“I'm not sure. I'll wait until I get my money back and then probably head out.”
“I'm sure Leslie is going to miss you. She's pretty happy having you around.”
If Eric caught up to me, Leslie might not be so happy to have me around. I had no idea what he would do to me or anyone connected to me if he ever found out where I was. And I had no intention of finding out.
“She'll be okay. She has Dan and the kids.”
“Amelia might miss you. You two seem like friends.”
“I've spent time with her. Listened to her story.”
“Does she listen to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would she take advice from you?”
“Why do you want to know about Amelia?”
Jack sighed, ran his hands through his hair again, then leaned forward. “I was hoping you could convince her to think about foster care. Or at least a custody agreement.”
A chill crept into my chest. “Was that the reason for this date?”
“No.” Jack turned to me. “Not at all. Nor was the reason some opportunity to reform you or turn you into a Christian.”
“So why are you asking me these things?”
“Because you're here, no one else is around to hear us talk, and I'm concerned about Madison—and I know you are, too. Amelia is not cooperating with the hospital or the doctors. I wanted you to know that I have a friend in Social Services, and she's been making noises about removing Madison from Amelia's care.”
Chapter Twenty
A chill spread from my chest to my arms and legs, followed by the heat of anger. “You aren't serious.”
“I am. And so is Rod.”
I wrapped my arms tighter around my knees. Hugging myself against a sudden chill. I didn't want to think that Jack was on the wrong side of this struggle. Didn't want to acknowledge that the first date I'd had in years that made me feel comfortable around a man had an ulterior motive because of my connection to Amelia.
“Rod doesn't want Amelia to have Madison,” I said, my voice holding a sharp edge. “I wouldn't trust that snake farther than I can spit.”
Jack's sigh showed as much denial as his body language did. “Amelia was supposed to take her baby to the clinic for tests to find out why Madison isn't growing, but she's never shown up. She won't listen to the nurses or doctors at the hospital. Rod is worried about Madison, too.”
I shouldn't have been surprised that he would take his friend's part. None of my friends or Eric's friends had believed he had a wicked backhand either.
I leaned back on the bench, staring out at the trees. An evening breeze had sprung up, dancing through the leaves, creating a sibilant hiss. Though I couldn't see them now, I knew that beyond the trees were the mountains. Solid, firm. Surrounding this valley. They'd stood in their place long before we puny humans got here, and they would stay long after.
And within this bowl of beauty swirled sadness and sorrow. Broken lives and deception.
“Rod's not as worried about the baby as he is worried about losing control over Amelia,” I said quietly. “Madison is a way to keep control over Amelia. She's scared of him.”
Jack gave a disbelieving chuckle. “Rod? What's to be afraid of?”
“You'd be surprised,” I said quietly, rubbing my arm. I glanced down at my hand and stopped the nervous gesture, twisting my arm away to hide the scar.
Jack massaged the back of his neck and sighed. “Regardless of what you think of Rod, something needs to be done for that baby,” Jack said, ignoring my little interjection. “If you could talk to her, we might not have to do anything drastic. She could stay completely involved in Madison's life. In fact, her involvement would be integrated into any program Social Services recommends.”
“And if Amelia doesn't cooperate?”
“Social Services will have to go with something stronger than a custody agreement.”
“And you'll play right into Rod's hands.”
Jack's eyes narrowed. “How do you figure that?”
“Don't you understand? He wants Madison out of Amelia's life. Madison is competition for her attention…”
“Are you accusing Rod of neglecting Madison?”
“I'm accusing Rod of making it very difficult for Amelia to take proper care of a baby who isn't growing properly, who seems to need special care. Why doesn't he help her more?”
“Rod doesn't know how to take care of her, and Amelia won't let him.”
I could see we were on opposite sides of this problem. I didn't want to be on the opposite side of Jack. I wanted us to agree. I wanted him to see what was going on.
“I know Amelia needs help, but she doesn't need her baby taken away from her. Mothers should be with their babies. She hasn't always made bad choices. She chose to have that child. She could have swept that child from her life… Could have…” I stopped there.
Too close. Too close.
I clamped my lips together, holding back any more confessions that might spill out.
“You're not just talking about Amelia anymore, are you?” His quiet question slipped past defenses that had begun crumbling from the first conversation I'd had with this man. Under normal circumstances, I would have gone into high-defense mode and scrammed.
But for now, I was stuck here, Jack's deep voice creating an intimacy I had never felt before.
I felt Jack's hand rest on my neck, his fingers tangling in my hair. “Why don't you tell me?”
“I know what it's like to be in a relationship where you have no power,” I said, pleased that I sounded fairly together. “Where people doubt you and are quick to believe the man who abuses you.”
My mind slipped back, resurrecting the anger I needed to keep my distance from Jack. To keep my mind off his hand resting on my neck. A small comfort I wanted to give in to, but didn't dare. “Amelia is not a loser; she's just lost. She needs guidance. Why don't you let Madison stay with Amelia and put them both in a place where they can be taken care of?”
“I don't know if Amelia would agree to that.”
“She certainly won't agree to your taking her baby away.”
“You act like you don't care about other people, but you really care about this girl.” His hand still lay warm on my neck. “And I want you, no—I need you—to know that I care about her, too. I'm not deliberately trying to hurt her. I do have a heart, you know.”
A shiver trickled down my spine as his fingers lightly caressed my skin. I knew he had a heart. I also knew he was pursuing me. And oh, how I wanted to lean into his touch. To be held by a good man.
“I care because Amelia is me. Her life is mine.” My voice faltered.
“What do you mean? How is her life like yours?”
I tried to stop the words, but they poured out of me like a river breaking through a dam that had slowly been cracked by steady pressure. “I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. Amelia managed to keep hers.”
Jack's fingers stilled. “What happened to your baby?”
My emotions teetered, but I clamped down. Regained control. “I had a miscarriage. I lost the baby.” I kept my voice even. It was just a fact. Just a fetus.
“Oh, Terra. I'm so sorry.” The sympathy in his voice was almost my undoing, but I soldiered on.
“I didn't deserve her.”
“What are you saying?”
What was I saying? I waved his question away.
“What do you mean you didn't deserve her?” he pressed.
As if it had its own will, my hand crept up and caught his hand as it rested on my shoulder, craving the stability he represented.
His fingers tangled in mine, rough and large, squeezing as his concern washed over me like a subtle undertow and my grip on my emotions loosened.
A sob heaved through my chest. Before it ebbed and I could stop it, another followed. And another.
And without knowing how it happened, I felt myself pressed against his chest.
His hand gripped my sh
oulder, his other arm held me at my waist, anchoring me to him while an unnamed sadness coursed through me. And then from nowhere came hot tears slipping out like a stream, dampening his shirt.
The sorrow washed over my feeble resistance, laying bare the pain and sorrow I had kept hidden all this time. The tears I couldn't shed in the hospital or in the weeks following, the tears I couldn't release even around my sister, now became a deluge.
He just held me, saying nothing, stroking my hair, holding me against him.
A quiet refuge.
I allowed myself a few more moments in this calm place, letting his strength hold me up. How long had it been since the feel of a man's arms around me created a shelter? I couldn't remember.
But slowly reality intruded into the little haven he had created for me.
The buttons from the pocket of his shirt dug into my cheek, and my arm tingled from being pressed between us, so I drew back.
I dug in my pocket for a worn tissue. Then his hand cupped my chin. He took the tissue from me and gently wiped away my tears.
The moment trembled between us, and even though I knew I was flirting with trouble, I looked up into his eyes. In their hazel depths I saw gentleness and caring.
I was on the verge of nurturing this moment and letting it take a new shape in my life, even as a joke bubbled up that would break the fragile spell Jack's tenderness wove around me.
But as Jack brushed my damp hair back from my face, I felt his kindness and concern in the light touch of his hands, the way his eyes drifted over my face, waiting for me to open up.
Jack didn't deserve to have his benevolence treated with disdain just so I could keep a hedge around my emotions.
His hand lingered on my cheek, the calluses on his palms snagging on a few strands of hair that still clung to my face.
I gave in to an impulse and covered his hand with mine. As my hand tightened on his, something in his eyes shifted. And then he came nearer, his face became a blur, and his lips were on mine.
I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to let this happen.
But my unstable emotions didn't let me hold my ground, and, Lord forgive me, I leaned closer. Let my free hand slip around his neck and hold him there.
My hungry, lonely soul drank in the slightly salty taste of his lips, the connection created by our mouths.
And when his arms pulled me close again, the abrupt shift from the tenderness of his previous embrace to the longing I now felt both in him and in myself gave me the strength to pull away.
“I'm sorry,” Jack murmured, but he didn't immediately lower his arms. Didn't immediately let me go. “That wasn't fair.”
I had to close my eyes so I couldn't see his face. I knew one look at his eyes, and I would be undone.
I wasn't the woman for Jack De Windt. My heart might not clue into the fact, but my head knew it for a certainty.
I had been in dark, hard places. He deserved someone with a whole lot less baggage, and I didn't need to get involved with another man. What had I done? I had told myself again and again, with every footfall as I left Seattle. No. More. Men.
This vulnerability was precisely the thing I needed to avoid. I couldn't take a chance on letting anyone get ahold of a piece of my heart. Eric's snide erosion of my self-worth made moving on an easy decision.
Jack? Different man. Different story.
Much, much harder.
I pressed my fisted hands against my stomach, and thankfully Jack read my mute request. But when he withdrew, the lonely part of me wanted to snatch back what he had silently offered and what I had refused. He confused me, and I didn't like the feeling.
“So now what?”
I had no answer. I had told him something I hadn't even told my sister. Becoming connected to Jack hadn't been part of my Harland scenario. Leaving was not a matter of speculation; it was simply a matter of time. I had to keep moving.
“I'd like to go home now.”
“I'll drive you.”
I shook my head. At the moment I felt vulnerable and needy. Putting that mix into the confines of a pickup truck, in the evening, with Jack, would be asking for trouble. “I'll walk.”
“It's dark out.”
I chanced a glance at him. “So now I'm getting an astronomy report?”
The barb served its purpose. Jack's face tightened and he pushed himself to his feet. “I don't want anything to happen to you.”
Warning. Don't read more into his comment than he meant.
The way he pulled the sides of his mouth in made him look all tough and “I mean business.”
“I'm a big girl in a small town. I'll be fine.”
Jack's eyes narrowed as he held my gaze a heartbeat more, but I stood my ground.
He got up. He started to leave, but stopped in front of me, his hands on his hips in his cop stance. “I know what happens in this town after dark. You're not walking.”
I wanted to protest again but didn't have the energy or strength. So I simply nodded and followed him to his truck.
As we drove, I kept my eyes ahead, trying not to relive his kiss. Trying not to remember how good it felt to be in his arms. How I felt safe. Protected.
Trying not to remember what I'd spilled out while he was holding me.
We pulled onto my street and Jack stopped in front of the house. I was about to thank him for the ride, but he was already getting out of the truck.
This guy is killing me with kindness, I thought as I waited for him to open my door.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said, slipping out of the truck.
“I'll walk you to the door.”
“You know, I'm one of the criminal elements you're trying to keep me safe from in this town.”
“You're not a criminal,” he growled, an unexpected edge to his voice. “Ralph is an idiot, but I didn't have any choice. Not when he had four of his buddies backing him.”
The streetlight shone in my face, cast his in shadows. All I saw was the glimmer of his eyes. Then his head blotted out the light and his lips touched mine so lightly I might have imagined it.
“That's in case you thought the other one was simply for pity,” he said, brushing his knuckles over my cheek.
I couldn't breathe. I needed to breathe, or I was going to fall over.
“Thanks,” I said, my voice a feeble whisper.
Brilliant. You can't breathe and you can't think. A handsome, appealing, caring guy kisses you, and all you can come up with is, “Thanks”
“You're welcome.” And I caught a glimmer in his eyes and a flash of white from his smile. “I'd like to see you again.”
“I'm always at the diner. Stop on by.” I gave him a casual wave. Somehow I had to get this evening on a footing I was more comfortable with, but just as I was about to step away, he caught my hand.
“You know what I mean.” He twisted his fingers around mine.
Don't do it. Don't fall for it. You just broke down in his arms; you're all mixed up.
“I think I do,” I said, tightening my hand in his.
Leslie warned you against him. Are you going to go against your own sister's advice?
And since when did my alter ego care about Leslie?
“I'd like to try again,” he was saying. “Could we do dinner sometime?”
Don't get tangled up with the Christian cop before you go.
For once the cynical voice in my head held a tinge of truth and wisdom. Getting involved with Jack was the wrong thing for me to do.
“We'll see,” I said vaguely.
“Let me know.” He lifted my hand and brushed a kiss across my knuckles. “But just in case you get all panicky, there are no expectations. I just like being with you.”
Oh, c'mon. Is this guy for real?
His eyes held mine and stillness pervaded my being. As if a quiet strength that was the essence of Jack was slowly seeping into me.
No expectations.
I had stayed with Eric because of his confidence. His self-pos
session made me hope that by being with him, I might absorb some of that confidence. But it had gone the other way. Eric had absorbed me; had slowly sucked away what self-confidence I had.
With Jack, I felt as if I was receiving, not giving.
I didn't know where to put this in my guy experiences. This was a novelty and, I was afraid, an illusion.
Panic clustered around my heart. Panic and a touch of fear that had nothing to do with Jack's strength or his confidence and everything to do with what I had just told him. Everything to do with the way he was looking at me now. The way his thumb was slowly caressing my hand.
No expectations.
He leaned closer and waited, the moment stretching out between us, rife with waiting, and I knew what he was doing. He wanted me to make the next move.
I closed my eyes, wavering between my past and the hesitant promise that trembled in the moment between us.
Don't do this. You're heading down a dark, dangerous path.
I wanted the voice to be quiet, but I let the panic take over and pulled away.
I had to go.
I had to get out of here before this guy got a stronger hold on my heart.
I pushed past him. I would go pack up. Head down the road. I had a little bit of money left over after paying Leslie back. I could ask Lennie for my wages tomorrow. Then leave. I might not get as far as Chicago, but maybe I could find something in eastern Montana, or the Dakotas. I found a job here. It shouldn't be too hard someplace else.
“So I heard you and Jack were at the park Friday night,” Cor said as I poured him another cup of coffee.
I wasn't going to blush. Wasn't going to let that memory intrude on the cold light of today.
Cor and Father Sam hadn't shown up on Saturday. Nor, thankfully, had Jack. I appreciated the reprieve and the opportunity to gather my wits. To get lost in work. To make my plans. Yesterday I took on the Sunday shift to give Helen a break and, of course, to earn what extra money I could. I had no intention of going to church.
When Leslie called to ask how my date went, I kept things vague, remembering how less than pleased she was with the idea of my going out with Jack.
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