Then, while I was still trying to absorb it all, I looked out the half-open door and there stood Jack, his arms folded across his brown jacket, his head bare, his eyes looking directly at me.
And from the hard set of his features, I was sure he had heard every word of my sorry tale.
“Thanks for your time, Terra,” Sheriff Diener said, snapping shut his notebook. “I just have to ask Dr. Brown and Leslie a few questions and we're done here.”
Jack nodded, and when Sheriff Diener left, pushed himself away from the wall and walked toward me. “How are you doing?” he asked, his voice softened with concern.
I kept my eyes on the vending machine across from me. “I'm okay.” The epitome of bland. What else could I say? I had to gather up some vestige of privacy. I had just let go of secrets I'd held to myself for years, and this man, whom I barely knew, might have heard them. “So what's going to happen to Eric?”
“He'll probably get bail.”
I felt a shiver of fear.
“But I'm pretty sure he won't be trying anything.” He waited a beat, then crouched down in front of me. “Are you going to be okay?”
When he took my hand, his calluses rough on my skin, I tried not to read more into it than plain ordinary comfort. And though I yearned for more than that, I knew for now I didn't deserve more.
I didn't want to think that I didn't deserve him. Living with Eric had worn away enough of my self-esteem. But the reality was that I was hardly the virginal girlfriend I was sure good Christian men like him preferred.
“I'm sorry we didn't get to go on our picnic.”
I was too.
And with that, he straightened, then left.
I released the breath I hadn't known I was holding. Well, I guess that was that.
Chapter Twenty-four
An hour later, Leslie's car crunched up the gravel drive to her home.
This was a home with a complete family. And in spite of their troubles, Dan and Leslie had stuck it out. They were established members of society with neat and tidy lives. They went to church and paid taxes. They didn't have public brawls on the church steps with ex-live-ins who had threatened to kill them.
No amount of self-talk could get rid of the feeling that I was a ragged, naked, and unworthy prodigal sister come to beg for scraps.
“Are you going to tell Dan?” I asked as Leslie parked the car.
“I'm sure he and half of Harland know about Eric already,” she said.
“I meant about the rest.”
Leslie turned off the engine, and as the quiet of the country pressed in on us, she sighed. “He doesn't need to know. But I want him to know. I want him to understand what you've had to deal with.”
My silence must have said more than I realized because suddenly Leslie grabbed my hands in hers. “None of us deserve what we have. All of us need God's grace in our lives. All of us. And that includes Dan and me and his family.”
I wished I believed her. But even as she spoke those quiet words of reassurance, I kept seeing Jack's face. Kept wondering what was going through his mind.
I got out of the car and followed Leslie up the walk to the house. The door opened on our arrival, and Dan stood silhouetted against the light. Leslie got a hug, a gentle kiss.
Then Dan let go of Leslie, walked forward, and stood in front of me. “Nice to have you here,” he said, holding out his hand to me.
“Thanks, Dan.” I took his hand, and then, to my surprise, he pulled me close in a rough hug. He held me for a moment, then stepped away, looking as if his manliness had somehow been compromised. In spite of the turmoil of emotions I had just dealt with, I had to smile.
Leslie led me upstairs. I showered, changed, and, ignoring the time on the clock, crawled into bed, weary and wrung out. But no sooner had I pulled the blankets around me than the door opened once again.
“You may as well come in,” I said, turning over.
“You don't mind?” Leslie poked her head through the door, her expression tentative.
“Please. Come.”
When she was settled on the bed, facing me, she reached over and gently stroked a strand of damp hair away from my face. “I'm so glad you can stay here for a bit.”
“I'm glad too.” The last words came out with a weary sigh. “I think I need to be here.”
Leslie smiled. “You know, as much as I grumbled about how you came here, it was meant to be.”
“Destiny?”
“Well, I was praying for you.”
“So I didn't have any choice?”
“Not as much as you thought you did.”
“And all the stuff that happened?”
“Who knows the mind of God?” Leslie said. Her face grew serious. “I want to tell you that I'm sorry I warned you against Jack. That wasn't fair. Wasn't my business.”
“You were probably right, though. I haven't been one to stick around.”
“Meaning you might be now?”
I wished I could answer her. “I don't know what I want anymore.”
“You could stay awhile. Figure out what you want to do.”
“I could.”
“I think Jack would want you to.”
“You were right, Leslie. I'm not good enough for him.”
“Do you like him?”
“What is this, a junior high slumber party?”
“Do you?” Leslie repeated her question, her voice quiet. Serious.
“I'd like to.”
Leslie's smile showed me I was off the hook. “That's good.”
“Though I still feel unworthy.”
“I have to think of something I read somewhere. Something about our spirits being restless and finding their rest in God. I've found a lot of peace in my life since I became a Christian.” Leslie cocked her head to one side. “I think you came here seeking, consciously or unconsciously. I think you knew your life wasn't working. And I'd like to think that God answered my prayer by bringing you back.”
“Poor little lost lamb chop,” I said.
“Yeah. Poor lost Terra.” She breathed out my name on a light sigh, then touched my hand. “Can I pray with you?”
I nodded, my previous objections to faith withered by the steady onslaught of words, love, and caring I had received since coming to Harland.
I had no defense and, I realized, no longer wanted one. My resistance had been an unthinking absorption of my mother's thoughts and opinions. I had never read or experienced enough to form my own.
But here in Harland, I had experienced God as tangible. As real. And I wanted to bridge that chasm and get to know Him for myself.
“You need to close your eyes,” Leslie instructed. “Then you won't get distracted.”
When I did, she began.
“Dear Lord, thank You that Terra came here. Thank You for what she showed me. For what she told me. Please, heal her pain, Lord. Fill the emptiness in her life with Your love. Help her see that she can find rest for her weary soul in You.”
I felt like a distant cousin being presented to the patriarch of a family. Unworthy and unrecognized.
Yet, as she prayed, a gentle peace suffused me, washing away the stress of the evening, softening the pain I had unearthed. I felt carried. Like the lost lamb Cor had said I was.
Then she said, “In Jesus' name, amen,” and squeezed my hands, and I dared to open my eyes.
“That's it?” I asked.
Leslie smiled. “For now.” She stroked my cheek, then bent over and kissed me lightly on the forehead. “You just rest.”
I smiled at her as my mind grew fuzzy, waited until the door clicked shut behind her, then rolled over onto my side and let sleep's sticky fingers draw me down.
Sasha sighed, dropped her head onto her paws, and lifted her eyes, as if double-checking to see if maybe, this time, I would leave the shelter of this poplar tree on the crest of the hill and go wandering as we'd done yesterday.
I liked sitting under this tree. I liked how the leaves rustled w
hen the wind picked up, laying down a gentle foundation of sound on which to gather my scattered thoughts.
I'd found the tree the day before in my uncharted rambles around the pastures and fields of Dan and Leslie's farm. I had a perfect view of fields laid out below me with swaths of alternating brown and green. Summer fallow and crops, Dan had told me. The patterns of dryland farming.
Shadows of the puffy clouds in the endless sky above chased one another silently across the valley, and all around, serene and quiet, lay the jagged purple edge of mountains. Like a border of lace on a tablecloth.
Sasha sighed a doggy sigh, then closed her eyes, giving up on me. I opened the Bible that Leslie had given me and turned to one of the psalms she had recommended.
Psalm 130.
“A song of ascents.” Whatever that meant.
I took a deep breath and started reading out loud, my voice muted, lost in the vast space surrounding me. “‘Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.’” I took a moment to let the words settle into my soul. To let them speak for me. I wondered if God could pick the sound out of the millions of voices that cried out to Him every day. Leslie said He could and He did.
“‘If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand?’” I liked the sound of that word prefacing the question. If. Keeping a record of sins was not a foregone conclusion. Were my own sins lost? Unrecorded? “‘But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.’” I didn't understand that part, but I clung to the forgiveness portion of the psalm. I still felt I had much to be forgiven for. But since I had come to Harland, I'd also felt the first glimmerings of hope and of reconciliation. As I worked alongside Leslie through the rhythms of her day as wife and mother, I felt a gentle peace suffuse a life that had seen little of it in the past few months.
Sasha lifted her head, then jumped to her feet, her tail wagging, looking down the cow trail we had followed to get here.
I wondered if Leslie had followed me, but as I turned around with a happy smile of welcome, my heart forgot its next beat.
Jack strode up the trail toward me, his hands tucked in the pockets of his blue jeans, his eyes on the ground ahead of him. He looked up as Sasha bounded toward him. As he reached out to pet her, his gaze caught and held mine.
“Hey there,” he said, his rough voice resonating in the thick quiet his presence created. “Leslie said I could find you here. I hope you don't mind.”
I shook my head, embarrassingly tongue-tied.
“Dad and I brought your car.”
“How is your dad?”
“He's fine. Wondering when you're coming back to listen to some more bad jokes and serve him coffee at the café. He and Father Sam miss you. Some of the other patrons have been making up new names for the menu items.”
“That'll be interesting.” I was missed. Imagine that.
“Thought you might also want to know about Eric,” he said, still petting Sasha, who leaned against his leg, soaking up the extra attention. “Can I…?” He gestured toward the ground beside me. I moved over as he sat down.
“You won't have to show up at the trial if you don't want to,” Jack said. “There were enough witnesses.”
“The wheels of justice seemed to turn quicker for Eric than for me. I had to wait longer for a trial.”
Jack scratched Sasha behind the ears. “Well, there were a few extenuating circumstances with you and Ralph.”
“How so?”
Jack shrugged. “I figured I could get Ralph to drop the charges, so I just told the judge that things were pending yet. And I was right.”
“I don't know if I thanked you properly for that.”
Jack's gaze caught and held mine. “There's time.” The faint promise in those words kindled a glow of hope.
“Good to know.”
“I also talked to Rod. Amelia has agreed to in-home care, and Rod has agreed that he needs to get out of her life for a while. So she can sort things out.”
“They were living together, but that didn't bother you?”
“It did. I'm not going to lie.”
I winced from the deflected blow, but I had no right to be upset.
Jack had standards, and I knew I fell short of them. Reality check, missy.
“Amelia also agreed to have medical assessment tests done on Madison and to get a nutritionist involved.”
“I'm so glad. That baby needs some extra care.”
“She's getting it.” He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked out over the fields. Finally he looked sidelong at me. “Did you get past Deuteronomy?”
I held up the Bible, still open to Psalm 130. “Leslie gave me some suggestions. Should be an interesting trip. Probably the only one I'll be taking for awhile.”
Jack leaned back against the tree.
“So that means you're not taking my dad's old car and heading down the open road?”
I shook my head, running my thumb down the gilt edge of the page. “I was thinking of staying before you asked me to.”
“I'm glad.”
I turned to face him. “Why?”
He fixed me with a clear, unwavering gaze. “Because I like you. And I want to get to know you better.”
Long seconds ticked between us as I absorbed the promise in his words.
“In spite of the messy life you got to hear about the other day in the hospital?”
Through the thin knit of my T-shirt I felt the warmth of his hand on my shoulder. “I heard the story of a young girl who didn't have the support and guidance she needed. A girl whose only mistake was to believe the advice of people who didn't care as much for her as they should have. I heard about a woman who was abused and working with wrong information.”
“What I should have done was talk to someone else.”
“Who?”
I had no answer. His hand tightened, then turned me to face him. “What you did when you were young was a mistake. But what you did for Amelia was an atonement, Terra.” He sat up, slipped his hand to the back of my neck, and let his fingers linger a moment, sending shivers up my neck. “You showed me how a Christian should behave.”
His words were like rain on parched ground. I hardly dared believe that this upstanding, caring man was sitting beside me, his deep voice filling empty spaces in my life while his hand caressed my neck.
“Did you mean what you said about staying around?”
“Yeah. Don't have anywhere else to go and no reason to go there. Why?”
“My dad told me I was too cautious, and much as I hated to admit it, he was right. I've always been so careful about who I dated. I was waiting for something, some connection that never happened. Then you came whirling into town, and for the first time in a long time, I met a girl I found fascinating. So I decided to take a chance, and I was hoping you'd be willing to do the same. To take a chance to let us get to know each other better. See where it goes.”
I sat immobile, hardly daring to believe what he was saying. “I've got a lot to learn,” I said quietly, unsure of how to progress. “And a lot of other baggage comes with me. Other sins. Other mistakes.”
Jack gently took the Bible from my unresisting hands. He paged through the book one-handed, then started reading.
“‘He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.’” Jack smiled at me, the crinkles I was getting to know well forming at the corners of his eyes. “I guess that pretty much tells you what can happen to those mistakes and that baggage.”
“As high as the heavens are above the earth” Above us, white clouds drifted aimlessly, blown by a wind I couldn't feel. I thought of my first view of Harland. Of the endless blue sky. “That's a long ways.” Then, looking back at Jack, I took a chance, as he had recomme
nded, and reached out with both hands and cupped his face. “I guess someone willing to hitchhike the roads of Harland County, work with Mathilde, and try to read the Bible for the first time in her life should be able to take a chance with a policeman.”
Jack's smile held all the promises of tomorrow.
His kiss was the seal on today.
Reading Group Guide
Terra has been living footloose and so-called fancy free. What are the advantages of a lifestyle like that? The disadvantages?
Terra carried a burden of guilt that took time for her to acknowledge. Why do you think she hid it? What were some of the things she felt guilty about? What are some of the things she should have felt guilty about?
Father Sam spoke of confession being a bridge to God. Do you agree? Why?
Many women are caught in situations that are destructive and abusive. How do you think this happens?
Terra originally planned to stay with her sister, Leslie, only for a short while. Why do you think she wanted to keep moving? What made her want to stay?
Why do you think the story line of Leslie and Terra's mother wasn't resolved? How do you see that playing out? What are some possibilities for this situation that are realistic?
Terra befriended a young woman who was struggling. Could you identify with Terra's point of view of the situation? Have you ever made a wrong call on a situation based on your own experiences? If so, how did you resolve it?
Why do you think Terra assumed God would not forgive what she had done?
In this second book a recurring character, Tabitha, shows up again, making yet another set of mistakes. Why does it take some people a couple of times to learn a lesson? How do you think this was mirrored in Terra's life?
There are a couple of themes running through this book. What do you think one of them is?
About the Author
Carolyne was originally a city girl transplanted to the country when she married her dear husband, Richard. Thankfully the move took. While raising four children and a number of foster children, as well as assorted chickens, dogs, cats, and cows, Carolyne's résumé gained a few unique entries. Besides the usual challenges and joys of wife and motherhood, she found out how to grow a garden, can produce, bake, sew, pickle, and preserve. She learned how to sort pigs; handle cows; cant logs at their small sawmill; drive a tractor, an ATV, a snow machine; ride a horse; and train a colt. Through all of this, she came to appreciate the open spaces of the countryside, the pace of life away from the city, and the fellowship in the Christian community she and her family became a part of. She is most thankful, however, to be able to express her faith in God through the books and stories she writes.
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