by Shae Scott
We lay there, trying to catch our breath for a long time. I couldn’t help but feel a little vulnerable after that. Finally he rolled off of me, but he pulled me with him so that I was pressed into his side.
“Well, now I know why everyone says make up sex is the best,” he chuckled softly. I looked up at him curiously. His eyes were closed.
“Wait, you’ve never had make up sex before?” I knew Owen had his share of romantic interludes so this surprised me.
I felt his shoulders lift in a shrug. “No one was ever worth fighting with…let alone making up with,” he said.
His words made me sad, yet somehow special all at the same time. Sometimes it was easy to forget how new he was to this whole thing. I would have to remember that. I would have to find patience. I moved so I could rest my chin on his chest and look up at him. He was so amazingly handsome. It still caught me by surprise sometimes. “Well, as much as I really don’t like fighting with you, I suppose I can find something to be angry about now and again so you can experience more make up sex.” I kept my tone teasing. He laughed and wrapped his arms around me.
“As long as you keep forgiving me, we’ll be golden,” he said. I knew he was half serious.
Chapter Thirty
Whoever said that long distance relationships were hard knew what they were talking about. They were shit. I now knew first hand why people don’t do them. It’s like living a double life. There is your reality; work, friends, the normal day-to-day monotony, and you put on your brave face and trudge through each day. But each day is just a stepping stone to get to what you really want and that is the time you get to spend with your loved one. You wish away the long stretches of time of the normal just to get to the quick flashes of a weekend with time spent together. Everything takes on new meaning, each activity, a reminder of who is missing. It’s hard and it’s exhausting.
We were working our way through it. The trick was finding ways to incorporate each other in the day-to-day so the distance didn’t feel so large. It meant a lot of texts and skype and small surprises sent to say I’m thinking about you. It was talking about the things we’d rather be doing than just talking on the phone. It was a struggle, but it was one I happily made because to have him at all was better than the alternative.
We stuck to our schedule and managed to continue seeing each other every two weeks, rotating off between Nashville and Chicago. It wasn’t easy and sometimes the constant traveling would cause us to bicker. But it never failed, once we were back in each other’s arms everything felt right again and the hassles all faded away. It was worth it. We were happy. It wouldn’t work forever, but for now it was what we had to do and we were both willing to make it work. Sometimes it was just about choosing to make it work.
*****
When Owen arrived for our weekend he looked stressed and a little frazzled. He came into the living room and put his bag down. He didn’t even stop to give me a kiss. Something serious was up. “What’s wrong?” I was worried. I’d not seen him like this. He looked a bit like a caged animal and I could tell that something was really wrong.
He let out a deep sigh and leaned against the bar, running his hands through his hair. I had the feeling he’d been doing that a lot today. I leaned against the opposite counter, waiting for him to tell me what was wrong.
“Everything is a mess. Anna is killing me. She is being completely difficult about this whole thing. I’m over it. I’ve tried to give her time and I’ve tried to be fair to her, but she is making my life hell. I told her that I’d set up a meeting with Max to tell him that we were done. I was prepared to just take the blame for the break up, let her play the victim if she had to. I thought that would make her happy and just get this whole thing over with. I can’t stand people thinking her and I are still together. It makes me crazy. I told her I couldn’t wait anymore and she got so pissed off. She started screaming at me and throwing things around her office. It was nuts. I’ve never seen her like that.” He rubbed the back of his neck.
I moved towards him, the need to comfort him was too much. I needed to touch him, calm him. I hated that he was dealing with this, even as I needed him to deal with it and make it happen. I just hated that it was causing such drama in his life. He wrapped his arms around me, buried his face into my hair and breathed in deep. I felt the tension start to leave him and I loved that I had that effect on him. Our connection was such that we could be the calming force in the middle of turmoil and stress. I craved that.
I let him take a moment and steady himself so he could finish his story. Still, wrapped around me he finally told me the rest. “Anyway, I’d had it. I went to see Max and when I got there she was already there. They both had these giant smiles on their face. I walked right into an ambush. She told him that we were getting married. That she had found the ring. She used that damn ring against me and now everything has hit the fan. I didn’t even know what to do. I went into a rage. I don’t think I’ve ever been that angry before.”
I froze in his arms. Something about what he’d said hit me.
“She what?” I asked, pulling back to look at him.
“Yeah, she had the balls to tell him that she found the ring and that I was planning on asking her to marry me. I was just shell shocked. And she goes into this whole thing about how I’m just mad because she ruined the surprise. Fuck, I’m just done. I walked out and came straight here. The lady is crazy. Fruit-fucking-loop-crazy,” he seethed.
I hated her. I hated that she was trying to keep him from me. I hated that he hadn’t just told Max the truth right then. “Why didn’t you just tell Max the truth?” I asked quietly.
“I didn’t know how. I mean…fuck, Ally, I still want my job. If I came out and said that I’d lied he would have lost it. Anna is still his daughter, ya know? I just can’t believe that she brought that damn ring with her,” he muttered.
There it was again. I stepped away from him. “Wait. She had a ring with her?” I asked. Something wasn’t making sense. I saw the moment that Owen realized what he’d said. It was a shadow of panic. That flash said that there was something more to this story.
He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. “Owen. Where did the ring come from?” I asked. My voice didn't sound like it came from me.
“Ally…I can explain,” he started. Shit. It was him. That ring had come from him.
“Did you buy that ring? Did you buy her a ring?” My voice cracked and I cursed myself for it. The world was spinning, tilting and becoming all askew. He looked down at his feet and took a deep breath. Oh God. I saw it then. The truth rolled off of him and I felt sick to my stomach. The air around me seemed to thin and I could barely catch my breath. “You were going to marry her.” It wasn’t a question. I could see it all so clearly now. Charade or no charade, he had planned to take it to the end. He had bought her a ring.
This whole thing was too much. The room was spinning. I needed to sit down. I needed to get away from him. I needed to hit him…hard. My heart was slamming against my chest. It was causing me physical pain. Every image that I’d had for our future was suddenly shattered, the pieces scattered at my feet.
He finally looked up at me. I saw the fear on his face. “Let me explain. It’s not how it sounds,” he assured me. He took a step towards me, but I held up a hand to stop him. I needed a minute.
“You bought her a ring. You were going to marry her,” I repeated. I had to say it again, because it just didn't feel real. This felt like more than I could handle. He suddenly felt like a stranger to me. He had made the whole situation with Anna seem like it was nothing serious. It was an arrangement. That’s what he’d told me. That’s what I had chosen to believe. I was a fool.
“Ally, look at me.” He was determined as he stepped towards me and put his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him, my vision blurry from the tears that were threatening me. “This isn’t what it sounds like. Yes, I bought a ring. It was a whim. There was a time I thought it would be easier to
just follow through. The thing with Anna was easy and convenient and I thought it would push me further into getting the success that I wanted. It was stupid. I never gave it to her. I never even thought about giving it to her. I don’t know how she even found it. I don’t love her. I have never loved her. I’m not lying to you. I know that is what is going through your head right now. I know you think I have made this whole thing up and that you are the other woman. But it’s not like that. I promise you that I have been honest. Please…please listen to me,” he begged. I could see the determination there, the need for me to hear his words and believe them. I wanted to. But there was something keeping me from it. It was as if every single doubt that I’d had was flooding my mind. Every question, every doubt, had me asking if I’d been fooled this entire time. How was it that I had suddenly lost all trust for this man?
I took a step back from him, needing space. I needed to clear my head and figure this out. He tried to keep his hand on me, but I couldn’t handle the contact. What was I doing? How had I gotten to this point? How had I become this person? My heart hurt with an intensity that I had never known before. It was despair and it shocked me to know that I was in that deep. So deep that the thought of having to walk away from this man was leaving me so instantly broken, shattered.
I stared at him, standing in front of me, this handsome man looking so lost. I could still see the panic in his eyes. I knew he could see the internal argument that I was having with myself, but he wasn’t sure if he should interrupt or not. I didn’t know what to do. Everything was happening so fast around me that I couldn’t focus.
“Ally, please don’t make this into something bigger than it is. I promise you…”
I cut him off with a sharp look. “Don’t,” I snapped. The command pulled from me before I even made the decision. “Don’t talk to me about promises. I don’t even know who you are right now. You’ve been lying to me this whole time. Was this a game to you? Was I just some fun distraction? The pathetic girl that you had unfinished business with? How long did you plan to string me along?” I could feel anger simmering at the surface and I tried to hold on to it so that it could get me through these next moments. Because it was suddenly clear to me that I had to walk away. I couldn’t do this anymore. This wasn’t about love or passion…this was about my survival. I had allowed myself to fall so hard for this man. I had trusted him and made plans for my future for him. I was so busy falling for him that I never stopped to question whether he was falling with me.
“Ally,” he said my name again and it said so much with the single word. It was a plea, a warning, a command. He needed me to stop and listen. I needed to be away from him so I could think clearly.
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry. It’s too much.” The words came out soft, but I did my best to keep them steady. I had to pull my strength together. He would see my weakness. He knew how to push my buttons and how to get me to change my mind. I couldn’t let him see how fragile my resolve was. I didn’t want to walk away, but I had to. If I hurt this badly now, how could I expect to survive the break that would come another month or another year down the road? I thought I could handle it. But that was before I knew how attached he still was to his make believe life. I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait and hope that his words were true, that he would choose me over that life. I couldn’t do it. And it killed me. “I can’t do this to myself. It’s too hard.” I let out a breath slowly, trying to hold on to my focus.
Owen was silent, staring at his shoes. I could hear my heart beating a heavy rhythm in my ears. “Please, don’t do this,” he said. I could barely hear him. “It’s not how it sounds.” His voice was desperate as he ran his hands through his hair. “You know how I feel about you. About us.” My heart tugged at the desperation that I heard. I felt it too.
I took a deep breath to steady myself and try and clear out the haze that threatened to overtake me. “I can’t keep waiting for you with the hopes that you will finally choose me,” I said.
His gaze snapped to me and I saw the instant fire in his eyes. “I have chosen you,” he bit out.
I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, blurring his face. “No. She has your ring. She has told everyone that she expects to marry you. There is no room for me in that equation,” I said.
The look he gave me was hard. “It’s not like that.” His voice was clipped. I could see him trying to hold on to this situation. He hated being out of control and he was losing his grip on this one quickly.
I wanted to believe him, I really did. But doing so could leave me broken and alone. I had become part of a classic story. “There are women all over the world falling for that same line. I won’t be one of them.”
His eyes flared. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” he glared at me.
“Owen, let’s be honest. This,” I waved my hand between us, “this relationship isn’t good for either of us. We have different priorities. We’re just going to hurt each other,” I said.
His eyes narrowed. “Why do you make it sound that way? Like you don’t believe this is real?” His voice was flat, and I could sense his defenses going up.
I shrugged, trying to appear indifferent. “Because, if it were real, you wouldn’t be engaged to another woman,” I said.
Low blow. I knew it.
I jumped as he slammed his fist down onto the table, making the vase rattle.
“Goddamn it, Ally, don’t you dare do that. Don’t you trivialize this. Don’t act like what we have isn’t real,” he yelled. He took a step closer to me, his eyes blazing. He was fuming. I knew he could feel the weight of this moment, feel everything crashing down around us and the lack of control was pushing him to the edge. He stopped just in front of me, leveling his gaze to mine, his eyes intense and stormy. “You and me. We. Are. Real. We are the realist damn thing that there is. I know I screwed up. I know I have a mess to fix, but don’t you dare act like this is something less than it is. I won’t let you.”
“It’s the same thing, over and over again. You have a mess to fix, be patient…I’m done. I can’t keep waiting for you to put me first.”
He glared at me and took a step closer and I flinched back. I saw the way that it cut him, regret flashing across his face.
I couldn’t speak. It felt too dangerous. But I held his gaze. I needed him to see that I was serious. I saw it register and my pain was reflected back to me. He closed his eyes, defeated. He turned his back to me and I took the opportunity to take a deep breath. I just had to get through this. I could break after he’d left. The silence hung in the air between us for a long time.
Minutes.
We were stalling, trying to find a way out of this mess that we found ourselves in. I couldn’t keep the tears away. They slid silently down my face, threatening the complete break that was inevitable.
Owen turned towards me and I saw his own eyes glistening. It nearly did me in. Because no matter what I had said, I knew that it was real. I knew he loved me. I knew our connection was rare. But I also knew that it wasn’t enough. Not anymore. Not when he wasn’t willing to make the hard decisions that would allow us to be together. I needed him to be all in. I was all in, my heart was his. But you can’t do it all on your own, and I was realizing that I was trying to do just that. There is patience and then there is being a fool and I had crossed that line. I had to save myself. I had to make the hard choices. I knew what I could handle, and loving him when he still had obligations that he wasn’t going to walk away from was not something I could take. Risk taken. Now I was folding.
“I can’t walk away from you. I can’t let you do this to us,” he said quietly. My heart ripped a little more. There was such truth in his voice that I wanted to fall into his arms, which is why I needed him to leave.
“I can’t let you stay,” I replied.
He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair and I could see him fighting off the emotion. I heard it in his voice as he said, “I love you.” I bit my lip hard to keep the
sob that slammed against my chest away. Three simple words that tore into me like shrapnel, spilling out everything I was trying to hold together.
“I can’t,” I said softly. “I have to do this for me.”
I met his gaze and my heart caught. This was the hardest moment. I could feel my heart turning to dust. There would be no healing it. It was done. All I could hope for now was survival, a scab that would allow me to make it through one more day.
Owen shook his head and turned away from me, once again running his hands through his hair. I saw his shoulders rise and fall as he took deep breaths. “This isn’t over. I won’t let it be over. You need some space, I get it. But it’s not over.” He moved towards the door, refusing to look back at me. I couldn’t let him walk out without making this final. I couldn’t leave it hanging over us, waiting for it to crumble slowly. Rip the band-aid off, right? That’s what that they say.
“It is over, Owen. I can’t do it. I won’t,” I said simply. He paused, hand on the doorknob. I waited for him to say something. Make another plea, force me to listen. But he didn’t. He gave another slight shake of his head and walked out the door. It closed behind him with a loud bang and I flinched at the finality that it left behind. This was our goodbye. Sudden and sad and I was completely lost. I stared at the empty room as it seemed to spin around me. That’s when I saw the bag that he’d dropped on the floor when he’d gotten here. He’d walked out without it. I stared at it for a long moment. He’d come back for that, right? It was important. I could change my mind and we’d talk. There had to be an answer to this whole thing. Regret started to drown me as I second guessed what I had done. I sunk to my knees next to the bag and let the pain overtake me.
