His words only make the tears come harder. I don’t want him to not do it again. I want him to do what he just did over and over again. I want those feelings, those emotions, the desire—all of it—again. But she won’t let me have it.
9
I rip my hand away from Garret’s and run into the girls’ locker room.
“Jade, come back!” I hear his voice echoing behind me.
I turn on the shower and sit on the cold tile floor, letting the hot water warm me. I wrap my arms around my bent knees and let my head hang over them. My tears meet up with the running water that’s flowing around me. I watch as the water swirls before it hits the big metal holes of the floor drain. It hesitates, like it doesn’t want to go down that dark hole. I know exactly how it feels. Every time something good happens in my life, I hesitate, thinking it can’t be real. Knowing it won’t last. And then it doesn’t and I end up right back down that dark hole.
Why do I let her get to me this way? Why does she have this power over me? I’m not her. I was the freaking valedictorian. I got a full ride scholarship to a prestigious private college. I’m not going to get knocked up from a one night stand and spend the rest of my life drugging myself until I end up dead on the bathroom floor.
I remember the day a boy came to my house looking for me. He was in my class and was just bringing me a book I left at school. But my mother assumed he was there for sex. She was so determined to prevent any possibility of an accidental pregnancy that she put me on the pill the second I got my period. I was 13 for crying out loud! I hadn’t even kissed a boy!
Even if I did get pregnant, which I would never allow to happen, I would still never end up like her. What kind of person starts drugging herself with hard liquor and prescription pills as soon as she has a baby? And then keeps it up, getting more addicted every year? Only a sick, selfish, horrible human being who lacks any kind of compassion for the tiny, helpless person who never wanted to be born into those conditions.
Steam from the shower engulfs me as I sit there on the floor. My tears have slowed but rage is still seething inside me. I hate her. I hate her so much. But I can’t let her words keep controlling me like this. She’s taken too much from me already. She can’t take the rest of my life away.
I stand up slowly and turn the shower off. I dry off and put my shorts and tank top back on, shivering from the air conditioning. My wet hair makes me even colder, but I’m too tired to dry it.
When I get back outside, I hear a voice behind me.
“Hey.” Garret speaks soft and low. I stop and feel his hand gently slip into mine. Every cell in my body wants to run, but for some unexplained reason I turn to him, keeping my head down. He steps up right in front of me, then releases my hand and wraps his arms around me without saying a word.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, still smelling the chlorine on our skin. My arms remain at my sides as I bury my head in his chest and listen to his heart beat. It’s beating fast, probably because he was scared shitless to approach me again. It slows as we stand there in complete silence. I savor how it feels to be this close to someone because I’m not sure I’ll let him, or anyone, ever be this close again.
Eventually I pull away from him, but his arms remain around my waist. I keep my head down, too embarrassed to face him. “I’m sorry for how I reacted in there.”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I didn’t mean for that to happen, Jade. That wasn’t my intention when I invited you to swim with me.”
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Because of what just happened?”
“No. It just won’t work.”
“You don’t like me that way, right?”
Don’t like him that way? Is he serious? If he only knew how much I like him that way. My outburst must have really freaked him out for him to think that.
“I just can’t be in a relationship right now. I need to focus on school.”
He lets go of me, but takes hold of both my hands as they lie at my sides. “Then I’ll just be your friend. Everyone needs friends, right?”
I look up at him. “I don’t know. I’m not a very good friend. You might want to choose someone else.”
He smiles. “Nope. I’m choosing you. Only you can help me polish off one of those Boxcar sundaes. Other girls would take one bite and leave the rest. And only you know that I secretly like cartoons. Don’t you dare tell anyone that, by the way.”
The comment makes me laugh, which doesn’t seem possible after how I felt just minutes ago.
“And someday, even if we’re the best of friends, I’m gonna beat your ass on that track.”
“You’re never gonna beat me. You’ll always be at least a lap behind.”
“Then I’ll just keep chasing you until you let me catch up.” He waits for me to look at him. “What do you think? Can we be friends?”
I want so badly to be more than friends with him, but if that’s all my broken soul can handle, I’ll take it. I don’t want this boy out of my life.
“I guess. But I’m not going to treat you any differently. It’s not like I’m gonna be nice to you all of a sudden.”
“No, of course not.”
“We should go. We’ve got orientation first thing in the morning.”
He lets go of one of my hands, but keeps hold of the other as we walk back up the hill.
The campus is much busier now. Almost everyone has moved in. People and cars fill the area outside our residence hall. I jump when someone blasts their car radio as I walk by. Garret watches me, probably rethinking the friend agreement with someone as crazy as me.
“I don’t like loud noises,” I explain. “Especially when they come out of nowhere.”
“You can’t really get away from noise on a college campus, Jade.”
“I know. Doesn’t mean I like it.”
He stops before we reach the door to our residence hall. “I almost forgot. You haven’t eaten all day. Dry your hair and we’ll go out.”
“That’s okay. It’s too late to eat.”
“It’s not even 8. You need to eat something. Chips and soda aren’t enough.”
I don’t have much of an appetite but my stomach does feel empty. “There’s a taco place just down the road from here. Let’s go there.”
“That shitty stand?”
“Yeah. I ate there the other day. It was good.”
“No way. Everyone who eats there gets sick. We call it Taco Hell.”
“I didn’t get sick. I felt fine.”
“I can’t take you to Taco Hell. Anywhere else but there.” He pauses to think. “How about The Burger Hut? It’s fast and cheap.”
“Sounds good to me.” When we get inside I spot Harper in the hallway coming out of the bathroom. She’s in her pink bathrobe walking with her head down.
“Hi, Harper. This is—”
She puts her hand up, briefly glancing up to see it’s me. “I’m sorry, Jade. I can’t talk now. I’m so sick. I think it’s from that food we ate the other day.”
“The tacos?” I ask cautiously.
“Oh, God. Please don’t say that word.” She turns and runs back to the bathroom.
Garret gives me the I-told-you-so-look.
“Fine,” I mutter. “I’ll never go there again.”
“I’m going upstairs to change quick. I’ll be right back.”
While he’s gone, I go in my room and throw on jeans and a long sleeve shirt. As I’m drying my hair, I start to wonder if Garret will even come back to my room. By now, he’s gotta think I’m a complete nut job. He was probably just being nice back at the pool so I wouldn’t blow up at him again.
Ten minutes pass and he still hasn’t come downstairs. How long does he need to change clothes? He knows how fast I am. Another 5 minutes pass. I sit on my bed and wait. I’ve never waited for a guy. I’m not that girl who gives the guy all the control. So why am I waiting for him? He’s never coming back. He’s probably upstair
s right now telling his entire floor about the crazy girl on the first floor.
“Forget this,” I say out loud. As I open my door to leave, Garret’s standing there.
“Were you going somewhere?”
“What took you so long?”
He steps aside and Blake appears, in neon green board shorts, a navy blue t-shirt, and flip-flops, his messy blond hair hanging like a mop on his head.
“Hey, Ohio.” He pushes past me into my room and plops down on my bed, putting his feet up and placing his hands behind his head like he plans to stay a while.
Garret mouths “sorry” to me, then goes over to Blake and shoves his feet off the bed. “Get up, Blake. And get out of her room.”
“I need to rest a minute.” He yawns and puts his feet up again.
“I mean it. Get up. Now.” Garret stands above him, waiting for him to move.
“I’ll get up when I’m ready to get up. And it’s not even your room so shut the fuck up. Ohio’s not telling me to go.”
“My name is Jade. And I’m from Iowa. Not Ohio.”
“Same difference,” he mumbles.
“Uh, no. They’re two different states. They’re not even next to each other. Never mind. Just get out of here.”
He sits up on his elbows. “You’re not very friendly, Ohio. I thought people in the middle were supposed to be all friendly and shit.”
“Get off her bed,” Garret orders, getting impatient.
“What are you doing here anyway?” I ask Blake. “I thought you lived off campus.”
Blake stands up and drapes his arm over Garret. “I’m visiting my buddy here. Ever since you came to town I never see this guy. We were supposed to spend these last few days before class getting wasted and instead he’s hanging out with some chick from Ohio.”
Blake’s been drinking. I didn’t notice it at first because of that disgusting cologne he bathes himself in. But now that he’s in front of me, I can smell the liquor when he opens his mouth.
“It’s Jade,” I say forcefully. “And I’m not from Ohio.”
“Whatever, bitch.”
Garret shoves Blake’s arm off his shoulder, then grabs hold of it and twists it back. “What did you just call her?”
Blake yanks his arm away from Garret and rubs his shoulder. “What the fuck did you do that for?”
“You’ll never call her that again. Understand?”
A disgusting grin crosses Blake’s face. “So you’re sleeping with his girl? That’s why you’re never around?”
I can feel the tension in the room as Garret’s temper rises. “I’m seriously gonna hurt you if you don’t get the fuck out of here.”
“Fine. I’m going.” Blake stumbles into the hallway. “I should go anyway. I’ve got some tequila waiting for me at home.”
“Is he driving?” I whisper to Garret. “He can’t drive like that.”
Garret sighs. “I’ll go drop him off and be right back, okay?”
“I’ll go with you.” I grab my purse and follow him out into the hall.
“We’re taking you home, Blake,” Garret says.
“I can drive.” He yawns. “I’m just tired.”
“You had too much to drink. You’re not driving.” Garret and I walk past him.
“I need my car to get to orientation tomorrow.”
“Then Jade will drive it and I’ll take you in my car. Give her the keys.”
“Shit, no! I’m not letting Ohio drive my car. There’s no fucking way. No girl drives my car.”
Garret gets up in his face. “Then give me your keys and she’ll drive my car. Now let’s go.”
“You’re really pissing me off.” Blake reaches in his pocket and gives Garret the keys. “Ohio better be worth it.”
We walk down the hall and outside to the parking lot. Garret tosses me his car keys. I stare at the keys like I’m not sure what to do with them. I’ve never driven a BMW. I’m almost too scared to drive it. What if I wreck it?
“Just follow me, Jade,” Garret says. He’s standing next to a red Porsche. Blake is already inside. “His place is just a few minutes from here.”
I get in Garret’s car and adjust the seat. Then I search for the lights and put on my seatbelt. I can’t believe he’s letting me drive his BMW. He barely knows me. This car is worth more than the house I grew up in.
The Porsche starts driving off so I hurry up and follow it. We go down the main road then turn off onto a dark narrow side road lined with trees. It’s so dark that I need the brighter headlights, but I can’t figure out how to turn them on.
We come to a stop at a gated entrance and Garret says something to the guard. When I get to the gate, the guard waves me through. Garret parks in front of a two-story condo. I was imagining a tall building filled with tiny, crappy apartments. But rich boy, Blake, wouldn’t live in a place like that.
Garret gets out of the Porsche and slams the door shut, tossing the keys to Blake. Drunk boy can’t catch and searches the ground for his keys.
I get out of Garret’s car and get back in on the passenger’s side.
Blake stands up again, shoving his keys in his pocket. “Wait ’til your dad hears about this,” he says to Garret. “You can kiss that trust fund goodbye.”
Garret ignores him and joins me in the car. He backs up, then speeds off, stopping abruptly to wait for the gate to open.
“Is something wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” he snaps.
“You seem really mad. We can just go back to the dorms if you want. We can skip dinner.”
“We’re not skipping dinner. Blake just pisses me off. I’ll be fine in a minute or two.”
“If he pisses you off, why do you hang out with him?”
Garret adjusts the rear view mirror which I moved when I was driving. “Just forget about it, okay?”
“What did he mean about your dad?”
“Jade. I asked you to stop talking about it. Just drop it.”
I turn away and stare into the darkness. We go to the burger place and Garret insists on eating there instead of taking it back to our rooms, but he doesn’t say anything all through dinner. He seems distant, like his mind is somewhere else. I don’t ask him about it because I’d rather not know what’s causing this. I’m hoping it’s just Blake and that he’ll get over it soon.
People are right about first impressions. From the minute I met Blake I knew I didn’t like him. And this just confirms it. Even Garret doesn’t seem to like the guy. I wonder why they’re even friends.
10
On Tuesday morning the dining halls are finally open. As I’m getting ready to head down there for breakfast, the phone rings.
“Jade, it’s Frank. How’s it going?” His voice is strong which I take as a sign he’s getting better.
“Hey, Frank. How are you feeling?”
“I’m good, but I called to ask about you. Are you doing okay out there in Connecticut?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
“We sure miss you. It’s just not the same without you around.”
I wish he wouldn’t say that. I miss them, too, but I can’t keep thinking about it. “I’m sure Ryan’s keeping you company.”
“Yes.” Frank hesitates. “But he and I aren’t really speaking right now so—”
“You’re fighting? Why?” I ask, although I’m pretty sure of the answer.
“Ryan dropped out of school. Did he tell you that?”
“Yeah, but it’s just for a semester.”
“He made it sound like he’s taking the whole year off. He’s ruining his future. I tried to tell him that, but he won’t listen. He’s stubborn, like me. I was thinking maybe you could talk some sense into him.”
“I already tried to talk him out of it. He wouldn’t listen to me. I’m sure he’ll go back in the spring.”
“So classes start tomorrow?” Frank’s tone brightens.
“Yeah, I have orientation this morning. I was gonna grab some brea
kfast quick. The dining halls are finally open.”
“Ryan mentioned they’ve been closed. He said some boy has been taking you out a lot.”
“Just a few times.”
“Be careful, Jade. I want you to have fun, but just be careful, okay?”
“Yes, Frank. I’ll be careful.” For crying out loud, the way Frank and Ryan lecture me you’d think I was going to college with a bunch of criminals. They act like every guy I’ll ever meet will try to harm me in some way. And that I’m some helpless female who can’t defend myself. It’s really getting annoying.
“Well, it sounds like you’ve got a busy morning, so I’ll let you go. We’ll call you later in the week to see how classes are going.”
We hang up and I hurry over to the dining hall. I was expecting a crowd, but the place is almost empty. Apparently I’m the only one who’s excited about the arrival of on-campus dining. I grab a tray and get a couple donuts along with a hard boiled egg for some actual nutrients. Then I fill a glass with soda and sit down at a table by myself.
“Jade.” Harper appears, looking much better than the night before. “Can I join you?”
“Of course. How are you feeling?”
“My stomach’s still a little queasy, but I thought I should try to eat something.”
“I’m sorry about the taco—I mean I’m sorry about making you go to that restaurant.”
She laughs. “It’s okay. You can say the T word now that I’m feeling better. And it wasn’t your fault. I’m gonna get some food. I’ll be right back.”
Moments later she returns with a plate full of fruit and some dry toast. “So who was the hot guy I saw you with last night?”
“That was Garret. I told you about him.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t say he looked like that.” She takes a bite of her toast. “He’s freaking hot, Jade. And he’s on the swim team, right? I only got a quick look at him but it seemed like he has a good body.”
I peel my hard boiled egg. “He definitely has a good body.”
She reaches over the table, stopping my peeling. “Wait. Are you saying you’ve seen him naked? Already? You just met him. I didn’t even know you two were dating.”
Choosing You Page 8
