Jon smiled humorlessly, shaking his head without taking it away from the wall.
“Revik," he said. "...you're lying to yourself. And you don’t know her as well as you think. You can convince yourself she's a doormat or whatever as much as you like, but you’re stupid if you really believe that. You have no idea how fast she cut Jaden out of her life, once she knew it was over.” His voice grew warning when he looked at the seer. “I haven’t seen that look on her face in a long time...but I saw something a lot like it today.”
“Great.” Revik gave a low grunt, clutching his hair in his hands again. “Now I rank with some human punk she was fucking...”
“Yeah,” Jon said, clenching his jaw briefly. “A human she was in love with...for longer than she’s known you. When she was done...she was done, man.”
Revik clicked to himself softly, giving a humorless laugh.
“She tried to cut his new woman,” he grunted.
“Yeah,” Jon said. “...She did. She did do that. And then, a week later, she got out of jail, and she had that look on her face I saw today. She cut him out of her life...I mean totally. He tried repeatedly to apologize, to at least keep her as a friend. She didn’t want to hear it. She never spoke to him again, as far as I know. He was still trying when you showed up and took her out of there. She moved out of their place while he was out of town, and that was it...”
Revik looked at him, his expression cold.
“Is that supposed to scare me, Jon?”
“It should, man. Yeah.”
"Well, it doesn't. It's good. She needs to move on...the sooner the better."
For a moment, Jon only looked at his face, watching the seer's expression close. Realizing the conversation was over, he removed his hand from the other man's arm, sliding backwards on the tile, using his arm for leverage.
"Okay, man." Leaning against the wall for balance, Jon regained his feet. "Fine. Let me know how that works out for you."
The seer’s mouth curled into a frown. Jon thought for a moment he might be angry enough to answer, but he didn’t.
Instead he stared back at the green-tiled floor, the silver chain still clutched in his hand.
17
RESIGNED
I DON’T USUALLY get motion-sickness.
It’s rare for me, even when everyone around me is puking their guts out, like the one and only time I went deep sea fishing with Jon and Jaden and a few of Jaden’s band buddies. Everyone else on that tugboat-like fishing boat turned a kind of greenish color and hung their heads over the side more than once. I got sicker watching them than from the motion of the boat...and I probably drank as much as they did the night before. Well, all but Winters and Drake, who seemed to make a point of destroying as many brain cells as they could on any given evening. But even thinking about them now, and Jaden, and Jaden's band, felt pretty unreal. That whole life seemed so distant from me I could barely believe it had been mine.
So I don’t normally get motion-sickness. But I had it pretty much that entire flight to Beijing. Before that, I felt sick all during the drive to Amritsar, and the shorter flight from Amritsar to Tai Pei. Granted, the roads through the mountains were narrow and rough and wound in sharp loops for miles, but I’d made similar trips before and been fine.
Those last days I spent in the compound weren’t my finest, but at least they went by quickly, and somewhat in a blur.
I had business to take care of first, which helped. I did all of the logistical things before I spoke to anyone, before I even let any of them try to talk to me.
Balidor tried anyway, of course...so did Jon. It surprised me more when Vash showed up and knocked on my door, and after him, Tarsi.
I didn’t sleep much. I’m not even sure I tried. I knew I was in an endurance push at the end, just trying to force myself through, to make it out before something in me collapsed for real. I was running on that exhausted adrenaline again, and there was something wrong with my light still, but I couldn’t think about that overly either. I did wonder if it had gotten worse since I’d started those Barrier sessions with Revik.
It felt like I wrote a lot, during those days.
I wrote out instructions, passwords to bank accounts, advice, observations. Most of it was probably worthless, or close to it. Vash and Tarsi had taken their hands off the steering wheel with the Revik thing a few weeks in, once I no longer needed their help in holding the connection open between us. They still kept an open line to him, Vash told me, so that they could help me exploit any openings that occurred in his aleimi.
Even so, I knew they didn’t really need my help in understanding where he was at, or my inexperienced thoughts about what might be going on with him at that point. Between them, they probably had about 800 or even 1000 years’ worth of experience in working with seers’ light; there wasn’t anything new I could tell them.
They knew Revik’s light, too, a lot better than I probably did.
I did it anyway. Maybe in the hopes that it would make it easier to let go, to pretend some kind of handoff or transition had taken place to make it all clean. I took care of all of Revik’s money, like I told Jon I would, and handed all of that stuff over to Jon and Dorje to manage. Jon said Dorje would work out some sort of single-entry terminal system if Revik needed to access any of it for some reason, meaning before they let him go.
I also set up everything I needed for when I left. I worked with Tenzi to get skin patches, prosthetics, contact lenses, clothes...weapons. By all rights, I probably owed them a ton of money by then, but I didn’t argue when Balidor and Vash insisted I simply take whatever I needed. I couldn’t afford to argue, given that my total assets pretty much equalled what they’d handed me. By the time I finished packing all of that, it took up more than half of my luggage.
I’d shed a lot over the past few years.
Even before then, I’d never really owned much. I’d never really invested in things. Instead, I spent my money on fleeting, impractical wants, like going out with my friends and trips to New York to visit my cousins and band equipment for Jaden. I’d never owned much even before I left everything behind in San Francisco.
Then again, I never had much money, which probably contributed to the not owning anything thing.
Now I had a few T-shirts left from that time, my combat boots, and a couple of half-filled sketchbooks. I didn’t have much in the way of jewelry...nothing but what Cass bought me in the markets of Seertown when she and Jon first got there. I didn’t even have the stuff Mom and Dad left me, because I hadn’t been wearing any of it the night I left with Revik. Whoever I’d been before all this...even before Revik became Syrimne and everything changed again...was pretty much gone.
I felt stripped clean, but it didn’t make me feel light.
Instead, I was left wondering if anything remained. I also felt afraid, for my survival I guess...although I didn't share that with them, either. Nothing seemed left to mourn those things I’d thought were me, beyond the people I cared about. I had no idea who was left, or if I thought much of her, when it was all said and done. I also had no idea how I would survive as a seer in the world, since I'd never done it on my own. Since I'd known what I was, someone had always been around to take care of me, to feed me, give me things...buy me plane tickets.
I'd forgotten what it meant to be on my own in that way, too.
The conversations had been harder.
It started off as strategy, of course. Someone had to go and deal with the Cass thing, and Voi Pai had asked for me. No one seemed surprised when I said I would go and handle it myself. It wasn't until Balidor repeated that I couldn't come back to the caves once I left, not until they'd stabilized Revik, that we really got into it.
Jon seemed less surprised than the rest of them, but he was the one who cried, and who tried the hardest to get me to stay, at least for awhile longer. Vash said very little. Balidor hadn’t seemed to comprehend what I was telling him. I tackled him, Vash and Tarsi as a group, and he just s
tared at me while I told the three of them what I intended to do after I left Beijing. Through most of the time I was talking, Balidor's arms were folded over his chest, his lips pursed. But the look in his eyes had been close to bewilderment, or maybe disbelief.
“You’re...what?” he’d said when I finished.
“It’s pretty clear, ‘Dori,” I told him. "I don't know how I could be clearer."
He just stared at my eyes, his own holding that dense aggregate of shock and confusion.
“In no way is this clear to me, Allie,” he said.
“I’m quitting, ‘Dor,” I said. “You need to appoint a new boss. I'm done.”
“You’re quitting...what?” he said. “Being the Bridge?”
“I guess so, yeah.”
He continued to stare at me, his gray eyes just blurred enough that I had to assume he was scanning me...maybe to determine if I was serious.
“But what does that mean?” he said.
“It means I’m leaving, ‘Dor. I'm not just laying low for awhile with your people while Tarsi and Vash finish with Revik. I'm actually leaving...dropping out.” When he opened his mouth again, I held up a hand. “Look,” I said. “Please...at least try and be logical about this. I’m not any good to you anymore. Half the seers on the planet want me dead. I have no battle experience, no political experience...hell, I wasn’t even raised seer, so even half of your people think I’m brainwashed. It's better if I just lay low for awhile. Disappear.”
“What about what you said to me before?” he said. “About the refugees? The Chinese?”
“I’m going to try and deal with the Chinese,” I said. “We've already covered that. I’ve got a meeting set up with Voi Pai. I’ll at least see if I can negotiate Cass and Baguen’s release...I think I have a way to do it safely. And I won’t be coming back here, like I said, so I won’t put any of you at risk.”
“How much leverage do you think you will have with Voi Pai,” he said flatly. “...As the ‘non’-Bridge?”
My jaw firmed a little. “I don’t plan to tell her that, actually. As far as she knows, I’m negotiating on behalf of the Seven. She’s seen me in that role, so it may actually help you...although with Voi Pai, you can never tell. In any case, she didn’t seem to be wiling to speak to anyone but me.”
“And the refugees?”
I looked at him for a moment, then shook my head, clicking softly.
“Alyson,” he said. “You have an obligation.”
My eyes flashed up at this.
“Spare me, ‘Dor,” I said. “I’ve heard enough guilt trips on being an intermediary to last me a lifetime...I’ve just spent months listening to that crap, in fact...from Menlim and whoever else. It’s not the right argument to try on me right now...”
“What about simple compassion then?” he said. “You used to care what happened to your people, Allie!”
“I still care!” I said angrily. Seeing his frown, I folded my arms, feeling my anger deflate back into that heavier tiredness. “...Did you not hear me on the part that over half of ‘my people’ want me dead?” I said. “Those refugees would be a big chunk of that half. I’m thinking Chan might be able to help you with that. She spent time in the camps...and you said she’s got connections to SCARB now, she can probably help you sidestep the Sweeps until you get most of them relocated. I don’t really see a lot I could contribute to that end, honestly.”
Pausing as I thought about this, I shrugged.
“...Anything, really,” I added.
Balidor’s frown deepened, but I saw that scrutiny trained on me again.
“And you will go...where?” Balidor said.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No, ‘Dor, I don’t.” I sighed. “I’ll need to find a place to hide, obviously...and find a job, some way to make money where they won’t know who I am. Or at least won’t connect it to what I am. I’m sure I can find somewhere to hunker down for awhile...I've been talking to Poresh, and some of your other seers, and I know there are places in the mountains...”
“Which mountains...?” he said, still staring at me in disbelief.
“I don’t know yet. Not exactly.” Seeing his disbelief deepen, I threw up my hands. “I’ll send you a postcard when I find it, okay? In the meantime, I’ve been offered a few safe houses, just to get me on my feet...”
“Where?”
I just looked at him, my eyes flat. “Balidor...let it go, okay?”
“Let what go?” he said. For the first time, anger reached his voice. “Alyson...you can’t possibly believe that it’s safe for you out there! That you will actually find some mythical location where you can just ‘blend’?” His voice burst out louder. “A fucking job? Are you seriously listening to yourself?”
“Look,” I said. “I’ve made my decision.” Glancing around at the rest of them, I opened my mouth to say more, then shut it. Looking at Balidor, I realized the conversation was going nowhere. “Just...deal with it. Okay? I’m not going to fight you on this, ‘Dori. I'm not.”
Pushing back my chair, I regained my feet and walked out of the room.
I barely got ten yards before I heard him coming up behind me.
“Allie! Wait...”
I didn’t slow until he caught hold of my arm. Reluctantly, I turned.
“What?" Seeing his expression, I sighed. "‘Dori...I heard you, okay? I heard you, and you’re right, and it doesn’t change anything. I'm a liability to you now. You've got to see that. You don't need mythical beings starting riots every time they show up in a major city. You need a new government. Hell...elect someone. Someone half the seer community doesn't hate. Someone who can reason with the humans...and with the other seers. You need a new leader. Someone who can help you rebuild Seertown and mend fences with the rebellion...”
“This is because of him,” he said, his voice openly angry now. “You are going to go out there, and commit suicide...because of him.”
“I have no intention of committing suicide,” I said. When the fury in his eyes worsened, I threw up my hands, letting out a humorless laugh. “Jesus, ‘Dor. It’s over, okay? You can blame him or me or call me a coward...it’s not going to make any difference! There’s nothing more I can do here...not with him, and not with this Bridge bullshit. All it ever does is get people killed. And I’d rather not do that if it’s all the same to you...”
“So you will...what?” he said. “Be a waitress again?”
A low coil of anger hit my gut. Feeling my jaw clench, I started to turn away, but he grabbed my arm, forcing me to face him.
“Allie. Do not let him make this decision for you!”
I wrenched my arm away, angry for real then. “I’m not. Christ...you’re as bad as he is!”
“Why are you leaving, Allie?” he said. “Why?”
When I tried to walk away again, he grabbed my arms, pulling me towards him.
“Allie!” he said. “We need you!”
Meeting his gaze, I just looked at him for a moment. His eyes filled with emotion while I watched, a kind of desperate anger that didn’t feel aimed at me. I'd seen the look before, since everything happened in China and with the rebels, but I'd never seen it so completely on the surface of his face. I watched him look at me, as if fighting with words, or maybe with the feelings warring behind them. Then I saw his eyes drift to my mouth. Seeing his expression change again, I shook my head, feeling something in my light close even as I pushed him away.
“No, ‘Dor.”
He caught my arm. “Allie, wait...”
I jerked my arm away. “I said no, Balidor. I’m not in the market for a replacement. You’ll have to find some other way to cock fight with Revik...”
“Alyson!”
I came to a stop, hearing a kind of desperate hurt in his voice. It was so unlike his usual tone that I closed my eyes; I felt something in me give, making my throat tighten. Covering my face with a hand, I fought my voice under control, my light.
Turning, I forced myself to exhale.
“I’m sorry, ‘Dor,” I said. “I really am...that was out of line. I didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t blame me for this!”
“I don’t. I really don’t.”
“Take me with you, Allie...” he said. “Please. Let me go with you.”
I stared at him, unable to believe my ears.
When his expression didn’t change, I gave a short laugh, shaking my head.
“You’re the leader of the Adhipan, Balidor...you’re not going to tell me you think they could get along without you?”
“As a bodyguard, Allie...not a lover. Just let me help you!”
“You’re the head of the Adhipan, Balidor!”
“And you are the Bridge...whether you want to be, or not.”
Seeing the look on his face, I felt the pain slide somewhere deeper in my chest. I knew he meant his words, that he would just walk away from all this, from the Adhipan and everything else. He would probably even tell himself it was his sacred duty, but that wouldn’t be the only reason he would do it. I didn’t think before I moved. Walking to him, I threw my arms around him, enveloping him in a hug. He clasped me in return, but I felt pain on him, a kind of desperate panic in his hands and light as he pulled me into and against his chest. I felt the anger there, too, although if it was at me or Revik or himself at that point, I honestly didn't know.
When I started to draw away, he clutched me tighter, holding me against him.
I was still caressing the back of his head when I felt his light in mine. I felt him trying to weave into my light, pulling on me even as he asked me, as his heart opened to mine. When he started breathing harder, caressing my hair, kissing my face, I disentangled myself gently, pushing his light off as carefully as I did his hands.
I kissed him on the cheek, and he kissed me back, on the mouth. It turned into a real kiss as soon as I let it, and then he was crushing me in his arms again, caressing my face. His arm circled my waist, even as his light wound into mine once more.
Allie's War Season Two Page 97
