“Real y?” Isabel a asked. “I’ve never heard that before.”
“Wel , I sort of made it up. It’s a theory that I have. But it makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe,” Isabel a said.
“Listen, whatever you decide to do wil be the right thing,” Lauren said.
“How do you know?”
“Because if it wasn’t the right thing, then you wouldn’t choose to do it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Isabel a said.
“Or does it make perfect sense?” Lauren asked.
“Are you drunk?”
“Yeah, I think I am.”
“Good,” Isabel a said. “Me too. Let’s order gril ed cheese.”
“Did you think any more about it?” Harrison asked.
“Yeah,” Isabel a said.
“I real y want you to come with me. I don’t want to be there alone.” He took her hand and waited for her to talk. “Don’t you want to be with me?”
“You’re the one that’s leaving in the first place,” Isabel a said.
“Isabel a, I don’t think you should move to Boston with Harrison unless you two are engaged,” her sister, Mol y, said. She’d cal ed Isabel a just to tel her this. “Mom thinks it too.”
“You know what else Mom thinks?” Isabel a asked. “She thinks your haircut was a mistake. I do too. I don’t think you should get a lesbian haircut unless you are real y ready to make the leap into that lifestyle.”
“I’m trying to help you,” her sister said.
“I’m real y trying to help you too,” Isabel a said. “Do not cut your hair again. I know it wil take years to get it to an acceptable length, but you need to do it. In the meantime, clip a bow in it or something.”
Mary was trying to tel Isabel a a story, but she kept crying. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“It’s okay,” Isabel a said.
“This didn’t happen with Henry,” Mary said. “I think my hormones are permanently damaged. I can’t stop crying.”
“I’m sure you’l be back to normal soon,” Isabel a said. “Now, what happened next?”
“Okay.” Mary took a deep breath. “So I’m at Target, and I’m trying to return the bottles, and the woman at the counter told me that they had a policy that you could only return three things in a month. And so I couldn’t return the baby bottles even though someone gave them to me as a gift and I didn’t need them.” Mary stopped here to blow her nose.
“Okay,” Isabel a said. “Okay. Try not to get too upset.”
“I know, I know. I just told that bitch that we got duplicate presents and she acted like I was trying to shoplift. She kept saying, ‘Ma’am, you need to calm down.’ Like it was my fault.”
“She sounds awful,” Isabel a said.
“She real y was,” Mary said. Her voice wiggled just a little. “Okay, I’m done. Now we need to talk about you and Boston. Do you think you’re going to go?”
“I’m not sure yet. What do you think?”
“Sometimes I wish Ken would be transferred to another state,” Mary said.
“Real y?” Isabel a asked. “You want to move?”
“No, not move. But if Ken was transferred to Boston or something and then he traveled al during the week. That would be nice.”
“Real y?” Isabel a said.
“Yeah, I mean, I could have the remote every night and we’d stil see each other on the weekends. It would just be nice to have some alone time.”
“Wel , you’d stil have the kids,” Isabel a said. “You wouldn’t real y be alone.”
“Right. Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t work.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. Sometimes I’m just tired of having people al around me. Sometimes Ken asks as many questions as Henry. He offered to go to the store yesterday and then he cal ed me three times while he was there. If he doesn’t know what kind of American cheese we buy now, wil he ever?”
“Probably not,” Isabel a said.
“No,” Mary said. “Probably not. It’s exhausting. I’d rather just do it myself. He came home with fat-free American cheese and pepper-smoked turkey. I mean, what is wrong with him?”
“Maybe he just needs practice?” Isabel a said.
Mary shook her head. “No. He’s had practice. He just doesn’t know how to do it. I can already tel in ten years he’l stil be cal ing me from the store to ask if we get pulp-free orange juice or not. He drinks it every morning and he stil doesn’t know!”
“Was he always like that?” Isabel a asked.
“Yeah,” Mary said. “He was. I just never real y thought about the fact that he was going to be like this for the rest of my life.”
“So what are you going to do?” Isabel a asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Wel , are you happy?” Isabel a asked. She didn’t know if this was the right thing to ask, or if she was even al owed to.
“Yeah,” Mary said. “When I think about it, he might real y bug me but I like having him around more than I don’t like having him around.”
“So if he took a job in Boston?”
“Yeah, I know. I was just talking. I wouldn’t real y like it, I know. Sometimes it’s nice to dream. But I know it’s not what I real y want. I like the bastard.”
“That’s good.” Isabel a let out a breath. She had been worried that Mary was going to tel her she was leaving Ken.
“I guess that’s how you decide about Harrison and Boston,” Mary said. “If you like him enough not to be away from him.”
“Yeah,” Isabel a said. “I guess so.”
“But you know what?” Mary asked.
“What?”
“I’m going to start writing out the most detailed grocery lists ever for Ken. And if he comes home with the wrong stuff, I’m going to send him back out.”
“That sounds like a plan,” Isabel a said.
“It real y does.”
“Sometimes things in life aren’t easy,” her mom said. “Sometimes you have to make real y hard choices.”
“I know,” Isabel a said. “But some people don’t. Some people don’t have to make decisions like this at al .”
“And some people in this world are starving, Isabel a. Life isn’t fair.”
“I know,” Isabel a said. “But that seems unfair.”
“You can’t move,” Lauren said. “You’re my last babyless friend. If you go, I’m going to have to start going to Mommy and Me just to see people.”
“I don’t think you would like that class,” Isabel a said.
“Yeah,” Lauren said. “Not to mention it might raise red flags if I go without a baby.”
“Probably.”
“So, you’re real y going?”
“Yeah,” Isabel a said. “I guess I am.”
“I feel like that’s a real y adult decision to make,” Lauren said.
“Real y?” Isabel a said. “Because I feel like I’m fourteen.”
“Join the club.”
“What about the second apartment we saw?” Harrison asked. “The one that was in the Cleveland Circle area. It had the real y big closets.”
“I’m not sure I real y liked that one,” Isabel a said.
“Why?”
“It’s in Boston.”
“Right,” Harrison said. “I forgot about that.”
“I think you need to network more,” Harrison told her. She stil didn’t have a job in Boston. It didn’t bother her that much. If she didn’t have a job, she could pretend that she wasn’t real y moving there.
“I think you need to network more,” Isabel a said. Harrison sighed.
“I’m serious, Isabel a. It’s not a good time to get a job. You real y need to get out there and pound the pavement.”
“Pound the pavement? Could you sound more like my seventy-year-old father if you tried?”
“I’m just trying to help.”
“Wel , you aren’t.”
“It seems like you don’t real y want to find a job,” Harrison said.
“What are you worried about? That I’m not going to be able to pay rent? Calm down, I got it covered.”
“It’s not that,” Harrison said.
“Then what? What?”
“Nothing,” Harrison said. “Forget it.”
“I’m not going to forget it. You know, I’m only moving there because of you.”
“I know,” Harrison said. He walked out of the room and left Isabel a lying on the bed. Two hours later he came back. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Good,” Isabel a said.
“I don’t care if you have a job or not,” Harrison said. “I just want you to be happy and find something there that you like.”
“I know,” Isabel a said. “I know.”
“Are you sure you want to go?”
“Yeah,” Isabel a said. “I’m sure.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’d rather have you here than not here,” Isabel a said.
“That sounds pretty simple,” Harrison said.
“I think it is.”
“The only pil in the pot,” her mom said, “is that you’ve never driven a U-Haul before.”
“The pil in the pot?” Isabel a asked.
“Isabel a,” her mom said. “Don’t be difficult.”
“Wel , anyway, I’m not driving it. Harrison’s going to. He’s the pil in the pot.”
“No,” her mom said. “I meant that the rest of your moving plan sounds good, but that the drive wil be difficult.”
“Maybe the worm should take the pil ,” Isabel a said. “Then there won’t be a pil in the pot.”
Her mom sighed. “Isabel a, I think you’re the pil in the pot.”
“People on the subway that stand too close,” Harrison said. “Put it on the list.” He threw the boxes on the floor and the dog jumped.
Isabel a got up and went to the refrigerator, where they had hung a running list of things that they hated about New York. It was supposed to make them feel better about leaving. So far, they had rats, cockroaches, huge puddles that you have to leap over, people walking with umbrel as that hit you, Duane Reade pharmacy workers, and now people on the subway that stand too close.
“Oh, and how about people on the subway that let their leg rest against yours and then when you move over, they move closer?” Isabel a asked.
“Isn’t that the same thing?” Harrison asked.
“No way,” Isabel a said. Harrison nodded.
“Put it on the list,” he said.
“I can real y have your couch?” Lauren asked. She was holding Mary’s new baby. She and Isabel a had been passing her back and forth al night and drinking wine. Mary just sat on the couch and watched. She didn’t even seem worried that every time they passed her to one another, they said,
“Don’t drop her.”
“Yeah,” Isabel a said. “You can have it. I don’t think it wil look right in the new apartment.”
“Why didn’t you offer me the couch?” Mary asked.
“You have a baby,” Lauren said. “You don’t need a couch.”
“Yeah,” Isabel a said. “That’s why.”
“Why is there so much crap in this apartment?” Isabel a asked. “Do we never throw anything away?”
Every drawer they opened was ful of garbage. Every shelf was crammed ful of clothes they never wore.
“We’re pigs,” Isabel a said. “We are pig people.” She held up an old sweater of Harrison’s that had a neon sort of print on it. “Harrison?” she asked. “What is this?”
Harrison shrugged. “A sweater.”
“Yes,” Isabel a said. “I realize that. But why do you have one of Bil Cosby’s sweaters?” Harrison grabbed it away from her and put it in a garbage bag of give-away clothes.
“It’s old,” he said.
“Please put it on,” Isabel a said. Harrison sighed and took it out of the bag and pul ed it over his head. He was very wil ing to appease her these days. It was cropped and boxy, with a pattern that resembled a lightning bolt. Isabel a bent over laughing until her knees buckled and she sat right down on the floor.
“Oh, you like that?” Harrison asked. He took it off and started swinging it at her. She gasped for air. “Don’t mess with the sweater, Isabel a!” He swung it around and around, hitting her on her butt while she laughed.
“You know what?” Harrison said. “Just for that, I’m keeping it.” He folded it and put it on top of a pile on the couch. Isabel a lay on her back and wiped her eyes.
“No,” she said. “Don’t punish yourself just to get back at me.”
“Punish myself?” he asked. “I’m only going to wear it when we’re together. And then I’m going to hold your hand, so everyone knows we are a couple.”
“That should help us make a lot of new friends in Boston.”
“That’s my plan,” Harrison said.
“I’m worried that Winston isn’t going to adjust wel to the move,” Isabel a said. When she said his name, the dog tilted his head and looked at her.
“I’m sure he’l be fine,” Harrison said. “You worry too much about that dog.”
“He has his friends at the dog park here, and he’s comfortable here. He might hate Boston.”
“Do you think you’re projecting just a little bit?” Harrison asked.
“No,” Isabel a said. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Why do you stil have this?” Mary asked. She held an unopened bottle of tequila that Isabel a had gotten in Mexico during spring break of their junior year.
“I just never threw it out,” Isabel a said. “I kept moving it from place to place, but it seems ridiculous to bring it to Boston.”
“Your apartment is real y depressing with al of the stuff gone,” Lauren said, looking around. “I can’t believe you guys are sleeping on air mattresses tonight.”
“Me neither,” Isabel a said. They al sat in a circle on the floor of the empty apartment, with the bottle of tequila in the middle of them.
Mary looked closely at the bottle. “Do you think the worm is fake? Wouldn’t it have decomposed by now?”
“Alcohol keeps things fresh,” Lauren said.
“Is that why you’re stil so young-looking?” Isabel a asked her. Lauren swatted her butt and Isabel a shrieked and scooted forward. “Come on, you guys,” she said. “I think we should drink it. I’m not packing it. It wil be fun.”
“I’m pretty sure if we drink that, we’l die,” Mary said.
“Oh my God. Is that your plan? Do you want to kil us al so that you don’t have to move to Boston?” Lauren asked.
“You clever little bitch,” Mary said. “It wil look like a mass suicide.”
“You two are complete freaks,” Isabel a said. “You know that?”
“Look who’s talking,” Lauren said.
“Here,” said Isabel a. “I saved some random shot glasses just for the tequila. Come on, you guys, I’m moving tomorrow. Let’s just drink a little of it.
Here, I’l put the phone right here so that we can cal 911 if it’s poison.”
“Fine, fine,” Lauren said. “Let’s do this.”
They took the first shot, and Mary held the empty glass and sniffed it. “Can you imagine,” she said, “if my children had to go motherless because I died of bad tequila?”
“I think what would be more disturbing is if Ava found out that you named her Gertrude for three days before changing it,” Lauren said.
“She didn’t look like an Ava until we got her home,” Mary said. “I told you that.”
“Right,” Isabel a said. “Little Gertie wil total y understand that.”
“Let’s do another shot to little Gertie,” Lauren said. She poured more of the tequila into the glasses.
“Fine,” Mary said. “But stop cal ing her Gertie. It real y freaks me out that I named her that.”
Lauren picked up the bottle
and swirled it around so that the worm swam in the tequila. “You know,” she said, “this was real y my bottle of tequila.”
“I know,” Isabel a said. “I remember.”
Their third night in Mexico, the three of them had fal en asleep on the beach and woke up with uneven streaks of sunburn and sand in their mouths. For two days, Mary lay on the hotel bed, moaning and covered in aloe. Isabel a stayed with her, burned and nauseous, refusing to go out until her streaks had faded just a little bit. Lauren’s burn turned quickly to a tan, and she resumed her spring break the next night, winning a bikini contest at the hotel bar. She came into the room that night wearing several strands of beads and carrying the tequila with the worm on the bottom.
“Look what I won!” she yel ed and jumped up and down on the bed until Isabel a threw up. Lauren apologized and gave her the tequila to make up for it.
“I can’t believe you entered a bikini contest,” Mary said from her spot on the bed. Her face was covered with a wet washcloth and her skin was tinted green from the aloe.
Lauren stood up and put her hands on her hips. “I’m an adult,” she said. “I can do whatever I want. I’m a grown woman.”
Slowly, Mary removed the washcloth from her face and whipped it at Lauren. “You are the drunkest grown woman I’ve ever seen,” she said.
For years, whenever one of them went on a rant about anything, one of the others would say, “You tel them. You are a grown woman!”
Isabel a poured three more shots. “To grown women,” she said, holding up her glass. She realized that it wasn’t as funny anymore. Maybe it didn’t always seem true, but they were no longer sunburned in Mexico. Somehow, in the past ten years they’d gotten from there to here.
They al took the shot. Mary stretched out her legs in front of her, and Lauren leaned back on her palms. “I think that Mark and I might get married,”
Lauren said. “We were talking about it the other day. We might go down to city hal and just do it.”
“Are you pregnant?” Isabel a asked her.
“Yes, Isabel a. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant, and so I decided to come drink a bottle of poisoned tequila with you and announce it.”
“What?” Mary asked.
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