by Jane Linfoot
‘The thing is, I’m back, my life here is sorted, I’ve just committed to a three month work booking and I’m settled.’
‘Anything interesting?’
‘I don’t know the details as yet, only that the offer was too good to turn down.’
‘Oh, right.’ He nodded obliquely. ‘You know Shea, you can come back and live your life, pretend everything is okay, but sooner or later your demons will be back to haunt you, I guarantee it. Hell, if anyone knows that to their cost, it’s me.’
‘You would say that, wouldn’t you.’
‘You were the one who made me talk about mine, remember? You were the one who told me that facing my demons was the only way to conquer them. Where would I be now if I’d stonewalled like you’re doing?’
Her only reply was a disgruntled snort as she propped her chin on her hand. Watching her strawberry pout quivering, he longed to crash his mouth over it, make everything okay again, but right now that would be folly. God, he hoped he could explain, talk her round, make this work, because who knew what he was going to do if he couldn’t?
‘The point is you helped me. You helped me get back in touch with my mother, helped me come to terms with all the stuff about the accident, the reason I hated Edgerton. You made me feel secure, happy enough to sleep again. But you helped me because I let you, and it’s only fair that you let me help you too. I know the way I reacted when I found out about Greg was unforgivable. I was uncompassionate and selfish, and I can’t blame you if you hold that against me. You have been through so much pain and grief and suffering, but hell, you deserve another chance to be happy, and if I have it in my power to help you do that, I will. But you have to let me.’
He watched her chomping on her thumbnail, like a stubborn child in a strop, forcing himself to ignore how her robe had slipped, to give him an uninterrupted take on the delicious curve of her right breast. He’d missed her so much; this had to work. A slight shift in her position cut off his sight line.
Damn.
‘If it hadn’t been for you, I’d never have picked up a guitar again, and I’d still be sleeping in the office chair, dammit. And I wouldn’t be desperate to spend my life with a woman. So you, and your advice about facing demons, have got a hell of a lot to answer for.’
There was still no shift in her tight lipped pout. Right now he didn’t know what he wanted to do most – shake her or kiss her.
‘With your help, I overcame all that stuff. At the time, I knew you understood me better than anyone else in the world, but it’s only now I know the reason you understood so well. All the pain you’d been through yourself let you reach out to help me, touch me in a way no-one else could. But that last demon of all was the killer – the rest were nothing compared to that. Me with my jealous streak, finding out that you loved a man who was dead, that damned nearly destroyed me. That last one was the monster of all demons – so huge it made me ignore all your needs, and become totally obsessed with my own. If you had any idea of the number of buildings I had to jump off to get to grips with that one … ’
He felt the catch in his throat, watched her eyes narrow as she reacted to the sudden faltering of his voice, but he battled on, fighting to get the words out because these were the words he had been aching to tell her.
‘You loving him explained why you were always so anxious for the end to come for us. At first the jealousy ate me up, but then I remembered how you told me jealousy was the most destructive emotion. Then I began to face it and to beat it. I had every motivation to because if I didn’t, there was no chance of being with you at all, and I couldn’t bear the idea of that.’
* * *
In silence she lowered her eyes, clasped her arms around her ribs as she heard the swagger leech out of Brando, sensed the arrogance drop away, leaving only low imploring tones as he went on.
‘And so I know now that you will always love him, and I’m okay with that, because I’ve decided that even if you only have a little bit of love left over to give as you move on to the future, however small that is, I have to be the one you give that love to. I love you, Shea, I have to be with you .… ’
She took a long, juddering breath. She’d missed Brando so much since they’d been apart. The day Brando left, the colour left her world and she’d felt physically ill with her need for him. And Brando saying he loved her now was the scariest thing in the world. But at the same time, deep, deep down, it was what she’d ached to hear but never allowed herself to hope for. She knew, after what she’d done, that she didn’t deserve love ever again. She dared herself to raise her eyes.
Slowly. Up. Past the muscled denim thighs, the strong clasp of his fingers, over the faded folds of his shirt, the rugged column of his throat. Achingly slowly. Over the jagged thrust of his jaw, the sculpted shadows of his cheekbones. And then their eyes met, and her stomach did a triple flip – because the eyes that looked back at her weren’t the assured flinty eyes of a powerful man, but the cloud-grey eyes of an imploring, vulnerable boy.
That was all it took.
‘I feel sick!’ Simultaneously Shea tried to bury her moan, and quash the butterfly wings beating wildly in her chest, knowing that every last shred of resistance had seeped from her. She’d tried to fight it for so long, tried so hard to deny this heart-wringing, earth shaking feeling, that possessed every fibre of her being, even to herself.
‘Might that be because you love me, just a little bit?’ He studied her quizzically, the deep pools of his eyes turning her bones to syrup, as he rubbed a thumb pensively over his jaw, then extended an expectant hand towards her.
She shrank, quivering, back into her chair. There was so much she needed to explain.
‘I can’t do love Brando. That’s what you don’t understand. I can’t love you, I can’t love anyone, because I’m simply not capable of it.’ Whatever the strength of the tidal wave of emotion gripping her body, she couldn’t trust herself to love Brando as he deserved.
‘Come here and tell me about it. I can’t concentrate when you’re so far away.’ His face slid into a gentle smile that made her insides flip again, and he sprung forwards. She suppressed a shiver as his strong, firm fingers entwined with hers, tugging her insistently towards the sofa where he’d been sitting.
‘Please? It’ll be easier when you’re next to me.’
Those soft smudged charcoal eyes could make her do anything; her bodyweight was her only resistance now. One tug from Brando, they both hit the sofa, and her dizzy head crashed against the glorious rock of his shoulder.
‘Now, try and tell me why you can’t love me.’
It was hard when the heat of his body was infusing deep into her core, and the battering of his heartbeat and the dark musky scent of him were derailing her concentration completely.
Try not to think how perfect it feels to be in his arms. Not yet. How being back in his arms feels so much like coming home, home to where you want to be forever. Not when you can’t give what it takes to be in that place.
She inhaled deeply. Once she’d come clean, Brando would understand. ‘When I tried to love Greg, I failed him completely.’
‘In whose eyes?’
The vigour of his challenge shocked her, and fired a note of protest into her weary voice.
‘It wasn’t like you think, it wasn’t like anybody thought. Greg and I grew up together. Our families were close, then the summer I was eighteen, he came back from uni and we started hanging out together. It was later that year he started getting symptoms. It took a while, but eventually he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. When we found out he wasn’t going to get better, we got married. But everything went so fast – the fact they’re fit and strong makes the illness take hold faster. But the person who died wasn’t the Greg I knew. As the illness bit, he became bitter and angry and difficult, and in the end he came to hate me, and I couldn’t handle it. When it came to the test, my love for him wasn’t anywhere near big enough or good enough.’
‘I doubt anyone woul
d have coped as well with a situation like that!’ His sympathetic hand found her bare leg, tucked up underneath her now and he grasped her ankle, scraped a nail across her skin, continuing urgently. ‘It doesn’t mean you can’t love. Under different circumstances, better ones, I already know you have more than enough love to give. Hell, you’ve already showered me with love enough to help me through my problems! You just didn’t see it as love at the time.’
She dismissed his reassurance with a half shake of her head.
‘You haven’t heard the bad bit yet – the worst thing is that when he died, I was glad. I wasn’t sorry; all I felt was relief. And worse still was that everyone thought I should be devastated, when actually I was happy to be free, because it had all been so terrible. How awful is that? What sort of person does that make me?’
‘It makes you a real, human person, Shea, but not a bad one. You were coping with a traumatic loss. Grief drives us to extremes, we react unpredictably, feel crazy things. And it’s okay, it’s just a normal part of the hell of it all.’ Brando’s soft growl, gently justifying what she’d done.
‘I’ve never thought of it like that.’
‘Love is about helping each other through situations, and understanding, and being able to forgive when it doesn’t go right. You understood Greg couldn’t help being as he was. He would have forgiven you too, if he could have. You’ve been beating yourself up about it for too long. It’s time to give yourself a break.’ Brando rubbed away her pain like no-one else ever had.
‘Maybe … ’
Then his arms were around her, closing around her ribcage, holding her tightly as her body heaved and shuddered, and the tears that had been so long in coming soaked deep into his t-shirt. When she finally found her voice again it was small and scratchy.
‘I haven’t told anyone before, I was too ashamed. And I couldn’t even cry either.’ She sniffed, dragging her sleeve across the blotchy redness of her cheek. ‘All I could do was work, but then I couldn’t stop.’
‘I knew there had to be a reason, Miss Work-all-day-Shea. I had your number, you know.’
His gruff voice resonated beneath her face, still clamped to his chest.
‘You’ve no idea what a relief it was when I got away, and came to Edgerton where no-one knew. Because all these years people have tiptoed around me, trying not to upset me, trying to be considerate, whilst I was being a total fraud. Because the day Greg died, I wasn’t sad, or devastated, I was relieved. Who would ever want to be with a person like that?’
‘I can think of one person who wouldn’t mind at all.’
His reply came, low and laid-back, as he combed his fingers through the damp strands of her hair, nudging her head so he could see her. How like this wonderful, understanding man to make her feel as if her heart was about to burst.
‘But then there’s the way I feel so guilty.’ Somehow just saying the word out loud eased the crippling tension which had been twisting her gut into knots for days. ‘So long as what we had was temporary it was easy, because none of it mattered. But the morning I was leaving Edgerton, when you told me that you cared, that flipped everything on its head. Somehow, you talking about love made everything I’d been denying seem real. And not only those feelings existing, but how strong they were, made me feel so guilty – guilty for feeling so strongly about you, when I should have been feeling that about Greg. All the guilt I’d been holding back and ignoring this whole time came crashing down on me.’
Brando, eyes dark with thought, wrinkled his brow. ‘I think it’s natural for you to feel guilty. But what you feel now, won’t ever take away from what you and Greg had. That will always be special, part of your life, part of you, and I’ll always respect that. I’m just happy to have whatever you have to give to me. I already know it’s enough, but I also know I can’t live without it.’
‘Thank you for saying that Brando. In my heart of hearts, I know Greg would want me to be happy and to start living again. And I know that I’m ready. I think that’s what I proved when I came to Edgerton.’
‘I think so too.’ He trailed a finger across her cheek.
‘I’m very pleased I came.’ She was filled with the strangest sensation, as her worries and fears began to melt away to nothing.
‘So am I.’ As he rubbed his cheekbone against hers, the tingling abrasion sent darts of desire skittering through her.
She was aware of a warm syrupy heat pooling in the base of her stomach. It had to be because she was sitting, curled up safe, next to the man she was going to be spending her life with. He’d somehow given her something she thought she’d never have again – the chance to love. And he’d shown her, not only that he wanted to love her, but that she was completely capable of loving him. She swallowed one huge gulp, dragged in a giant breath, and braced herself to say the words, because if anyone deserved to know, it was Brando.
‘I love you Brando.’
Brando turned her face to his, rubbed a broad thumb across her cheek to catch her tears. ‘You’ve no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.’
‘I’m sorry it took me so long to say it. You’ve made me happy for the first time in years, happier than I’ve been in fact, ever.’ Her voice wavered against his cheek. ‘Now I know I can love you, and it’s alright to love you, I never ever want to leave you, and I’ll do my best to love you forever.’
He pulled her mouth to meet his kiss.
Sweet, rough, strong. Very hot, and long. When he finally broke away, his voice was deliciously ragged against her ear.
‘I love you Shea, I love who you are, and what you do. Your love is more than good enough for me – you’ve already proved that. I already know you’re who I need, who I want to spend my life with. And I bet there’s never been a Lady of the Manor at Edgerton with electric blue toe nails before!’ He tweaked one toe, tapped his temple teasingly against hers. ‘Perhaps you could be the first?’
She felt her face stretch into a smile.
‘ Thank you Brando, that would be amazing and wonderful. So long as you’re sure you understand who you’re taking on, there’s nothing I’d like more.’ She let out a sudden groan as her mind whirled. ‘But I’ve just committed to a three-month contract.’
‘Okay, I’m going to have to come clean on that one.’ He pursed his lips, grimaced as he hesitated. ‘My P.A. booked you for that. I couldn’t bear to think of you being tied up elsewhere, and not being with me, and if all this had backfired, at least I’d have known you were working back at Edgerton, with plenty of excuses to drop in on you. I’m very thorough, and very determined. I had every aspect covered.’ He shot her a smile. ‘Not that I’m wanting you to work, but knowing how you hate having nothing to do, I was hoping you might like to come and sort out the building in London. It’s a converted warehouse with a penthouse flat, a few thousand square feet of bachelor chaos with my offices below, which hasn’t had the benefit of Mrs McCaul’s attention. There should be enough there to keep you going for years! And we can spend time at Edgerton too, obviously. We have such a great time when we’re there together, I’d love for us to live there and have some kids. Now see what you’ve done to the guy who wouldn’t leave London, and thought he could never change.’
‘Awwww, Brando. I do love you, very much.’ She added a hasty afterthought. ‘And not just because you’ve offered me endless amounts of organising to do. I’m not sure that you or Edgerton are ready for children though.’
‘I think we’re about to prove you wrong.’ He shot her a smile that flipped her tummy. Again. ‘One more thing. The reason I came.’ He fumbled in the pocket of his jacket, pulled out a postcard, and flipped it towards her. ‘Apparently Bryony’s Country House Crisis programme has been inundated with enquiries about you taking your talents to other stately homes. I wanted to make sure I got in first, before you had chance to consider the opposition!’
As she looked at the picture on the card her crazily wide smile, broadened further.
‘Awww, Brando! It�
�s Dali’s Mae West lips sofa! He made that sofa for the same patron he made the lobster telephones for. This card matches the one I sent in!’
He nodded at her knowingly, and winked.
‘That’s why I chose it, duh, although I never actually read what you wrote on your card at the time. Bryony tells me you claimed on the card to have no matrimonial aspirations, so I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time at first for you being a husband hunter. Turn it over, and read the message.'
‘Brando Marshall would like to be considered’ A sudden whoosh took her voice away as she read on. For a moment her nose stung horribly, and she bit her lip. Keep calm and carry on. Gulping down the spiky taste of tears she kept going. ‘ … would like to be considered for the position as Shea Summer’s husband … ’ She sent him a wavering smile, as she rubbed a tear from the corner of her eye ‘ … because he’s the only man for the job!’
‘The thing is I’d really like you to marry me, if you’d like to, that is?’ He shot her a wicked grin.
‘Awwwwww Brando!’ She leaned across and grabbed a handful of tissues from the coffee table, and blew her nose loudly. ‘I can’t believe you just asked me to marry you – my hair is all wet, I’m not wearing any knickers, and I’m crying.’
‘No knickers, I can definitely work with, once you’ve answered that is!’ His lips twitched in appreciation, as he raised one questioning, slightly impatient eyebrow. ‘So what do you say .… Shea, will you marry me?’
‘I’d love to, Brando!’ She flashed him a mischievous glance. ‘So long as you’re ready to do as you’re told. You do know how bossy I am when I’m not snivelling, that is.’
‘I damn well do! And right now, after two weeks without you, I’ll pretty much promise to do anything you say, so long as you let me take you to bed right now!’
In one leap, Brando was up, and she felt the room spin as he grasped her in his arms, threw her into the air, and whirled her around.
She let out one shriek of surprise, which happily, he ignored, and then she gave in to the delicious thrill, and pure exuberance of his raw embrace.
