by Shae Scott
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the guy you think I am.” He closed his eyes as he spoke.
“But you are.” I gave him a sad look, “You just don’t believe it yet.”
We sat for a long moment, both lost in the words that had been said and the decisions that had been made.
“Look, I know this is going to come out sounding wrong, but I have to try. I want to stay here with you tonight. I won’t try anything, I promise. I just…I can’t walk out that door right now. Please don’t make me. Just let me lay here with you. Please.” He sounded so vulnerable that I couldn’t deny him.
“Okay,” I said, softly. He relaxed in relief. I got up and pulled him to his feet and pulled back the covers. “I’ll be right back.” I went into the bathroom, grabbing my pajamas on my way. I only took a few minutes, but when I came back Owen was on the bed, sitting against the headboard in his boxers and a t-shirt. I took a moment to just memorize the moment, knowing this would probably be the last time I saw him this way. I swallowed hard, the pain a giant lump in my throat.
I moved to the bed and crawled in beside him. He pulled me to him and I snuggled in against him. The warmth of his embrace soothing me and making me feel a little less broken.
“Ally,” he murmured softly, against my hair. “How do I walk away from you?” I could hear the pain in his voice, defeated. I couldn’t reply, the tears threatening to make a comeback. I felt like I might break in two.
“I need you to know, everything I said was truth. Every emotion I’ve had has been honest and real. I will treasure every moment with you for the rest of my life. I’ll always wish that I could have been more for you, that I could have been more for myself, for us. You are my heart,” he said. I looked up at him, and brushed my face with the softest of touches. “Can I just kiss you? Please, let me kiss you one more time.” I could tell he thought I’d say no, but I wasn’t going to deny myself this last kiss, one last moment of holding everything I’d wanted. I closed the space between us and our lips touched. The electricity was still there, but there were so many feelings behind it that I thought it might be the end of me. We tasted and savored each other in a gift that most people never get. No one really gets to know their last kiss with someone is actually the last. I did and I would remember it for always.
I let him hold me and murmur sweet words to me until we both fell asleep, the emotional and physical exhaustion taking us under and for all of the turmoil that was in my heart, I slept more peacefully than I had in weeks.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Life was different. Owen and I had each put on a mask that final morning in Chicago. We had said all that we could say and there were no easy answers. There was no solution to make all of the parts work together. So we walked away. Neither of us with any idea what the days ahead would bring.
I didn’t hear from him. He didn’t hear from me. After three weeks I had settled into some sort of acceptance that we were indeed going to fade into each other’s past. It was strange, my life had gone back to the way it was before he’d come back into it, yet everything felt so completely different. With each passing day I jumped a little less each time I got a text or a call. I stopped avoiding my email and I even managed to let up on the constant analyzing of our time together. It was hard, but I was reasonable enough to know that as hard as it was, I had saved myself more heartache in the long run.
“Let’s go out tonight. I called the girls and I think we are all due for a night out. What do you say?” It was Cassie. She leaned against my office door, her bright blond waves standing out against her deep purple suit. She’d been my lifeline these last few weeks. She was good at keeping me distracted when I needed it and always available when I just needed to talk it out. Again. She was a true friend and I was so thankful to have her in my corner.
“I think that sounds like a great idea.” The idea sounded better the more I thought about it. I needed to get out and shake this whole thing off. What better way to do that, than to spend some time with the girls who knew me best?
“Yeah?” I could see that she was excited and a little surprised by my answer.
“Yeah. Let’s do it.” I gave her a smile and it felt good.
She gave a woot and clapped her hands. “Awesome. I’ll pick you up at 8. We’ll grab some dinner and then head out and do some dancing.” She raised her eyebrows in that mischievous way that she did when she was planning debauchery.
I sat at a big round table with empty shot glasses of tequila scattered around. We were all feeling the effects. We’d ended up at a popular Nashville honky tonk. Ashley had wanted to find a cowboy she could two-step with and we’d all agreed. It was one of my favorite places. It wasn’t your typical smoky club filled with pumping bass and lights. It was more laid back with a random mix of patrons all there to drink some beer, enjoy the band and let the stress of the week fade away. I watched the crowd of people dancing to a cover of Blake Shelton’s Mine Would Be You. I swayed to the music, smiling, as I watched Ashley dancing with the cowboy that she’d found.
“Hi, there,” a voice asked from beside me. I looked up into a pair of blue eyes, just visible under a head of artfully styled brown hair. The look worked, giving him a nonchalant and relaxed demeanor. He was tall, lean and perfectly muscular. He wore one of those t-shirts that looked casual, but you know cost at least fifty bucks. His jeans were expensively ripped and he wore boots. If you smashed Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling together and then gave him the southern drawl of Josh Lucas from Sweet Home Alabama, you’d have this guy. He was hot, confident, but relaxed and instantly appealing. I took him in, appraising him without even considering how it came across. He smiled, the left side of his mouth curving up in an appreciative grin. “You wanna dance with me?” he asked.
I stared at him a moment longer before I felt Cassie kick me under the table. I threw her an irritated glance and she gave me one right back. I could almost hear her yelling at me in my head. Take a chance...dance with the kid!
“Okay,” I said. He took my hand and helped me up. He gave me one of those panty dropping grins that probably got him a lot of action with very little effort. He led me out to the dance floor and I went into his arms easily. I liked the way he felt. His arms were strong. I could feel the firm muscles as he put his arms around me.
“I’m Austin,” he offered looking down at me.
“Ally,” I said. I had to tilt my head back to see him. His eyes were really striking. A person could get lost in eyes like that, I thought. I suddenly wanted to do just that. If I could just talk to this guy and get to know him then maybe he’d be funny and sweet and the past few months wouldn’t matter anymore. I waited to feel the familiar zing, the undeniable attraction that would make me see past Owen. I waited. But I was too far gone to feel it.
We chatted off and on and I learned that Austin worked in music. Imagine that. Everyone in Nashville worked in music. But he didn’t name drop and that was a big plus for Austin. He was a local boy and his accent was like honey. Austin was a keeper…I just wasn’t sure I wanted to keep him. He asked for my number, so I gave it to him. Maybe he could be my rebound distraction. That’s what Cassie always told me. She was a firm believer in throwing yourself back into the game, until you forgot all about the previous players. It was worth a shot.
The rest of the night passed quickly. We laughed and drank and told stories. I didn’t talk about Owen, and no one brought him up. They were good girls. They knew exactly what I needed.
Instead of dropping me off, Cassie grabbed a bag from the back of her car and announced that she was staying over. I didn’t complain. I loved having her over. We changed into our pajamas, grabbed a bottle of wine and settled on the couch.
“You know,” she said pouring us each a glass, “You should go out with that Austin guy.” She glanced at me to catch my reaction.
I shrugged, considering. She was probably right. I needed to let go of this Owen thing. And maybe if I were to get out of the house more th
at would be easier.
“Probably. I didn’t really feel it though,” I admitted.
She gave me a steady look, to show me that her next words were serious. “Listen, babe, I know this whole Owen thing really threw you for a loop and it has been hard on you since you got back from Chicago. But just give it a go. You just need to see that there are lots of other hot guys out there who aren’t so wrapped up in their jobs. You deserve to find one of them,” she said.
I sighed, “I just don’t know if I’m over it enough to give it a fair shot. I just don’t really feel like getting anywhere near dating right now. Can’t I just sit in the corner and lick my wounds for a bit?”
“You could. But then you’d miss out on Austin. Or whoever. Look, I’m not saying that you don’t deserve to grieve over this thing you had going with him, but he doesn’t deserve your tears. He made the call, his loss. He’ll be sorry and he’ll come crawling back and when he does I want you to be able to go into that moment completely prepared. I think going out and seeing how things are without him will help you with that.” She sounded so smart. It was the authority her voice commanded. She could sell anything.
“He’s not coming back. I haven’t heard from him in weeks. Nothing. We talked all the time and now he is completely off the grid. I’m telling you, I saw that look in his eyes. Once he makes a decision it’s done and he was resolved. He’s gone.” It was hard to say out loud. It made it all more real.
“Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, you have to get out there again and just let what happens, happen. And yeah, maybe this Austin kid isn’t it, but you might as well go out and have fun. Hell, you could just stare at him all night and it’d be time well spent. That man is scrumdillyumptious.”
I laughed. He really was.
Austin called two days later and asked me out to a concert the following weekend. I agreed. I was apprehensive, but Cassie was right. It would be a good idea. It was time to join the world again. So Saturday night I put on a dress, curled my hair and went out with Mr. Gosling-Cooper-Lucas. He showed up at my door wearing dark jeans and a black button down. He even brought me some flowers. This kid had charm.
“You look beautiful.” He gave me his best smile and I even blushed a little under his gaze.
“Thanks. Just let me put these in some water and we can get going.” I took the flowers and arranged them in a vase on the kitchen counter. Austin followed me and chatted about where he was taking me to dinner. I liked him. I liked his relaxed personality. He seemed genuine and that was refreshing. I owed it to him, and to myself, to give it a chance.
We went to a nice Italian place near the theater where the show was. Austin was attentive and interesting and I found myself having a really good time and the past stayed where it belonged…in the past.
Austin told me about himself. He’d grown up here in Nashville. His dad was a record producer, which is where his love of music had come from. His eyes lit up when he talked. I could tell that he was passionate about it.
“What was your first concert?” he asked.
“New Kids on the Block. I was so in love with them. I was twelve and my friends and I slept outside in a parking lot to get tickets. It was amazing.”
“You slept outside to see New Kids on the Block?” he laughed, leaning back in his chair and shaking his head. “Where were your parents?”
“We had a chaperon. God, it was so much fun. I was totally going to marry Jordan.” I closed my eyes and pretended to daydream wistfully.
“Shame that didn’t work out for you,” he teased.
“Right? It really is. What about you? I know you have to have some kind of embarrassing concert story to tell.”
He thought for a moment and then leaned forward across the table. He glanced around as if making sure no one could hear him, and then he looked at me seriously. “Vanilla Ice…twice.” He sat back, nodding as if to confirm the truth of his statement. I laughed.
“Wow, twice,” I laughed.
“Okay…three times. I didn’t want it to seem weird.” That made me laugh louder and I covered my mouth to try and stifle the noise. His eyes danced at my reaction. “Don’t tell anyone,” he warned.
“Your secret is safe with me,” I smiled.
We were headed out of the restaurant when I felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it out to glance at the text message that had just come in. My heart stopped suddenly, before starting again with a forceful thump, hammering against my chest in a painful way. Owen.
Can we talk?
Can we talk? What the hell? Did he have some kind of radar that told him I was feeling happy for a moment? Three words and I was at a sudden stand still. Why was he texting me now?
“Everything okay?” Austin asked, eying me curiously. I put my phone away and smiled up at him.
“Everything is great. Sorry about that.” I wasn’t letting Owen ruin my evening. I couldn’t let him have that power over me.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Yeah. Let’s go,” I smiled. He held out his hand and I took it and we headed towards the venue.
The show was awesome. Austin’s music connections came in handy and we had awesome seats. I didn’t even object when he slipped his arms around my waist as we swayed to the music. There was a slight part of me that felt guilty, like I was betraying Owen, thinking about that text waiting for me, but I brushed it off and blocked him out.
By the time we made it back to the car I was chattering away. I felt relaxed in his company and it was nice. Surprising. He opened my door for me and I climbed inside. I heard my phone start with a familiar ring. Owen’s ring. Damn.
I grabbed the phone and silenced it. I noticed then that there had been two other missed calls. I had an instant sinking feeling. Why was he calling me now? What was there to talk about? The whole thing irritated me. I felt my skin heat the more I thought about it. I was on a date and he was invading it.
Austin gave me a questioning look. “Do you need to get that?”
“Oh no, it’s nothing important.” I gave him my best smile and focused on him and hiding the turmoil that was brewing inside me. He continued the conversation, and I was pretty sure that he could sense that I was a little distracted, but he wasn’t going to let on. He was a good guy.
He pulled up to my house and shut the car off. I thought about asking him inside, but I couldn’t.
“I had a great time tonight. I’d like to see you again.” He gave me that panty dropping grin and while it didn’t cause my insides to twist I could appreciate just how handsome he was.
“I would like that,” I smiled. And I meant it. I liked Austin. He was charming and sweet and he made me laugh. I could do worse.
“Good.” He smiled at me and moved closer. He was going to kiss me. I had a moment to decide if I was going to let him. I waited for the pull, the tingle that should hit right before a kiss. Maybe I wasn’t feeling it because I was still hung up on Owen and the past. Maybe a kiss would zap me to my senses. Shock therapy.
I focused on his lips, they looked soft and he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. I leaned into him, before I could question myself. His lips brushed against my own, gently, asking for permission to go further. I leaned in and placed my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. I felt his tongue against my lips, requesting entrance, as his hands moved to my hair. His tongue began to explore as he deepened the kiss, pulling me closer to him. I tried to sink into his embrace, allow myself to be taken away by the moment, yearning to feel the fire spark within me. I was trying too hard. I wanted it to be easy, but maybe I wasn’t ready for it yet.
Before I could pull away, there was a loud banging on the window beside me. We jumped apart and I squealed in surprise. “What the hell?” Austin was on his way out of the car before I could process what was happening. My door opened and I sat open-mouthed in surprise. There he was, the man that had been invading my date all night, standing there in the flesh, glaring at me.
“Get out of the car, Ally.” H
is voice was serious and cold. What was he doing here? I huffed and got out of the car.
“What are you doing, Owen?” I glared right back at him as I shut the car door behind me. I noticed Austin rounding the car.
“You are way out of line, man,” Austin said angrily as he stepped up to Owen. “You need to leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Owen said, but his glare was still focused solely on me.
“Why are you even here?” I spit out the words.
“We need to talk.” His voice was commanding.
“We don’t. I’m busy right now. I’m on a date.” I turned to Austin who had come to stand between us.
“I can see that. But it’s over now.” He eyed me up and down. “Nice dress,” he said with anything but approval.
“Look, I don’t know who you are, but it’s obvious that Ally doesn’t want you here.” Austin stepped closer to Owen, causing his jaw to clench. I was starting to wonder if Owen might throw a punch. I could feel the anger rolling off of him in waves.
Owen gave Austin a sideways glance, like he was an annoying mosquito, before turning his focus back to me. “Let’s go inside,” he demanded and I felt my skin prickle.
Austin took another step closer, “I don’t think you heard what I said. Ally doesn’t want you here. You need to leave.”
Owen turned to him then, glowering and intimidating. I was impressed to see that Austin didn’t flinch. This was obviously way beyond first date expectations. “Don’t tell me what she wants. I know her a hell of a lot better than you ever will. You’re not needed here any longer. Go.”
I felt anger fire within me. Who did he think he was? “Excuse me? You don’t get to decide for me. I still don’t even know what you are doing here.” I sidestepped Austin and moved closer to Owen.
“I told you…I’m here to talk. Send your friend home,” he said. I had never seen his eyes so dark. His entire body was tense and it made the air between us heavy and thick.
