I heard the cajole in his voice, and looked away again, clicking softly to myself. I could tell he was trying to win me over in his own way. It more angered than confused me, but I felt enough of both that I couldn’t quite meet his gaze.
“Were you unsure before?” I retorted. “Am I not your type, brother?”
He smiled again, unperturbed by my words.
“I volunteered, Esteemed Bridge,” he said. “And believe me when I tell you...I am very glad that I did.”
Shaking my head, I clicked at him again, louder that time.
He only laughed. He moved then, faster than I would have credited him, given his size. His hand reached out in the same moment. Before I could step out of his reach, he caught hold of my breast, sliding his fingers over the thin fabric of the shift I wore. I forced myself to remain where I was, but my whole body stiffened.
“You like that, Esteemed Sister?” he said, his voice thicker.
I gave him an incredulous look, pushing his hand away in irritation.
“Are you going to be able to get it up?” I said. “Now that I’ve agreed?”
He smiled. I saw that predatory glint sharpen in his eyes, though, even as they darted once more between mine.
“I’m up, girl,” he said. “Talking to me like that is only making it harder...”
Pain rippled through my light at his words.
For a moment, I couldn’t think clearly about why. Then I realized Revik had said something similar to me, that first day in the tank. Fighting the feeling out of my light, I avoided his eyes as I stepped back towards the table with the pot of tea.
“You’re sure?” I said coldly, reaching for the bamboo handle of the pot. I poured a cup for him, and then another for myself. “After all, I’m a little old for you for your usual tastes.”
“Are you, now?” His voice was amused. “Is that what they tell you?”
“It is,” I said. “Is that why you keep calling me ‘girl’?”
I straightened as I said it, handing him a cup of the tea I’d just poured.
He didn’t take it, but stared at me, his eyes sliding between mine once more. I watched his face grow wary, just before he stepped up to me again. That time, he slid his hand under the collared top of the dress, yanking it off my neck roughly, nearly making me lose my balance. Biting my lip, I just stood there, holding the cup of tea as he gripped my breast again. His fingers tightened when I wouldn’t look at him, twisting enough that I winced, still holding the tea.
“You want to see, Esteemed One?” he said, his voice soft.
I forced my eyes to the floor, not answering.
Then I shrugged, my voice bored.
“If it makes you feel better. Sure.”
He laughed, startling me again.
Before I could turn my head, he knocked the cup out of my hand, breaking the china and spilling the tea in a splash across the wooden floor. His other hand grabbed hold of one of my wrists in the same motion, yanking me towards him.
I half-stumbled into his bulky form. Before I’d regained my balance, he took my hand, pressing my palm and fingers against his crotch and forcing them to squeeze.
Pain rippled off him when I complied.
His fingers gripped mine harder, his other hand caressing my breast.
“How’s that, little girl?” he said. His voice came out slightly gruff. “Big enough for you?”
I met his gaze. “Does it make you feel big...?”
“Is that why you refused me? Afraid of Wvercian cock?”
I bit my lip, averting my gaze. I heard him smile.
“You haven’t been broken in by one of my family yet, have you, girl?”
I met his gaze, my eyes flat.
He smiled wider. “I’ll be good to you, girl. Promise. I’ll treat you real good...”
“Sure you will.”
His eyes hardened a little, but the smile never faltered. “You seem awfully angry, given that you suck cock for a living. Did I do something to you I don't know about? Did one of my family hurt you? Or is this just a general hatred for all of your brothers?”
I didn’t look at him at first.
Then the images came, fast enough that I couldn’t block the feeling that rose behind them. Feeling a kind of pain hit my chest, I forced my eyes back up to his, even as I felt his light trying to probe mine, to find an answer to his questions. It struck me that I might be as difficult to read for him as he was for me. He felt some of it though.
Enough that I saw a harder look come to his face.
“You do know me...or think you do, anyway.” The smile on his lips didn’t soften the look living in those black eyes. “All right. If we’ve got such a sordid past together...what’s my name, girl?”
I stared at the floor, fighting back the pain, feeling a kind of heat in my chest.
“What is it?” he said. “Come on. You think you have something to say to me...so say it.” He made a thick sound, nearly a grunt. It might have been a laugh, but for the irritation in it. “I haven’t even been to your part of the world since before you were born...so whatever you think you know, it’s not about me.”
The pain in my chest worsened. I knew it was irrational. I knew.
I also knew I might end up regretting what I was about to do.
But I didn’t care.
I really didn’t give a rat’s ass.
“I know your name,” I said. My eyes fell, staring at his hands on me.
“Do you now? Tell me, then. I’m starting to get bored of this fight, girl.”
The lightness had returned to his voice, almost masking the deeper irritation underneath. I felt the pain under that though, his impatience with talking. He wanted to do what he’d come here to do; he was sick of our back and forth, and no longer cared what I thought.
“Tell me,” he said. He softened his voice again, caressing my breast under the dress. I felt his erection grow under my hand and winced, but didn’t try to pull away. His voice turned gruff once more, even as he pressed my palm tighter against him.
“Tell me my name, girl. For you to be so angry, you must know that at least. And tell me what wrong I did to you, to make you despise me so...”
I looked up, feeling nothing now.
“Your name is Gerwix,” I said.
His fingers froze on my skin. So did his face, which had been lowering to mine.
For a long moment, he didn’t move. He stood there, poised, where he’d been about to try to kiss me. We stared at one another, our faces only about a foot apart.
Through that silence, though, he barely seemed to comprehend what I’d said. The blank look on his broad face appeared confused more than angry. For the barest instant, I thought maybe I’d been wrong, that I was imagining things. Then my eyes shifted to the scar on his throat, and I knew I wasn’t wrong. He didn’t even look that different, despite the age that creased his skin, and darkened the circles under his eyes, flaring crow’s feet from wind and sun.
As he stared at me, his dark eyes widened.
For an instant, I thought I saw fear there...but I may have imagined it.
Whatever it had been, it swiftly morphed into anger. The depth of that anger, the confusion of things I felt behind it, probably would have frightened me under normal circumstances...or maybe just if I’d really cared anymore, what happened to me. I felt the animal there again, the predator, and I knew I hadn’t been wrong.
His words, when he finally spoke, seemed to burst out of him.
“Where did you hear that name, girl?” he said.
When I didn’t answer, his thick, red fingers grabbed my shoulders. He shook me hard, roughly, enough to rattle my teeth.
“Who the fuck told you that name?” he demanded, his voice rising, growing more harsh. “Where did you hear it, bitch? Where?”
I looked up, gasping a little from his hold on me. He held me higher, to stare into my face; my feet barely touched the ground. For a long moment, I could only look at him, trying to unde
rstand what rattled him so much, what he thought he had to be afraid of.
“Do you know who I work for?” he said. “Do you?”
For some reason, I smiled.
“Gerwix,” I said softly. “...Nenzi says hi.”
His eyes widened more, lost in a kind of blank disbelief.
“What?” he said. “What the fuck did you – ”
He didn’t get any further.
Something in me let go, relaxing every muscle in my body.
In the same breath, I released the fist coiled around that part of my light.
The folding sensation came without warning. Strong, like a drug. It rippled through me, so rapidly I barely exhaled before it exploded out of me...so dense I choked on my own breath. It had been so long since I’d done that...it felt even longer than it had been in reality. I hadn't even let myself think about using it, or what I'd done with it in the past, working with Revik and his rebels. The sensation brought up a near-pain, a longing as it pulsed out of me. It fought its way through darkened structures in my aleimi, a rush of heat that sang in my light, wanting nothing more than to do what I willed it to do.
I felt that sense of belonging, of pulling the Barrier into myself...projecting it out onto the world. I felt the difference in my body, bringing that fire into the grayer light of the mundane.
I felt that wanting to go back.
It was almost a wanting to die.
Atoms vibrated around me, rushing like crystals through a wash of insubstantial matter. Spaces peered between the flecks and I lived in those spaces. I belonged here. I belonged with everyone here, even the Wvercian standing across from me. We were family, in that light...and what I was doing for him...
...It was a gift. An act of love.
It was over so fast I found myself gasping.
I had to fight to pull it back, to not make it go further...spread further...touch others...spread that warmth and love to them. A part of me wanted to throw that heat over the whole City, to wash away all of the gray around me, to make it one with the fire of those clouds over my head...
I wanted it...enough that it hurt...
I wanted it so badly.
But I remembered...I remembered Revik’s words.
I remembered what happened before. Not only to him.
I remembered the Registry, the burning bodies, the smell of singed hair and flesh, a barbecue smell, melting organics that smelled darker, like decay and rubber and plastic burning in a hotter, darker fire...the coil of smoke bursting out through a broken window...
Forcing it back, I gasped it in like breaths, swallowing it almost.
I jerked out of the space, and...
...heard a loud crack.
It was loud. Too loud.
I winced, throwing my body backwards when those giant hands released me. I was still fighting my way back into the room as my vision clicked into focus.
He collapsed, a broken doll.
He fell on me, directly on me. His weight crashed into mine so fast I barely had time to slide my own body out of the way. Turning on one leg in reflex, as if I were fighting him in mulei, I shifted my weight to the right, pulling my shoulders as his thick body crumpled. He hit the floor hard. Hard enough that I worried I’d hurt him.
...Until I remembered that he didn’t feel anything anymore.
For what felt like a long time, I could only stand there, paralyzed, light-headed from the telekinesis. I looked down at his collapsed form, which seemed smaller somehow. I watched the light dissipate from around the meat like smoke. I stared at his blank eyes, watching those lose light, too. The only sound I heard came from my own breathing, which seemed to hitch out of me in uneven pants.
Then Ulai stood beside me.
I heard him shouting, from somewhere inside all of that silence, overlain with my shifting and jerking breaths. Then he was holding my shoulders, shaking me like that giant had only moments before. Shaking me and yelling, and fear stood out plainly in his eyes.
I couldn’t hear him though. I was the one trapped underwater now.
An odd ringing filled my ears. Minutes passed that felt like hours before I felt the presences, sliding and whispering in my light. It wasn’t until then that I realized how far in that other place most of my light remained.
I knew where I was.
I was there again. I was in the golden valley...
Tears came to my eyes. Feeling sank me to my knees. I was lost there, unable to dig my way out. I felt the waves of light, the ocean pooling at my waist, tugging at my feet in the current. I looked down at my bare toes, saw them glowing under that clear water, digging into pearl-white sand. But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t with me.
I was alone, staring up at that golden valley in a wash of hot sunlight, feeling the ocean’s waves lap my sides...the sun reflecting gold and white diamonds on its rippling surface below red and orange-tinged clouds. I stood there, and I didn’t want to leave. It occurred to me, for the first time maybe, that I could just end it, like he’d offered in that green-tiled room. I could end it, and in time, he’d be there with me. I wouldn’t have to do this anymore.
It could be over. Really over.
I thought about that from a concubine's room inside the Forbidden City...still far away.
Security flooded through the doors on all sides.
I stared at the ring of guns on me, and all I could think was, it’s okay.
Whatever they did to me now, it would all be okay.
23
RYNAK
REVIK LAY ON the floor, staring up at a dark green ceiling. Even with the collar, it felt different being outside the tank, almost disorienting...and not only from the lack of chains. His light was still adjusting, as was his body. As if in reminder of that, he winced a little when he sat up, enough that the man next to him noticed.
“Your ribs bothering you?” A thread of humor underlay his words.
Revik rolled his eyes. “You wish.”
“You sure about that?” Balidor said. “Not feeling a bit tender?”
Revik shook his head, snorting in spite of himself. “I don’t know how you’ve managed not to be fragged in the last three hundred years. For such an old seer, you're a juvenile shit.”
Balidor chuckled, slapping him on the shoulder. “Takes one to know one.”
Despite his words, Revik felt the Adhipan leader continue to study his face, his gray eyes holding a thread of something else.
“Is it bothering you again?” he said finally.
Revik didn’t meet his gaze. Unwinding the cloth wraps from around his hands, he fought back the pain in his light. The collar protested a little as he expended his aleimi in order to control it, but not enough to deter him.
Even so, his jaw tightened at Balidor’s question. He glanced at the other seer.
“She’s got a boyfriend,” he said.
Balidor blinked a little, staring at him. “How can you be sure?”
Revik gave him a hard look.
Balidor held up his hands, exuding a pulse of regret. “Sorry. I just meant...” He hesitated. “It might not mean anything. It might just be sex, Nenz.”
Revik didn’t answer at first. Slowly, he pulled himself to his feet, focusing on his body instead. He stretched his arms over his head, and winced again. That time, it was because of the shot he’d gotten to the ribs, but Balidor either didn’t notice, or chose not to comment due to the other’s mood. Finally, Revik looked at him again.
“Well, either she’s fucking a lot of people...or she has a boyfriend,” he commented finally.
Balidor winced, but didn’t argue that time. He continued to study the Elaerian’s face.
“Sorry, Nenz.”
Revik shrugged it off, but didn’t say the obvious. Instead he found himself staring at the wall, his hands on his waist. He still couldn’t feel where she was...much less who she was with. He just got sick. The kind of sick he couldn’t think past, couldn’t fully suppress, maybe with or without the colla
r. The feeling was new to him; he’d never felt anything like it the one other time she’d been unfaithful to him. He'd never felt it with anyone else, either.
It was worse than separation pain...more like being forced to share light with someone he didn’t know. So there was a feeling of being violated, but it was worse than that, too...the foreign light actually made him ill. He knew a lot of it was simply from having someone other than her in his light. Even happening through her, it still felt wrong, like the other light didn't belong there. Worse, although he couldn't see any of it, he could still feel her. It felt like being forced to watch, only he couldn't actually see anything...the only way he could deal with that side of things was to blank out his mind altogether.
He'd thought before that if he'd been able to see her with Balidor, it might not have hurt so bad afterwards; he'd assumed that being forced to rely on his imagination made everything worse. He didn't believe that anymore.
He could tell she was shielding. It just wasn't really working. Not enough anyway.
He wondered if Allie had ever felt that same feeling. In D.C. On the ship.
He didn’t voice any of that to Balidor, though.
They were in one of the larger residency rooms in the underground caverns. They’d converted the space into Revik’s new “cell,” following his graduation from chains and the tank, but everyone treated it like his quarters. The Adhipan guards remained outside his door, but had a tendency to hang out inside the room with him just as often. While Revik occasionally felt their scans of his light, and more often, Tarsi and Vash adjusting things in his aleimi...they mostly left him alone. Inside the caves, his options were limited, but he still appreciated it.
Anyway, he supposed Balidor had taken it upon himself to guard him, in a way.
“Are you hungry?” the Adhipan leader asked.
Forcing back another thread of pain that tried to creep into his throat, he shook his head. Nausea overwhelmed him briefly, but he forced it out of his light, bringing another faint jolt from the collar. He fought to ignore it, stretching his back.
“No,” he said.
Balidor stared at him, his eyes showing him at a loss. “Nenz.”
Allie's War Season Two Page 111
