by Leen Elle
"Hey, kiddo," Todd waved. "How are you?" he asked, coming around the bed and sitting on Alex's opposite side. His eyes scanned Alex's face and Todd cracked a smile. "You're looking a lot better. Few days ago you looked like the dog poo on the bottom of my shoe."
Cameron guffawed and Alex made a face.
"Thanks? I guess," Alex laughed.
"No problem, I mean it with infinite amounts of sincerity. Hey, you, Sulky." Todd held a hand out toward Cameron's face and snapped his fingers to grab his attention. Cameron shifted his gaze, keeping it blank and barely interested. A dark eyebrow almost touched his hairline. Todd took this as his chance to go on, and so he did. "We should be heading back." He leaned back in the chair and patted his gaunt belly.
Cameron hesitated, scratching his temple and looking over to Alex.
"You can go, you know. There's no reason you need to hang around here all day. You're not the one in the hospital, I am. Go home, get some rest. Eat real food." Alex's voice was assuring and he made wild gestures as he spoke.
Cameron's chest felt like it was being torn open. He didn't want to leave his brother, but it was time for him to get back to the real world, as much as he hated it. Bills needed to be paid and if he wanted to keep his job he was going to need to show his face there by tomorrow. A huge part of him felt guilty for leaving Alex and he wished he could throw responsibility to the wind, but Alex refused to let him.
This accident threw into sharp relief for Cameron how close he was to losing someone he cared so much for. Now he wanted to grab hold of every moment and hold it tightly. He wanted to squeeze from every single millisecond all that he could.
He wanted to start collecting memories so that when he looked back on his life he would have some good things to remember rather than infinite amounts of gray TV static.
"Cam," Alex started. "I understand."
"I know, but---"
"No. Don't feel bad about leaving me here, I'm fine. I'm breathing, aren't I? Besides," his lips pulled up to one side in a crooked smile, "I'll be out of here soon. Then I can finish up school, I'll see you at my art show, and then I'll take you up on your offer to visit you this summer."
Cameron smiled. "That better be a promise."
"Of course it is."
It took Todd a few more minutes and several goodbyes to finally get Cameron to the car, but get him to the car he did. The drive back home was long and silent, save for the few moments peppered in between when, out of nowhere, Cameron would smile or laugh to himself. Without fail, Todd would tear his eyes from the road in front of him to look at his friend, who was staring out the window and watching the raindrops race each other across the glass, leaving behind wet stains.
Todd never asked Cameron what he was thinking about, because he already knew. It was Alex. It was all Alex.
Cameron could sleep a little better now that he was sure his brother was as well as he could hope to be after all that happened. Only a few more days and he would get to go home, and Cameron would be damned if he wasn't part of the audience that would welcome him back.
One muggy afternoon, when Todd asked him to join him for lunch at a local diner, Cameron agreed. The weight of the heat sat on his shoulders and the Chicago wind blew through his hair until he finally opened the door to the diner, bell ringing above the door as he entered, and took a seat at a table for two in the middle of the restaurant.
He was busy looking through the menu and deciding between a chili bowl or a tuna melt when the bell above the door rang again. He looked up, half-waving when he saw Todd. A slight move to the left and Cameron had a full view of Imogen, too.
His heart skidded to a halt and he shot up from his seat at the table.
Imogen saw him, too, and they stood there, staring at each other like two deer caught in headlights. Todd held a cautionary hand out toward Cameron, and, though Cameron couldn't hear what he was saying, Todd began to speak softly, begging him not to move one more inch. To Todd's surprise, Cameron stayed put.
Imogen grabbed onto Todd's elbow.
"What?" he turned and asked her, trying to yank his arm from her ironclad grip.
Her eyes were wide and her mouth clamped shut as she looked up at Todd. Through gritted teeth, she said, "You didn't tell me he would be here."
"Exactly," Todd replied, peeling her fingers from him one by one, "because I knew if I told you, there was no way you'd come with me. Don't look so betrayed, Im. I didn't tell Cameron you were coming, either. Wasn't that obvious from the way he practically jumped out of his skin just now?"
Imogen's brows pulled down and she studied Todd. He seemed pretty proud of himself, with an easy smirk on his face and his relaxed stance. "You must really think you're something else."
"A mastermind. An evil genius, even."
"How about just evil?"
"Never. Come on." Todd grabbed Imogen's hand and pulled her forward. Using both of her hands and leveraging all of her weight, she pulled back and was able to stop him from moving farther.
"Todd."
He stopped, flashing Imogen a small, reassuring smile when he saw her darkened gaze darting between himself and Cameron. He pulled his hands from hers and turned to her fully, holding her firmly on the shoulder. He lowered his head just the tiniest bit.
"Everything will be fine." Slowly, he turned to look over his shoulder at Cameron. He was still standing at the table, hands curled into fists at his sides. His expression was almost unreadable, but the tightness around his jaw gave away his annoyance. Todd focused once again on Imogen. "Cameron's still here. He's willing to talk it out. Aren't you?"
It was true, Cameron wasn't running away. The look on his face said he wanted to, but he wasn't going anywhere. If he was willing to talk things out, at least, Imogen thought, then maybe Todd was right. Maybe she should be willing, too. She swallowed and, clicking her bottom teeth against her top teeth, nodded her head. Like a rock, Todd took her by the elbow and walked her to the table.
It was a civil meeting, though tense. Cameron's gaze on Imogen was almost tangible as she made even the slightest of movements. She kept her own eyes averted, pulling a chair out from the table by its back and wondering if it was okay to sit down.
Todd watched Cameron for any sudden movements, but there were none. The tension didn't ease up, but once Todd felt confident that neither were going to suddenly run out the door, he let them in on his plan.
"I'm actually needed somewhere else right about now," he lied, lifting his left arm and looking at the watch on his wrist, though he didn't bother to take note of the time. "You guys can handle this, yeah?" He jumped back when Cameron shifted toward him, his hand slightly out in an effort to grab Todd by the neck of his t-shirt. "Okay, great. You two have fun!"
Grimacing, Imogen didn't look behind her as Todd retreated, but rather closed her eyes and sat down in her chair. Cameron stood, breathing hard with flaming eyes. Moments passed before he breathed in deeply and sat down himself. He was careful to fold his hands on the table without touching Imogen's; the table they sat at was small and it took effort for the both of them to ignore the fact that it was possible to feel the other's body heat from where they each sat.
Imogen tried to catch his gaze but he was strategically looking at anything that wasn't her. They were both hyperaware of the silence between the two of them in stark contrast to the life that went on all around. People conversed, people laughed, a woman put her hand over her lover's. Cameron and Imogen saw and heard it all, yet they remained silent.
Imogen could feel her heart pounding in her chest and she marveled at how its force wasn't rattling the table. Blood swam in her ears and she could feel the heat pooling in her cheeks. Her brain ran a million miles an hour, screaming at her to either speak or to run.
She'd done with running away. After all, she reasoned, she came this far. There was no sense in acting like a child now.
Imogen cleared her throat and slicked her tongue across her top teeth. "Look, as long as we're sitti
ng here and you're not speaking, I want to say something to you. I want to know you can hear me."
Cameron only blinked in response, but she took it as a sign to go on. He was giving her a chance, and it might be her only one.
There was so much she wanted to say and yet the words wouldn't come. She became distracted by the noise around her and it seemed to swell into a crescendo so loudly that it drowned out the noise of her own thoughts. Imogen felt sweat break out around her temples and she took a deep breath, telling herself not to panic.
"Cameron, I… I'm sorry. For everything. What happened between you and I at your parents' house, it wasn't what I thought it would be. I mean, I wasn't expecting it. That's not to say I regret it…" she paused, trying to rid her mind of sudden images of their bodies wrapped tightly together underneath cotton sheets. "…It's only that I regret what it did to our friendship. Had I known this was how we would be, believe me, I wouldn't have let it go that far."
She waited for Cameron to speak but he remained silent. He was biting his lip hard, almost to the point where he drew blood, to keep from interrupting her and saying all the things he wanted to say to her, most of which were not very kind. Weeks had gone by and he liked to think he'd gotten over the sting of rejection from Imogen. Fine, they slept together and she didn't want to be with him that way. He was a big boy, he could handle that. What he couldn't handle, on the other hand, was her hypocrisy. Still, his silence prompted her to continue.
"I owe you another apology. That night at the hospital, I really didn't come down there looking for a fight. I genuinely wanted to make sure that Alex was alright, but that's not important right now." She closed her eyes and Cameron watched from the side of his eye as her face contorted into a grimace of pain. "The things I said to you in the parking lot, they were terrible. I'm sor---"
"That's what I don't understand." Cameron swung around in his chair so that they faced each other fully. Her mouth hung open, the word sorry caught in her throat. "How do you expect me to accept this apology? How am I supposed trust you now? I mean, shit. I opened up to you about things no one else knows, I told you things I've never once wasted breath confiding to other people, not even Todd, my best friend in the world. You took my weaknesses and used them against me. That's not fair. That was dirty, Imogen, and it hurt."
She winced with his last words, as if the sting he still felt was now being passed on to her, zapping her with each syllable. After a long pause, she licked her lips and said in a barely audible voice, "I know. I can't take back the things I said to you, but I didn't mean them. I hope you believe me, I really didn't mean them. I was angry. All that was on my mind at that moment was how I could hurt you. The only thing I can do now is hope for your forgiveness and, by a long shot, to be your friend again, when or if you're ever ready."
Now she lost all her courage. She couldn't find the strength to look him in the eye while she swallowed her pride. She knew it was right, that this was the only way to atone for her wrongs against him.
There was more she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. She couldn't tell Cameron that the only reason things had gotten so out of control between the two of them was because, for a moment, she was scared. Imogen realized too late that fear was no reason to run from someone who had the power to change a life. Whether he knew it or not, Cameron had changed her life, and she hoped she'd changed his, too. Only Imogen couldn't fix things now. She'd be lucky if he decided to continue to speak to her again, let alone face a commitment with her, especially after the way she pulled away from him when he was so obviously willing to jump into the unknown with her. When he tried to take her hand, Imogen moved hers away. There was no undoing that.
"See, that's the thing, though, isn't it, Imogen?" She looked up as he spoke, his tone decidedly cool and detached. If his voice were a color, it would have been black, and it was rough around the edges. "Friends don't intentionally hurt each other."
The words were a bomb to her heart. She felt something implode inside of her, rendering her entire body weak. For a moment she couldn't move; Cameron's words caused her physical shock.
He watched her face change: it colored and morphed fluidly from an expression of surprise to one of pain and finally to poorly veiled composure.
Imogen was biting her bottom lip to keep Cameron from seeing how it trembled so.
"Alex is okay, though? He'll be out soon?"
"He's discharged this Friday. You'd better go see him, he's waiting for you."
Imogen nodded. She stood up a little too fast, causing the blood to rush to her head. She blinked away the blinding white light as she once again gained her bearings before flashing Cameron a flimsy half-smile. They were close to the door but she couldn't seem to get out of there fast enough.
When she finally made it into her apartment, she refused to let herself cry. Now was not the time, she scolded herself. There were more important matters at hand and it would be useless to dwell on the events of this afternoon any longer.
Louisiana was waiting for her.
This phrase she repeated over and over as she swung her large suitcase from the top shelf of her closet and swiftly filled it with clothes and other belongings.
Chapter Fourteen
There's A Science To These Mindless Things We Do
The hospital again, with its blinding white walls and colorless lights. Doctors and nurses made their rounds, the sick were checked in and the healthy were checked out.
Cameron was at the coffee machine filling up his second cup when Todd met him.
"When did you get here?"
Cameron didn't answer, nor did he make any gesture to let Todd know his question was even heard. Instead, Todd watched as Cameron filled his cup to the brim before setting it down and dumping two small packets of sugar into it, not bothering to stir the mixture before covering it with a plastic top.
"Hello?" Todd waved his hands in front of Cameron's face as he drank. Cameron glanced at his friend from the side of his eye and moved to an unoccupied table in the cafeteria. In one swift motion he pulled a chair out and sat down, swiping his arm across the table top to clear it of crumbs left behind from the previous sitter.
The sound of chair legs scraping linoleum was loud in the room, despite the constant buzz of conversation, as Todd sat across from Cameron.
"Have I died and turned into a fucking ghost here, or what?" Todd's tone was derisive and his words clipped. "Stop giving me the third degree for a split second and tell me what happened."
Cameron's hands were wrapped loosely around his cup of coffee, turning it back and forth in half circles with either of his middle fingers. He needed a moment to himself. He didn't want to do this with Todd, not right now, not right there, in the middle of a semi-crowded hospital cafeteria at the top of a Thursday afternoon. That was why Cameron didn't tell Todd he was headed back down. That was why he rented a car and drove himself. It was to avoid the confrontation, to skip the angry yelling and the name calling. The bastard had to ruin everything.
If Todd was going to try and back him into a corner, though, Cameron wasn't going to sit there and let him.
He breathed deeply through his nose and let it out from his mouth, closing his eyes in the process. Cameron needed to clear his mind before he flew off the handle and said things he would later regret. With his elbows firmly planted, Cameron could feel the table moving as Todd bounced his foot up and down with impatience. Cameron opened his eyes and gave Todd a deadly look.
"Todd, I don't want to do this right now." Cameron stood up and snatched his cup, holding it to his chest as if it were a lifesaver. Todd stood up, too, and followed Cameron out to the foyer and through the general entrance, not caring that Cameron was growling at him to leave him alone.
The sun outside was bright and it beat down on them heavily. Immediately Todd was forced to remove his sweater, an article of clothing which was only necessary to use inside the frigid hospital walls. It was cold as a morgue in there. Cameron shielded his eyes
from the sun and looked away from the parking lot, where the sun shone upon the metal of the cars and blinded him with an intense, white light, toward a small patch of grass across the street. He sipped his coffee, bitter and lukewarm in his mouth, trying to think of ways he could ditch Todd.
"Look, I can't handle this not-speaking-to-me bullshit thing you've got going on here. I'm your best friend. If you think you can escape me, you're wrong. I'll find you."
Cameron rolled his eyes. Then you underestimate my abilities, my friend.
"You know what I did for you was for your own good. Both of you. It's not my fault if the two of you are so incredibly stubborn that you would rather try and pretend like nothing ever happened but still hold onto a grudge. Can you blame me? You left me no other choice. I'm your friend and I'm her friend and it was driving me abso-fucking-lutely batty the way you were acting so weird toward each other. This was the only way you would even be in the same room together, let alone talk, and hopefully like civil, adult human beings." Todd brushed his thumb along his bottom lip, sliding a fresh carton of cigarettes from his back pocket with the opposite hand. He paused momentarily to rip open the package and put a fresh one between his lips, inhaling the sweet, deathly chemicals once it was lit. "And you needed to talk. All I did was facilitate your meeting. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Can't you just be glad that I was the one who put it together and you didn't have to suffer through seeing her in a café or some place like that and then have to scramble to hide before she caught sight of you? It was good for you and you know it. So why are you ignoring me and not speaking to me? You can't go through life that way, dude, ignoring people you don't want to see."
"You really must not know me at all," Cameron started, turning to face him. "That's how I've lived my life for the past twenty six years: ignoring everybody I didn't want to see."
