by Robyn Okrant
I used to love hanging out with this friend, although we’ve drifted apart over the years. I take the initiative and kick off our reminiscing. I remind her about when we were both single, and during one brutally hot summer, we’d sit in her air-conditioned car with takeout Thai food, singing classic rock songs at the top of our lungs, neither of us able to carry a tune to save our lives. I’m ready to skip lightly together down memory lane. My friend, however, looks exhausted, a bit disheveled, and doesn’t take off her gigantic sunglasses even though we’re seated inside. After she orders herself a drink, she launches into the latest stories of her life: Her marriage is breaking apart, she can’t find meaningful work, and her health hasn’t been good. She looks painfully sad. We sit for several hours, catching up, speaking in a more deeply honest way than we ever did in the old days.
I never do tell her that I called her because I thought she would fulfill the Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun role in my life. In her delicate emotional state, she probably wouldn’t appreciate the irony.
Oprah is singular and extraordinary and so are we all, whether we have an unmatched level of power and celebrity or we’re one of the countless graduating students vying for the same job as everyone else. I am always surprised when Oprah publishes articles or produces show topics that congeal us into a few standard types. It seems to go against everything she tries to teach us — that we have many commonalities, but we should find and celebrate our individuality. Diversity is what makes us interesting.
While I know Oprah didn’t write the article, I still credit her for its existence. After all, the magazine is called O, The OPRAH Magazine. Everything printed in it falls under the umbrella of her power. At least I think it does. This is where the line between Oprah the person and Oprah the business gets confusing for me. I think, due to the way her companies are marketed, we’re meant to feel that every single word we hear, read, or see comes directly from her lips, her brain, her pen. That is why, when I read articles such as this, I throw my hands in the air and wonder what purpose she felt it served.
I do appreciate that Oprah seeks to make our lives better and to guide us toward a more substantial existence. In many ways, I can relate to her mission. My work, on a more minuscule but in my opinion no less meaningful level, is all about making other people feel good. All I want for my yoga students is better health, to discover the connection between their physical and emotional selves, and to find a deeper sense of well-being. But I’m just a cog in their so-called self-improvement machinery, making suggestions when I can be of assistance and staying out of the way when I can’t. I know I will never be all things to all people. On the other hand, Oprah has built a self-help empire that gives the impression she is omniscient. She never professes to be an expert in any one area, but she has amassed an army of experts who allow her to be a guru and who bestow upon her the aura of authority.
This month’s magazine boasts an article called “48 Decisions We’ve Made for You,” and I find myself cringing when I read the title. I like Oprah best when she’s acting as a guide and moderator, but I get prickly when I feel as if she’s telling me she knows best. The items in the aforementioned article are somewhat obvious, nothing that stomps on the toes of my sensibility. And yet it’s the choice of language that gets under my skin the most. I don’t want anyone else to make my decisions for me! Complacency might make life feel easier, but it undermines self-empowerment and is certainly not a lesson one would garner from studying Oprah’s path to success. It’s the principle that I find upsetting and will be my biggest obstacle when it comes to the possibility of retaining anything positive and long-lasting from this year.
September 3, 2008
It’s a very special day. Today is the first time that my morning deposit is S-shaped. I screech with joy, and Jim rushes into the bathroom to see if I am okay. I slam down the toilet lid, hiding my treasure. I’d like there to be a couple mysteries left in our relationship. I assure him that I’m all right. As he heads down the hall, back to the kitchen, I remind him to sprinkle some wheat germ on his oatmeal. There’s no reason I should celebrate alone this morning.
My stomach is in knots. Don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about bowel movements again. Spurred on by a show about how to keep our husbands from being unfaithful, I took a test on Oprah’s site called Is He Cheating? I know I promised myself I’d stop taking these, but it doesn’t seem possible while Living Oprah is in full swing. I was confident when I took the test because Jim has never given me even the slightest reason to doubt his fidelity. And yet my nemesis, the online quiz, has chipped away at my sense of security. The test results tell me we’re “on shaky ground.” When I inform Jim about this, he’s really steamed but can’t figure out where to direct his ire. And while I trust my life partner over Oprah’s technology, I have to admit I’m stirred up. I can’t even see beyond the results to find any positive lesson at the moment. I am restless and unfocused.
Additionally, this morning’s show has made me hopping mad. Misery loves company and I feel validated that my blog readers are also in a tizzy. Oprah’s guest, a psychologist selling a book, has taken it upon himself to inform a mostly female audience how we are partly to blame for our cheating spouses in an episode entitled “Affair-Proof Your Marriage.” I wonder if he plans on a trip to the Lincoln Park Zoo after the show, where he will poke hungry lions with a short stick. The crowd looks really annoyed. Not even a free download of his book can keep Oprah’s audience from self-righteous anger. I’d normally find the lack of excitement over a gift from Oprah absolutely hilarious, but rage dampens my sense of humor. Our hostess has guessed how we’ll react. She knows her audience very well. Still, the consummate professional, she helps him clarify his points. She’s not going to take a bullet for him, but she is attempting to ease a little tension. She even stands behind some of his suggestions and adds her own flair: “The truth of the matter is, men do need to be made to feel like they’re winners. They do need to have themselves built up.”
It’s probably no surprise that I get a little smug here and think, “Don’t I need to feel like a winner, Oprah? Shouldn’t that be my priority, rather than blowing smoke up Jim’s —— .”
Then I take a breath. These assignments are not for me to judge, just to follow. Besides, I’m positive that Jim will see through this bolstering of his ego and ask me to stop.
When he gets home from work, I ask him to open a jar of marinara for me. Because of my Best Life Challenge exercise, I’ve been lifting weights regularly, and I could give Michelle Obama a run for her money in an arm wrestling match. I don’t need a man to pop a top for me. Still, I dutifully ask, calling on all my past acting classes to allow me to maintain the guise of sincerity. When the lid comes off, Jim hands it to me.
“Whoa!” I say, widening my eyes, “I couldn’t even budge it. I can’t believe you did that.”
He flexes his bicep. “That’s because I’m badass.” He pats me on the tush and heads out of the kitchen.
Hook, line, and sinker.
Throughout the autumn, I compliment him copiously. While we paint our bedroom, because Oprah’s advised us to have a sleep-promoting color on our walls, I tell him he’s really good with a brush: very precise, no drips. You’d think the guy had just painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, he is grinning so much. I make sure I tell him how funny he is, how creative, how smart. I thank him for going to work in the morning, and I pat him on the back when he’s finished his day. I really do appreciate all he does, but I’ve never made it a priority to tell him at every opportunity. While I can’t help but feel as if I’m coddling a child, Jim has never seemed happier. I came home from teaching today to discover a vase filled with my favorite orange and hot pink gerbera daisies on the table. He brought them home “just because.”
I’ll admit, this is working out pretty well. And because I can’t leave it alone, I tell him that as much as he feels like a million bucks every time I compliment him, I would also like to hear the
same appreciation. He eagerly agrees and gives it a go. All the bolstering doesn’t do quite as much for me, I find. Perhaps it’s because I asked him for it (and had to remind him a few times) or maybe just because his mind is wired to absorb compliments differently than mine. Still, all in all, a very successful lesson from Oprah, and it didn’t cost me a cent.
Today I learned that Oprah has the power to stop time. She only has to utter these words, “And for you at home, if you haven’t seen Céline in concert: you must.” Jim (or should I say, my big, strong husband) is running late for work when he hears Oprah’s commandment. I howl and wonder if I’ve done something karmically to earn this fate. Once the initial shock subsides a bit and the hands on the clock begin to move again, Jim says to me in a little, teenie voice, “Please don’t make me go.” I look into his eyes and know I cannot inflict this upon him. He’s earned a get-out-of-jail-free card this year.
Oh, I should probably mention that I am not a fan of Céline Dion’s. She might be a kind and altruistic woman, but I would rather do the vegan cleanse for the remainder of the year than go to this concert. I love French-speaking Canada. I spent a lot of time there as a kid and even honeymooned there in 2003. However, I’ve never developed a taste for their most popular export. The woman sure can belt out a tune, but to my savage ears, all those ballads sound exactly the same. Plus, she’s notorious for holding incredibly long concerts, and I can’t sit still for more than an hour. I’m actually sweating.
Jim beats a hasty retreat to work and forgets his lunch on the kitchen table. I quickly call my friend Jefferson and rope him into being my date for the show. He has stipulated that he’ll only go if I do not censor him in any way at the concert. I’m frightened of what this might mean but am even more terrified to attend the show on my own. I throw caution to the wind, agree to his demands, and quickly buy our tickets before he can change his mind. This is one of the most unwelcome assignments to date, and I don’t receive the least bit of sympathy from my friends. They think this is hilarious and really rub it in, as they know how I feel about the Québecois crooner. Merde!
Oprah states, with firm conviction, that she is campaigning for Barack Obama as a private citizen. She can say this all she wants, but Oprah, standing on any stage, with a microphone in her hand, is not a private citizen. Sure, she’s not endorsing him on her show, but if she publicly tells people to vote, then a little bit of that magic which inspires people to go out and buy fire pits and crisp white shirts is evoked. As consumers, millions are under her spell. Is her charm just as potent to voters? I’d like to think we will all make our own decisions, regardless of what famous person endorses which candidate. But I might just be fooling myself. If so many viewers allow Oprah to guide them spiritually, then why not politically, as well? I’m completely torn by this use of her power. Barack Obama is, without a doubt, my favored candidate. I want him to win. But I feel uncomfortable at the thought that an Oprah endorsement (or one by any famous personality) is what will win voters over, rather than their faith in the man and his promise as a leader. I want to believe that our touch-screen fingers are guided by our personal beliefs, not as an extension of our Winfrey fan club membership. When she spoke of Mr. Obama to Larry King back in 2007, she said, “I think that my value to him, my support of him, is probably worth more than any check.” Without a doubt. And I appreciate that she acknowledged the power of her persona.
To be honest, I expect Oprah to use her show to reflect her own point of view. It’s called The Oprah Winfrey Show, not the Generic Infotainment Hour. It would be virtually impossible, and probably very dull, for an individually hosted show to be entirely neutral. I will go so far as to say I think Oprah’s entire program is political. Every moment of it. From the topics she chooses, to the guests she invites on her stage, to the side she leans toward on a controversial issue: These all reflect her politics. We don’t need to pretend that her show sits in some fantasy neutral zone. If we expect her to be entirely evenhanded, she’d have to erase herself, her award-winning personality, from the equation. It’s her passions that have helped her become as magnetic and interesting as she is. I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask her to uphold journalistic integrity on a talk show. I’ve read many people’s complaints about her lack of neutrality during the campaign, but I think maybe C-SPAN is a more appropriate venue to obtain their information.
I’ve come to the conclusion that many of Oprah’s guests are either superhuman, highly emotionally evolved, or in complete denial. I understand they are chosen to tell their stories because their cases are extreme, and Oprah and her producers feel that we can learn something from them. I’m speaking specifically about the guests who have gone through horrible tragedies and are able to find positive lessons in their painful situations. For instance, a man whose wife and youngest son were murdered, only to discover it was his oldest boy who masterminded the crime. Instead of being eaten up by anger, he forgave his son. Or the woman who was almost burned alive by her abusive and jealous husband. She appears to be the gentlest, kindest, most positive woman I’ve seen. She doesn’t show the least bit of resentment. The list goes on. On Oprah, we see guests transcending anger, sadness, fear, and guilt. We’re told to look to them as examples of how we might live. Oprah will frequently highlight them so we are able to set the bar for our own responses to difficult situations.
An interesting discussion has arisen on my blog about how we deal with painful feelings. Recently, I was comparing myself with a woman who insists she has no anger about her own diseased body. I really admire her and find much inspiration in her words. But the more I watch, I begin to feel down about myself, wondering why I can’t be so evolved when it comes to handling my chronic condition. Most of the time, I feel strong and positive, but I do have my moments when I feel scared, resentful, and defeated. I put pressure on myself to rise up to the behavior of these strangers, but always come up lacking. This is the pitfall I’ve encountered more than once this year. Watching nonstop inspiring stories, eventually they backfire on me and I feel terrible.
My readers have brought up a point that I’ve forgotten as of late: It is human to feel bad every now and then. So why do we so rarely see this less attractive step in the healing process on TV? As long as we don’t sit and wallow in our darker times, we can actually benefit from experiencing difficulties. While I imagine it’d be fabulous to live my entire life on the peaks, it’s in the valleys that I gain the most growth as a human being. And yet we are so terrified of pain, in general, that many of us would rather steer clear of it than discover the reason it exists or do the hard work it takes to let it go. Physical and emotional discomfort are to be avoided at all costs. It’s no surprise that the self-help and pharmaceutical industries are booming. No one wants to suffer. There’s a pill or a quick fix for just about everything these days. I think our desire to find respite from discomfort is one of the reasons so many of us tune in to shows such as Oprah. We seek any Rx she might prescribe for our distress.
In my experience, when it comes to healing my psychic pain, I need to find my own path. It doesn’t mean I don’t ever first turn to outside influences for guidance. But sometimes I turn to external sources because I’m avoiding the hard work of healing myself, I might fear the truth, or don’t trust my own intuition. I can learn from example, but no guru can yank me out of my suffering until I’m ready, no matter how many transcendent heroes are paraded on the TV screen in front of me. So while Oprah urges us to learn from her guests, I have to remember to stop comparing myself to these shining beacons of emotional health. I wonder what would happen if I plunged myself into a self-help vacuum. Would I be any less likely to evolve? Maybe I’d learn to be a little more self-sufficient if I wasn’t so magnetized to those pedaling miracles and spiritual snake oil. I need to build myself an invisible set of those blinders that are usually worn by horses. I could stop comparing myself to others and block out anyone or anything that lowers my self-esteem. Or maybe I could just cancel my cable
subscription.
September 2008 Accounting
Date Assignment Cost Time Notes
9/1 Read O from cover to cover. (LO) 4h 0m There was so much stuff to make life easier that I got overwhelmed!
9/2 “Go get your XM radio.” (SHOW) 107.93 1h 0m Radio and service
9/2 “Take the friendship quiz.” (WEB) 0h 5m This directive came in an e-mail. It turns out Grace and I are good at being friends. Shall we continue?
9/3 Get Rolfed. (WEB/SHOW) 130.00 1h 30m I was looking for a way to help ease the chronic pain I have in my back. Because of the segment on the show (with Dr. Oz getting Rolfed) and the info on the website, I decided to get Rolfed. It was intense. Helpful. I will continue, although it is an investment. (O)
9/5 Get Burt’s Bees Eye Cream and Ageless Night Cream. (WEB/SHOW) 40.88 0h 30m I checked online about how to care for skin in my 30s. Rewatched Earth Day show from April where Burt’s Bees was promoted. Cost is minus 10 bag refund. (30 minutes to research and buy; I will use regularly) (O)
9/10 “Watch this show and e-mail me about it.” (SHOW) 0h 5m Oprah was referring to the next day’s show about why men cheat.
9/10 “Download the whole thing for free on Oprah.com.” (SHOW) 0h 5m Oprah was referring to Elizabeth Smart’s book You’re Not Alone: The Journey from Abduction to Empowerment.
9/11 Take online test Is He Cheating? (WEB) 0h 10m Seems my marriage is crackin’ up. Odd. I thought we were pretty happy. So did my husband.
9/11 “You need to find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state.” (SHOW) 0h 30m I see that it is legal to use in cases of domestic violence where the offender breaks a restraining order.
9/11 “Going out to work every day, which every man does who is responsible for his family, after a while men feel taken for granted that they are doing that… so there needs to be some acknowledgment of that.” (SHOW) 0h 0m I wish I also received acknowledgment for my part in bringing home the bacon. (O)
