The only part of the face he’d finished were the eyes. They looked sad.
My throat closed as I stared at it. Then I noticed something else, like a shadow out the window of the car. The beginnings of a face that might have been Voi Pai’s hung there, as if looking over Revik and me. Even as I thought it, Feigran fingered the pages, flipping them absently with one hand, still holding his other over his eyes.
Revik just sat there, silent.
I felt it though, with my light. He exuded calm, a kind of warmth-filled peace. It filled the cell below, softening the grief that lived around Feigran.
Understanding lived there...and forgiveness.
He was creating a space for Feigran to remember, I realized...giving him the sense of safety he needed to let down his defenses. The subtlety of the cloud shocked me a little. Woven through it, I distinctly tasted qualities of him...the real him, the Revik I knew. I felt the genuineness behind it, the warmth of his compassion.
Feigran’s hands pulled nervously at the book, flipping pages.
He passed more diagrams, scribbles, sketches. I saw him flip to another drawing then...and stop. Looking down at it, Feigran stared, as if he’d never seen it before.
I turned my head, fighting to bring sense to the image, too. Making out the dark and light lines, I suddenly understood what I was seeing.
My heart caught in my throat.
I saw Garensche look at me, and realized he had seen what the drawing depicted, as well. He frowned at me, right before he crossed his arms across his thick chest. I saw him wanting to ask me, but he didn’t.
I barely noticed. I stared at the image of Balidor and me on the pad, recognized the cell-like room where I’d slept under the Old House in Seertown. Staring at the detailed lines, I could barely acknowledge them as real. Feigran hadn’t pulled any punches. We were both naked, and from the looks on our faces, not far from a pivotal moment, our limbs wrapped around one another. I saw a scar on Balidor’s upper arm I remembered, and the flaming mark of the Adhipan he wore like a badge on his left shoulder. My fingers clutched his back and one of his arms, but it was the look on Balidor’s face that brought the sickness back in a wave...
It was more than desire. He looked at me like he loved me.
I stared at it, feeling faintly ill.
Then I was looking at Revik, seeing him frown down at the same image on the pad.
He didn’t look shocked, or even surprised. I didn’t see anger in his eyes. Instead, he averted his gaze, wiping his face with the back of one hand. On the same hand, he wore my father’s ring.
“Turn the page, brother,” he said to Terian.
He wouldn’t look at the drawing now.
“I’m sorry...Nenzi...”
“It’s all right. Turn the page. Please, brother.”
The seer pulled at the thick pages with his fingers. He grasped the one on top, turning it over so that the drawing wasn’t visible.
“Thank you,” Revik said quietly.
“I tried to help you...” he muttered. “I tried to convince her. She wasn’t ready, Nenzi...it’s not your fault...”
Revik nodded, but the other look didn’t leave his expression.
I must have gotten too close with my light.
Abruptly, Revik turned his head.
He stared straight at us in the control room. The mask fell over his face, causing me to recede into the back of my chair.
“Is someone there?” he said.
Looking at Garensche, I saw him studying my face.
Gesturing a negative with my hand, I asked him not to answer. Feeling my chest tighten at the doubt in his eyes, I mouthed the word ‘no’ at him.
He sighed. Giving me a grim look, he signaled that he had no choice.
Realizing he was right, I nodded reluctantly. I felt my eyes returning to the cell below.
Garensche hit a button on the panel. “Your wife was curious, sir.”
“Get her out of here,” he said.
I flinched. I didn’t hear anger in his voice. What vibrated his words felt like something else, that same thing I’d seen in him in the car.
“Sir...I apologize. I didn’t see the harm.”
“Now, please.”
I stood up before the other seer could answer him.
Without a word, I walked to the organic door and waited. Garensche joined me after he’d heaved his bulk out of the chair. While he placed his palm on the panel to unlock the door, I looked back in spite of myself, flinching a little when I saw Revik’s eyes still aimed towards the observation window.
He was still staring up when I looked away.
I HAD ALREADY decided I wouldn’t go out that night...that I’d stay in the room with the big bed and the view to the cliffs. I didn’t even go to the dining room for dinner. I knew I could get food brought to me where I was, if I got hungry. So far, that hadn’t been an issue.
I didn’t want to see him, not until I had some idea of what I would say. I knew I was avoiding. I knew how ridiculous it was, on a level, to be so afraid of facing him. He’d already made it clear he wouldn’t do anything to me.
I sat on the dark leather couch that formed a long window seat, wrapping my arms around myself and staring through the long portal to the sky.
My room, though technically underground, lay in the part of the compound that stood in the face of a cliff. Therefore, through the reinforced organic pane, I had a panoramic view overlooking the same valley that could be seen from the restaurant a few stories above. That view included a nearly eye-level vantage of a tall, snowmelt waterfall, in addition to the long spread of jagged, finger-like cliffs...and, further in the distance, a greener valley below.
It was a view most five-star hotels would kill for, even without the horizon of snow-capped mountains in the distance, now visible in the fading light of an indigo sky. I watched the stars come out one by one, fighting to feel past the deadened weight in my chest.
I wondered again what I was doing there.
Gripping a cushion in my arms, I sat with my legs curled under me, unmoving as the world darkened outside the organic pane, and the underground room along with it. I didn’t get up to turn on a light. I didn’t move as I watched the moon rise up over the mountains.
Somewhere in that, I laid my head on the back of the couch.
I woke some time later...unsure at first where I was.
As memory slid back into my awareness, I shifted on the couch, stretching my limbs one by one and opening my eyes. My legs had numbed where they folded under me. I’d just begun to stretch them out, wincing as the circulation returned slowly to the joints when I realized I wasn’t alone.
Seeing him there, I jumped...then recoiled into the padded armrest. I stared at the outline across from me, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.
He didn’t look at me.
He sat perfectly still, staring out over the same view I’d fallen asleep looking at. Following his eyes through the transparent wall, I noted that the moon was high in the sky, indicating that at least an hour had passed since I last remembered seeing it.
I wondered how much of that time he’d been sitting there.
I looked at him again, and found him watching me. His eyes glowed a faint, pale green in the dark, making the outline of his face more visible than it would have been in the moonlight alone. Remembering the boy briefly, I felt my heart clench in my chest.
I wondered if he would talk to me.
Even as I thought it, he averted his gaze, looking back at the valley. His voice was low, almost soft, but it felt loud in the silent room.
“I wasn’t going to say anything.” He looked at me again. “I wasn’t going to, Allie.”
I swallowed, unable to take my eyes off his face. But I didn’t want to dance around it either.
“Why not?” I said.
He rubbed his eyes. His fingers looked pale against the darkness of his shirt. I saw the ring he wore again, flashing briefly in some unseen light source.
Somehow, it brought the emotion up again. I tried not to think about the cabin, about everything that happened before D.C., but I couldn’t quite shove it from my mind. If he didn’t look so exactly the same—
“Allie,” he said, his voice softer. “Can I ask you something about this? Please.”
I felt my chest tighten at the pain in his voice. His accent came out stronger...strong enough that I had trouble hearing the words at first in English. I wanted to say something...anything.
I only nodded, watching him stare out over that valley.
“Sure,” I said.
When he turned his head, I saw tears in his eyes. The emotion there made me flinch. Staring at him, I gripped the armrests, silent as he wiped his face.
I could feel it now. All around me.
“Revik...” I whispered. “Gods, baby...please don’t...”
His voice came out distant.
“When he shot you,” he said, clearing his throat. “...When he put us...through that. Did he do it so the two of you could be together?”
My throat closed tighter. For a long moment, I couldn’t speak. I could only look at him, taking in his face as I realized where his mind had gone with this. Then I was fighting tears, averting my gaze. After another breath, I shook my head.
“No.”
“Did you know he would do it? Shoot you?”
I shook my head again, my voice a whisper. “No.”
I saw him frown, then turn, staring out the window. I opened my light, tentative.
“Revik, you can just read me, if—”
“No.” He waved a hand, looking at me. “No, Allie. I don’t want to do that.”
Realizing what he meant, I winced, receding deeper into the couch. I wanted to tell him that wasn’t what I intended, that I didn’t mean for him to read me for the sex, just the truth, but I couldn’t get the words out.
“Was it revenge?” he said.
“No,” I said.
“Do you love him?” He turned, staring at me again.
I saw the restraint there again, the distance, but I only shook my head.
“No. He’s a friend.”
Seeing Revik’s face harden to a mask, I felt my light recoil again. Taking a breath, I sat up so I was kneeling on the couch. I wanted to reach for him, but I felt him holding me off with his light...so tangibly, it was almost physical.
“Revik,” I said. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about this...”
He didn’t look at me. I took another breath.
“This might not matter to you, but...” I cleared my throat. “...but it was only one night. After Delhi, I just needed to know...” I clasped my hands tighter in my lap, still watching his face. “...I needed to know I could. If that makes sense. I really thought things were over with us. After Delhi...”
He frowned. For a moment, I saw him thinking about this.
“One night,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Not a single time after that?”
“No...I promise.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Are you going to tell me why? What changed, Allie?” He looked at me.
Again, I flinched at the expression there. But I held his gaze.
“Changed?” I said. “What do you mean?”
His jaw hardened. “He’s over 400 years old...I’ll skip the preliminaries and assume the sex was good. Why only the one time?” He gestured with one hand, his voice cold, still so distant I barely recognized it, even with the accent. “Why not more?”
Fighting back my reaction, I shrugged. “You mean why didn’t we do it again? I don’t know...”
“Yes,” he said, looking at me. “You do. What was it?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
Feeling his anger spark out, even muted by the shield, I added,
“...Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system. Maybe I realized I couldn’t be without you...that it wouldn’t work...”
“Bullshit,” he growled.
I flinched, but his eyes didn’t waver.
Clicking to myself, I looked at my hands. “Revik...”
“What aren’t you telling me, Alyson?”
I felt my jaw harden. Forcing myself to think, to not answer until I had, I sighed finally, meeting his gaze.
“I care about him,” I said. I forced myself to hold his gaze. “It was...different with him. Different than I thought it would be. Maybe I was afraid it would turn into something. If we did it again, I mean...”
I felt his light flare in reaction. His whole body went deathly still. Then he was gripping his own hair, holding his head. For a long moment, he seemed to be fighting to speak.
“Gods, Alyson,” he managed. “You said you didn’t love him.” Pain flickered in his voice. I felt him fighting to remain silent.
“Revik...I don’t. I don’t love him. You can’t possibly think—”
“Fuck you.” His voice hitched, and for the first time, I heard what lay under it. For a long moment I didn’t move, watching as he regained control over his light, charting the changes almost tangibly through his aleimi. Pain rippled through me again, until I could barely look at him. I couldn’t even tell whose it was.
“Revik...maybe we shouldn’t do this...”
“I won’t hurt you, Allie...”
“That’s not what I meant!” I saw him struggling to control it again, and bit my tongue, fighting to remain where I was, to not touch him. It was harder than I ever thought it could be. He sat there, holding his head, unmoving as he slowly dimmed and pulled back his light.
“Was it the bond?” he said. “Is that what changed your mind? Being trapped with me?”
“No!” I said. “...and I don’t love him, Revik...not like that.”
“You just don’t love me.”
Before I could think about what he said, my whole body hurt. “I do love you,” I said, almost a whisper. “Gods, Revik...so much...”
As I said it, I realized how true it was. I was clutching my own chest then, fighting to breathe.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby...”
He shook his head, gripping his hair tighter. Feeling his light pull away from mine, I fought to bring us back somehow...to think. At the same time, I knew now...I needed to be honest.
“...I really don’t know what changed. I never meant for it to be anything, Revik...”
“Just to hurt me?” he said.
I shook my head, but I was having trouble looking at him. “...I only wanted to break things off with you...not to hurt you.”
He gave a thick laugh, and I bit my lip.
“You know what I mean...” I fought my voice steady. “Revik...I felt differently before he shot me. I felt different right after that night he and I were together. That’s why I didn’t do it again...not because I felt trapped. I just didn’t want to be with someone else like that. It felt wrong. Maybe I’m just lousy at casual sex...”
Seeing Revik wince again, gripping his hair tighter, I bit my lip.
“Then you sent that letter...” I said.
There was a silence.
He made a harsh noise. He raised his head, looking back out the window.
“That fucking letter,” he said. “He must have loved that.” He looked at me, his eyes cold. “You wanted him to read it aloud. Was that just random cruelty? Or was there a message there, too? Something I missed...?”
“I didn’t know what was in it!” I said, frustrated again. “You had it delivered to our front door...like some kind of taunt about where we were! I didn’t know about the flowers...I hadn’t even seen them. I just assumed it would be a threat of some kind...”
“A threat?” he said, anger creeping into his voice. “You thought I’d be threatening you? You’re my wife, Allie...”
“Yeah,” I said, biting my lip with a shrug. “And husbands have never been known to kill or threaten their wives...”
“I’m not a fucking human!” he snapped. �
��...I told you I wouldn’t. I told you I’d never lay a hand on you, Allie. You know that about me...I’ve been clear...”
“Yeah,” I said. “And I’d just slept with someone else...for the first time in our marriage...”
“I didn’t know!”
“I assumed you did...”
“Why didn’t I know, Allie?” His eyes met mine and I flinched at the pain there, even as his jaw hardened. “Was that Balidor’s doing? Or did you do that to me? Keep me out so you could be alone with him...? You couldn’t even include me in your goddamned infidelity...?”
I shook my head, fighting to control my voice.
“I assumed you did know,” I said. “I figured that was the reason for the letter. I assumed you were angry...like you’re angry now...”
“I wouldn’t be threatening you, Allie!”
I stared at him, unable to hide my disbelief. “Jon said you threatened to kill anyone who touched me...including him, for fuck’s sake.” I bit my lip. “What was that about?”
When he shook his head, his eyes angry, I spoke louder, a little sharper.
“Revik, things were hardly clear with us...they haven’t been for awhile. And you’re not exactly Mr. Nonviolence lately—”
“Gods, Allie!”
Something in his voice made me fall silent. I stared at him, and it slid away from me again...as soon as I felt the ripples coming off his light. My whole body started to hurt again. Tears spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them...then I was remembering him in the cabin, remembering what we’d said to one another, how far away all of that had felt to me until now. I remembered his face, the way he’d looked at me.
“You promised me!” he said, his voice thick. “You fucking promised me!” He gripped his hair again. “Gods...I believed you. I really believed you...you knew what it meant to me. After Elise. You knew...I told you everything...I told you I couldn’t handle this...”
“I meant every word, Revik...I never meant for this to happen...”
Seeing the look on his face, I wished I hadn’t said it.
“...I was trying to break things off with us!” I said, fighting the anger back into my voice. “Jesus! Did you think I was kidding, what I said in that garage in Delhi? I as much as told you I wasn’t going to be faithful after that...”
Allie's War Season Two Page 33
