by Rae, Nikki
Myles moves away from me a few inches. “It’s not worth the risk,” he says. “I can’t knowingly put you into harm’s way like that. I don’t even know if there’s a way for you to come back from it.”
“Myles.” I become aware that my voice has taken on a pleading tone to it and I hate that. “I think it could work.”
He grabs both of my hands and places them against his chest. “No,” he whispers, his voice soft yet demanding. “I won’t do that to you.”
“No,” I say, getting defensive. If I’m not careful, the colors will start to flood my vision again, making me blind to everything else that’s going on. Part of me wants that. But this is more important right now. “The better thing to do is continue to be infected so your vampire girlfriend who can’t die can watch you slowly waste away, just like you have to watch Ava and Evan die.” Now there are tears in my eyes, white and hot. They cool almost instantly against my cheeks. “That’s the right thing to do.”
Myles engulfs me in an embrace so tight that I can barely process it. We’re so close. Skin to skin.
“It’s going to be okay,” he says. “No–” he interrupts himself. “I know that it’s not always going to be okay. I can only promise that the time we do have left will be spent trying to make you love me again. So I can spend the time I have with you, teaching you everything you’re going to need to know...” He can’t finish.
I can: “When you’re dead.”
We’re both crying now. I take his head in my hand and wipe one of his tears away. “You saved my life,” I say. “Why won’t you let me at least try to save yours?”
Myles squeezes his eyes shut for the longest time. Then he shakes his head. “Because I’m still trying to save yours,” he says. “I won’t kill you while there’s already someone else trying to do that.” The last part is meant to be some kind of dark joke but the humor is lost on me. It fizzles in the air like smoke from a stale firecracker.
“So what am I supposed to do?” I ask. I try to sit up, but he only wraps his arms around me tighter. I give up trying to move. Holding myself together is hard enough right now without fighting him too. “Keep running from Michael my entire life? Keep running, even after you’re gone?”
Myles sniffs, and there is the longest stretch of silence before he gathers enough strength to speak to me again. “I don’t know,” he says, defeated. “I’ve tried everything I can think of, and I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
His voice cuts out and I know it’s because he’s upset. I can’t take it anymore. I have to move away before this entire situation consumes me.
“I’ve killed you already,” he says under his breath. I don’t think it’s meant to be said out loud, but it’s out in the open, in the small space between us. “The moment I walked into your life and interfered, I killed you. It’s my fault.”
I shake my head. “No,” I whisper back. “Even if that were true, you’ve given me so much more.”
I think about who I was before Myles entered my life. How broken and sad I was, just trying to keep my head above water. Then he came in and changed it. He gave me something solid to hang on to, not so he could save me, but so I could pull myself out of the waves. How could I regret any of it?
I rest my chin on his bare shoulder, giving up on trying to reason with any of this. I trace my fingers around the edge of the scar on his neck. My mark. My fingertips tingle and my palm becomes hot. I like how that feels. “You haven’t killed me,” I say into his throat. “Not yet.”
“I think my blood is the only thing you can drink,” Myles says, as if suddenly realizing it himself.
“I think so, too.”
Neither of us moves, neither of us says the logical conclusion of events: that either way, we’re both dead.
***
My phone buzzes across the room, from inside my pants which lay abandoned on the floor. The sudden noise makes me jump and Myles places a hand on my back to steady me as he reaches for it.
The time on my phone reads 3 AM. How could all of that happened in such a small span of time?
There’s a text from Manny: You okay, Pinky? I’m so sorry.
I’m too tired to text him back but I don’t think I’m mad at him, as ridiculous as that sounds. How can I be when Michael is threatening the life of the person I love too? I know I’m getting desperate enough to sacrifice anything, so why should I fault him for doing the same?
Then there’s a text from Jade: Are you okay? You just kind of left.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him, so I just put: I don’t know.
Myles shifts next to me as he leans against the bed. It’s hard not to stare at him, at all of him, or think about how he won’t be here because of me.
Jade messages me back a few seconds later: Can’t sleep. Want to meet me? Not to talk about it or anything...just to hang.
I know what he’s doing. Trying to get me to leave so I–we–don’t have to think about any of this shit that’s going on.
“Are the protectors here?” I ask Myles at the same time I text Jade: Where are you?
Myles closes his eyes for a moment, like he’s listening for something.
Jade says: The lobby. You?
I text: Myles’ room.
“They’re at the bar and all over the hotel,” Myles answers. “Ten of them here, five of them there.”
I text Jade: Let’s stay here. Meet me in my room?
Jade doesn’t answer for a long time after that.
“Are Boo and Trei here?” I ask, my heart beginning to pound again. “And what about Manny?” I ask.
Myles tilts his head up at the ceiling but I can tell he’s not looking at anything, only concentrating. “Everyone is in the hotel,” he says. “Boo and Trei are in their room, Manny’s talking to one of the protectors. Everyone’s safe.”
“For now,” I say.
“For now,” Myles agrees.
My underwear is the closest thing, so I put them on first.
Jade finally gets back to me: The coffee here sucks. I’m heading to the place down the street, want anything?
The phone falls from my hands as I throw on the rest of my clothes. “Jade’s leaving,” I say.
Myles doesn’t say a word as he finds his clothes too.
Chapter 20
Dig a Hole
“The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on. He took a face from the ancient gallery and he walked down the hall.”—The Doors
Myles finds four protectors in the lobby and tells them to follow us. There are three men dressed as business men and one woman who looks a little bit older than me. They run to the coffee place with us, but when we get to the door, there’s no one inside except a waitress filling ketchup bottles. She asks us how many we are, grabbing menus from the counter, but we’re gone before she can turn back around.
Now I don’t know where I’m supposed to go. Part of me realizes that maybe this is all for nothing. Maybe Jade is okay and nothing bad is going to happen. But the bigger part of me knows that can’t be true. Michael is here and he wants me dead. Now that he finally has me, he’s not going to spare anyone until he gets what he wants.
Stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. Sitting in a hotel room with my boyfriend, worrying about how long he and I have left when all of this other crap is going on. When my friends and family are in a bar miles away where Michael was trying to kill me. I left them all there to be with him. I let my brother slip through my fingers when it would have been easy to hang on to him, had I been thinking at all.
Myles brings me closer behind the coffee shop. “Stop,” he says, having heard every pathetic thought that wormed through my head. “We’ll find him.”
“Did he say he was on his way there or that he was already here?” one of the men in suits asks. He’s calm, not out of breath the way I am.
“He was on his way,” I tell him. “I think.”
“Okay,” he says, a reassuring smile on
his face. “Maybe he isn’t here yet.”
He turns to one of the other men and motions to them. The other man leans his palms against the wall, and I can see a faint trail of light trickle into the stone.
“We can’t just stand here,” I say. “We’re wasting time.”
Myles lets me pull him forward even though I have no idea where I’m going. I walk past the building, down the street until the street ends and there’s nothing illuminating the ground beneath our feet; but I can still see. “Do you feel him, Sophie?” Myles asks after a little bit.
When I turn to him, I notice that two protectors are standing behind him: one of the men and the woman. “What?” I ask.
“Jade,” Myles says “You’re related, so you might be able to sense him if he’s nearby.”
“How the hell do I do that?” We’re entering the woods now. I don’t want to go in there but I feel like I should. I can’t stop walking.
“Listen for him,” he says, and his voice is right in my ear. He’s come even closer, despite how fast we’ve been moving this entire time. “Don’t think about anything else that’s going on. Just what Jade’s seeing, what he’s feeling.”
I finally stop walking. “I don’t understand,” I say, the panic rising in my chest and voice. I close my eyes anyway, trying to think of a place where my brother could possibly be. I can’t be walking in the right direction. He wouldn’t go into the woods at three in the morning. Especially when he said he was only getting coffee. That’s something I would do. Not Jade. He’s rational. Even if he was having some kind of breakdown, he’d go and sit down at that same coffee shop he intended to sit down in and silently go through it. Yet…
“He was here,” I say, looking at the ground. “He was taken here.”
“How long ago?” The woman asks.
“Like I fucking know.” The words fly out of my mouth. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t know.”
The woman seems unfazed and starts touching trees, with purpose, like she’s looking for something.
Myles makes me turn to him, holding both of my hands in his. “It couldn’t have been that long ago,” he says.
There are already tears in my eyes. “He’s going to kill him,” I whisper.
I see Myles’ lips move as he says, “I won’t let that happen,” but I don’t hear it. What I hear instead is Michael’s voice, and he says: yes, I will.
When I turn around he’s there in the dark, only I can see him as if the sun were out, blazing down on all of us.
And he has my brother around the neck.
I take a step forward, away from Myles and toward them, but Michael backs up, placing pressure on Jade’s throat, causing his eyes to go wide.
Myles grabs my arm and I pull away. He can’t hurt him, can he? I ask. With the protectors here?
I...don’t know.
I turn to the man in business clothes. “Do something,” I yell.
But he’s staring at Michael. “We can’t,” he barely says. “The decision was made before we were able to shield the area.”
I don’t know what that means and I don’t care. The only thing I’m hearing is that they can’t help us when Michael has my brother and he’s going to kill him if someone doesn’t do something.
Jade tries to say something to me but he can’t breathe. “Let him go.” My voice is frantic.
Michael loosens his grip just enough to let air into Jade’s lungs, which he takes in gulps.
“No,” he says, his lips so close to my brother’s face.
Myles steps forward, but I hold out my hand to stop him, afraid Michael will choke Jade again. “He has nothing to do with this,” Myles says. “Leave him.”
“You want me, right?” I ask, tears making my voice tight. “I’m here,” I say, stretching my arms out. “I’m here and...and I won’t run, okay? Just please don’t hurt him.”
He laughs to himself. “Get rid of them.” He motions his head to the two protectors behind us. “And I will let him go unharmed.”
I turn to them and they shake their heads.
“Let them stay,” Michael says. “And I will hurt him for every minute they remain here.”
To prove it, Michael takes my brother’s hand and begins squeezing. Until I hear something snap and Jade screaming.
“No!” I’m screaming too now. My hands and head are filled with heat and Myles has to hold me back so I don’t rush forward.
Myles turns to the protectors. “Leave,” he whispers.
I don’t look away from my brother, who is trying to catch his breath, but they must walk away because Michael lets go of his hand and loosens his grip. “There,” he says.
“Okay, they’re gone,” I say, looking back to make sure all that greets me is an empty row of trees. “Let him go now.”
Michael doesn’t move.
“Please,” I say, bile rising in my throat.
He stretches the thin skin over his lips, and his fangs are out. “No.”
The grip he has on Jade’s neck tightens once again and my brother’s face contorts, but he manages to open his eyes through the pain. I try for the first time to get into his head and find it incredibly easy.
Let him, he thinks. It’s not directed at me but he thinks it nonetheless. Let him take me and end it.
All of this happens in a matter of milliseconds. Time stands still and expands at the same time. He’s not going to let Jade go. He’s not going to let any of us go. He just wanted to give me the false hope that he’d be okay. But things aren’t okay and things aren’t ever going to be. Not as long as Michael is here. Not until I’m dead and he has what he wants.
It’s even easier reaching into Jade’s head and telling him what he needs to know: Don’t hate me.
His eyes bulge even more when he looks at me. He’s received the message.
I press my palms, hot and weighted to Myles’ arms, and I feel him fall away from me. I don’t want to hurt him, but there’s no time and no other way. My anger and fear are enough to fuel me. Enough to leave Myles on the ground. Enough to push my brother out of Michael’s grasp before he sees me coming. Before he sinks his fangs into my brother’s throat.
Everything turns white and this once, I’m certain of where it’s coming from. Me. It shoots out of every pore, every limb and every fiber. I am light. I am what will save the people I love. I can do this and I am meant to do this. If I don’t, no one else will.
The euphoric feeling of being the hero is crushed when there’s a ripping at my own throat, in my own body. Michael didn’t notice that Jade and my positions switched, or if he did, it was too late to stop himself. His thoughts pour into me without much effort, though they’re disjointed and sparse. This is not right...not what I wanted...not...
I hear Myles in my head. No. And then out loud, “No.”
I feel that he’s near, trying to break through the wall I’ve built around Michael and me, but it’s no use. He can’t stop it and I don’t want to. All I want is for things to finally be okay. I’m the only one who can do that. For myself. For Jade. For Myles.
Michael realizes what’s happened in seconds of course, but he’s too late to stop me. He can’t break free of me. I am stronger than any monster. I will break him and make him wish he never walked into our lives. I will destroy him until there isn’t anything left but an ugly memory of him.
Let go, let go, let go. His thoughts are frantic now. He can’t control them any more than what is happening to his body.
I reach my hand up and place it on his head. He tries to shake me off but I don’t budge. I know what I’m supposed to do.
I let the light flood from my palm into his hair, into his scalp. The blackness in him will be overtaken by my light. I will not stop until every dark part of him has been dried up, spit out and expelled from his being. He will not harm anyone ever again. He will not make anyone else suffer. It’s my turn.
The darkness begins to flow into me. I can feel it overtaking my head, my neck, centering
on the place his fangs are embedded in my throat.
Michael’s thoughts change now. They’re pleading. They aren’t evil.
He isn’t evil, I realize. Not now. Just scared. As scared as he’s made me. As scared as he’s made Myles. I don’t want to die, I don’t–I can’t let her kill me.
There isn’t a point in that is there? There isn’t a point in killing someone who was once evil but isn’t anymore. There is no point in harming someone who has harmed you.
My body begins to feel heavy with the weight of him–the old him that inhabited his body.
The strangest things begin to happen next.
A little boy with blond hair is running behind the blackness of my closed eyes. “Please stop!” he cries. He’s terrified of something chasing him through the woods. He trips over sticks and wet, dead leaves. I can smell the dirt on him. I can smell his tears.
Then the image changes to Michael. The man who is killing me yet afraid of dying. He’s huddled over a deep dark hole in the same woods. I can smell the same dirt and the same salt of tears on him.
I’m snapped back into the present situation when Jade screams my name but I can no longer open my eyes. There isn’t anything I can do to make him forgive me.
Michael is killing me, but he won’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to end.
“Wrong,” I hear Stevie’s voice come from next to me. My eyes still haven’t opened but he’s materialized, an unhappy smile stuck to his face.
I realize that now I’m looking at him as if I was outside of my body and standing next to him. Because that’s all it is now. A body without me in it. My eyes are open now and I don’t think I like what I see.
Michael is leaning down in the dirt over me, breathing heavily, trying to spit what’s left of my blood out of his mouth. “What have I done?” he whispers.
