I turned my head towards the door, right as it opened with a bang.
Dorje thrust his head past the opening, his dark eyes wide in his round face. He gripped the frame, white-knuckled, looking between us.
“Bridge,” he said. “Bridge...please. You need to come with me.”
“What happened?” I said, taking in his expression.
“Just come with me, Bridge...message for you...”
“Message?” I said. I looked at Vash, raising an eyebrow. “What kind of message?”
Dorje exhaled. “From him. Syrimne. He wrote you a letter, Allie...”
“He did what?” I had a sudden, inappropriate desire to laugh.
“Allie,” Dorje said, his face pale and serious. “He had it delivered here.”
I FOLLOWED DORJE down the long corridor, fighting my way through the profusion of thoughts that tried to push their way to the forefront of my mind.
Revik had written me a letter? More to the point, he had it sent to me, on foot, by some poor human kid who nearly got shot for his troubles.
According to Dorje, the kid had a map with him. He’d knocked on the back door to wherever we were, which Dorje seemed to think was more than a little disturbing in and of itself. Apparently, our location wasn’t meant to be all that accessible, even in the physical.
“We’ll be leaving, right?” I said, jogging to keep up.
“Balidor is already packing.”
“What about Vash?” I looked back over my shoulder, at the monk’s cell we’d left behind a few corridors back. “Are there people on him? Protecting his light? Right now, I mean...?”
“Balidor just ordered another infiltrator—”
“Make it two,” I cut in.
“Yes, Esteemed Bridge.”
We turned a corner in the twisting catacombs of bookshelves, and tables covered with statues, jars of bones and colored stones, parchments, maps, tapestries of every shape and condition along with prayer rugs and other ritual instruments. Some of the last sat in piles along the floor, but most of it seemed to be stacked and crammed in deep stone alcoves inside the walls. I passed by Terian’s cell without so much as looking inside.
We rounded a last corner and I found myself nearly walking into Balidor, who stood with Cass, Jon, Illeg and Tenzin at the end of the hall.
Balidor held in his hand what looked like a rolled up piece of paper, almost like one of the parchments in the room I’d just left.
They all turned to stare at me.
Balidor was the first to speak.
“He found us, Alyson,” he said. “I am sorry.”
He held out the parchment towards me.
I stared at it, then up at his face. Looking around behind me at a flurry of activity in the corners of my eyes, I realized that most of the seers were already occupied with pulling together our meager belongings. I knew that in under an hour, they’d likely be dragging them and me upstairs to throw in the back of the trucks hidden in the trees and covered in camo nets outside.
I returned my gaze to Balidor’s face.
“Read it,” I said. “Out loud.”
“Allie,” Balidor said. “I do not think—”
“Just read it, ‘Dori,” I said. “He’s obviously trying to make some sort of statement, so I doubt the contents are a profession of his love.” I swallowed, glancing around at the others, then gestured with one hand. “...Since all of our lives are at stake now, it’s only fair that everyone hear what he has to say.”
Balidor hesitated another moment.
Then, with a sigh, he lowered his hand.
Untying the leather thong around the note, he unrolled the paper inside.
“Dearest Alyson...” he began.
Balidor stopped, looking up at me, his eyes showing his discomfort.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Cass said, snatching it out of his hand. Unfurling the same piece of paper, she immediately began to read.
“Dearest Alyson...” she read, clearing her throat.
She read in a slightly raised voice, speaking slowly. Still, I could hear him through the words, almost as if he were standing in the room.
“...Please bear with me as you read this...as I attempt to express to you what I feel. I know I have only managed this clumsily in the past, when I’ve managed it at all. I can only hope you hear me in this, this time above all others, Allie...past whatever I always manage to express wrongly or poorly no matter how hard I try...
“I find I am in a very uncomfortable position with you, yet again...and, frankly, well out of my depth, in terms of my ability to handle the situation gracefully. But I need to try, Allie. I can’t express to you how badly I want you to try, too...to hear me, at least, past whatever prejudice you might have brought with you to the reading of this...”
Jon made an irritated sound, exchanging a look with Dorje.
“What the hell is he doing?” he asked me. “That doesn’t even sound like him. Is it some kind of joke?”
But Jon had never read any of Revik’s writing before. I had.
“It’s him, Jon,” I said, giving Balidor a bare glance. “Please...” I gestured at Cass. “Continue.”
Cass barely paused before going on.
“...Since I have known you, I have found it difficult to express to you how I feel about us...and about you, even apart from who you are to me.
“You might think this is because I am unwilling, Allie...or perhaps because I am unable to tell you these things. In any case, you have expressed to me, more than once, that I have put you in the uncomfortable position of having to guess how I might feel...and as a result, also in a position of near-constant insecurity between us...”
I felt my jaw harden, in spite of myself, as I remembered some of the conversations he was referencing.
But I didn’t miss any of the words that followed.
“...I had hoped this might change, after our time together at that cabin in the mountains.
“I tried Allie...I really tried to show you how I felt. I know you likely feel cheated in that respect, too, in that you were forced to deal with a new version of your husband not long after...and likely before you had a chance to adjust to the one who finally had the courage to open to you...
“Allie, I need you to hear me on this. I love you...”
Cass trailed, her face reddening as she looked up from the note. Feeling my own face warm, I motioned her forward.
“Keep going,” I said, my voice short. “Finish it.”
Nodding, Cass cleared her throat.
“...I love you...more than I can express in words, or even with my light. More than I’ve ever been able to show you or make you understand. More than I’ve ever loved anyone, Allie.
“I can say that now in utter honesty, as there is nothing of my life I don’t remember now...and nothing I would hide from you, if you wished for proof of my words. I loved you before I knew you in the flesh...I sought you in the Barrier for longer than you can imagine.
“This isn’t some prophecy to me, Allie...it’s my life. I am sending this letter in advance of myself in the hopes that we can deescalate these problems between us...”
I glanced at Balidor, but the Adhipan leader wouldn’t return my gaze. Tightening my arms around my chest, I forced myself to continue listening.
“I also wish to explain how completely unprepared I was for what you said to me in that parking lot in Delhi...and to apologize for my response. I know you know this about me, but I need you to see that I know it, too...it is my way to throw aggression at things that terrify me.
“I don’t think I’ve ever let myself contemplate what I might do if you fell out of love with me, Allie. That night, it felt very much like you had.
“I still can’t think about this with any semblance of reason...I have no idea what I will do if that proves to be the case. But if you wished for me to pay attention, to take your concerns about me and the future of our marriage seriously...it worked. I am paying attention, wife. In fa
ct, I am nearly out of my head with fear about this...”
I felt my jaw harden. I didn’t look up when I felt the others staring at me, especially Jon and Balidor.
Cass continued to read, her voice clear.
“...What I should have said is this...maybe you can live without me, Allie, but be assured...I cannot live without you.”
Pain whispered through my light, before I could stop it, or even hide it from the others. I felt it through the collar, strong enough that Balidor’s eyes shifted to mine. I swallowed, avoiding his gaze, tightening my arms around my body.
“...After being with someone who feels so much a part of me, I am not willing to go back to ‘sleeping with prostitutes,’ as you so blithely suggested. I know I deserved that, too...but I don’t know how to tell you more plainly that such things do not interest me in the slightest. For now, I’ll add only this...I have no intention of breaking the vows we made to one another at that cabin...not as long as there’s even a shadow of hope between us...
“Allie, there is something else you should know. I know where you are. I was in that basement under the Old House tonight...”
Stopping abruptly, Cass glanced up, blanching a little. I saw the rest of the group trade glances with one another, too. It took me a moment to pull my head together enough to do the same.
When I looked over at Balidor, I saw that he had paled.
“Go on, Cass,” I said, quiet.
Clearing her throat, Cass began reading once more.
“...I saw that the Adhipan have you collared. I’m sure that’s to keep you from me...or, more accurately...to keep me from you. I know you likely agreed to this in the hopes that you could better protect your people, Allie.
“I respect that, wife...I respect that very much. Even so, I cannot tell you how it made me feel that you would go to such lengths, just to avoid my light...”
I swallowed, still avoiding the eyes of the others.
“...I also saw that you’ve got Vash with you...”
Cass glanced at me, her voice tensing.
Once again, I felt Balidor react, his eyes flickering to mine.
Cass only stumbled a little that time, though, still reading in that steady, clear voice.
“...I could have killed him, Allie...I didn’t. I don’t want to take him from you, and I don’t want to take that choice from you, either. That being said, I can’t just let you walk away, my love. I can’t...not until I’ve had some chance to try and fix things between us.
“I know you will likely find that statement coercive...possibly even threatening...given the way you’ve reacted to me of late. So I’m asking you, Allie, one more time. Please come to me. Please come to me willingly, so I don’t have to do this out of desperation. Try to get to know who I’ve become, what I’m trying to do. Give me just six months, as my wife...
“...To this end, I will compromise in any way I can, if it will convince you how serious I am about this. I will suspend all ops until that time is passed...I will conduct only those which meet with your explicit approval as to targets and means. I will give you anything you ask, Allie. Anything. If you will just give me this one thing...
“Further, if you agree to this for the six months, I will accede to your wishes after, as well. Therefore...if at that time, you still want to sever us...I will do whatever I can to aid you to that end...
“Make no mistake, wife. It will break my heart. It will...possibly beyond what I can recover from. But I won’t stand in your way. You have my word on this, Alyson...”
Cass swallowed, looking at me. “...I adore you,” she finished, reading the end of the letter. “...Revik.”
When she stopped speaking, the room fell utterly silent.
I fought to swallow, looking around at faces in the dim space. I realized suddenly that the whole construct had heard Cass reading the note, and that all of the activity had stopped in the other rooms, where they had been furiously packing up our belongings to throw in the waiting trucks.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“We’re under the Mansion?” I managed. “In Seertown?” I glanced around at all of them. “You said South America.”
Balidor stared at me. “Alyson. For the gods’ sake...”
But I was looking at something else now, something Jon was picking up from the stone steps beneath the door that led outside.
It was the largest bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen.
12
UNDONE
WE DIDN’T HAVE much time.
Hell, we’d already stretched what little we had past where it was probably wise.
Meanwhile, I sat on the stone steps under the door to the gardens, holding my head in my hands as I fought to think past the pounding behind my eyes. I hadn’t had even a few seconds’ peace since the letter had arrived on our doorstep.
The trucks were already loaded.
Everything but Feigran, that is...and the rest of us.
Balidor’s words came out harsh, holding not a trace of compromise.
“I will hear nothing more about this!” he said. “Nothing, Alyson!”
I squeezed my temples harder.
Doubt filled me, a near fear. But I heard his words, too.
“Alyson!” he said. “You cannot be seriously contemplating this!”
“You heard what it said.” I worked to keep my voice patient. I looked around at the rest of them, exasperated, but no one seemed to want to get in between the Adhipan leader and me.
“...He said he’d suspend ops, ‘Dor,” I said, looking at him. “For six months! That’s hardly something we can just ignore...”
“In payment for services rendered,” Balidor growled.
“Nice,” I said, shaking my head. “Really nice, Balidor.”
“I heard the note, Allie,” he said, his voice biting. “We all did. Sounds like you made quite an impression in Delhi...I think he’d go even higher if you negotiated. Maybe you should try bargaining with him...”
I stared at him, taken aback by the look on his face. When his eyes continued to blaze at me, I shrugged with one hand, averting my gaze.
“Jesus, ‘Dor,” I said. “You don’t have to be a dick about it. Wouldn’t it be better if we could negotiate some kind of treaty with him and the rest of the rebels? I could do that better from the inside—”
“A treaty?” Balidor said, still incredulous. “Alyson, listen to yourself! Listen to what you are contemplating! What do you think he will try to do in six months? Beyond spending every waking moment solidifying the bond between you, he will be attempting to indoctrinate you...using every means at his disposal! You will not see a clear, objective outline of his intentions...”
“I’m not a fool, ‘Dori...I know that.”
“You are a fool with him, Allie,” Balidor said. “I have seen it! Further,” he said, holding up a hand. “...it’s not even your fault. It is a matter of your relationship to him. You cannot help yourself...”
I gave him a flat look. “Really? That’s your argument? We shouldn’t even consider a viable offer because I won’t be able to control myself? Come on, ‘Dor. That’s pretty weak.”
“It is biological fact, Alyson...”
I shook my head. “Vash,” I said. “Vash has this theory—”
“Yes,” Balidor said. “I too have heard this theory, Alyson. From an infiltrator’s perspective, let me tell you, it is shaky as hell at best...” His jaw hardened. “This is your only window, Allie. Do you understand? The only one! At this point, you’ve still only bonded with the parts of his personality that are relatively harmless. He will...”
Balidor swallowed, motioning towards my body.
“...Go out of his way to be persuasive, Alyson. You will not be able to fight that effectively, not given your status with him. It is why he promises so easily that he will help you sever things after...he knows damned well that after he’s spent six months tying himself to you, severance will be nigh to impossible! I noticed a d
ifference in your light after you spent a few hours with him in Delhi...”
For a moment I just sat there.
I tried to remind myself that there was no way Balidor could be objective about this. He’d fought Revik back in World War I. He’d lost dozens of his men to him, trying to hunt him down with the humans.
If he was in some nightmare flashback around all that, I couldn’t exactly blame him.
“Allie!” he said. “Are you listening to me?”
It occurred to me I still clutched Revik’s note in my hand. The flowers sat at the foot of the stairs. A part of me still couldn’t believe what he’d written, and yet it had sounded so much like him, from the words he’d chosen to the formality of the cadence...I didn’t for a second doubt that it had been him.
The flowers just made it that much more surreal.
I tried to do as Balidor said. I tried to think objectively about my options. As far as I could tell, I now had two. I could do as Revik asked and give him the six months, or I could spend the next however-long period of time running from him while Vash tried to sever us...and potentially failed.
Or killed us.
I could feel the part of me that the note pulled. I knew I wasn’t being totally objective about it, that a part of me wanted to go because of that pull, just like Balidor said. I also felt the hope that had risen in me from what Vash had said, and I knew I couldn’t trust that, either. And yet, I couldn’t help but feel that the two things pointed a pretty clear direction.
Allie's War Season Two Page 16
