by Ford, Mia
My hand was getting tired but my fingers kept pressing into his throat just enough. I had always had a fantasy about choking my partner a little bit, but not enough to hurt them for real of course. Just enough to give them the thrill of it. I wondered if Jay had ever been choked before or if he had any other kinky things he wanted to try in bed. I really hoped we had the opportunity to explore them.
“I’m gonna come!” Jay said suddenly.
I could feel his hard dick getting even harder, giving it that slight advantage as it began to move inside my pussy. I leaned back just then to make sure that his cock was fully encapsulated by me.
“Do it!” I growled in his ear.
A moment later Jay let out a loud moaning, gurgling sound that was close to what I imagined a hard kick to the gut must sound like. The expression of pain and tension on his face with total bliss in his eyes was glorious. I loved to watch him come. It always got me so hot. I was ready. I was about to blow.
“Shit!” I screamed as Jay’s orgasm set off my own and the tremors of elation rolled through my entire body. It was hard and forceful, just the way I loved it. Even though it had only been a few weeks since we’d last made love, it felt like it had been much longer. It was like we’d both waited for each other until now.
I hadn’t so much as masturbated since then, even though I’d been very horny lately.
I had waited.
And I was glad I did.
As I lay down on Jay’s chest with his shrinking cock still inside of me, the last remnants of our orgasmic fluids mingling and withdrawing from me, I listened intently to the sound of Jay’s heart beating. It was a loud, quick thudding sound. It was strong and healthy. It made me proud somehow.
“You are amazing,” Jay said. “God, I’ve missed you.”
At first the words were just words. I heard them and I captured their meaning just fine, but as we both lay there together in the silence of the night, the words Jay had just spoken kept circling around in my head and as they did so they began to take on a different meaning. What was happening here? The realm of logic was now coming back to me as the sweetness of sex was wearing off.
“What did you say?” I asked quietly.
“What?” Jay asked.
Had he forgotten exactly what he said?
“What did you say?” I asked again.
“Um, I said I missed you. Why?”
I sat up then and scooted back from Jay. I can’t explain exactly what came over me or why, but I suddenly felt very fearful, as if I was losing control of a situation.
“Why did you say that? We aren’t… we aren’t together… right? I’m not your girlfriend.”
Jay sat up slowly and looked at me. “What’s wrong?”
“I… I just…” I was having trouble finding the words. “I just want to make sure we are on the same page.”
“We are,” Jay said confidently.
“Then why are you missing me? You don’t have the right to miss me.”
I realized that what I was saying sounded insane, but I was having trouble keeping it together. I was terrified. When Jay said those words it brought everything together for me. Jay and I were growing closer and soon we would be a permanent fixture in each other’s lives. We would be a couple and if that happened there was no stopping the love that I felt for him from becoming so overwhelming that I would wish to be his forever and he would wish to be mine. We would belong to each other.
It sounded so beautiful. But then one day that knock on the door would come…
I closed my eyes tightly and took several deep breaths.
“What are you talking about? What’s wrong?” Jay asked. He was genuinely confused now.
“I just think… I just think that this is getting too close...” I said. “That’s it. We are getting too close. We both made a deal that we are just friends.”
“Well, I think we are a bit more than friends…” Jay said with a smile.
“You know what I mean!” I said. “I can’t get involved again, with anybody. I… I’m just too…”
I couldn’t finish the sentence.
Jay was comforting. He leaned forward and held me in his arms even though I did not feel like being held at the moment.
“It’s alright,” He said calmly. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that… not that way. I guess I got caught up in the moment.”
I was starting to calm down now and I felt immediately embarrassed by the way I was acting. It wouldn’t have surprised me if Jay now thought I was some kind of psycho.
“No, I’m sorry,” I said. “I…I’m just very scared… the emotional scars are still there. I don’t know if they will ever be gone.”
I felt bad lying to Jay. I was scarred from my previous breakup—that was true—but it wasn’t the reason that I wouldn’t let myself get involved with Jay. I wanted to tell him the truth, but deep inside I felt that If I did really open up to him then he would hate me and never want to see me again. I wasn’t sure I could bear that. Then again, maybe it was actually the safer thing to do.
Maybe I should have broken everything off completely and just saved us both the heartache.
“It’s OK,” Jay said. “I wish I could understand a bit more, but I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt that badly by anyone. At least not a relationship.”
I wanted to ask him to explain a bit, but I decided not to press.
“But I meant what I said,” Jay said.
“What?” I replied, a bit startled.
“I’m sorry,” Jay said. “But I’m not sorry I said that. I was caught up in the moment but it’s true. I do have feelings for you. I’m tired of trying to pretend I don’t.”
I gulped and tried to clear my head before the tears started, but it was too late. Why was he doing this? No…no… why was he ruining this? I didn’t want to have to end things now. Didn’t Jay realize what he was really doing?
“What are you saying? You agreed that we would not go there.”
“I know,” Jay said. “And I’ve tried. I know you’re hurting and you are scared. The last thing in the world I’d ever want to do is make you feel more of that.”
“Then stop,” I pleaded. “Stop right now and don’t say any more.”
“I can’t help it,” Jay said. “It’s too hard pretending that I don’t spend most of my waking moments wishing you were in my arms. I’m tired of drifting through my days with you on my mind, wondering when I’ll get to see you again, or if I’ll see you again. I realize I am asking more than you are ready to give, but I just need to know once and for all if this will eventually go somewhere, because the guessing games, and the not knowing—it’s just too hard to bear anymore.”
I knew how Jay felt. I wanted to tell him that I really felt the same way. He needed to hear it. He needed to know that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me, but I couldn’t. I knew it was a mistake and I knew it was the worst thing I could ever do, but I was giving in to my fear. It was almost crippling to me. The more I tried to push through it the worse it became.
Tears began to fill my eyes until they were overflowing and rolling down my face. I knew this would happen eventually, that Jay would push me to go farther towards a relationship. When I sat alone and dwelled on things it all seemed so simple and my worries felt insignificant and small, as if I could blast through them if I could just muster enough courage.
But actually being there was a whole different story.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” I said. “We can’t do this anymore.”
Jay’s eyes fell downward and he closed them tightly as he bit his lip. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, hurt, or just a mixture of both. After a moment he opened his eyes and shook his head slightly.
“I think you need to just take the time to get used to it,” Jay said. “I know you are scared and confused, but I don’t think that avoiding fear is the best way to deal with fear. The number one thing I’ve learned being a soldier is that you have to face your fears head on. That
is the only way you will ever conquer them.”
Every word he was saying rang true. I wanted to just let it go and fall in his arms, but I kept thinking of the future. I wanted kids one day and I wanted the kids to grow up healthy and happy and to not have to worry if there father was coming home when he went off to work and to not have to worry about if the friends they had now would be a thousand miles away from them in a week and they’d have to start over making new friends.
When I saw my future and my children’s futures I had a very specific vision in mind. And Jay’s lifestyle wasn’t it.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” I said, my voice cracking through the tears. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I have to do what feels right.”
I have to do what feels right, even though my heart is breaking.
I wanted so badly to explain that to him, to tell him exactly how I felt. But I didn’t.
Instead I got dressed and said goodbye.
Chapter Eleven
Jay
Three Weeks Later…
“Alright, you’re up big man!”
I took a gulp of beer and sat the bottle on the table. Then I approached the pool table and grabbed a cue stick from the rack. I sighed and tried to gather the gumption to get this party started, but I honestly just wanted to go home and chill in front of the television, maybe find some good stand-up comedy to watch. That always seemed to boost my mood.
But it would only be temporary. I knew from experience that when I had my blue moods (of which I’d had many recently) the best thing for me was to force myself to stay active and to socialize with people. I’m not normally that social of a person and I tend towards isolation, but it has never been good for me. So, occasionally I had to give myself a bit of a pep talk and get out of the house and out of my own head.
I took a shot and made it, sinking my first stripe. Lacy, Gordon, and Chuck were all sitting around our table vegging out on wings and nachos, drinking beer, and telling goofy stories. Apparently, I’d missed a bunch of good times not hanging out with them, but I was hopeful I’d get caught up in good time.
When Lacy invited me out to hang with them that Friday night, my first instinct was to say “no thanks”, but I’d stayed home three weekends in a row and just moved about the house trying to keep myself distracted with busy work. I’d drunk too much beer, let my diet slip to include too many pizzas, and allowed my anxiety to get a better grip on me and rob me of my sleep. The only thing that hadn’t taken a beating recently was my workouts. If anything I was hitting those harder than ever, or at least trying to. With the wrong fuel in my body I’d noticed my performance as being much more sluggish than I was used to.
Naomi… why? Why did she have to turn away from me?
It had been three weeks and I just couldn’t get that amazing woman out of my mind. I kept replaying the last night we were together. How did something so amazing go so wrong so quickly? I kept thinking about how I could have handled it differently. I was tempted to blame Blaine’s idiotic advice on my actions, but that was stupid. It was all my fault. I am not a man who is used to feeling insecure. I’ve always been blessed with the feeling that no matter what is put in front of me I can face it and handle it. I feel fear like everyone of course, but through proper training in the military I’d learned how to compartmentalize my emotions to keep the mission fully in the front of my mind so as to not get sidetracked or hindered.
I’d thrown all of that out the window that night and asked the questions I shouldn’t have asked.
“Nice shot!” Lacy said.
I glanced at her and smiled. She gave me a wink. I couldn’t help but notice that she’d been flirting with me extra hard tonight and she was wearing a hot outfit that could have woke me from a coma—tight jeans, exposed midriff, and a tight tank top with perfect cleavage.
But nothing was going to happen with us. It definitely could have though… Lacy had laid that invitation on the table for me to pick it up at any time. Tempting as it was, I couldn’t stop thinking of Naomi. It was driving me crazy not talking with her or hearing from her. I had her number and she had mine. I could have picked up the phone and dialed her at any time, but I was letting her have her space.
Of course, I wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to speak to me again. It was painful, obviously for her and I knew it was painful for me. It didn’t make sense. How could two people who cared deeply for one another not be together?
I tried to turn my attention back to the game. Pool was one of those games that really helped me put other thoughts out of the mind. It was an almost Zen thing being able to lock yourself into a trance between you, the ball, and the hole. The geometry came in at the last second.
I lined up my next shot and let it fly sinking another ball. I paused for a moment and chalked the cue stick back up. It was odd how such a simple activity could help someone relax and release some of the pent up pain they were dealing with, but I could feel it helping as I got more and more into the game.
After a few more shots I was feeling almost normal. I chatted with the gang and ate a few hot wings, drank a few beers, and really felt great. But when I was on my way to my car afterwards the loneliness and the darkness was back. Almost as soon as it had left it had returned. The noise in my head was blaring louder than it had been before and I was starting to feel that same lost, sinking feeling again. It was like knowing you had to do something big, but you had no idea what it was you were supposed to do and if you didn’t do it something horrible was going to happen.
“Hey, cowboy,” the sultry voice came from behind me.
I paused and turned my head to see Lacy coming towards me. The others had already split in their trucks. It was now just the two of us in the parking lot. It was quiet and a bit eerie. I kind of liked it. But then Lacy continued to speak.
“Where you off to in such a hurry?” She asked laying on the charm. “The night is still young.”
“I’m just going home to hit the sack. I’m a bit beat,” I said.
“Well, going to bed sounds pretty good to me.”
I smiled. “Lacy, I’m flattered, but it’s not a good idea.”
“Why not? You aren’t shy are you?”
I laughed. “Sometimes.” She was good.
“Well maybe I can help you. I know all about what to do with shy guys.”
She was very close to me now. I could smell her sweet perfume and feel the heat from her warm body. She was so beautiful and ready for me. But there was no way. Even though I wasn’t with Naomi, it had been too soon for me to say for sure that all hope between us was lost. I was giving it time and giving her space. I respected how I felt about her that much. It was worth waiting for.
Lacy leaned forward and put her hands around my neck. Then she leaned in for the kiss.
I turned my head just in time and her lips brushed my ear as I gently stepped back and softly broke her embrace.
She was confused, but I had to be straight with her.
“Lacy, you are a fun, beautiful, intelligent woman and any guy would be lucky to be with you. But this can’t happen between us. Number one we work together and I don’t get romantically involved with people I work with, especially when they work directly under me. You are my secretary, after all. And number two, I’m involved with someone else that I have very strong feelings for. So, I’m sorry.”
Lacy smiled and shook her head. “Wow, you are an even better guy than I thought. You realize you just became like even hotter, right?” Lacy laughed. “But I get it. Whoever she is—I hope she knows how lucky she is.”
Lacy said goodnight and started walking towards her car.
I breathed a sigh of relief thankful that Lacy had taken things so easily. She was a wonderful woman, but she wasn’t Naomi.
“I don’t think she is thinking much of me at all, actually,” I mumbled to myself as I fished my keys out of my pocket.
I drove home and immediately went to bed. I was exhausted. But sleep would not come to me. Lying there f
or hours in the dark just waiting for some rest to wash over me, I tried to think of something besides Naomi, but I kept picturing her in bed thinking about me and wondering if there was a way to do it over and fix it. Maybe she was afraid to reach out to me and tell me she’d made a mistake. Perhaps she was waiting on me to call her.
It was a lovely thought, but I knew it was wrong. Naomi had meant what she said and she was apparently sticking to it. If she wanted to talk to me then she knew how to find me.
It was almost two in the morning by the time I fell asleep. My slumber was short and not deep enough. But at least there were no dreams, no nightmares. At least none that I could remember. The sleep wasn’t quite deep enough for that. I’d learned to count my blessings.
The alarm went off at four-thirty and I rolled out of bed prepared for the workout.
Chapter Twelve
Naomi
“Are you sure?” I asked. This could not be happening. It had to be some kind of a sick, twisted dream. There was just no way… how could I have been so careless? What was I going to do?
“Yes,” Dr. Calahan replied. “I’m absolute certain. You’re pregnant.”
I felt like crying. My eyes already felt like they were going to burst from anguish but no tears would fall. It was like my body had decided to hold onto them for the foreseeable future and just stock up on my body fluids. It might have been on to something. I had a feeling I was going to do a lot of crying in the near future.
“I don’t understand why this is happening,” I said. I knew I wasn’t making much sense. I’d made the mistake of giving into the lust I had for Jay and we hadn’t bothered to use any protection. I just wanted him so badly that I just didn’t think it was necessary. Hell I knew a lot of people who tried for months or years—actively tried—before they conceived. The likelihood of conception from a few random sexual encounters was so low that I didn’t think it would really happen. If I happened to be in an actual relationship then I might have felt the need to get some birth control, but Jay and I just had a few random hookups. And now we were going to be parents. No… I was going to be a parent. I didn’t need Jay’s help, even if he wanted to. I didn’t want to be with him and I wasn’t going to have a child who was worried about their father getting injured or going on some mission and not coming back. I would never forgive myself if I let that kind of pain invade my child’s life.
