by Shae Scott
“You’ve always been jaded,” I laughed.
“I guess. But back then I still had some kind of hope, even if I worked at hiding it. You make me hope.” His words made me sad. We were so different in this way.
“But you are still with her.” It wasn’t really a question. He’d told me as much before.
“Yes. But also no. We aren’t together together anymore.” He let the words hang between us so I could catch his meaning.
“You mean, you aren’t sleeping with her anymore?” I wanted the clarification.
“No. Not for awhile. But we still see each other to keep up appearances. We go to dinner and to functions around town. As far as anyone knows, we are a couple.” His voice was tight, bracing himself for my reaction. I took it all in, trying to process it.
“And you plan on continuing that relationship?”
He let out a deep breath. “Yes, for now. I know that’s a crap answer, but I have to be honest with you. You deserve honesty. I am so close to getting this promotion. I don’t want years of work to go to waste because this whole charade falls apart. I know you don’t understand that, you are too good and too real for any of this to make sense. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to lose you. I know it’s not fair of me to ask you to stay in my life. Especially with the way I’ve pushed this relationship under less-than-honest pretenses. But, I still want it. I want you around.”
“And what does that mean?” I asked.
“It means that you call the shots. This relationship is exactly what you say it is.” I could hear the hope in his voice. I felt it too, the hope that we could make this whole thing work even with our history and the current entanglements around our now.
“Friends?” I asked, trying out the word. Could I be friends with him? Knowing I really wanted more than that? I would always have that tug on my heart wanting more from him. I’d had a glimpse of what it would be like and knowing I couldn’t have it was going to be torture. Yet, I didn’t feel like I could walk away. He meant so much to me and at the end of the day, his friendship was what I missed the most.
“If that’s what you want. Of course. I don’t want to mess this up. Not again.”
I didn’t really have a choice. I had to do it. I had to take it on faith that we could do this. I had to at least try. I’d regret it if I didn’t. I just had to be careful and rein my feelings in. I could do that. I would do that. Besides, he was hours away. It wasn’t like I had to be in the same room. Distance was my friend. It would keep things as they belonged. No temptations, no awkward embraces to figure out.
“Okay. We’ll try friends. But, no more secrets; promise me that.”
“No more secrets. I promise.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Friends?” he asked.
“Friends,” I said, even though the word felt like a knife to my heart.
*****
Falling for the guy who is unavailable is never a good idea. Sometimes it doesn’t matter. You do it anyway. I was fighting hard against it. I fought everyday with logic. I tried to be rational. I tried to forget every wonderful moment that I had shared with Owen and see him as a buddy. A pen pal. A faceless string of words in an email. But that was never going to happen. You don’t forget a man like that and you can’t put him in a box and pretend that he is something less than what he is.
Each day he pulled me in a little more. It wasn’t intentional. It didn’t have to be. But honestly, when someone is taking such an interest in you, learning the details of you, you can’t help but connect. I felt it each day and the battle to stop it was exhausting. It went against my normal in every way.
Owen liked to tell me I was a dreamer. He always praised me on my ability to feel things and jump in without consequence. But in truth, I was logical. I was a planner. I wanted to be carefree and take things as they came. I did a good job of letting people think that I felt that way. I even convinced myself some days. But really, I was logical. I was cautious. Even when I jumped in, I had a safety net waiting for me. I always reserved the right to doubt. It was this constant hum of thoughts that had me feeling like a ball of chaos.
Cassie was the only one who was really getting a glimpse of my crazy. I had become multiple personality Barbie. Cool and collected friend by day, crazy girl crushing on her sexy-as-sin friend by night.
I found my way to Cassie’s office as the day was ending. She was on the phone, but I ventured in anyway and sunk down into the chair opposite her desk. She raised an eyebrow at me while continuing her conversation. I waited, peeling the clear polish off of my nails. It was a nervous habit.
Cassie ended her call and stared me down. “What happened?”
“Owen is coming to town.”
Her eyes went large in surprise. “Reeeally?” She drew the word out, interest piqued.
“He just told me. He wants to come to town for our high school reunion. It’s in two weeks. Who goes to their reunion anyway? I don’t think I’m ready for this.” My stomach was a ball of nerves.
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s fine. You should see him. It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” she scolded.
“I invited him to stay with me.” I closed my eyes as I replayed the conversation. Cassie started to laugh and I opened my eyes to glare at her.
“I’m sorry, but that’s awesome,” she laughed.
“No it’s not. Do you remember what happened the last time I was alone in a room with him? I practically begged him to take me to bed.” I cringed at the memory. Not that it was a bad one. It had been hot. But the idea of putting myself in that position now, with our firmly stamped label of friendship, sounded like torture.
“You could see what happens,” she suggested.
“You aren’t helping.” I rubbed my temples.
“Al, it’s going to be okay. Honestly, I think it will be good for you. You need to see him. He’s just clouding up your memory. You need a clear picture, see how it feels now that you know him better. This is a good thing.”
I wasn’t sure that I believed her. It didn’t feel like a good idea. I wasn’t sure what was a good idea these days. I was losing my ability to see any kind of reason. Either way it was too late to change it now. I had opened the door, I had no choice but to walk right through it and see what was on the other side.
Chapter Thirteen
If I said that I wasn’t nervous about the idea of Owen coming to town I would be lying. Even though we had made good progress in our friends-only relationship, seeing him face-to-face was going to be different. When he was tucked away safely in Chicago, I could easily push the feelings I had to the side and convince myself that friendship was best. But when I thought of him being here, face-to-face with me it made the flutter return. And what’s worse, I’d invited him to stay with me. I know. Not my smartest move. But the offer had just slipped out and once it was out there I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t really want to take it back. Apparently I enjoyed playing with fire.
I was still surprised that he was coming for the reunion. If he hadn’t said he was coming I might have very well skipped the whole thing. I pretty much kept in touch with everyone I wanted to. Plus, we were living in the time of Facebook, I already knew what everyone was up to. I even knew what Christy, from my old Algebra class, had for dinner last night. But, he was coming to town and he wanted to go. It didn’t seem like his scene, but I’d agreed to go just the same. It might be fun, seeing everyone again and let’s face it, knowing I was going with Owen, made it seem a lot easier.
I pulled into the temporary parking lot at the airport and made my way inside to wait for Owen. I was working hard at pushing back the nerves that kept creeping up on me. I wanted to see him, but I also knew what being in the same room with him did to me. It made me lose all coherent thought. That wasn’t so scary before, but knowing that there was someone back home waiting for him made me want to put up my guard and squash these feelings.
I made my way inside and up to where the gates where passe
ngers were emerging. I stared up at the top of the escalators as face after face emerged. Each time I saw a tall dark haired man, my heart would skip a beat and I’d have to remind myself to breathe again. This weekend might very well be the death of me. Then, there he was. He wore dark jeans and a dark brown sweater. He locked eyes with me and a slow smile found his lips. He looked devastatingly handsome. I smiled back and managed a small wave. I quickly gave myself a quick pep talk to play it cool.
When he reached the bottom of the escalator he came straight towards me and grabbed me up in a big hug. I laughed as my feet left the ground. He gave the best hugs. “Hi,” I laughed again as he put me back on the ground.
“You look great. Thanks for picking me up,” he said.
“I should be saying the same thing to you,” I laughed.
“Couldn’t help it,” he smiled. He took my hand into his, it was casual, but it still did things to my insides. “Let’s go get the luggage.” He was in great spirits and it was infectious.
“Here we are,” I pulled into the drive and out of the corner of my eye I saw Owen taking in the house. He smiled.
“This house is perfect for you. It just kind of screams Ally,” he said thoughtfully. I took a moment and tried to look at it as if for the first time. It was simple, a brick one story house with angles on the roof and a nice porch that wrapped around and a porch swing. He was right though, I had fallen in love with it instantly. It was home and it was nice that he saw that in it. I loved that he knew me so well.
“Let’s go in,” I said opening the door of the SUV and moving towards the back to grab his suitcase.
“Give me that,” he scolded as he came up beside me and took the bag from my hands.
“I can do it,” I held on stubbornly.
“I have no doubt that you can, but you won’t. Now give it to me. You can open the door,” he smiled sweetly and I relinquished control of the bag.
“Fine. Wouldn’t want you to feel like less of a man.” I threw him a teasing look over my shoulder. He chuckled and followed me inside.
I got him settled in his room and then grabbed us each a beer and moved to the living room. I curled up in the overstuffed chair opposite the couch. While it was one of my favorite places to sit, the move was actually strategic. I still felt like it was best for us to keep our distance. We’d been on our best behavior since his little confession, but there was still tension and a sense of something unfinished with us. I needed to be careful.
“So I can’t believe you are making me go to this thing tomorrow,” I groaned taking a sip of my beer.
“It’ll be fun. We can get drunk and make fun of the cheerleaders.” He made a face and I laughed. We had done a lot of that back in our high school days.
“Well there is that,” I relented. “I’m just really glad that we are going together. I can have you as a buffer in case Brendon shows up.” I wrinkled my nose up at the idea.
Owen laughed, throwing his head back. “That asshole. I bet he is bald by now,” he said.
“Oh, I hope so,” I laughed. “He loved his hair. I am pretty sure he spent more time in front of the mirror than I ever did.” I thought back to my ex and as per usual I felt a twinge of regret. He’d been my first and he had dumped me not long after. Of course, that memory always spun into the night he had broken up with me. It was graduation and it was also the night that Owen and I had ended up in the old barn together. But I didn’t want to think about that now, especially when he was here with me.
We talked about people we knew from high school and made hilarious predictions for them all. In reality we already knew where most had ended up, but it was more fun to make up our own versions.
He sat with me in the kitchen as I made us dinner. Our conversation moved easily and I was taken with how comfortable I was with him. We never ran out of things to talk about. And we talked a lot. I wondered if we’d ever reach a point where we just knew everything there was to know about each other. When I asked him this same thing, he assured me that it was pretty probable. “You already know me better than anyone else. The way I see it, that’s really just the beginning.” His words had tugged at my heart and I pushed it aside, afraid to give it too much thought.
“Thanks for letting me stay here,” he smiled as we settled in to watch a movie. I gave in and sat on the couch with him. I was comfortable and after the three beers I had over the evening I wasn’t feeling nearly as uptight about the whole situation.
“It’s no problem. I’m glad you are here. It gives us more time together,” I smiled. He smiled back but didn’t say anything, he just held my gaze for a long moment. Then he nodded and turned back towards the flat screen.
“So you aren’t going to make me watch some stupid chick flick are you? I draw the line at The Notebook,” he said seriously.
“But it’s Ryan Gosling.” I returned his serious look and he rolled his eyes. “Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t roll your eyes at Ryan Gosling,” I deadpanned.
He chuckled and I gave him a stern look to warn him that I was serious. That made him laugh more. “Or what? What will you do?” he challenged.
I pretended to think about it for a moment. “Let’s just say, you don’t want find out,” I warned. He laughed again, but then bit it back when I kept my game face on.
“Okay, Okay…you win,” he laughed, and grabbed my hands and pulled me over closer to him. My resolve broke and I laughed with him.
“That’s right I win. You’d be best to remember that for the future,” I said as I settled in next to him. “I should make you watch The Notebook just out of spite. But since you are a guest, I’ll let you pick. Don’t say I never did anything for you.” I handed him the remote so he could look through Netflix. He paused at a few action flicks and gave me a sideways glance to see what I thought. I didn’t care. I was up for anything. He ended up choosing Anchorman.
“Comedies are good common ground,” he smiled. He leaned over and switched off the light as the movie started. I pulled a pillow into my lap, the darkness making me more aware of him beside me. Funny how the lack of conversation and light made me hyperaware of all of his movements. It took me a little while to even be able to concentrate on the movie. I should have sat in the chair.
“Hey, Kat - Wake up.” I felt foggy and as I shook it away I realized that I was nestled against a warm chest. Owen’s chest. I sat up quickly.
“Oh, crap. Sorry. I guess I fell asleep,” I said shyly. I hoped I hadn’t drooled on him. Geesh.
“About an hour ago,” he smiled.
“Shit, really? I guess I was tired. Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to use you as a pillow.” I moved away from him and got to my feet.
“It’s okay. I didn’t mind. It was nice,” he admitted quietly. I bit my lip and looked away. I loved when he said stuff like that, but they were all dangerous words because they had me fighting butterflies and we were just friends now. There could be no confusion about that.
“So I guess I should get to bed then. You think you’ll be okay? I can get you more blankets if you want,” I said turning into hostess again. He made it to his feet and stretched. I pretended not to notice the way his shirt lifted up showing off the lines of his hard stomach. Holy hell….he had those sexy V muscles peeking out of his jeans. I swallowed hard and turned away, lest he see me ogling him.
“I’ll be fine. How about tomorrow I take you to breakfast? We can wander around town for a bit before the reunion.” He stifled his own yawn as we moved towards the hall where the bedrooms were.
“That sounds great,” I managed. We stopped at the guest room door and he leaned against the door jam.
“Good. I’ll see you in the morning then.” He looked so good. His clothes were a little rumpled and his eyes were sleepy. I wondered if he had dozed off during the movie too.
“Yeah, goodnight.” I gave him a smile as I headed down the hall towards my own room. I shut the door behind me and sunk to my bed. I wasn’t sure if I would get much sleep kn
owing he was just down the hall. It was silly, but just knowing he was so close brought out the desires I had been working to keep down. I chastised myself for letting them in. I yawned again and glanced at the clock. It read 2:03. Huh. We started the movie at 9. It dawned on me that I’d been asleep with Owen for much longer than an hour. I couldn’t help it, the idea made me smile.
Chapter Fourteen
Owen and I spent the day wandering the city. We had breakfast at a diner downtown and then grabbed some coffee to go and walked the city streets. We pretended to be tourists, even though we’d grown up just 45 minutes from here. I loved Nashville. I loved the history and the music and the buzz that lingered in the air. I’d settled in easily here. It was close to my parents, but far enough away where I felt like I was still on my own adventure when I’d come for college. I’d never left. I’d settled in at the agency and found a solid group of friends that had become my second family. It was a great place to live and sharing it with Owen, even though he was from here, was nice.
“Do you still have your guitar?” I asked as we passed a music store. I hadn’t thought to ask him about it before now. I had always loved listening to him play. He was good and his voice was smooth and sultry. I used to close my eyes and just get lost in the raspy rhythm. But he never played for anyone else. I always kind of liked that it was a special thing for us, even though I felt like he could have really done something with it.
He shrugged, “I still have it, but I don’t play that much anymore. Too busy, I guess.”
“That’s a shame,” I said stopping to peer in the window at a pink electric guitar. “You are really good. I always liked listening to you play,” I smiled at him as we moved on down the street.
