He ran his hands all along the sides of her body. His touch was intoxicating her, almost drugging her. She wanted him to kiss her, she wanted to pull his clothes off, but she wanted to stay right here in this moment forever.
He took her face in his hands. He looked at her and she looked back, right into his eyes. She was glad there was enough light in the room for her to see the expression on his face. It made her shiver.
Then he kissed her. His lips were firm and tender, but demanding. She gave him everything he wanted, and she wanted it, too, all of it. She pulled his tie off and dropped it to the floor, and reached for the buttons on his shirt. This time he let her. As they kissed, she slipped each button open slowly and carefully. She pushed his shirt off of his body and reached for his belt. Soon his pants dropped to the floor.
He stepped out of his clothes, took her hand, and led her to the bed.
As soon as they lay down, his hands and lips and tongue were all over her. Touching, probing, licking, sucking, like he couldn’t get enough of her. Or maybe that was just how she felt, like his touch and his body on hers made her crave more and more.
She pulled him up so she could kiss him, and this time she traveled down his body, this time she made him shudder and sigh and whisper her name. Just as she put her lips around his cock, he stopped her.
“No, please. I want you. I need you.” He leaned over and pulled on a condom while she lay back and watched him.
He knelt on top of her and slowly lowered himself inside her. She gasped as he entered her, at how good this felt, at how much she wanted him, at how right it felt to be there together with him. They knew each other so well by now, what they liked, how they liked to be touched, all those secret places and slight movements that made the other cry out. But it still felt different every time, it still felt new and exciting, it still felt like there was so much more to explore and discover.
He started moving faster, and she was close, so close, and she rose up to meet him. He reached down and touched her, just where she needed it, and she cried out, but she kept moving with him until she heard him gasp and moan, and they collapsed together.
When their breathing slowed, he turned to her, that grin of his back on his face.
“Okay. Now we can have pizza.”
She laughed and started to get up, but he stopped her.
“No. I’ll get it.”
He came back upstairs a few minutes later carrying the pizza box, a big bottle of sparkling water, and a stack of napkins.
“I know, you’re classy, I should have brought plates, but there’s only so much a man can carry.”
She just laughed and took the pizza from him. They sat in the middle of her bed and had a picnic.
“Day-old lukewarm pizza has never tasted so good,” she said as she reached for a second slice.
Ben smiled at her. Then he froze. And slowly lowered his own half-eaten second slice to his side of the pizza box.
“Um. Anna.”
She looked up from her pizza to him.
“Yeah?”
He swallowed.
“A few weeks ago.” He stopped, and started again. “A few weeks ago you said there’s a thing that I do, that when I’m upset or I don’t want to deal with something, I turn to sex. And I told you I wouldn’t . . . I wouldn’t do that with you anymore.”
She lowered her pizza to the box.
“Yeah?” Something must have happened tonight to upset him. Had she said something? She had to wait for him to tell her.
“The thing is, I realized tonight. I’m in love with you.”
Twenty
Anna just stared at him.
“What?”
“I love you. I’ve fallen in love with you.” Now that he’d said it, he couldn’t stop. “I realized it tonight. During the movie. And I wasn’t going to . . . I didn’t know how to deal with that. You were right, I do use sex as a distraction—to distract myself as much as other people. But I couldn’t leave tomorrow without telling you.”
She kept staring at him.
He hadn’t known what he’d expected to happen when he said all of this to her. He hadn’t really expected anything. He hadn’t really planned to do this at all.
But he wished she would say something.
“Ben. I . . .” She stopped.
Okay, well. That’s not what he wished she would say. Not “Ben” in that condescending, gentle way.
He picked up his pizza. There was nothing he wanted less than to eat it now.
“Never mind. I get it. It’s okay.”
She put her hand on his arm. He shook it off.
“Don’t,” he said. “Please.”
She didn’t say anything else.
Eventually, she got up and took the rest of the pizza down to the kitchen. He went to the bathroom, cursed at himself in the mirror, and was in bed by the time she came back into the room.
She turned off the light without saying anything and got in her side of the bed. Her bed was so big that they each had plenty of room. He’d never realized that before, since they’d always slept together in the middle. But now she was on her side, and he was on the other side, and no one reached across the center.
When he woke up the next morning, she was still asleep. He found his phone and turned off the alarm that was set to go off thirty minutes later, and got in the shower. If he was quiet enough, maybe he could shower and get dressed and leave before she even woke up. He felt like a coward even thinking that, but he just couldn’t face the pity that he knew would be in her eyes today.
But his luck had abandoned him. When he came out of the bathroom, her bed was empty, and he heard the unmistakable signs of coffee making from the kitchen. Okay. He could do this. He’d faced worse. He pulled his clothes on, threw all of his stuff into his overnight bag, and walked into the kitchen.
“Hey,” she said in a cheerful voice. “Florence got us pastries for this morning. I just heated them up in the toaster oven.”
She was going to pretend last night away. Thank God. The last thing he wanted was to have some sort of heartfelt “You’re really great, but” “I’m just not in a place for” “Don’t worry about me” kind of conversation with her. He’d had those before, lots of them. But he’d always been on the other side. He’d thought his side sucked. He’d had no idea.
“Oh, awesome, I’m starving,” he said. His voice even sounded normal to him. His car to the airport would be here in an hour; he could handle being like this for an hour. Once he left here, he was headed straight from the plane to his office, where he had so much work he had to do he wouldn’t have to think about this.
He picked up his mug and added the sugar she’d taken out of the cabinet for him. The coffee was strong, like her coffee always was, and today he needed that. He had to talk, to fill the silence for the next hour.
“Any more word from Simon since last night?” he asked.
Her face lit up.
“He’s sent me a ton of fantastic reviews of the movie, and specifically of me in the movie. And everyone loved my dress! Thank God, because I loved it, too, and I would have been insulted if anyone called it fugly this time.”
The toaster oven timer went off, and he took the pastries out of it. He needed something to do, so he wouldn’t think about that dress and her in it. And when he’d taken her out of it.
“Oh, that’s great,” he said. “I hope that means more good news is coming for you.” He inspected the plate of pastries. “Florence is an angel—ham and cheese croissant, cinnamon roll, and a raspberry Danish? Bless her.”
He picked up the raspberry Danish. He wanted the croissant, but he knew Anna would want that one.
They passed the next hour with conversation about the movie, that one actor who had gotten incredibly drunk the night before, and the ad campaign for sneakers he’d been working on. T
he pitch was coming up, and he was excited about it. Had been, anyway. He managed to act upbeat and relaxed the whole time—he was great at that.
Finally, there was a ring at the gate that meant Ben’s ride to the airport was there. Anna buzzed the driver through, and Ben picked up his bag.
“Thanks so much, Ben. For everything,” Anna said. “I couldn’t have made it through these past few weeks without you—I appreciate everything you did for me so much. I have no idea how I’ll ever be able to repay you.”
He grinned at her and shrugged.
“No repayment necessary. I had a blast. Do you have any idea how much my friends are freaking out about all of this? I’ll be able to start stories with “While I was dating Anna Gardiner . . .” for years to come. And my family is losing their shit. I had a great time. Good luck with the Varon film and everything else.”
She grinned back at him.
“Thanks, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. And, you know, I’m up in the Bay Area at least a few times a year to see my family; maybe sometime when I’m around, we could get together again, catch up.”
He started to say sure, that would be great, she should text him. But he couldn’t do it. He shook his head.
“I don’t think so, Anna. Take care of yourself.”
He turned and went out the door.
* * *
—
Anna stood, motionless, in her kitchen after the front door closed softly behind Ben.
What had just happened? Had Ben really said that last night? And then said what he’d said, just now?
Her heart was beating fast. She didn’t know how to react, how to think. She hadn’t expected that. She hadn’t expected anything like that.
No. She couldn’t think about this. This was too much.
She had enough to deal with right now, from putting her world back together and taking care of her mental health to fighting tooth and nail for her career to trying to take care of her parents from afar. She didn’t have space in her life or in her heart for one more thing. Ben knew that.
He hadn’t meant it. He couldn’t have. Ben wasn’t the type to fall in love—she knew that, they were very similar in that way. That was part of the reason she’d trusted him to do all of this in the first place; she knew he wouldn’t care when it was over!
She thought of that crushed, broken look on his face, right before he walked out the door.
No. No, she couldn’t deal with this.
She pulled off her pajamas, put on a swimming suit, and got in her pool. She tried not to think about Ben’s eyes when he’d seen her get out of the pool topless the day before.
She swam laps, back and forth and back and forth, to try to feel better, to forget what Ben had said, to get back into herself.
Her phone rang just as she finished getting dressed. At first, she ignored it. If it was Ben, she didn’t want to deal with it; if it was Simon, she could call him back.
She looked at the screen just in case. Penny. Okay, fine.
“Hey,” she said as she picked up the phone.
“You looked incredible last night!” Penny said. “That dress was different from what you usually wear, and I loved it. Not that I don’t usually like your dresses, well, except for that time at the Golden Globes.”
Everyone brought up that fucking dress she’d worn to the Golden Globes.
“Look, that one was an experiment, okay? It didn’t go well, we don’t need to ever speak of it again.”
“I know, I know,” Penny said. “I’m just mentioning it in the context of how last time you experimented was bad but this time was great.”
Anna dropped down on the bed.
“This one was great, wasn’t it? I loved it. Ben helped me pick it out.” And then she burst into tears.
“What did he do? Anna, do you need me to come there? Do you need me to destroy him? What do you need?”
She wiped her face with her pillowcase.
“He told me he loved me.”
Penny was silent for a few seconds.
“And what did you say?”
Anna knew she was going to ask that.
“Nothing! He caught me so off guard, Penny! I had no idea what to say. He just sprang this on me last night—I didn’t expect it at all. I have so much going on right now, nothing like this occurred to me. I tried to say something, but it wasn’t going to be . . . and I’m sure he could tell that because he stopped me. Anyway, this morning, things were weird, and now he’s gone and I feel like the world’s biggest asshole.”
See, this was why she only ever got involved with other actors—there were no surprises with them.!
“You aren’t the world’s biggest asshole,” Penny said. “There are many people vying for that title, and you’re nowhere near them. What do you mean, things were weird this morning?”
Talking to Penny always made her feel better.
“I don’t know, we talked and drank coffee and stuff while we waited for his car to come, but . . . it was . . . off. But he didn’t say it again, and he didn’t seem like he was, I don’t know, thinking it. Maybe he didn’t mean it?” Anna pictured Ben’s face, right before he’d turned and left her house. She must have just imagined that look on his face. “He probably didn’t mean it.”
“Do you think he meant it?” Penny asked.
“He couldn’t have. At first I thought he meant it. Last night, I mean. It just came out of nowhere; I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to think, or how to react. But now I think he must have been just caught up in all the glamour of the premiere and the Hollywood thing and seeing me on-screen and being with me at the party and all of that. Or maybe this is all because of last week: he thinks I’m weak and fragile, he just wants to take care of me. I never should have told him about last year in the first place—men always like that kind of thing; it makes them feel strong.”
Yes, that made more sense. He couldn’t have meant it. She got up to go get some water.
“Okay, but are you sure he’s like that? He didn’t seem that type,” Penny said. “You guys seemed to really get along well. Are you sure that you don’t think you—”
“Penny, Ben’s great, I liked him a lot, and yes, we got along great! He’s the first guy I slept with in over a year, of course I feel happy, warm feelings for him, especially since he was so kind, so fun, so . . .” She stopped, and shook her head. “Also, the sex was fantastic! But that was just sex! This thing with Ben was just an interlude, a way to get me from point A to B, A being Anxious Anna still recovering from everything, who hadn’t let a man see her naked in over a year, B being a Bad Bitch who stars in box office hits and gets magazine covers and beckons at whatever man she wants and he comes running, throwing his clothes off in the process.”
By this time they were both laughing.
“A Bad Bitch?” Penny said.
“Look, it was alliterative, okay? You know what I mean! Him falling in love with me was not in the plan! We both knew what this was when we went into it! And yes, sure, Ben makes—made—me feel incredible! But those weren’t real feelings, that was just good sex emotion! I trusted him to know the difference!”
Penny was still giggling.
“Okay,” she said when she recovered. “You know, look. You are Anna Gardiner, international movie star, after all. Maybe the good sex emotion you give out is just that much more convincing than other people. Ben probably does know the difference for normal women, but for you, he was just so overcome in the moment. Maybe he didn’t actually mean it; he just thought he did. But he’ll get over it fast.”
Yes! See? This made sense!
“Penelope Malone, you’re a genius. Of course that’s it. See, I should have called you right away.”
Oh no, she shouldn’t have said that. Now Penny would gloat . . .
“I am a genius, as a matter of fact, and y
ou should have called me right away. Anything else you need me to solve for you?”
Anna just laughed.
Penny’s voice softened.
“No, really, I mean it. Are you okay? You know I’m here for you, no matter what, right?”
She did know that.
“Yeah. I’m okay. But, I’ve been thinking about . . .” She shook her head. “No, it’s nothing. Never mind, forget I said anything.”
“Anna.”
“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you, but I’m not going to do this. It’s just that I keep thinking about something Ben said a few weeks ago—not about all of this. But I was saying something about all of the charities who ask me for money, and he said maybe I should do more, instead of just sending a check. Like my dad has been wanting me to do for forever. And Ben suggested a mental health charity, help them raise money and reach out to people, raise awareness, that kind of thing. But. That seems . . .”
“Hard?” Penny finished for her. “And that you might have to talk about things you don’t want to talk about? Yeah, probably. But if you keep thinking about it, maybe there’s a reason?”
Anna closed her eyes.
“Maybe. But I’m still not going to do it.”
Penny’s voice sounded tentative.
“Will you be mad if I say I really liked Ben?”
Anna sighed.
“No. I really liked Ben, too.”
Twenty -One
Ben walked into Dr. Lindsey’s office the following Wednesday. Since he’d last seen Anna, he’d worked multiple twelve-hour days—including one on that Thursday when he’d gone straight to the office from the airport, and one on Saturday, prepping for the sneaker pitch. Sunday he’d only worked five hours, and with the rest of his time that day he’d cleaned his apartment from top to bottom. He’d planned to reinstall all of his dating apps, to go out on a bunch of dates, to sleep with someone else, to get Anna out of his mind and soul. But he hadn’t done it.
While We Were Dating Page 28
