“Yes.”
“And he knows for sure that you’re pregnant?” he asks.
“I don’t know, Alexander,” I say with exasperation, “I assume so since I’m starting to look like I’m hiding a soccer ball under my shirt and he asked me how many months I am.”
He takes my hands and meets my eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got this. I have a plan.”
I stare back at him with anxious worry weighing heavily on my shoulders, but all the worry in the world can’t hold back the trace of a smile that appears at the corners of my mouth. “You always have a plan.”
“Yes,” he says, returning my smirk. “I do. For a reason. I knew something like this was only a matter of time.”
I swallow. “What are you going to do?”
“Keep you safe. Whatever it takes.”
“That’s a pretty vague answer,” I say. “But maybe it’s because it involves more secrets that you conveniently won’t tell me.” My voice is laced with heavy sarcasm.
“No,” he says quietly, looking wounded. “Never again.”
Immediately I feel a stab of pain in my heart at the look on his face and I remember what my mom said about arguing respectfully and assuming good intentions on the other person’s part. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, I deserved it,” he says. “Declan, I’m sorry for not telling you about your father right away. I know I’ve been telling you for weeks now how sorry I am but I want you to understand that I realize I made the wrong decision. And I’ll never make a mistake like that again.”
I meet his eyes. “I’m trying to understand,” I say, “but I’m having a hard time with the trust part. When I think back to the times we had together over the month that you knew and you didn’t say anything … I mean, we had some pretty intimate conversations and you never said a word.”
I can see the pain in his eyes when he answers. “You’re right.”
When he doesn’t say any more, my heart softens. In our previous conversations he always added why he did what he did—that he made the choice because he felt it was the right one at the time, even though it tore him up inside. His many explanations helped me understand where he was coming from, but they also left me feeling like he was defending himself and not really understanding how betrayed I feel. Now, his simple admission: “You’re right,” is finally left to stand alone, surrounded by silence, and my heart takes one step closer to his.
“So what are you going to do?” I ask. “About Malentus.”
“First priority is keeping you and the baby safe,” he says. “If Malentus is here, Avestan and Alenna may be as well. We’ll send out the word to everyone to stay on alert. If I could, I’d take you away from here until the baby is born.”
“I can’t do that,” I say, shaking my head firmly. “I have to finish school. And I won’t leave my mom … and Liz and Finn.”
“I know,” he says, taking my hands, “that’s why I said if I could. I knew you wouldn’t go for that option. And that’s why it’s not a part of my plan. I would never take you away from all the people you love.”
I stare into his soulful green eyes and feel that deep connection between us, stirring. “You’re one of the people I love, too, you know,” I say softly.
Surprise flickers over his face and it makes my heart hurt again as I realize that he must have questioned if I still love him. “I’m glad to hear you say that,” he says, his voice gruff and restrained.
“But I’m not ready to say we’re back together. I’m sorry.”
“I understand,” he says quietly and I can feel the pain in his heart because it’s in my heart, too, and I feel a tug on the string of light between us, connecting our hearts together.
“I’ll wait as long as it takes,” he says as he looks into my eyes. He holds my gaze, for an endless stretch, and I feel that spark that has always drawn us together. I feel our molecules, vibrating in harmony, and I want to touch him. I want him to hold me and kiss me and tell me everything’s going to be okay. I want to wrap myself in the safety of his arms and never let go. And I want to use whatever power I have to protect him, too. But something inside me isn’t ready to forgive—not yet—so I don’t. And I fear I’m worse off because of it, with more permanent scar tissue on my heart.
Instead, I keep my heart cordoned off a little, and I make plans to meet with Alexander and Edwin tomorrow to discuss what they’re going to do. Maybe it’s because I’m not forgiving enough or wise enough to see the forest for the trees, or maybe I’m just not ready to talk, or to listen—to anything—including whatever the next plan is. But right now, all I can say is, I feel like I’m in survival mode. I have to go to class and then I have to go to work and then I have to do homework, go to bed, and wake up tomorrow and do virtually the same thing all over again. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I don’t have time to stop and indulge my worries about dark guardians and even-more-evil dark guardians who stalk and threaten me at school. Because it’s not just me inhabiting this body anymore, it’s my baby, too, and I can’t give in. I can’t devolve into a quivering, anxious mess.
I find the light in my core and take a deep breath. I have to trust that I can protect myself and that Alexander will also protect me, fiercely, as he always has. And I do—I trust Alexander with my safety and that of my loved ones more than anyone else in the world.
And that’s when I realize I haven’t really lost my trust in Alexander. It’s still there, as strong as ever.
It’s just temporarily buried—under anger and disappointment, but mostly sadness.
Chapter Seventeen
“How are you doing?” Justin asks as we sit at Campus Coffee chatting. I’m pulling apart a blueberry muffin and drinking hot herbal tea and he has a cappuccino in front of him. It’s been cold, rainy, and overcast all day today so we’re sitting inside.
“Okay,” I say, “a little tired.”
“Yeah, that’s common in the third trimester.”
I look at him, amused. “And you know this because …?”
“My stepmom. When she had my little brother.”
“That’s right, I forgot you’ve been through all this before.”
“Yeah, my little brother’s a pain in the ass. But he’s kinda cool, too,” he says with a smile of genuine affection. “How’s the wedding planning coming along?”
“Well, considering there almost wasn’t going to be a wedding, I guess it’s coming along fine now. Still on track.”
“Wait … what? What happened?”
“Nothing,” I say, “there was a problem but I think it’s resolved now.” I realize as I say the words that I’m starting to sound like Finn with his ‘resolved versus unresolved/pending’ ledger he keeps in his head.
“Did Alexander back out?” His words are delivered with a fierceness that touches my heart.
“No, nothing like that.”
“Then what was it?”
“It was me. I was having a hard time dealing with some … obstacles.”
He meets my eyes. “Obstacles big enough to call it off?” he asks.
“I wasn’t sure.”
Justin sets down his drink and stares at me for a long time. His eyes are expressive, changing from uncertain to determined and back again, many times. “Declan,” he says finally, “I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” The anxiety in his expression has me worried.
He hesitates before answering and then he takes a deep breath in and begins to speak. “I’m sure it’s no secret how I feel about you,” he says, meeting my eyes. “Or maybe you don’t realize it, maybe it is a secret—”
“Justin, I—”
“Please just let me say this. I need you to know something,” he says, his eyes pleading and earnest. “When I first saw you, I thought you were cute. More than cute—I’m not gonna lie. That’s why I tried to get us assigned together, at first. Then we became friends and I liked you even more. Knowing I would see you is
probably the only thing that kept me at that brainless job at Fields and Morris, scanning like a drone. Well … that and the fact that I pay my own tuition and really had no choice.”
I smile and he grins back, his smile reaching his deep blue eyes.
“But I knew you had a boyfriend,” he continues. “And then when you broke up with him and I kissed you I thought I had a chance.”
He looks down for a moment and then back up, meeting my eyes. “You set me straight, unfortunately. But you said you wanted to remain friends, which surprised me. And you meant it, which surprised me even more … because that meant you enjoyed our friendship, maybe as much as I do … because I really do, and the way I feel, I don’t know … I just think about you ... all the time …. Shit, I’m rambling now, aren’t I?”
I can’t help but smile. “Justin, I—”
“Please, I’ve gone this far and I need to finish.” He looks up into my eyes. “Please. I want to say this.”
I remain quiet and he takes a deep breath and continues. “I accepted that you were with Alexander, and I accepted that all you and I will ever be is friends. I accepted it and I can live with it. But if there’s any chance …” He looks up and meets my eyes. “What I need you to know is this: Declan, if those obstacles you mentioned, whatever they are, become too great and you don’t go through with the wedding, I want you to know that you don’t have to feel like you’re all alone.” He swallows. “Because I’ve been in love with you for a while now, and I would be there for you … and we could raise the baby together … if you wanted.”
My eyes well up and threaten to spill over because I’m so touched by Justin’s sincerity. I can see it in his eyes and I can literally feel it between us, in his heart. And I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that, if it wasn’t for Alexander, I’d be hard pressed not to see Justin as more than a friend. He’s smart, and cute, and funny, and kind … and a part of me craves the simplicity of his proposal. If I wasn’t with Alexander perhaps the dark guardians would leave me alone? I know it’s unrealistic but I indulge myself with the fantasy of Malentus and Avestan assuming the baby is Justin’s. Just a normal baby that they won’t take notice of or try to harm. I allow myself to imagine a normal life, with a mortal. Someone I could talk about with my friends and my mom, with no secrets to hide. Someone who will grow old with me, and who my baby could watch grow older, too, and come to know as a father figure over time. With Alexander will there always be danger? I know for certain that he brings complications and things to work around. How will I explain to my mother, or to our child, that he never ages? Not to mention our friends. A normal life, for a split second, is seductively refreshing and attractive in its mundane simplicity.
But only for a second.
Because the idea of a life without Alexander is unimaginable. The way he makes me feel when we’re together, and his honesty and kindness, are all things I could never turn away from. Sitting here now, hearing Justin profess his love to me has paradoxically only solidified my love for Alexander. I feel my heart swelling within my chest at the clarity of this realization. I can’t wait to find Alexander, to tell him I forgive him, and to “move on to the business of living the rest of our lives together, happily,” as my mom said. That’s been my objective all along—I was just distracted by all the other emotions swirling inside me and I lost track and forgot for a time.
All these thoughts race through my mind in mere seconds, but I realize Justin is still sitting before me, searching my eyes and waiting for an answer.
I reach out to touch his hand across the table. “Justin, you have no idea how much it means to me that you would say that. And offer that. And trust me enough to lay your heart and your cards on the table in that way.”
“But …” he says, sensing my answer.
“You’re right, there is a ‘but.’ I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m in love with Alexander,” I say. “We have some obstacles but we’ll get through them, and I’m going to marry him. I’m having his baby.”
He nods with acceptance and a tinge of sadness in his eyes. “That’s what I thought, but I knew I’d regret it forever if I didn’t let you know how I feel.”
I smile softly, my eyes threatening to overflow again. “I’m glad you did. I appreciate that you did. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or what, but I feel an appreciation for the people I care about and who care about me on a whole other level lately. It’s like deep,” I say with a laugh as I wipe away an errant tear that manages to escape.
He smiles.
“And what you said truly touched my heart,” I add.
I can feel him searching my eyes when he replies. “If I ask you a question will give you me an honest answer?”
“Of course.”
“If Alexander wasn’t in the picture, would you have accepted my proposal?”
“If Alexander wasn’t in the picture there wouldn’t have been a proposal because I wouldn’t be pregnant, and I wouldn’t be getting married.”
“You know what I mean,” he says. “If Alexander didn’t exist, would you have gone out with me? As a boyfriend? Are you attracted to me in that way?”
I consider how to answer. I don’t want to give him false hope but I promised to be honest. “Yes,” I say, meeting his eyes.
“That’s not a pity answer?” he asks.
“Do you honestly think I would give you a pity answer?”
He smiles. “No. What was it you said about how I tried to kiss you? I ‘came at you like a thief in the night?’ No one mean enough to say that would be nice enough to give me a pity answer.”
I laugh. “I don’t know if I should take that as an insult or a compliment.”
“Definitely an insult. I figure if I insult you now we can go back to being friends again.”
“Well you miscalculated wildly on that one.”
He laughs. “Can I ask you another question?”
“Yes.”
“Does Alexander have any flaws?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just that he’s a really nice guy and he seems so perfect. Please tell me there’s something wrong with him. Like he’s a terrible dancer … or he has raging gingivitis.”
“Everyone has flaws,” I laugh, “but no, no gingivitis and I’m the one who’s the terrible dancer.”
He smiles. “Figures.”
What I don’t say, what I can’t say is that yes, Alexander does have a flaw, a big one, if you can call it that.
He’s a guardian: an amazing, wondrous thing that also brings unrelenting danger in the form of Avestan and Malentus. The “flaw” is that dark guardians are chasing after him, and chasing after me, and after our baby, and they’re never, ever going to stop. Not until they destroy us all.
Unless Alexander can somehow make them stop ….
But he already bears the scars of his previous tries.
Chapter Eighteen
“You were right,” Edwin says gravely as Alexander and I sit with him at their kitchen table, once again, to discuss guardian business. “Malentus is here.”
I nod. “When I saw his eyes, I knew. Avestan’s eyes are black and cold but nothing like the way I felt when I looked into Malentus’s eyes.”
“He wasn’t trying to shield his energy,” Edwin says. “He wanted you to know who he was.”
“It felt like he was toying with me, like prey. The same way I always feel when Avestan shows up and scares me like that.”
Alexander nods. “They relish it. Feeling your fear and dread makes it more satisfying to them.”
“Please tell me your plan isn’t to go after Malentus again,” I say.
“It isn’t,” Alexander says, “for now.”
“We can’t risk engaging with them before the baby is born,” says Edwin. “Until then we’ve called in reinforcements for protection. It will be every guardian’s duty to ensure your baby is born safe and healthy. They know what the stakes are.”
“Do you r
eally think this baby is going to change the world?” I ask, placing my palm over my stomach protectively.
“I dismissed stories before,” Edwin says. “And any scientist will tell you there’s no harm in planning for a feasible, potential cataclysm, but the opposite can’t be said. We have to assume this could bring on the final battle between dark and light, and possibly tip the scales in our favor—for eternity. We have to be ready.”
I swallow and glance over at Alexander. “What will you do after the baby is born, then?”
“We’ll end this once and for all,” Alexander answers. “I know Malentus’s weakness now and I’ve always known Avestan’s. But first things first. We can’t be distracted from anything other than protecting you now.”
“But won’t our baby still be in danger, even after it’s born?”
“Your child will always be protected,” Edwin says, “but if the prophecy is true, once he or she is born, the stage is set and the energy unleashed will be unstoppable.”
“All because of our baby?” I ask, instinctively touching my stomach again.
Alexander nods. “Did you expect anything less than the most powerful baby in the universe from the two of us?” He smiles and it’s the first joke he’s made in weeks, and I can feel the hesitancy behind it, as if he’s unsure if we’re back on joking terms yet. It makes my heart hurt a little to sense him testing the waters.
Edwin stands up. “I have a meeting with some other guardians so I’ll leave you two. Any more questions for me before I go?” he asks.
“Not for now,” I say, looking up at him. “Thanks, Edwin. I appreciate you always looking out for me.”
He smiles. “That’s what we do.”
After Edwin leaves I turn to Alexander. “Can we talk?” I ask.
“Of course,” he says, looking surprised. Up until now I’ve been avoiding him for the most part, other than to call him about Malentus yesterday when I was so frightened.
“Can we go in your room?” I ask.
Instead of answering he stands up and holds out his hand for me. I take it and we walk hand-in-hand to his bedroom. When we get there he pauses in the doorway and I can tell he’s waiting to see where I sit. When I choose the bed, he follows and sits next to me. I turn to face him and he does the same.
Revelation (The Guardian Series Book 3) Page 9
