“Just admit it, you’re blown away,” he said finally. And I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I love it! I can’t believe you got your own apartment,” I said, unable to keep my enthusiasm at bay. Then I narrowed my eyes at him. “Is this Ma's work?”
“Nope, all me. I sold those baseball cards; remember the ones we got at that garage sale?” I nodded. “Well, turns out they were worth a bit. And with that money and the money I saved up from my job I was able to get this,” he finished proudly.
“Wow, Beck Westin is a working man,” I teased. “What kind of job?”
“Well, there was a guy in Minneapolis, a dealer—” he laughed at my horrified expression. “Not that kind of dealer. Arts dealer. Mostly photography. Anyway, I was working for him, making deliveries, that kind of stuff. Turns out, I have a good eye. So he hooked me up with this other guy who shoots weddings. Good money, free food. It’s great.”
“Photography?” I scrunched my nose at this; I couldn’t remember a time when I saw him with a camera. It shocked me that he got into it as a profession. Both Ash and I knew Beck had a knack for the arts, he never actually acted on it, and I’d never connect him with something like photography.
“Well, after I gave up baseball...” he said sadly. “ Turns out I’m good at other things, too.”
“You were always good at other things, Beck.” I looked around the room again, and my eye caught on the framed photos on the way. I gestured towards them. “Did you take these?”
He nodded. I walked closer to the wall and inspected the photos, a child with a very young mother, at first glance a photo like any other, but the more I look at it, the more I feel unsettled. You can almost feel the desperation coming from the people in the photo.
“That’s Ellison, and her brother Nick. I met her at group therapy.” My eyes meet his, and he nodded to my silent question. Of course he had to go to therapy. “She lost both her parents in a car crash, so she dropped out of college to take care of her little brother. She’s so strong,” he said with a hint of admiration in his voice, and I felt horrible for the trickle of jealousy at the back of my head to hear him speak about some girl like that.
“She’s the dark haired girl that was with you at that party, and then the coffee shop huh?” I asked. Even though the girl in the picture’s hair is different, I still recognized her.
“Yeah, she came to visit me.”
I moved to the next photo and its Ellison again, this time leaning on Beck’s truck wearing a flowery summer dress, her head thrown back in laughter. It was such a contrast from the first photo that I had to squint before I recognized her. She looked comfortable, happy. Like she belonged there. I looked to the next and it’s another one of Ellison. And the next. The green-eyed monster started to rear its head again.
“You have a lot of photos of Ellison,” I said, trying to keep that jealousy out of my voice and failing miserably.
“What? Is Calla Jensen jealous?” He asked me, I narrowed my eyes at him and he started laughing. “Oh, you are jealous. Ellison was a good friend, nothing like what is going through your mind right now.”
“I am. I’m sorry.” I’m perfectly aware of how unfair I’m being, what with throwing Parker in his face and all.
“Haven’t you figured it out yet?”
“Figured out what?”
“That I’m still just as crazy for you now, as I was then,” he said. “Being apart this time hasn’t changed any of my feelings for you.”
When I heard his words, I felt my heart piece back together a little more.
“When did you get so romantic,” I teased him.
I know I shouldn’t be joking about what he just said, but I was scared to tell him how I was feeling. And honestly, I was having a hard time putting words to the way I felt.
He pulled me into a tight hug, and held onto me for a minute. I rested my head against his chest, and listened to the steady beat of his heart. We stayed like that for a while. Occasionally I would feel his lips on the top of my head and I felt at home. Like nothing had changed.
Feeling the seriousness overtaking the evening Beck playfully pushed me towards the entertainment center. “Come on, I think we need a little competition to relax the moment,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
I followed him into the living room, and watched as he pulled out a video game controller. After turning everything on, and inserting something into the player, I saw the dancing game loading on the screen.
We played Just Dance for a while, and obviously he won every time because he already knew every dance move by heart. You’d think he’d let me win, because I’m a girl and all, but no, he's fiercely competitive and even went as far as gloating after he won. In the end, I collapsed on the sofa, exhausted, and he sat down next to me tsk-tsk-tsking like I had failed at life.
A little while later, he put on Star Wars, which we’d already seen about a million times, but I didn’t complain. Star Wars is Beck’s comfort food; I’ve come to realize that over the years.
Whenever he was sad, stressed or angry, Ash and I were subjected to all day marathons of it. I’m almost ashamed to admit how many times I’ve watched the movies in the last year, hoping he’d be watching them at the same time. The thought of us still sharing something made me feel some comfort, and close to him.
After a while, I leaned my head on his shoulder and fell asleep.
I woke up with something shaking next to me. It took me a moment to realize that it was Beck.
I opened my eyes, and looked at him. He had a light sheen of sweat on his forehead and a very pensive expression on his face. I tried to gently wake him, but he never would open his eyes.
Beck continued to shake. I felt his forehead with my hand, but he was cool to the touch. He didn’t seem to have a fever.
“No-no.... Ash,” Beck murmured, barely discernible, and if I didn’t know what he was dreaming about, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I can’t imagine the horror of having to live with this on your shoulders. I spent the last year thinking no one had it worse than me, but clearly I was deluded in thinking I deserved any sympathy when I did this to him.
“Beck, wake up, you’re dreaming,” I told him, shaking his shoulder lightly to try and wake him up again. He tightened his grip around my waist and continued to mumble something in his sleep. Desperate to wake him up, I shook his shoulders with more force.
“Beck, please wake up,” I yelled.
Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at me, confused at first, but then he rubbed his eyes, and it seemed to bring a little clarity for him. He reached his hand behind my head and pulled me so I was resting against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over again, his mind was still focused on the dream.
“It was just a dream, we’re okay,” I told him.
“It wasn’t just a dream,” he said.
“I know.” I put my hand over his heart and feel his heartbeat steady. I tried to match my own heartbeat to his, but you can’t really do that, can you? I noticed that even though they didn’t match, they still seemed to be in tune somehow.
“Sometimes, when I close my eyes, it’s that day replaying and reminding me of what happened over and over again. I can’t forget it no matter how hard I try,” his voice wobbled a little, like he’s about to cry.
I put my hands under his chin and forced him to look at me. “It wasn’t your fault; please don’t do this to yourself.” I leaned over and put my arms tightly around him.
“I know that, the Lord has helped me come this far. Honestly, without Him in my life and prayers from everywhere, I'm not sure where I would be at this moment. But I still struggle with it all. I still cannot fully forgive myself.”
I was a little surprised at how openly Beck was talking about spiritual things; he never was the serious one when it came to those things in the past.
“When did you realize this?” I asked him.
“When I was living with my aunt, I tried going to a co
unsellor, but that was pretty much a disaster, so I stopped going. Then, my aunt suggested that I talk to the pastor at their church. I met with him, Ben, that’s his name, a few times, but we never really talked about anything of substance. Instead, we hung out, played video games, just things you would do with your friends. He seemed to genuinely care about me, and pretty soon I found myself talking to him. Just like I do with you or Ash, he became a really good friend,” he answered.
He stood up, walked over to his bookshelf, pulled a picture frame off it, and then walked back over to me. He handed me the frame, Beck was standing there with an older guy, and it looked like they were on a golf course. The guy was slightly shorter than Beck, but he had his arm around him.
“You two look close,” I observed.
“We are, I still talk to him pretty much every day,” he answered. He stood back up and put the picture up.
Feeling I had reached my breaking point for the day, I decided it was time for me to go home. “Beck, it has been a pretty long day and I think it is time for me to head back and hopefully get some rest.”
I stood up and stretched a little, after sitting in the same position for a few hours my back was a little stiff.
Beck grabbed my hand, “Okay, let me grab my truck keys."
We walked down to his truck, and he opened the passenger door for me. We were quiet on the short drive back. I kept thinking about Ash, and I bet he was too.
“Okay, goodnight,” I said as we stopped in front of my dorm door.
We stood there for a moment, just taking each other in. After everything that happened in our past, tonight I felt a shift in our relationship. For the first time in almost two years, I felt like we may just be okay after all.
“Night Cal,” he replied, giving me a big hug and a small kiss on the cheek, before walking down the hall to the stairs.
Chapter Nine
Asher
Middle of Junior year
I MISS Delilah… I want her back.
I know what I need to do, but the thought of doing it terrifies me. So instead I numb myself into not feeling or thinking. This numbness has become a welcomed feeling and I can’t go more than a few hours without having it.
Tonight is the first game of the season, and the first game that I’ll have to sit and watch as a spectator. Coach wanted me to suit up still, but the thought of sitting on the bench in the dugout and not playing doesn’t sit well with me. So I told him that I was going to sit with Cal.
Cal tries to distract me by telling me about her acceptance into the University of Alabama, but I barely listen to her. I don’t want to hear about her future working out, when mine is still up in the air.
Needing a fix, I tell her that I am going to grab some drinks, and I head up to the concession stand. I’m feeling the need to be more numb than usual so I grab two pills, and pop them in my mouth. Swallowing them down with a little bit of coke, and wait for the oblivion to take over.
I grab a Dr. Pepper for Cal, and go back to sit next to her.
Halfway into the seventh inning, our pitcher Josh gives up a homer with the bases loaded. Not wanting to watch anymore of the game, I tell Cal that I’m going to head home.
It’s late, my parents are out of town tonight, and with Sam away at his freshman year at college, I have the house to myself.
The house is dark when I pull into the driveway, and before I exit the car, I reach in my ashtray and grab two more pills. I wait for a bit for them to take effect, and start to head towards my front door. I’m feeling more high than usual, and can’t seem to walk straight.
I go to step on the front step, and all of a sudden, I start to see black spots, and then nothing.
The next thing I know someone is shaking me, yelling my name as I slowly come to. When I finally open my eyes, I notice its Cal. She’s crying and pulling her cell phone out.
“Cal,” I say. She drops her phone and kneels down next to me.
“Ash… you’re awake! You had me so scared and worried sick. I was just about to call an ambulance. What happened?” She asked me as she tries to help me sit up.
“Nothing, I just was feeling dizzy and blacked out a little,” I answered hoping that she doesn’t pry into it more. “I’m fine now.”
She grabbed my hat off the porch and helped me inside the house. She helps me to the couch, and ran into the kitchen. A minute later, she comes back into the room and handed me a glass of water. She looked like she wanted to talk about it more, but I’m not interested. Plus what can I tell her, the truth wasn’t an option.
“It’s late, I’m going to head to bed and sleep this headache off. I’ll be okay, but if I need anything I will text you, okay?” I asked trying to appease her worry.
“Okay, but you text me no matter what time it is? Promise me, please? I’m right next door so I can be here in just a second.”
I nodded my head in agreement turning my head to hug her good bye, not wanting to meet her eyes to see the questions I knew they held. She then turned and walked out the front door.
I headed to my room, and plopped down on my bed. My head still felt light and the room still a little unsteady. I closed my eyes and drifted back into the darkness.
I woke up to someone tapping on my window; it took me a second to realize that I was back in my room. I didn’t remember coming home last night, or even leaving the ball field.
I stood up, and opened the window to see Cal there.
“Hey sleepy head, we’re going to be late for school. Hurry up,” She told me and then turned around and walked to the front yard.
I looked at the time and realized I only had about five minutes to get ready. Opting out of taking a shower, I doused myself in some cologne and threw a t-shirt on. Then ran to the bathroom and gargled with some mouthwash, hoping that would cover my morning breath.
I ran to the living room, to grab my backpack and noticed my mom sitting there.
“Hey, want some breakfast?” She asked me.
“Sorry, no time. Overslept this morning again,” I answered her while running out the front door.
When I got outside, I noticed Beck was sitting on the lawn with Calla. Now that they were both single, they spent a lot more time together. Neither of them had admitted their feelings for each other yet, but I had a feeling that would change soon.
School was tiring; trying to focus on what was going on when I had no help from anything was hard. I counted down the time until I could make it all disappear.
Throughout the day, I had several people come up and try to comfort me. I lost count of all the “I’m sorry’s,” I had received. I would just nod a response to them, and then walk away.
When I got to lunch, it was just Cal sitting at our table. She was unpacking her lunch, and reading a book.
I sat down next to her and laid my head down on the table.
“Hey, are you feeling okay?” She asked me, setting her book down into her backpack.
“I’m fine,” I answered. I looked up and saw her studying me.
She opened her mouth to say something but her attention was taken off me and to a white lily that was dropped in front of her.
She turned around, and stared at the person behind her. “You got me a calla lily?”
My curiosity peaked a little, and I sat up to see who she was talking to.
Beck stood there with another flower in his hand.
“I did,” he replied. He took the empty seat next to her, and grabbed her hand.
“Why?” She asked him. Her cheeks were turning a soft pink, and I noticed her looking around to see if anyone was watching.
Scanning the area, I realized that Beck had brought the attention of the whole cafeteria. They were all waiting to see what was happening.
He handed her the other lily, and she set it down on the table.
“I was wondering if you would let me take you on a date,” he asked her.
“Really?” She asked, I noticed the surprised tone that she had. She wasn�
�t expecting this.
“Yes really, what do you say?” He asked again.
She gave him a small nod, and then with more courage shouted a loud and excited ‘yes’.
They sat there and just stared at each other for a little while. He never let go of her hand, and seeing them this way brought a mix of feelings. I was happy for them, for finally admitting to their feelings, but where did that leave me now? The third wheel? It also made me think of Delilah, and the ache in my chest returned…the pain of missing her was strong.
I stood up, and patted Beck on the back. Without saying anything, I walked out of the cafeteria and to the bathroom.
Looking around to make sure no one was there, I pulled my pill of salvation out of its bottle and took it. Instant relief. I took another just for good measure, what could it hurt, feeling is what hurt.
***
Calla
Now
BY THE time Sunday came, I wasn’t ready to have to face the real world again. Beck and I spent all weekend hanging out at his apartment, it felt almost like old times. There was still a tension between us, but I knew that it would eventually fade as time went on.
I had told him about the church I had visited and since it was Sunday, we decided to go to church together, to start clean. He dropped me off at my dorm and while I got ready, he ran and picked us up some coffee and donuts.
Pulling into the church parking lot, I was amazed at how many cars were there. I had only attended a Wednesday Prayer service, and there was only a handful of cars there. But today the parking lot was packed and we had to park all the way at the end of the parking lot.
When we arrived Greg, a guy I had met there before, came over to welcome us.
The same sweet lady came up and gave me a hug, it’s funny she never speaks to me, but every time I’ve been here she’s given me one of these hugs. Beck looked at me questioningly, but I just shrugged and smiled up at him.
Although I always wanted to sit in the back and blend in, Beck assured me that we didn’t want to be a “back pew dweller.” So we chose a seat closer to the middle just as the service was beginning. Sitting here with Beck just felt right and I prayed that God had led us back to one another for good…that the sins of the past would not haunt us forever.
What's Left of Us (The Us Series Book 1) Page 11
