by Loretta Lost
The girl moans a little and lifts her hips against me. I’m not afraid to be a little rough with her. She’s not as fragile as Scarlett, although they share the same body.
“You can take it out on me,” she says softly, tilting her chin up to bite my bottom lip. “Give me all your anger and rage. Take all your hate and hurt, and use it to fuck the shit out of me. Then you can give her your love.”
I thrust and jerk my hips roughly against her, causing her to cry out. “Like this?”
“Yes,” she says, closing her eyes.
I continue to drive myself into her, until I’m getting close. Then, as I see the ecstasy on her face, and her lips slightly parted, I slide a finger into her mouth, feeling the vibrations of her moan.
I can see that she’s close, and it nearly sends me over the edge. But suddenly, I stop. A realization occurs to me, and it’s terrifying.
“Wait,” I say quietly. “Wait.”
“What?” she gasps in annoyance. “Don’t you dare stop, Cole Hunter. It’s been years.”
“Exactly. It’s been years since I slept with you, not her. You’re the one who got her pregnant.”
She looks up at me, blinking in confusion. “What the hell? I’m not a hermaphrodite.”
With an inhuman amount of resolve, I pull out and roll myself off her. I lay there on the small bed, panting. She whimpers beside me, grabbing my arm.
“Cole…”
I try to catch my breath and explain. “That’s why she said there was always alcohol involved when we had sex. Because it was mostly you, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. She shuts off sometimes, during sex. She doesn’t want to remember it. That’s partly why I exist—to protect her from that.”
“I need to discuss it with her. I need her to be there when we’re having sex, so she can make decisions. I don’t want her to run away again.”
“Cole, I don’t think she can be there. She’s not capable.”
“Was she there with Zachary?” I ask angrily.
“No,” she says softly. “Zack lost a leg, and he was kind of embarrassed about his body, so he didn’t usually want to have sex at all.”
“I see. Look, I just don’t want a repeat of the way things were. Is there any way we can fix this? Can we heal her? I did mention this situation to Anna a couple times, and she talked about ‘integration.’ Maybe you and Scarlett could merge and somehow…”
She sits up and moves away, with hurt on her face. “You want me to go away?”
“No, no, no.”
“We’re having sex and you just stop and tell me I need to be someone else? You talked to your shrink girlfriend about how to fix me?”
“Honey, you are someone else, most of the time. Can’t you see how I feel? It’s like I’m cheating on her with you. I feel like… this isn’t what she wants. I don’t have any condoms here, either. I don’t know what the hell to do, but I sure as hell can’t get her pregnant again without making sure I’m discussing it with the actual person who’s going to have to sustain that pregnancy.”
She puts her face in her hands. “Cole, please don’t do this to me. I love you, and I’m happy. I’m happy just being near you. We’re communicating, and fixing our issues. She just confessed a whole lot of shit to you. Don’t demand that I change and be someone else before you can be with me. It might never happen. I might never change, and never be integrated or merged or whatever the fuck all that psychobabble says.”
“I want us to be together,” I tell her, moving to her side and hugging her close. “I’m not going back on that. I’m not letting you go again. You’re mine, and I need you beside me, always. I need you in my bed, every night, for the rest of my life. Okay?”
“No,” she says, shaking her head slowly. “We’re a package deal. You heard her—she was upset at the whole brother-friend bullshit. You slept in the same bed with her for thousands of nights without touching her. She wanted more from you. And maybe sometimes, if you touch her, she gets scared and I come out, and then you’re touching me. That’s just how I am, Cole. That’s who I am. I’m sorry if it’s complicated. I can’t control it. This is just how I survived, and this is how I keep surviving. There are still some days—like the last few days—when she wouldn’t have survived without me.”
“I know,” I tell her.
“You don’t know anything,” she says, pushing me away and standing up. “There is nothing to fear. Every single person in this body loves you. Totally and completely. And if you start holding back on us again, like we’re still in high school…” She smiles at me, a sadistic little smile that gives me a cold shiver of panic. “Maybe you don’t deserve her, Cole. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought her all the way out here. What do you think we are? Your little harem of sister wives, and you need to get permission from your first wife to be with me? You need to discuss it with her? She just said that she left because she wasn’t sure you wanted to be her man. Maybe I’m not too sure you want to be my man.”
“Calm down,” I tell her, standing up and touching her arms. “Please…”
“Maybe I should poison her against you,” she says with a growing smile. “Maybe I should take her back to Zack right now, and accept his marriage proposal just to spite you. Maybe I should let her see you for who you are, a fucking pussy who’s scared to touch her!”
Grabbing her shoulders, I slam her body against the wall of my NovaTank, breathing heavily. “Stop!” I shout in her face. “Just stop. I love you, too. Every part of you. I named my company after you, not her. You’re so strong, and resilient. You inspire me to be a better man. But she is delicate, and I’m just trying to do the right thing, so she doesn’t get hurt. I’m protecting her, just like you. Please try to understand that.”
I pause, reaching out to embrace her, and pressing a kiss against her eyebrow. “Please, don’t make me an enemy. We’ve always been allies, and we always will be. I don’t care if everyone else on earth is against us—I need you on my team. Okay?”
She remains frozen for a moment, but then she nods slowly.
“Help me, Snow. Help me,” I say quietly. “Tell me how I can help her heal, so that if she gets pregnant again, it doesn’t make her lose her mind. I don’t think I can even discuss it with her openly—she always shuts down.”
The girl nods in my arms, and takes my hand, leading me back over to the bed, to sit. Maybe it’s because I used her name—something I rarely do—but she seems calmer. I feel like I’ve successfully diffused a bomb. It took me years to even figure out her name, because she considered it a great secret, a source of strength she didn’t want to give away.
She breathes in deeply and exhales. “I apologize for getting angry like that, Cole. I know you mean well. I hate to betray Serena like this, but I will help you, for the sake of her health. You might want to write this down. I am never going to say any of it again, and I know you like making lists.”
Chapter Eleven
Retrieving the bed sheet, Snow wraps it around herself like a toga and lifts the bottom to walk back and forth in the cabin. I hold my breath, enjoying the majesty of the way she moves. She has always reminded me of a goddess—although I could never quite put my finger on which one. Today, however, she is unquestionably Grecian. Every time I see her, she is slightly different. A destructive, screaming Kali, or a sensual, insatiable Aphrodite.
“I’ve considered this before,” she says, “but I didn’t think you would ever ask me. I didn’t think it would be possible to heal such deep-seated damage, but you are making me think it might be necessary. So, we need to try to make it possible.” She moves over to my desk in a flurry, grabbing a notebook and a pen and handing it to me.
“First of all,” she says, “if you use any of this information to hurt her, I will end you.” Her smile is dangerous. “But not before giving you as much pain as I possibly can.”
“Duly noted,” I say with a solemn nod. “You know I would never hurt her intentionally.”
She puts her f
ace very close to mine and that familiar fire is back in her eyes. “Cole, there are no loopholes. You can’t hurt her unintentionally, either,” she says with a hiss. “Second of all, these are only my recommendations of things that I think will help Serena, after years of carefully studying her. An ‘insider perspective’ if you may.” This makes her giggle slightly at her own cleverness. “But you should take this all with a grain of salt—or maybe follow my instructions religiously, I don’t care. You’ll probably need to develop your own strategies to help her. It won’t be easy. And it certainly doesn’t help that your favorite therapist is dead. I would suggest another therapist, but… I have a feeling that neither of us can stomach that.”
I shake my head to indicate the negative. “Not after Anna.”
“She isn’t a big fan of therapy, either. Me? I might eat a poor little shrink alive. If we’re going to do this, it won’t happen overnight,” she tells me. “It could take a long time for her to get better. It could take years. She might not even be capable of getting better.”
“I’m willing to try for as long as it takes,” I assure her.
“Me too,” she says. “We’ll have to work together to do this. You’ll need her cooperation, so you’ll want to discuss your bullet points with her.”
“Well, don’t keep me in suspense,” I tell her, with my pen poised to write in the notebook. “I need this information.”
“Fine. But one more thing, before I begin. I want to explain the reason I’m doing this.” She takes a deep breath, crossing her arms. “You were right. I did get her pregnant, even though you possess the penis. I let you do that to her—to me. I wanted a baby. I knew she desperately, desperately wants a baby, and so do you. I thought I was doing something good. By facilitating this. I thought she could deal with it. I didn’t know that she would crack like that, and I’d be unable to help her. I thought… we were older now. I could help her through anything, but she shut me out.” The girl hesitates. “Maybe that means I’m not as okay as I think I am. I always thought I was fearless, but maybe I do share some of her fears, in this respect.”
My forehead wrinkles. “That’s worrisome. If you’re afraid, then I should be petrified.”
“You probably should be. Parenthood is the most challenging job we could attempt, and there’s absolutely no room for failure. Or our kids will end up in the foster system, like we did.”
“Uh, no. Over my dead body.”
“Exactly.”
“So, what’s my mission?” I ask her, feeling like Odysseus receiving counsel. “What do you think is the most important thing I can do to help her heal?”
“You’ve already started trying,” she says kindly. Her head is cocked to the side slightly as she studies me. She is a benevolent goddess today. I am a fortunate warrior being visited by Athena before a battle, having her whisper secret strategies for victory in my ear, guiding me, preparing me for the wars ahead.
For the first time in a long while, I am aware that there will be wars ahead.
I thought those days were over for me when I left the city.
But Scarlett is bringing the fire back into my world.
“Most of her fears come from the very beginning, from the way she was abandoned. She doesn’t think she can ever be a good mother, considering that everything that she has ever known of mothers has been abysmal. I think you need to give Serena her family. Encourage her to meet this brother of hers—what’s his name? Larry? Linus? Whatever. And her parents. Go with her, if you can. She’s going to be a mess. But she needs to see where she comes from, and she needs answers about her past. She can never completely be at peace unless she understands what happened.”
I breathe slowly through my tender lungs. “We’re just lucky that there was finally a DNA match in the system, and we can contact her family at all. I only received that notification a few weeks ago—two or three weeks? I’m losing track of time. It was shortly before Zack called me. I was hoping I’d get to explore this with you, but then everything happened…”
“Write it down,” she insists. “You might need to show this to Scarlett and explain all this. Without your support, as her brother—the person who’s been her brother for half of her life—it could take her years to gather up the courage to meet these people. But maybe having some blood relatives will take some of the pressure off you, and our relationship can improve.”
“That makes sense,” I say. “But what if her family is horrible? What if they are just as bad as the Browns? There’s a good chance they could be terrible people, especially if they chucked a baby into a ditch and left it there to die.”
“Ouch,” she says softly, holding her chest like she’s been punched. “I think it will just make her appreciate you more, and be more determined to start our own family. She just needs to know where she comes from. She will always be incomplete without that knowledge.”
I dutifully write it in my notebook:
#1. Meet biological family.
“I just hope it doesn’t make her worse,” I say quietly.
“Can she get any worse?” the girl asks me opening her hands and gesturing to herself. “It’s like she’s not even here, in the room with us. She’s hiding so far, deep down, under thick, heavy layers of consciousness. I’m always there, just under the surface, beside her with everything she does. I’m ready to step in and be her champion, and beat the shit out of people for her if necessary. But she’s just gone right now.” There is a pause. “She might as well be dead.”
This concept gives me chills. I want to reach out and touch her to be comforting, but when she’s standing over me like this, her eyes flashing like sharpened daggers, I know it’s better to keep my hands to myself.
“What else can I do to help?” I ask softly.
She stares at me very hard, for what must be several minutes. I don’t count the seconds as they crawl by, but I can feel the weight of each one.
“I’m going to save the best for last,” she tells me. “It’s difficult to discuss, so let me get all the other smaller issues out of the way first. Serena needs to start hacking again. It makes her feel alive. It makes her happy. All these years she’s been starving herself from the two things she loves most in the world: technology and you—it’s been a recipe for death.”
“Okay,” I tell her. “That’s easy enough.”
“She also really wants to solve Annabelle’s murder, and find out who shot you.”
“What?” I object. “Absolutely not. That could put her in harm’s way.”
“Yes, but she is really upset about it. If Brittany killed Annabelle, she needs to be brought to justice. If it’s someone else, we need to know that they are punished, so they won’t try again.”
“There are others who can do that for us. We’re safe here,” I tell her. “I just want to forget the whole world exists outside of you and me. Why do we have to bother bringing justice to anyone? Haven’t we tried to do enough of that? I just want to fix our issues. I just want to stay here for a while.”
She frowns slightly. “You’re not yourself, Cole. You’ve just been through a traumatic experience, and you’re avoiding the location where it happened, and anything associated with that location. It’s not too different from my own coping mechanisms. You’re hiding in a different way.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Glaring at me, she steps forward. “Cole, I can only tell you what she needs. You can discuss it with her, or not. It’s up to you.”
“All right. I’m making notes. Give me more.”
“She needs a female friend. She needs to cultivate a relationship with another woman so she can discuss… I don’t know, woman things. She’s never really needed to discuss woman things, but if she has a baby, she might.”
“Like Miranda?”
“Maybe.”
“Okay, what else?”
“You need to touch her. You spent so many years not touching her that if you don’t try, she’s going to think that you just
want to be friends. You don’t even have to have sex, or risk getting her pregnant. Just—make it clear that you aren’t her brother. But if you do have sex with her, I’ll try to stay away. I’ll try my best not to take over completely so she doesn’t remember any of it. But it’s difficult,” she says softly, touching my arm. “I really like having sex with you.”
Grasping her hand, I turn my head to kiss her palm. “I would miss you if you weren’t there, at least a little. You’re very important to me, Snow.”
“Is there any way I could become the dominant personality?” she asks, sliding closer so that her breath caresses my face. “Could we somehow keep her buried deep down, the way she is now—tucked away, safe and sound? Did your Doctor Anna say anything about that?”
Reaching out to grasp her hips, I have to stop myself from pulling her against me. “She said you’re the classic violent one. The angry protector. You’re unpredictable and dangerous, and definitely not the one who should be in control, because it risks harming the host. The rational one should be in control.”
Her face displays hurt. “What the fuck? Aren’t I being rational right now!” she shouts at me. Then she seems to realize that her outburst is a prime example of her role as the violent one. “But I keep her safe,” she protests. “Even from herself. She’s not always rational. She’s so weak, so depressed, so pathetic. I’m better than her in every way!”
Staring at her, I try to think of how to respond. “You are like two sides of the same coin. Parts of a whole. It’s really complicated, and I don’t totally understand, even though I have done a lot of research. Every case is different. Ultimately, I think things could become way worse if you were in charge 24/7.”
She seems frustrated by this response, and she steps away. Lifting a finger, she turns and points it back at my chest. “If I do manage to stay, I’ll promise you one thing, Cole Hunter. If you are ever fucking me again and you decide to stop like that and leave me unsatisfied, it will be the last time you ever make love to me, or any woman. Because I will cut your fucking dick off.”
