“You’re much more, Aurelia.”
“As are you,” I insisted, my gaze darting back to his. “You’re more than your crown, Klaus. You’re more than . . . just a prince. You are kind, compassionate and truthful. You dream of better things. You believe in hope. You made me remember to hope . . .”
Klaus slowly smiled and shook his head with a sigh.
“I wish I had met you sooner, Aurelia. I wish I had known you before any agreement with Foix de Lille.”
His words sent a jolt through me; my hands became clammy as I slid them to rest on my lap.
“Why? I’m no use to you and Saarland der Licht.”
Klaus stood from his chair and came around the table to one of the empty chairs beside me. He sat as he touched the arm of my chair with his fingertips, tracing the small square design as he continued.
“I have . . .” he paused as he sucked in a breath. It was apparent he was searching for words as his lips parted, hesitated, until he began again. “I’ve grown to care for you, Aurelia. I care about what happens to you. I care about your happiness.”
“I should be the least of your worries, Klaus,” I confessed softly. “There is much for you to worry about. Much more than me.”
As much as his words thrilled me, fear began to slowly envelop me, for I too had grown to care for him.
“You have been in my every thought since I saw you that day in the forest. You surprised and enraptured me. Lord Crestwood thought I was losing my mind, and perhaps he was right. Perhaps I have lost my mind.”
Klaus smirked as he lifted his hand to the table. His fingers were very close to my place setting.
“You are hard to figure out, Aurelia. You came out of nowhere, dressed in that wild fur cloak. You came into the palace and in no time it seems, you’ve changed everything. Everything is different for me.”
“Bitte . . .” I shook my head, biting my bottom lip. I could feel the threat of tears in my eyes. He was saying everything I’d always hoped to hear from a man; him. But it was more than I could bear. “Please don’t say any more,” I whispered.
“I can’t,” he said with a small chuckle. “I can’t keep silent about how I feel, Aurelia. Perhaps I am to keep silent in my unhappiness of my arrangement, but I will not deny the joy I felt the day I found you. How could I ever regret the beautiful, golden-haired woman who thinks nothing of taking her clothes off to swim, who wears dresses resembling sunlight and climbs out of windows to escape from my servants? You have a mind, a soul, and a wild spirit . . . all of which I truly admire, Aurelia.”
“Please,” I said again, wanting him to stop. My fingers clenched around the fabric of my dress. I could not endure to hear his feelings, knowing I’d never be able to love him openly; I’d never be whole enough for him. I would never belong to him, for he would be bound to another.
“You know nothing about me,” I managed to say as I shook my head. Tears began to form in my eyes as I looked away.
“I know enough,” he countered as he lifted his fingers to my chin.
While I wished his words were true, I knew they were not. There was much more to me than the golden girl he saw. The news of what my father had done to me would be too much for his heart. His feelings would change. I was sure I would be blamed and banished from Saarland der Licht, never to see Klaus again.
“In the time we have together, Klaus,” I began. “I wish only for you to be happy. I do not wish to complicate things for you. We are friends, just as you said before. That is what I shall be to you.”
“Friends,” Klaus repeated as he winced. My words had seemed to wound him as we stared at each other.
“Yes,” I replied. “When the princess and Lord Crestwood . . .”
“To hell with Lord Crestwood, and to hell with the princess!”
Klaus leaned forward as his fingers gently tilted my chin towards him. His eyes gazed longingly at my lips. I wanted to welcome his approaching affection. I wanted to feel his lips against mine but panic filled me. The image of my father drawing closer to me filled my mind.
“Come here, love.”
I pushed against Klaus’s shoulder and turned my chin away.
“Please don’t,” I begged softly.
His hand cupped my cheek gently while I remained frozen. I let out a soft breath, waiting to see what he’d do. Would he try to kiss me again? Would he lean me back against the table? Would he . . .? He carefully turned my cheek, bringing my darkened gaze to meet his. His eyes were puzzled and broken as he studied me.
“What did they do to you, Aurelia? Why do you resist me in everything I do? Everything I try . . . Why can’t you bear my touch? Can you not . . .?”
While there was thick rage in his voice, I understood it wasn’t for me. It was for my past, and all the wrongs that had been done to me. He pulled his hand away and allowed it to rest on the arm of the chair again as we sat together quietly.
“I’m sorry,” I replied, unsure of what to say.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” he responded. Klaus pushed himself from his chair and rose to his feet. Holding my breath, I braced myself to watch him leave. This would be the end. I had just rejected him – he would bid for me to return to my rooms and pack my things. My time in Saarland der Licht had come to an end. But instead, Klaus stood beside me and held his hand out to me.
“Come with me,” he invited softly. Surprise filled me as I looked at his hand with wide eyes.
“Where?” I asked as I lifted my chin. Klaus clenched his jaw as he continued to extend his hand to me.
“Does it matter?” He asked with a raised brow. “Come with me, Aurelia. Please.”
No matter how I felt, no matter how unsure, I wouldn’t deny him. I took his hand and stood from my chair. He motioned with the jerk of his chin to follow him through the doors. I picked a bit of my skirt up, being careful not to trip over the shimmering tulle, and followed him out into the corridor. Klaus guided me down into the long hallway, which loomed over the flowing river. The window shades were open, allowing a warm breeze to fill the room. The sconces were lit, creating a soft and warm atmosphere.
Klaus pulled me to the middle of the hall and paused. Slowly, he turned to face me and held out his other hand to me.
“W-What are you doing?” I asked, wrinkling my brow as I tried to understand.
His emerald eyes seared into mine as he murmured, “. . .dancing with you.”
“Dancing?”
“Yes, dancing. An unspoken language . . .”
Klaus slid a hand to rest on the small of my back as he moved my hand to his shoulder. Without hesitation, he led me into a dance, being careful to keep a certain distance between the two of us. His eyes continued to stare into mine as he turned about the corridor.
“What if someone sees us?” I asked softly, a small smile grew on my lips.
“What if they do?” he asked, a challenge in his eye.
He was graceful and poised as he continued to sway; the soft sounds of the river just outside the windows was our only music. In that moment, I wondered sort of life I could have had if I’d been the one he’d chosen to marry. I wondered what it would have been like if I hadn’t been my father’s conquest—if I had been allowed to have suitors. Would Klaus have been among them?
I knew nothing about the Princess of Foix de Lille, but I knew somewhere in my heart and mind, his wife should have been me—the Princess of Tränen.
My free hand gripped his shoulder tighter as his thumb brushed over my fingers in his hand. I felt our bodies drawing closer together, the distance between us closing with each step. As Klaus came to a pause, he continued to stare into my eyes and then slowly, to my lips. I watched as he began to lean closer to me, slowly, cautiously, as if I were a wild animal he wished to tame.
I felt myself yearning to be kissed by him; to finally know what it would be to press my lips against his. Yet, the part of me who still hid away in cloak of a thousand furs begged me to turn away. I could feel my ha
nds begin to tremble as each of my fingers gripped his shoulder more tightly; his shoulder was warm and strong.
“I won’t hurt you,” he promised softly, his warm breath brushing against my lips.
His words echoed in my ears, drawing me back to the forest on the day he found me.
“If you promise you won’t hurt me . . .”
“No one will harm you . . . my honor as a prince . . .”
I closed my eyes before the warm tears stirring to life had a chance to roll down my cheeks. Klaus was again, offering me the one thing I always desired most in my life: love. Love, in which I wanted to accept with all of myself. I did not know when I my love for Klaus had come to fruition, but I knew it was real and true. Perhaps in the wake of the lake water or in the early breakfasts of silence and small smiles, Klaus had become a man I trusted.
I could feel my heart beating quickly as his lips pressed softly against mine. I knew I needed to make a decision. There was a choice to live behind the scars and shadows of my father and of Tränen or to move forward—to accept the events of the past and try to live happily beyond that.
My fingers slid to Klaus’s face. Under my fingertips was the rough side of his jaw and texture of his dark hair. I willed myself to take joy in what he offered with his lips and the warmth of his touch—to be a girl and be young. . . and loved.
Klaus’s lips were soft, warm and welcoming. He was gentle and hesitant—careful as his hand on my waist pulled me a step closer. With his lips against my own, I felt his thumb brush gently over my cheek and his fingers slid through my hair. I could feel myself falling deeper into the kiss. My own eager hands held onto him tightly. I was afraid of opening my eyes and waking back to the nightmare of my father’s face, his dark eyes and bitter smile.
It was a slow descent back to reality as we both pulled away breathlessly and stayed still in our shared moment. I lifted my trembling hand from Klaus’s shoulder and pressed a finger against my lips. Klaus’s eyes began to search mine warily. I parted my lips, hoping to say something clever or meaningful, but words did not flow easily.
“Why?” I heard myself ask. Why had he kissed me? Why had I allowed him to do so? Why did I want to love him? Why? Klaus remained silent. I saw his hand reach out for mine but I shook my head, taking another step back.
“Forgive me,” I murmured. “I think I shall retire to my room now.”
“Aurelia, wait . . .”
I turned, ignoring him, and hoisted a bit of my gown up in my fists as I dashed down the hallway.
There was nothing left to say. There was nothing either one of us could say to each other. I heard Klaus call after me, asking me to stop, to wait, but I could not. I could not allow him to see my torment. I hadn’t understood the true depth of my feelings for the prince, but as I ran away, I knew with confidence what I felt was love. It was a love I knew I would always be denied.
I did not stop until I was safely inside my room. Quickly, I grabbed a clean nightgown from the armoire, a blanket and a pillow and locked myself away in the adjoining blue room. It was easy to peel the sun-adorned dress away; easier still to wrap myself in the cool nightgown and the fur cloak, which now hung dry near the window seat. I heard the main bedroom door open and Klaus’s voice echoed, calling my name.
“Aurelia, bitte . . .”
A gentle knock on the door startled me as I pulled my knees to my chest.
“Aurelia, allow me to speak with you about this,” he said softly through the door.
I swallowed, trying to push back my guilt. With shaky legs, I walked to the door and pressed my hand against the cool surface.
“There is nothing more to say,” I said softly against the panel.
“I know I upset you,” his voice was soft and compassionate and I heard him knock again. “Please, Aurelia. Open the door.”
I pressed my forehead against the door, holding back a small sob.
“I cannot.”
“You can,” he murmured. I could feel the wiggle of the locked door handle against my side.
“Why does it matter so much for me to open the door to you?”
“Because I cannot bear to end this night knowing I have caused you pain,” he replied vigorously. I cannot bear to watch you marry another, knowing you are lost to me forever. The words flooded my mind and rang in my ears.
“I’m not sorry for kissing you, Aurelia,” he admitted gently through the door. I bit my lip, and knew I wasn’t sorry either.
“I can’t . . . open the door, Klaus,” I repeated, my voice barely a gasp. I knew that if I did, I would ruin another kingdom. I would have not only tarnished Tränen, but Saarland der Licht as well.
I backed away from the door and slid a nearby chair from the corner against the handle to prevent him or anyone else coming into the room, unwarranted. Tucking myself back against the window seat, I pulled the wolf’s head hood over my hair and waited quietly in the darkness. I was almost sure Klaus remained outside my door for the night. My tears came swiftly and violently as I curled into the makeshift bed, comforted only in the warmth of my cloak. Eventually my tears ran dry, and I dozed against the coolness of the window glass.
35
In the early hours of the morning, I heard a gentle knock on my door. I ignored it. I could hear Klaus’s muffled voice say my name. I bit my bottom lip, doing my best to keep myself from speaking out to him. I wanted to open the door, but I knew my words would neither solve, nor help the situation.
“Aurelia, Es tut mir leid.”
The faint words of apology caused me to turn my face into my pillow; another stream of tears came to life, and rolled down my cheeks. My losses over the past months were great. I’d lost everything and everyone I ever loved: a father who desired me, Myriah, my one and only confidant, and a mother who never loved me. Now I was losing Klaus, the man I had fallen in love with. There was no place for me in the world, and there was no possible chance of living with myself and the ghosts, while trying to find happiness.
I heard Klaus’s footsteps drift away from the door until there was silence once more. I knew everything would be different in the morning. I knew who we had been, and who we had become to each other had changed.
“We are more . . .”
The memory of his words rang in my ears as I squeezed my eyes shut. In the later morning hours, Adelais came to the door and knocked quite loudly. I jolted from the window seat, nearly falling to the floor. She continued her steady knocking until I was forced to go to the door and move the chair away. Pulling the cloak tightly around me, I unlatched the lock.
“Back to that, are we?” She said as she pursed her lips as she gawked at me. With a shake of her head and a click of her tongue, she pushed past me irritated.
“Milady, you do have a bed in the other room that you can sleep on,” she complained as she began to fold the blanket I had stolen from the main room. I kept my eyes to the floor as I had no desire to argue with her.
“Time to dress yourself and begin the day,” she said hastily, gesturing for me to go into the other room.
“I do not wish to begin the day,” I murmured as I took a seat on the bed. My eyes scanned the place near the door of the adjoining blue room, where I imagined Klaus had sat and waited. I swallowed back the impending tears.
“I do not wish to be tended to this morning, Adelais. I’m afraid I’ve taken a chill,” I said. I knew I sounded more forlorn than I should have. After all, I had been the one to push Klaus away when he had offered nothing but himself the night before.
“You are to ready yourself for breakfast and then I am to tempt you with a ride on one of the prince’s horses,” Adelais answered curtly.
“I’m not hungry and I do not wish to go anywhere today. Please, leave me,” I retorted sharply. Adelais decided to ignore me and continued to tend to my rooms. I remained still on the side of the bed until she came to stand in front of me, her hands on her hips.
“Let’s get you ready for breakfast at least, hmm?”<
br />
“I won’t be eating breakfast this morning. I wish to remain in my room,” I snapped, glaring at her. For once, I wouldn’t allow her to boss me about, as if I were one of her own maids.
“I believe the prince is hoping you will join him,” she challenged as she raised her brow expectantly. “Do you not wish to see him?”
“I won’t be,” I replied, crossing my arms. “You can tell the prince I shall be here, in my room.”
I could see the annoyance on Adelais as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She reminded me of Myriah in the way she held herself when she was angry. With another deep sigh, she clicked her tongue.
“I believe it would be in your best interest to follow the command of the prince this morning. It would be a blatant sign of your disrespect to His Highness if you do not. I would suggest you find yourself again and get ready for breakfast,” she insisted as she tapped her foot against the stone floor. “I promise you, fräulein . . . You will regret this day if you do not go to him. If I must drag you from this room with the help of the maids, at the cost of your own embarrassment, I shall.”
I knew Adelais would be true to her word. She turned on her heel towards the armoire and pulled out a fresh gown for me to wear. She placed the soft blue gown next to me on the bed with a glare.
“Lord Crestwood will be here within the hour, among other guests. I would take this valuable time to see the prince before you are no longer permitted to,” she heeded. Adelais gave me no time to respond, for she quickly grabbed the dirty linens from the nearby chair and left the room. I watched her leave, my eyes wide with shock.
Lord Crestwood would be arriving with the princess and the other guests from Foix de Lille. As I my eyes darted to the gown beside me, I knew Adelais was right. This would be my last chance to see the prince – to speak to Klaus.
I sat in the coat of my father’s furs, feeling the animal skins, feeling the warmth of the sunshine they must have felt when they were alive. I could feel the water, the rain, the days, the nights, and the changing air of the passing seasons. Life was so short, and yet so rich and complex. We could shed the skins of animals, and yet still feel the very soul of who they were. If I were to shed my skin, what would it reflect about me? Would others see a spoiled and selfish girl? A hurt and tormented daughter? A woman lost to love? Perhaps it mattered not of what others thought of me.
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