Tucker turned, looking her in the eye.
What was he thinking? She couldn’t tell, couldn’t read the features that were normally so easily discerned. Unable to meet his gaze any longer, she turned and closed the door.
You deserve everything you get. Just face it like a woman. Straightening her shoulders, she turned, though she couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes.
“Tell me everything.” His words were barely discernible over the pattering of rain.
“I think you pretty much know everything now.”
He took one step closer, then stopped as if his sandals were glued to the floor.
She wanted to melt into a puddle and pour through the floorboards. To think he knew what she’d done. That she’d behaved so loosely, that she’d slept with a married man—his sister’s husband, no less. It was what Jaylee had done to her. Worse, even.
“I want to hear it from you.”
“Do you doubt your sister?” Was he giving her the benefit of the doubt? Surely not. And yet, why would he care about her side? She’d done it, she was guilty.
“I don’t doubt Tracey. I want to understand.”
Sabrina laughed bitterly. “I have no excuse, Tucker. Everything you’re thinking about me is true.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?”
“Because anyone would be thinking it!” She crossed her arms over her heart as if she could protect it from the coming pain.
“I’m not just anyone. And neither are you.”
“I’m the woman who slept with your brother-in-law. The whore who broke up your sister’s marriage.” The phrase slipped out, and she recognized her blunder.
He winced, looking away. She watched the straight line of his back as he walked toward the patio door and looked out.
Did he remember his own words sent to Sweetpea all those months ago? But he knew she’d read the emails right there in his office. He just didn’t know she’d originally read them as Sweetpea.
His broad shoulders hunched as he crossed his arms. She couldn’t believe he was so calm. Why didn’t he just have his say and leave?
Because he was Tucker. That’s not who he was.
But his words from that long-ago email pricked her. He’d been angry when Tracey had told him about that morning, about Sebastian’s infidelity. He’d been ready to hunt the man down and beat him to a bloody pulp. He’d made no secret what he thought of the woman his brother-in-law had been with. What he thought of her.
“Tell me what happened.” He was facing her again.
Her mind went back to that night. Back to the depressive state she’d been in when she’d come on her solo honeymoon. He wanted to know everything, and what could it hurt? It didn’t excuse what she’d done, but Tucker deserved to know the whole story.
But she had to be careful. Tucker knew Sweetpea’s story. She had to be vague.
“I was going through a—a dark time when I came here. I was alone and depressed. Barely made it out of my hotel room for days. I—” She could hardly find words to describe her desperation, to describe how the pain of betrayal had swallowed her whole.
“Go on.” His gentle tone spurred her on.
She picked at the cuff of her blouse where it had frayed. “After a while I found an effective, if not necessarily brilliant, way to escape my sorrows. I went to a bar and got drunk.” Shame flooded her face as she recalled the way the night culminated. But she was going to be woman enough to admit in broad daylight what she’d done under the cover of night.
“There was a man across the room. He was nicely dressed, and he was looking at me. I—I couldn’t believe someone who looked like that could find me interesting, but he bought me a drink.” Her eyes sought out his, testing the waters. But Tucker was silhouetted by the light from the patio door.
“I went home with him. I don’t remember everything. I never even noticed his ring . . .” Such a feeble excuse.
“I didn’t realize until the next morning when his wife—when Tracey—came in.” Mortification cloaked her. Her hand went to her throat. She was so dirty. And admitting her transgression to the man she loved was beyond humiliating.
And yet, it didn’t compare to what Tracey had suffered.
Nothing she said would rectify or justify it. Jaylee’s words, spoken the night she’d discovered her with Jared, haunted Sabrina now. “We didn’t mean for it to happen—didn’t mean for you to find out like this.” They were empty words that changed nothing.
Sabrina had still been betrayed, just as Tracey had been. Sorry didn’t change a thing. Tracey’s marriage was still over.
The air felt heavy, unbreathable. Sabrina needed to get out of there, she wanted to run as far away from this place, away from Tucker and his steady gaze, as she could. She could send for her things later. There was no returning, she knew that now.
She rushed to her suitcase and closed it, pulling the zipper.
“What are you doing?”
She hauled the case off the couch and set it on the floor. Her purse was beyond Tucker. She went for it.
He took her arm. “Sabrina.”
She shrugged out of his grasp and grabbed her things. “I’ve got to go.”
“Where?”
Sabrina pulled her suitcase across the floor. It snagged on the rug’s edge, and she jerked it loose.
Tucker grabbed the handle.
“Let go!”
“Tell me where you’re going.”
“Out of here, away, what does it matter?” She tugged the suitcase from his grasp and pulled open the door.
He followed her down the steps. Rain poured down her face and soaked her clothes within seconds. The suitcase was heavy and awkward.
“You’re running,” he said. “Where are you going to hide? You can’t hide from what you did.”
The accusation stung. She blocked out his words, pretended the rain washed them away. There was nothing he could say to make her feel worse, was there? And yet, his presence convicted her, made her ever more cognizant of her offense.
She reached the bottom of the steps. Tucker caught her arm. The suitcase slipped from her wet palm and tipped, landing on the gravel with a thud. Her purse fell to the ground afterward.
Before she could stop him, Tucker snatched it.
He had her purse, and where could she go without money? She felt trapped, and it wasn’t a feeling she liked. “Give it back.” She glared.
“Not until we talk.”
“We have talked.”
“No. You’ve talked and I’ve listened. Now it’s my turn.”
Her eyes burned. She wanted to cover her ears with both hands.
She didn’t want to hear what he had to say. It would hurt too much, and she was tired of hurting. Maybe it was selfish, but she wanted to go away and forget everything that had happened. She wanted to start over fresh someplace where she hadn’t done so many wrong things, hurt so many people.
“Give me the bag.” She reached for it, but he held it away. Thunder cracked.
“Five minutes,” he said. “Let’s get out of the rain.” He took her arm.
She jerked it away. How dare he hold her hostage. “I want my purse!” A stare-off ensued. Tucker’s eyes looked dark under the storm’s shadows. Dark and stubborn.
“Fine. We’ll do it right here then.” He tightened his fist around the strap of her bag.
She crossed her arms, a futile act of defiance. He could have his say. She didn’t have to listen, didn’t have to respond. He wanted to settle the score. Let him say all the awful things he could, call her all the names she deserved.
At the thought, a whimper rose in her throat, but she strangled it before it escaped.
He was quiet so long she wondered if he’d changed his mind. But no, he was only waiting for her to look at him. Rain trickled down his face like tears. His spiked lashes framed eyes that were full of something that contradicted her expectations.
“I know you’re not the woman who did that disho
norable thing.”
She searched his eyes, confused. “What? Yes, I am—”
He put his fingers over her mouth. “Shush, it’s my turn.” When she quieted, he spoke again. “I know you did it, but it doesn’t define who you are. It was one night, one mistake.”
He was letting her off the hook? It didn’t make sense. Somehow it angered her. Where was the justice in that? The justice for Tracey.
“Don’t make excuses for me. Of all people, you shouldn’t be defending what I did. You should detest me on your sister’s behalf. What I did destroyed her marriage.”
Tucker gave a sad smile.“You were one in a long line for Sebastian. Tracey discovered the truth after that morning. She would’ve been able to forgive him the one indiscretion, but he has a problem that goes beyond that one night with you.”
There’d been others? The divorce hadn’t been her fault alone? The news removed a bit of weight from her shoulders. Still, how could Tucker be so . . . so . . . ?
“I don’t hate you, Sabrina. I—”
She wished she could pull the words from his tongue. But they seemed stuck there. His gaze roamed over her face, making her conscious of her own state of dishevelment.
Sabrina wiped the rain from her cheeks.
“I forgive you.” His words washed away every other thought. “You don’t need to leave. Nothing needs to change. Don’t go.”
It was so tempting, everything he said. But could she continue with the way things were when he didn’t know the truth? Forgiving Sabrina the café waitress for her perfidy was one thing, but could he forgive Sweetpea for the same crime? Could his sister ever forgive her?
Of course not. It was more complicated than Tucker dreamed. And she was weary of the pretense. Weary of loving a man who thought she was someone else. The relationship that meant everything to her was nothing but a lie because Tucker was in love with an illusion.
“Sabrina?”
She looked at the man she loved and knew with sudden clarity that he deserved more than she’d given him. More than she could ever give him.
It was over. All of it. She would tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Then Tucker would hate her. Then Tucker would gladly return her purse and let her leave the island.
The thought carved away a section of her heart, the part where courage resided. She didn’t have the guts. Didn’t have the strength to face him when he learned who she was, and found her profoundly lacking in integrity and basic morality. She wasn’t at all who he thought she was.
Renny’s words played back. “What about honesty? What about doing the right thing and trusting God to work things as he wills?”
But what if . . . what if she couldn’t handle it? What if it cut her to the core?
Do you trust me? The small, familiar voice came from somewhere deep inside.
“Sabrina, talk to me.”
She took one last look at him as he was now, savoring the compassion in his eyes for a moment longer. He was a good man. He deserved better than she could offer. He deserved someone who wasn’t dragging her past around on a heavy chain. Someone like Arielle. The thought appeared out of nowhere.
Of course.
Sabrina had been nothing but selfish through the entire relationship. She could do this one selfless thing. It would hurt, but it was time to let Tucker go, set him free. It was time to tell him everything.
She whispered a quick prayer for courage. “Okay, you’ve had your say. Now I need to have mine.” She suddenly felt shy, remembering all the words she’d said, all the letters she’d written. He knew more about her than anyone. To tell him the truth was to expose herself, to be vulnerable. All the things she’d thought she was done with.
“Go on.”
“I—” Dear Lord, how can I say it? Give me the words. He looked so innocent, and she was going to hurt him. She hated that more than anything.
He wiped a trickle of rain from her cheek with the back of his fingers. “Go on,” he said again.
She closed her eyes against the touch, then forced them open. “I—I have something to tell you that may come as a shock. I’ve done something—I’m afraid it’s going to hurt you and—” Tears burned at her eyes, clogged her throat with a lump the size of a boulder.
“Just say it.” His tender look was about her undoing.
He was going to hate her afterward.
Do you trust me?
“I’m not who you think I am, Tucker. I—” Just say it. “I’m Sweetpea.” Once the boulder came loose, she couldn’t stop the flow of words. “I’ve been her all along, since the beginning and—”
“Sabrina.”
“—when you sent the photo, I was afraid because—because I had feelings for you, and I didn’t think you could possibly love someone like me, and then later I realized what I’d done, that Sebastian was your brother-in-law—and then you asked me to find her—to find me, and I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended to look for her—”
“Sabrina.”
“—but I felt so guilty taking your money, so I donated it to Nantucket Soundkeeper, and then Arielle showed up—she’s my cousin—and then you saw her and—”
“Sabrina!” He dropped her bag and took her face in his hands. “Would you just shut up?”
Her thoughts spun slowly to a halt, like a vacated merry-go-round.
And then her mind began spinning slowly again, this time with questions. Why was he touching her so gently? Why was he looking at her like that—with such tenderness?
“I know.” He looked at her as if to drive each word home. “I know who you are,” he repeated in a whisper.
He knew she was Sweetpea? But how, and when? And why did he hire her?
“Aw, honey, I’ve waited so long for you.” His thumb grazed her cheek, sending a shiver down her arms.
“But how—when?”
“From the beginning. I sought you out.”
“But why?”
“I wanted to know you.”
“But you hired me . . .”
“To spend time with you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to tell me who you are.”
His words filled the empty places in her heart. “But Arielle . . .”
“I wanted to knock you silly when you stuck me with that woman. But then Arielle told me she wasn’t Sweetpea, and I told her I already knew who—”
“You knew all along?” Sabrina felt dazed. He wasn’t in love with Arielle? She remembered his letter that night. “I love you,” he’d written. And she’d thought the words were for her cousin. But the words had been for her alone.
She remembered their date, the boat ride. “The kiss . . .” she said.
One side of his mouth tilted in a grin. “The kiss.”
He’d let his feelings run away that night. He’d wanted to be with her, not Arielle. He’d wanted to kiss her, not Arielle. Could it be true? Even now, she was afraid to believe.
That morning suddenly rushed to the front of her mind. It seemed so long ago, though it had been an hour at most. She’d seen the look on his face, the look on his sister’s face. He hadn’t known that part. She stepped back now, needing distance. His hands fell away from her face.
“What’s wrong?”
How could anything come of their relationship when they had that between them? Even if Sebastian had made a hobby of sleeping around, could Tracey ever forgive what Sabrina had done?
Her lip wobbled, and she bit it still. “Tracey.”
For the first time since her admission, his face sobered. A rivulet of rain traced a path down his temple, his jaw.
“How could she ever forgive me?”
“Same way I did.”
“But I don’t deserve it.”
Tucker pulled her against him. She curled into his wet torso and hid her face in the wall of his chest.
“None of us do, Sabrina. You think I haven’t made mistakes?” His words rumbled in her ear. He lifted her hand and kissed the tender flesh of her wrist where t
he coffee had spilled. “You think Tracey hasn’t made mistakes? She’s a strong and compassionate woman. She’ll come around in time because she knows how much I—”
The sentence hung in the misty air, but Sabrina was enjoying the heavy thud of his heart too much to leave the comfort of his embrace.
But she felt Tucker’s hands on her arms, felt him pushing her away. Felt him looking at her with eyes that spoke all the words she needed to hear. “She knows how much I love you.” He squeezed her arms firmly and gave her a little shake. “You, Sabrina. No one else.”
She soaked it up, all his eyes had to say, all his words meant. If she heard it a million more times it wouldn’t be too much. The words turned her legs to noodles and warmed a path clear to her heart, seeping into all the dark crevices. The journey had been long and hard, but the destination was worth the trouble. More than worth it.
Tucker.
He lowered his head, and his mouth tested hers. She was sure he could feel her heart banging against his stomach, but soon, she forgot about her heart. All she could think of was the way his lips felt on hers, soft as a feather’s touch. When he pulled away, she wanted to protest.
“Our first kiss.” He brushed her wet hair from her cheek.
“Second,” she corrected.
He grinned. “That one didn’t count. You thought I was a two-timing creep.”
Her thoughts returned to the uncertainty, the confusion of that night. “No, I didn’t.”
He gave her a look.
“Maybe a little.”
“I couldn’t help myself. You were so beautiful sitting there on the water, with the moonlight on your hair. You must’ve been so confused.” He dried her face, the rain and tears, with the back of his hand. “Don’t be confused about this, though, Sabrina. I love you with all my heart, and nothing’s going to change that.”
Were lovelier words ever spoken? She wanted Tucker to feel the way she did now. She wanted to tell him the rest of it, the part that mattered most.
“I love you, too, Tucker. So much.” Emotion closed her throat.
“I’ve waited a long time for those words,” he whispered, then dropped a quick kiss on her lips. After a pause, he was back for more. Sabrina wrapped her arms around his neck, ran her fingers through the curls at his nape. She couldn’t get enough of him. He smelled like Tucker and tasted of heaven.
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