by J. M. Walker
“So if it’s yours, they would sue you for full custody and take your money?” Officer Charles asked, disgust coating his voice.
I nodded and turned around. “Claire was working under the influence of my mom. I don’t know what else happened or what else she did, but Claire was never very stable to begin with. I…” I swallowed hard and looked at Evvie.
A jealous fire filled her gaze before she turned away.
“I don’t know much about her. We never talked.” Our relationship was purely physical and that disgusted me even more but it was my past. She was my past. Evvie was my current and my future.
Officer Charles nodded and rose to his feet. “We’ll check her out.” He walked to the door and looked at me over his shoulder. “I know she put you through shit, but I am sorry for your loss.”
I scrubbed a hand down my face as the sound of the door shutting reigned around the room.
The scent of lavender and vanilla filled my nostrils as Evvie approached me. “I’m so—“
“Don’t.” I shoved past her and paced back and forth.
“Brett, I am—”
“Evvie, damn it. Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear how sorry you are for my loss because you know what? I’m not fucking sorry. I’m glad she’s dead.” As the words left my lips, I felt whole. New. This honesty shit was paying off but I still felt sick. My body vibrated. I was wound tight like an elastic, ready to snap at any moment.
“Let’s go home.”
I spun on her. “Home? Why?”
She frowned. “What do you mean, why? You can’t work under these circumstances. You need time. You need to heal.”
“Heal?” I yelled.
Evvie jumped, her jaw clenching. “I’m just trying to help. You don’t have to be an asshole.”
“I am an asshole, Evvie. I’m a dick. Because of that evil bitch, I’m a sadistic bastard but you like it, don’t you?” I said, taking a step towards her. “You like that dark part of me that I can’t control.”
Evvie backed up to the wall. “I understand that you are upset.”
A cold menacing laugh escaped my lips. “No. You don’t understand. Evvie, I am glad that my mother is dead.” I shook my head. “And that scares the shit out of me but what scares me more is that you want to be with me. I’m a cold hearted prick but yet, here you are. Why? Why, Evvie?” I demanded.
“Brett, you’re scaring me.”
“Divorce me.” My jaw clenched as soon as the word left my mouth. I didn’t want a divorce but I would do anything for her. She deserved better. I had finally accepted and trusted that she wouldn’t leave me. Why was I now doing this again? Oh yeah. I was fucked in the head.
“Excuse me?” Evvie gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth.
“You deserve better than me,” I bit out. “You deserve a man that your mom would have approved of.”
Evvie’s back stiffened and she took a step towards me. “No. Don’t you fucking dare do that again. I love you. My mom would have loved you.”
“Please,” I scoffed.
“Listen to me, Brett.” Evvie pushed me, her eyes dark with fury. “My family has no right. No right at all to say anything about you. My dad has been in and out of jail my whole life over shit. For what? I have no idea. I’m the only girl of the family so they would never tell me but I know that he got into some illegal dealings after my mom died. He was desperate. My brother, Ethan, same thing. He just doesn’t care. Evan? Douchebag from hell but I love him dearly. Everett.” Her eyes welled. “I’m closest with him but I feel like I don’t even know him anymore.”
Guilt ate at my gut but it wasn’t time. She would be thankful in the end when she found out what Everett and the rest of her family had been doing for the past couple of weeks. She thought they were ignoring her when really, they were doing everything in their power to make her happy.
“I want this pain of not knowing where to go from here, or how to move on, to go away,” I blurted. “I want…I want to feel normal. My nightmares make me feel dirty when I wake up with a raging hard on. I can’t…I can’t control it. Evvie, I…”
She wrapped her arms around my waist, holding me tight. “Time. Time is the only thing that will make this easier. As for you waking up from your nightmares hard, Matteo said it’s a sexual disorder. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“There is when I attack you,” I mumbled.
“Stop.” She pushed out of my grip. “We are not doing this again, do you understand me?”
My jaw clenched and unclenched. “Fine.”
She laughed. “Fine? Really? That’s all you have to say. After all of this.”
I shrugged.
“No, you don’t.” She pointed her finger at me. “Get out of your head. Don’t you dare close up on me again, Brett.”
“I can’t…” My vision blurred, white spots danced before my very eyes. The room spun unexpectedly.
“Brett.” Evvie’s voice was firm as she gripped my shirt.
My chest constricted, my heart racing a mile a minute against my ribs. “I can’t…I can’t breathe.” I gasped for air, ripping at my collar.
The last thing I remembered was my wife’s scream.
TEN
“I love you. So so much, my sweet husband. You are my rock. You’ve taught me so much. Please. I beg you. Come back to me. You were doing so well. You’re strong. Without me you are…strong. With me, you are a true warrior.”
I wasn’t. At all. No strength coursed through me. I was a timid pansy assed pussy. My strength? It was all a fucking act.
“No, it’s not. You are strong.”
I frowned at my wife’s voice. I was dreaming. Wasn’t I? I looked around and saw nothing. Pure black darkness. I felt nothing. I touched nothing. I was…nothing.
“Brett. My love. My big strong Dominating husband.”
Evvie’s words whispered in my ear, caressing me, easing my racing heart. The only thing I felt was my love for her. She controlled me. She owned me. I was hers before I even knew it. I never thought it would be possible. She was the only woman I would fall at her feet for.
“There is nothing wrong with submission, my husband. You’ve taught me that.”
Why are you in my dream? I thought the words but no sound left my lips. This was different than a nightmare. I felt…stuck. Like I couldn’t get out. Maybe I didn’t want to.
“Don’t think that. You have to. You have to come back to me. I need you.”
You’re better off without me. You deserve better.
“No, that’s not true. I’m a grown woman. It’s my choice to say what is good for me and what is not good for me.”
I just want you happy.
“I am happy. With you and only you, baby.”
I—
“I’m sick, Brett.”
I gasped for breath, my gaze landing instinctively on my wife.
Her usually bright blue eyes were dark as tears streamed down her face.
I sat up, looking around at my surroundings. I was on the couch in my office still but Kane and Matteo were there. I frowned. “Is this some sort of intervention and shit?” I asked, my voice coming out raw.
“Brett, you were passed out for an hour,” Matteo said, sitting across from me. “Evvie couldn’t wake you so she called me.”
I pulled Evvie into my arms, wrapping myself around her. Never needing the touch of her skin against mine more than now, I pushed my hand under her shirt. Caressing her back, I leaned into the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry,” I murmured over and over again. “Forgive me. Please.”
“It’s not your fault.” She hiccupped. “But you’re scaring me. I’m terrified for you.”
My eyes burned with unshed tears, my throat closing up. “Fix me. Please.”
“You just found out some traumatic news, Brett. Even though your mother abused you, she was still your mother and she was murdered. That’s a huge fucking thing to deal with.” Matteo started goi
ng on about sexual disorders, PTSD some more and some other shit but all I could focus on was the feel of my wife. Her touch. That’s what I needed. No clothes. No barriers. No sex. Just skin against skin.
“Brett?” Evvie went to pull away but I held on.
“No. Please, just…let me touch you,” I whispered.
“You need to talk,” Kane suggested, clapping a hand on my shoulder. “Boss, please.”
Hearing my large bouncer beg made my stomach clench with unease. I took a breath. “I passed out and I had a dream. I couldn’t…I couldn’t get out until…” I looked at Evvie. “Are you sick?”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
I cupped her face in my hands. “Are you sick? Tell me, please.”
Her gaze searched my face. “I was feeling under the weather but…”
My hands roamed over her body, pulling, tugging at her clothes, checking for something. For what, I wasn’t sure but I needed to know that she was okay.
“Brett, stop. I’m fine,” she pleaded, smacking at my hands.
“No. Something is wrong. I can feel it.” That’s it folks, I was losing my fucking mind. A voice in my head told me that my wife was sick and I believed it? Maybe I should commit myself.
“I’m fine. Honest, baby. Please, stop.” She grabbed my hands and kissed my knuckles.
“Boss, stop. She’s fine.”
“No.” I spun on Kane.
His pale eyes looked between us both and he huffed. “Tell him, Evvie.”
Her gaze widened. “Kane.”
I looked back at my wife. “What? Tell me what, Evvie?”
She sighed, her shoulders slumping. “I went to the doctors.”
“Okay.” My heart raced. “And?”
Tears welled in her eyes and she looked away. “I’m pregnant.”
The floor felt like it was pulled from under my feet. Luckily I was sitting or else I would have fallen right on my ass. She had wanted a baby so bad since losing our first one but I could hear it in her voice. Something was wrong. “But?”
With a shaky breath, she met my gaze. “I have endometriosis. It’s very unlikely that I’ll be able to keep this baby.” At that point, the tears flowed freely down her face.
I pulled her into my arms and held her as she shook against me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered into her hair.
“You have enough going on and I thought it was just the flu but there’s something else.”
I pulled back. “What?”
“I never lost the baby. The first one, I mean.”
My eyes widened. “Excuse me?”
“I was having a miscarriage but something happened to make me not lose it. I don’t know. The doctor said that it can happen.”
“You…you never lost the baby?” My voice cracked. I was vaguely aware of Kane and Matteo leaving the office, saying something about them coming back in a bit.
Evvie shook her head. “No, my husband, but…”
I fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around her. Lifting her shirt, I grazed my fingers over her lower belly. The tiniest bump curved under the skin of her stomach. I never even noticed. “How far along?”
“About four months but, Brett—”
“No,” I snapped. “No buts. This baby is mine. Ours. It’s strong. Like its mother and father. It will survive, you hear me?”
A sob escaped her lips. “I don’t want to fall in love again and get my heart ripped out.”
I kissed her belly. “It won’t happen.” I didn’t know how I knew this but I could feel it deep in the pit of my very soul, this baby would make it. Brushing my mouth along the soft skin of her stomach, I placed light pecks along her smooth abdomen. My baby. Mine. The Alpha Dominating side of me wanted to make love to Evvie and show her how happy I was that she was carrying something of mine. A piece of me. But if she already was having difficulties, I could wait the rest of the pregnancy before ravishing her completely.
“Please, Brett. Don’t get your hopes up.”
I couldn’t help it. My hopes were up. If I thought before that I had nothing left to live for, I learned in the past couple of months that now, I had everything to live for. Evvie and now our baby. Our baby.
I didn’t pray. I didn’t go to church. I wasn’t into the religion thing, clearly with all the shit I had done but I believed in a higher power. There was just no way that there wasn’t a higher being. Things that humans couldn’t explain happened constantly. Something was out there. I knew that now more than ever.
For the first time in my thirty years of existence, I prayed.
Thank you.
It’s been two months since you told me that you are pregnant with my baby. Or still pregnant for that matter. The bump on you is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen and I couldn’t be happier. The doctors have told you that it’s a miracle but the baby is fine. Healthy. Strong. Our baby is strong, my sweet Evvie. You are strong. The strongest person that I know. I don’t know how you did it. Taking care of your father and brothers and now me. The strongest set of knuckleheads ever to exist. But you did it, lover. Your mom would be so proud.
You have taught me to believe. I believed before but now I believe more so. I can’t explain it but I knew from the moment you told me that you were carrying my child, that everything would be fine.
You have a glow. Although you complain that none of your clothes fit, I think you the sexiest thing alive.
As much as I want to touch you, we have both agreed that sex is out of the question until after the baby is born.
Funny thing has happened that I just realized. I haven’t had a nightmare since. I feel elated. Whole. Like a fucking brand new person. Because of you. You have given me this gift. A new life. That we both created. This baby will have both you and I in it.
I can’t wait to hold this little gem in my arms. Whether it’s a girl or a boy, it will be our miracle.
ELEVEN
I woke up to a warm hand wrapped around my length, giving me the best fucking hand job ever. A soft warm body pressed up against mine as my wife went to town on my cock. “No. Sex,” I said through gritted teeth. As much as I wanted her, the doctors put us on a no sex rule. We hadn’t even played, touched or petted, whatever the hell you wanted to call it.
“I miss you,” Evvie said, placing soft kisses on the back of my neck.
“I miss you too but we need to wait.” Fuck me. Since when would you ever hear those words come out of my mouth? Never. Not before I found out my wife was pregnant and a high risk one at that.
“Let me touch you. I need to feel some sort of connection with you.” Her hand on me tightened, stroking me from base to tip.
I pulled myself from her grip and rolled onto my side before cupping her face. Gazing into her eyes, I brushed my mouth along hers.
“Brett.”
“Shhh…let me kiss you,” I whispered.
“I want you to make love to me,” she said, reaching out for me.
I grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I will.”
“No, now. Please.”
Hearing her beg usually made me hard, satisfied. But at that point, it broke my heart. Our relationship had become so physical, going a day without sex was pure and utter torture for us.
Call me a pussy, but her being told to take it easy and not being allowed to have sex until after the baby was born, could be good for us. For our marriage. For me. It would help me learn to take control.
A revelation dawned on me as I cupped Evvie’s face. God worked in mysterious ways. Where had I heard that before? Pastor Dan. The Pastor who performed our wedding from Evvie’s childhood church. Funny how things stuck with you.
“Brett.”
I brushed my mouth along Evvie’s lips. “I’m going to make love to your mouth, to your mind. Spreading myself in the deep recesses of your soul. My safe place. I could live in you, Evvie and know that I would always be protected.”
Her breath hitched. “I—“
“Shhh,
” I said against her mouth. “Open yourself up to me. Let me feel your love for me and for our baby. Spread it over us. Protect us, my sweet sweet wife.”
“Always.”
I smiled and placed soft kisses on her face. “I love you. Your mind. Body. Soul. Every inch of your skin. Every freckle. Every curve. Every scar. Perfect.”
“For me,” she finished.
I grinned and trailed kisses down her jaw, inhaling the sweet scent of her skin. “Relax your body. Close your mind. See, feel, hear only me.”
“I should be telling you that,” she said, watching me move down the length of her body.
“You’ve done so much for me in the short time that I’ve known you. I could never repay you.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to.”
“I know.” I stopped, once I reached her belly. The bump was the size of a basketball and I loved every inch of it. Pregnant women were beautiful but Evvie? She was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen and the fact that she was carrying my baby, was just an added bonus.
“My baby,” I whispered, placing a soft kiss on her protruding stomach. “You are strong, aren’t you?” I asked her stomach. “And I bet you’re going to have your mother’s fiery spirit.”
Evvie giggled. “I love that you talk to my belly.”
“Of course. My baby needs to know the sound of my voice.”
Her eyes warmed. She swallowed a couple of times but no words left her lips. All she could do was nod. “Come up here,” she said a moment later.
I shook my head and bent her knees. Grabbing a pillow, I winked at her. “Lift your beautiful ass.”
Her gaze darkened and she did as I said. “What are you doing?”
I kissed her knee, trailing a path down to the soft area between her pussy and inner thigh. “Since I can’t bury myself deep inside your body, I’m going to at least give you the pleasure I know you need.”
