating on moving my hands against the keys, I don’t ever want to leave again. I make every note count.
I want a world of black
And white
A snowflake
Your face
All
Black
And white.
I look to my band mates as I play the intricate notes to bridge the gap between the lyrics. They smile at me, happier than they’ve ever been. If something happens to me, what would happen to them? Would they play by themselves? Would they quit and get real jobs?
I flip sweaty hair out of my face, focusing even more on the keys. This is my world. There’s no room for thoughts like that right now.
Can we take a photo?
Can we save this time?
Make it all
Black
And white.
I’m no longer afraid to open myself up and be naked in front of all of these people. This–this and Myles–those are the things that make sense right now. Maybe not everything about Myles, but at least I know how I feel. I can’t change it. I never really even wanted to.
Then that’s it. We’re pushed offstage and into the crowd to make room for Honus too soon. I get a little anxious, looking through all of those people, but I can see my brother sitting at a table and Myles, coming toward me, grasping my hand before hugging me.
“You did great,” he says.
“Thank you,” I say, heading to the back of the crowd of people patting me on the back and leaving their color trails behind. Boo and Trei stay near the front of the stage when Honus goes on. They start off the show with a fast one, the guitars and drum warring for attention, both sides only giving way when Manny starts to sing about a mermaid-man who lost his tail to a shark attack.
Myles holds on to me, swaying with me to the music. It’s too loud to speak.
Is Jade okay? I ask.
He brings me in close. Yes, he tells me. We got to talk. I think he’s starting to like me again.
I smile a little, still coming down from my performance high. Good.
Myles spins me around and I can’t stop laughing, smiling. So let’s have some fun for a little while, okay?
He brings me back to his chest, where I feel most at home. We spend the entire Honus set that way, no matter if the songs are slow or fast. We don’t even need the music. We have each other.
Not for much longer.
The voice cuts into me so hard that I have to stop and catch my breath. I look around the room, spotting Boo and Trei near the stage and notice that Jade has finally joined them.
The crowd roars as Honus’ last song ends and the lights go out onstage.
Myles places a hand on my back, asking, “What is it?” just as the audience starts to chant for one more song.
I look up, directly ahead of me at the bar, where there’s a thin man sitting, nursing a drink. He slowly turns his head to us, sunken in eyes and sharp cheekbones.
I grab onto Myles’ arm. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?
His smile fades abruptly from his face as he follows my gaze. He doesn’t say anything when he sees Michael or, hopefully, an empty chair where only I can see Michael.
This place is supposed to be protected, Myles tells me, his hand on mine. He can’t be here.
Myles shoots his eyes to the door. Eric is the protector of this area. He wouldn’t have let him slip through. But. He scans the room. I can’t find him.
What does that mean? I’m aware that my thoughts have taken on a tinge of panic, but I don’t care.
I don’t know.
Myles starts ushering me towards the door but I fight him. What about everyone else?
The crowd is still chanting, on and on in time with my heart, pounding hard in my chest.
I’ll have more protectors station themselves around the club, but we can’t stop moving. If he sees us gathering them together, we don’t have a chance of any of us leaving.
I try twisting away but my feet keep moving in the opposite direction.
Well, where are they–the protectors that are supposed to be so good at keeping him out? I ask. How are they getting here and when? I’m not leaving until I know they’re here.
They’ll be outside in ten seconds. Myles tells me. I told Evan to call them just now.
I want to believe that he can reach Evan’s mind all these miles away, but it’s hard when the evil you’ve been running from is right in front of you.
When I turn my head back to the bar, Michael is gone and I can’t see where he went.
Manny finds us then, sweating and out of breath. “Hey guys,” he says.
“Not now, Manny,” Myles says, unable to hold it in.
When I stare into Manny’s eyes, there’s a red film clinging to his face, like someone threw paint at him. I try to blink the color away, but it doesn’t disappear.
Manny takes my free hand. “He’s here, isn’t he?”
That makes us stop.
I nod.
“Come on,” he yells over the chants of the crowd. He yanks my hand in his direction, pulling us both into the empty men’s room.
“Okay,” he says. “Is there a way out of here that’s not through this door?”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “But do you mind telling me what the hell is going on?”
“Yeah,” Myles says, not taking his hands off me.
Manny is staring at the door. “Pretty sure he saw us go in here, so we can’t count on losing him,” he says, placing his hands on the metal. “But I can keep him out long enough so you guys can get away.”
Myles lets go of me, taking one step forward so he’s standing right next to Manny, who seems to be concentrating very hard on the door. “You can’t protect us,” Myles says, “You’re human.”
Manny snorts. “You vampires,” he says. “Thinking you’re the only ones that can tap into that side of the brain. Jesus, that’s closed minded.”
At that moment, the air in the room becomes heavy, like we’re walking through fog. The door illuminates the tiniest bit. Manny doesn’t take his hands away as a loud slamming occurs outside. “I also made it so the crowd can’t see what’s going on,” Manny explains.
I can feel Michael on the other side of the door before he speaks. “Emmanuel, I am deeply disappointed in you.”
“I can’t do it!” Manny yells. “I won’t help you.”
I watch as the red film around him contracts, turning darker around his head like it’s about to suffocate him. I look to Myles, who is looking right back at me.
“You’re the
one who’s been telling him where I am,” Myles says, taking the words right from my mouth.
Manny turns to us, the red fading, but not going away. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t want to.”
My hands become hot. “Then why did you?”
“He was going to hurt her!” Manny screams. “I couldn’t let him hurt her.”
My mind flashes to a girl with red hair and freckles. The one he told me about, the one who betrayed him. The one he still loves. He’s thought the image directly at me.
“So you helped him hurt me?” Now I’m screaming.
Myles backs away from the door. “We need to leave, Sophie.”
“I’m sorry,” Manny says, out of breath as he turns to the door again. “I don’t want to hurt you either.”
Another pound on the door. “I will not harm your girl now,” Michael is saying. “I only want this one.”
Manny doesn’t respond.
“Sophie,” Myles says, pointing above us to a window. He’s already dumping out the trash can and flipping it over so he can stand on it.
Though it’s able to open, Myles punches his fist through the glass, causing a shattering louder than the banging that’s begun outside of the door.
“Still running?” I hear Michael say from the other side. “You are fortunate to have so many friends, Myles.” There’s another even louder pound on the door, so loud that I’m sure the hinges are about to bust apart or a hole is about to be broken through the wood. Manny seems to be struggling a little bit, his arms out stretched to the door and his fingers trembling.
Myles slides the broken glass away from the window ledge the best that he can before climbing down and motioning for me climb on top of the trash can now.
The banging stops for a minute and Myles and I stare at each other for the longest time.
“It is interesting,” Michael’s voice nearly echoes against the door. “How you are so willing to protect someone you are planning to destroy anyway.” He laughs. “How else are you going to survive my blood, Myles?”
Myles’ hand is still around mine and my eyes are now locked onto his. I can’t move.
“Guys,” Manny says. “You should get out of here. Get to the hotel. You’ll be safe there until you can leave at sunrise.”
“What does he mean?” I whisper, my hand slipping out of Myles’
“Sophie, we have to go,” Myles says, gesturing towards the window. “He can’t hold the door for much longer.”
I gulp. The colors begin flooding my vision again. Red and then brown. They’re so bright that I can barely see Myles in front of me. I can no longer hear what’s going on around us.
“Sophie,” his voice is pleading.
“No,” I say, trying to shake the colors out of my frame of vision.
“Oh,” I hear Michael say. “She didn’t know, did she?” He laughs more. It sounds like a goat being sacrificed.
But before I can let the colors overtake me, come through me and destroy whatever is around us, Myles is standing on the trash can with me, pushing me up and through the window, following me outside. “What about Manny?” I ask.
“He can apparently protect himself,” he says, grasping my hand again. “I don’t know how he knows how to do it, but he isn’t strong enough to protect us while protecting himself. We have to get to the hotel. He begins to pull me forward.
“What does Michael mean, ‘surviving his blood’?”
We pick up speed, flying through the darkness. There’s a hot summer breeze hitting me in the face and I want to scream into it.
I stop him when we’re a little farther from the bar, but we’re not at the hotel yet, just the middle of a deserted street lined with houses with people asleep inside.
“Tell me,” I say evenly, my voice ready to catch fire at any moment.
Chapter 18
Who’s The Monster Now?
“I cannot leave here, I cannot stay. Forever haunted, more than afraid.”–AFI
I didn’t want her to ever find out but now it’s here in front of us and I can’t take my eyes off of her.
“Please?” Sophie asks. “What the fuck was he talking about?”
I want everything to stop. I want to retreat back to the hotel, before this happened and before everything began to break even more, just as I was beginning to hold it all together the best that I could.
I turn back to Sophie and her eyes are tearing. “Tell me,” she says weakly.
I take a step forward and she doesn’t move away. “I can tell you later, “I say. “There isn’t time now. You’ll get hurt.”
She lets out an exasperated breath. “Why does everything come down to that?” she asks. “Why is it that every time I get too close to solving my own goddamn problems, I’m told that I’ll get hurt?”
She clenches her fists at her sides and I can feel her anger deep in my chest as if she’s punched me there. I can also feel something else below that, something red and warm. It’s not like the anger I’ve felt from her. It’s something I felt what seems like centuries ago, but it was only last year. She loves me. Her anger is coming from fear. Because if I’m infected and she’s a vampire, she’s going to live a long time without me.
“We have to get out of here,” I tell her. “Please.” I grab her hand and instead of letting me pull her, she switches directions and pulls me forward.
Sophie drags me through the darkened street where a bulb has gone out. Through endless suburban streets. At first, we’re too slow. She speeds up a little but I know she can run faster. We come to stop on a busy street where cars are passing by, people are talking and drinking in bars.
“What was he talking about?” Sophie repeats.
Without consulting me, Sophie hails down a cab and we’re sitting in the backseat.
She tells the driver the name of the hotel, but my head is buzzing so I only hear her when she says, “If you could go fast, we’d really appreciate it.” Her tone is pleasant. “We’re really late.”
The driver turns around in his seat and we start moving.
You’d better tell me right now. Or I’m going to set this car on fire.
You don’t mean that. You’re just angry. And scared.
Are you infected? The way she directs the question at me makes me hold onto the door handle. I feel like she could throw me out of the cab by force of will.
Keep in mind that we’re in a moving vehicle with a human driver at the wheel, I tell her. That if something happens to him, he could hurt a lot of people and himself.
She seems to calm a little bit at that. Okay. She looks up at me, her eyes glistening in the dim light. Can you please just answer me? Are you...are you infected?
I go over how I should word it in my mind. How to tell her the last thing I was trying to keep her from finding out. But in the end I just answer: Yes.
I hear her take in air. I hear her heart beat against her ribcage, desperate and trying to escape.
“What?” She says out loud in a horrified whisper.
“Shh.” I wrap my arm around her so the driver can’t see her face in the rearview mirror.
The rest of the drive is quiet. Neither of us says anything and we both stay out of each other’s heads. When we’re finally let out of the cab ten minutes later, I pay, and the driver leaves us alone on the side walk. It’s midnight and neither of us know what to do.
Sophie falls to the ground as soon as the cab is out of sight, her knees making a hard knock against the cement but I doubt she even feels it.
“We need to get inside,” I try to urge her. “We can talk once we’re there,” I say, kneeling down with her when she doesn’t move or take her gaze off of the crack in the sidewalk in front of her. “It isn’t safe here.”
Sophie doesn’t move for a long moment, only shifting her eyes upward to my own. “No,” she whispers. “No,” she says again, this time, a little bit louder. One of her fists smashes against the cement. “No, no, no.” She continues, punctuating each word w
ith the resounding pound of her knuckles against the sidewalk.
I am frozen in place. Once again, I’ve done it. I’ve done this to her. I’m the one hurting her because I’m keeping things from her. Now that every last lie and secret is out, I don’t know if she can ever be repaired again. I start to hear the sidewalk break apart under the weight of each blow. The crack she has been staring at since she kneeled down has grown. When I start to smell blood, I take her hands in mine. I can feel the muscles in her arms and fingers protesting against me.
I take my chances of being burned alive or thrown into the street by her mind and wrap her up in my arms. It’s the only thing I can think of that will make everything stop. Not that any of it will. It never will. And I started it all.
“Let’s go inside,” I whisper in her ear. “We can talk there.”
She shakes her head under me but she isn’t saying no to my suggestion. She’s saying no to all of it.
Sophie pushes me away and I let her. “No,” she repeats once more, wiping her face and leaving a trail of blood from her knuckles on her cheek. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me that you’re either lying or that there’s some kind of sick joke behind all of this because on top of everything else, this cannot be happening. It just can’t.”
I take a second to gather myself before I can gather her. Manny can’t hold Michael off forever and he’ll eventually find out where we’ve gone. If we can stay inside the protected hotel at least until daylight, we can get back on the bus and continue moving, until we get back to Club Midnight. Until I figure out what to do.
“Sophie,” I say, trying to remain gentle.
I didn’t want to do this, but right now, she isn’t leaving me many other options. I can’t worry about trying to fix things right now, I have to worry about holding them together. Her eyes slowly trail back up to me as I stand. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what I need to do next. I channel everything I want into one sentence in my mind first. Right now, all I want is for her to follow me into the building. Other than that, I can’t count on wanting anything else, like her to forgive me, maybe forget that she knows I’m infected.
