by Robyn Okrant
Photo © Jim Stevens
Here I am, all powdered and glossed.
Photo © Jim Stevens
Betty Crocker, watch your back!
Photo © Jim Stevens
Apricot, Ginger, and Walnut Tea Bread: One of y homemade Christmas gifts for my in-laws.
December 2008 Accounting
Date Assignment Cost Time Notes
12/1 Read O from cover to cover. (LO) 4h 30m
12/1 Listen to 2-part interview with Sinus Relief Now author Dr. Jordan S. Josephson. (WEB) 0h 11m I had a sinus infection and looked to Oprah.com for relief.
12/4 “Don’t let scammers and con artists make you their next victim.” 0h 0m Will do. (O)
“Online buyers and sellers, I want you to beware.” Will do. (O)
Because many scammers are sending around fake Oprah offers/sweepstakes, Ms. W said, “So, always check our website to confirm if an offer is the real thing.” (SHOW)
12/4 “Go to theoprahstore.com today” (SHOW) 0h 2m I went.
12/5 “A panini maker is the thing to have.” (SHOW) 70.85 0h 45m I bought this but we didn’t use it until May 2009.
12/9 And finally, an assignment about tomorrow’s rerun: “Call your best friend and watch this together.” (SHOW) 0h 5m Called. Watched.
12/11 Makeup application — received bulk e-mail and was led to info on how to apply on Oprah.com. (WEB) 18.48 1h 0m Didn’t have all the makeup supplies necessary — who knew I needed to shimmer so much over the holidays? (2-for-1 sale at drugstore)
12/17 “Don’t miss the hilarious, Emmy Award–winning 30 Rock.” (SHOW) 0h 0m Already done!
12/19 “Go put your strengths to work.” 0h 0m Oprah is a perfect example of attaining lifelong goals. (O)
And “While you’re waiting on something to happen, you’re waiting on some miracle that’s gonna show itself, and suddenly you don’t have to do it anymore, it’s always waiting on you. The universe is waiting on you.” (SHOW)
12/19 Buy goat milk. Oprah was impressed with it on show about Blue Zones. (SHOW) 3.69 0h 30m I like it!
12/20 Happy Light (WEB) 119.99 0h 15m Feeling down because of Chicago’s gray and miserable winter. I checked out Oprah.com for guidance on picking up my mood. I’ll use it this winter, even when not Living Oprah. (O)
12/20 Refill omega 3 fish oil pills. (SHOW/WEB) 24.61 0h 5m
Dec 23–25, 2009 Christmas gifts for in-laws (created treats from recipes on Oprah’s website). (SHOW/WEB) 177.32 20h 0m Next year, I’m knitting everyone a scarf. I gotta get out of the kitchen.
12/24 Sign up for 2009 Best Life program. (SHOW) 0h 1m I honestly don’t think I’ll be following this once the Living Oprah project ends.
12/25 Green rice. (WEB) 14.23 0h 30m This might have been too exotic for my parents-in-law, although my niece loved it.
12/26 Follow up RealAge test. (WEB) 0h 20m I’m 29.6 in RealAge. That makes me 207.2 in dog years.
Date Assignment Cost Time Notes
Throughout Month Watch every episode of Oprah. (LO) 23h 0m 23 shows
Throughout Month Do Best Life Challenge exercise. (BLC) 6h 0m 80 minutes a week for 4.5 weeks
Throughout Month Take A Course in Miracles. (WEB/SHOW) 7h 45m approx. 15 minutes a day for 31 days
MONTHLY TOTAL 429.17 64h 59m
YEAR-TO-DATE TOTAL 4,781.84 1200h 46m
ONGOING PROJECTS
– “Reinvigorate your appearance with some great advice on how not to look old…”
– “Rethink your eating habits with some absolutely delicious and utterly original meals…”
– Use cloth and reusable bags at grocery store. No more plastic.
– Change lightbulbs to energy-efficient bulbs.
– “I think in terms of investment, it’s the best thing you can ever give yourself is to have beautiful surroundings.”
– “I would just say to anybody, whatever secret you’re holding, live your own truth.”
– Sharon Salzberg meditation
– Make your rooms personal.
– Best Life Challenge exercise and diet guidance
– “I do want you to start thinking about, as I have started thinking about, how much you consume. I mean, like every time you throw away a paper towel. Every time you are, you know, wasteful with food in your house… just think about how much you really need.”
– “Get a lift when you come in the front door.”
– “I want you to savor every meal.”
– “I want you to pay attention to how happy women get that way.”
– A Course in Miracles
– Declutter home/life.
– A New Earth meditation
– “With the arrival of spring, I hope you, too, will reconnect with nature.”
– “When you think that you’re going to get in a car and drive, I want you to think about this mother holding her daughter’s head on the side of the highway. That’s the thought I want to come to your mind before you go to get in the car after having even one drink.”
– “Stop defining yourself by what you see — or think you see — when you look in the mirror.”
– “Everybody think about this: On the way to work or on the way to do whatever you do during the day… how many negative things… the negative tape that’s playing in your head all day long about yourself. I can’t do that, I shouldn’t do that, I’m too fat, oh, look at my thighs…”
– “I think we should be open like Horton.”
– “Alexis Stewart talks candidly about trying to get pregnant on her radio show, Whatever, on Martha Stewart Living Radio. Tune in to follow her progress there.”
– The YOU: Staying Young Aging Quiz
– Learn to accept all people.
– “Stop saying that” (re: using the word “just” to describe ourselves).
– Take Dr. Oz-recommended vitamins and supplements (vitamin D3, folic acid, fish oil)
– Rise and Shine — how to wake up less stressed.
– “Be sure to check him out on XM156, Oprah and Friends, and also on our section of Oprah.com. Keep those questions coming.”
– Ten Secrets to a Better Love Life
– Get Rolfed.
– Burt’s Bees Eye Cream and Ageless Night Cream
– “Going out to work every day, which every man does who is responsible for his family, after a while men feel taken for granted that they are doing that… so there needs to be some acknowledgment of that.”
– “The truth of the matter is, men do need to be made to feel like they’re winners. They do need to have themselves built up.”
– “Go to Oprah.com for more of Suze’s advice on how to survive these tough times.”
– “So if you or somebody you know needs help with addiction and finding treatment in your area, call the National Drug and Alcohol Addiction Hotline.”
– “You have to do your own self-test.” (re: breast self-exam)
– Oprah says we gals are too judgmental of each other and we should support our fellow women instead of criticizing them.
– “One of the reasons I was interested in telling this story on the air is not just for us to be voyeurs, but for each person who is listening today to look in your own life and ask: Who do you need to forgive?”
– “Ask yourself, What can I live without?”
– “We need to shift the way we think about living our lives. And it really is about bringing us all back to living within our means.”
– “Be nice.”
– “Okay, we’re going to stretch” (to release the physical tension that gathers due to stress over money).
– “Vote at the grocery stores” for how I feel about cruelty to farm animals.
– “We need to learn to be more civil to each other.”
– “Ask yourself this, Are you rude?”
– “Be more gracious to everybody.”
– “Find out how to get paid for doing what you love.”
– “Following
your passion, allowing yourself to be paid for what you love will give you a meaningful life.”
– “Do what you love and the money will come.”
– “Love your vulva.”
– Kiss Jim for ten seconds everyday.
– “Live with cellulite. Be happy.”
– “So if somebody shows up at your door and says, ‘Peter sent me,’ do not let them in.”
– “If you’re ready to clean up your messy house… sign up at Oprah.com and join our tour. You’ll receive monthly homework assignments. Don’t overwhelm yourself. Don’t try to turn in your assignments early. Just stay with the program, okay?”
– “So the next time you’re walking down the street and you see someone who looks different, like seven-foot-tall Brendan… don’t just stop and stare or pass by and then, you know, whisper to your friends. What he wants you to do is look him in the eye and say hello.”
– “And what this says, everybody, is that you constantly have to work at it. And the most important thing… is that if you’re thinking that it’s going to just naturally happen, you are mistaken.” (re: sex and long-term relationships)
– “Get rid of your toxic friends.”
Accounting Abbreviations: LO = Living Oprah Project Task, SHOW = The Oprah Winfrey Show, WEB = Oprah.com, MAG = O, The Oprah Magazine, BC = Oprah’s Book Club, BLC = Best Life Challenge, (O) = ongoing project
Blog: Oprah’s weight is back in the news: http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/12/gayle-weighs-in.html
Blog: Christmas: http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/12/still-standing.html and http://www.livingoprah.com/2008/12/let-marathon-commence.html
JANUARY 2009:
Basking in the afterLO
Total hours spent Living Oprah in 2008: 1200 hours, 46 minutes
Total cost of Living Oprah in 2008: $4,781.84
IT IS January 1. I am recovering.
I have been passing the hours plopped listlessly in my living room, watching television and eating as quickly as I want. I am in full schlumpadinka regalia: sock-monkey pajamas, mismatched wool kneesocks, and a sweatshirt that could house a family of four. I’m so comfortable. And to top it off, Jim let me sleep in. When our alarm went off at 8:45 AM this morning so I could watch the first Oprah rerun of 2009, he did a little sanity check with me.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
I whimpered but didn’t fully awaken. He got out of bed and tucked the blankets around me. I don’t remember falling back asleep, but I did wake up at almost 11 AM with a start. The show! I’m missing Oprah!
“Don’t worry,” Jim comforted me. He had recorded the show on our backup VCR so I could watch the tape in my own time.
What a man.
The rest of the day passes without pomp or circumstance. I feel tired. Empty. A little depression creeps in. I’m sure I just need to sleep and all will be better tomorrow.
* * *
It is January 2, 2009. I’m sitting in a café with my laptop.
As hard as I worked on my cozy, fully accessorized home last year, I had to get out of there or I was going to lose my mind. I couldn’t stare at my fabulous chair or the mountain of O magazines in my living room for one moment more. I tossed the trusty old Mac in my backpack and passed by four coffee shops filled to capacity with other people also wielding laptops. There wasn’t an open seat in sight. I laughed because today was supposed to be MY VERY SPECIAL, MONUMENTAL DAY: THE DAY I STARTED WRITING MY FIRST BOOK. It didn’t even occur to me that everyone else might want to start their great American novel, too. Talk about humbling. For a moment, I stood in the cold, the weight of my computer pulling at my shoulders. I watched the writers tap happily on their keyboards as they sipped big-as-your-head lattes. Then I moved on down the street until I finally found a free chair in a giant coffee chain that apparently doubles as a playground.
I’ve been sitting here for about an hour.
My forearms are sticking to the table, and in order to drown out the ambient shrieking I’ve buried my earphones as far into my head as physiologically possible. I haven’t produced a single word. As I stare at the blank screen on my laptop, fingers poised to type the moment I generate some clear thoughts, I replay this morning in my head. When I went through my ritual of showering, making breakfast, and packing Jim’s lunch, I never suspected I would watch Oprah. Yet I still mechanically, unthinkingly turned it on. My father called during the show.
“Dad, can I call you back? The show is on.”
He cleared his throat, “Seriously? Oprah? Is it a new episode?”
“No,” I said, not taking my eyes off the screen. “Rerun. I wasn’t wild about it the first time it aired.”
My father asked, “So why don’t you turn it off?”
I couldn’t come up with an explanation that satisfied either one of us. During the first half of the show I did some dishes and neatened up around the house, but without realizing how I drifted there, I found myself sitting on the couch in front of the TV. I caught myself listening to Oprah with the same rapt attention I had during the project. I was ready to gather every drop of wisdom that spilled from her mouth. I thought I had the strength to turn this part of my mind off when the ball dropped at midnight. I had no idea how difficult it would be to work against the momentum I’d created over the past 366 days.
So I’m freaking out a little bit, and I’m feeling a little less powerful than I did on December 31. Way back then, about 40 hours ago to be exact, I wrote in my journal that I was looking forward to taking my power of choice back and dropping this cloak of conformity. But what I’m finding is, as hard as it was to get comfortable following the leader at the beginning of the project, it’s even more difficult to stop the momentum. I created Living Oprah to explore a very specific type of compliance, but I never thought it might actually stick. I truly didn’t think I’d be susceptible.
Nearby, two women are speaking in voices louder than my earphones can suppress. As if on cue, one woman starts talking about her vision board. She heard about their power on Oprah and by watching The Secret. I feel like I’m being punked and covertly look around to see if my friends are setting me up. She says her mother thinks it goes against their religion to put faith in the boards. I snatch the buds out of my ears. The woman’s companion starts to answer, but the din rises in the café and I can’t hear her response. Screeching children run around, super-powered by the sugar in their hot chocolate. Don’t these rude kids know I’m trying to eavesdrop?
My first day of writing is not fruitful.
It is January 3, 2009. I am at the gym.
Last year, I came to fully appreciate how much regular exercise helps me focus, control my stress, and increase my self-esteem. While I no longer need to follow Bob Greene’s Best Life program, I plan to continue this physical regimen for years to come. This morning I feel great after my workout, and as I change out of my sweaty clothes in the locker room, I overhear the television that hangs in the corner. Two morning news anchors are half joking, half speculating about whether Barack Obama might appoint Oprah as secretary of state. Two elderly women laugh as they peel off their swimsuits.
“Oprah?” one of them says. “She sells flowers and soap. What does she know about government?”
Flowers and soap? Stark naked, I rummage like a madwoman through my gym bag for pen and paper to write down the quote. I’ve never heard anyone trivialize the Queen of Talk in this way. Actually, in my experience, whenever people critique Oprah, they begin their sentence with a qualifier, such as: “Oprah does a lot of good in the world, BUT…” Only after acknowledging Winfrey’s charitable works do they launch into their negative tirade.
Suddenly, I feel weird. I imagine how these women in the locker room would react if they knew I did everything the flower and soap lady told me to do for a whole year. They’d cackle me right out the door.
Later that day.
I am teaching my first yoga class of the year.
I approach a newer student who is
holding tree pose. She’s standing on one foot, her arms reaching skyward. I adjust her posture, guiding her to square off her hips.
She whispers, “Do you think Oprah will ask you to be on her show?”
I step back, shocked. She looks at me expectantly, and I’m at a loss for words, looking around to make certain none of my other students heard her question. I think of yoga class as a sacred space where we can leave our daily lives outside until our practice is complete. It is about each student staying fully focused on the connection between her or his body and mind. It is not the appropriate time to discuss the possibility of television appearances.
“Make certain your breath is full and controlled,” I tell the class, more as a reminder to myself than them.
I am incredibly disappointed at how many people want me to speculate whether I’ll ever meet Oprah, as if meeting Winfrey were the ultimate goal of my project, the blue-ribbon prize for all my effort. I suppose it hurts my delicate little feelings to think that people assume my entire year was a stunt to sit on her couch. I feel it minimizes the investment I made in exploring the cultural phenomenon of women following one celebrity’s lifestyle advice. Also, the question seems absurd. Why would I create a yearlong critique to get into Oprah’s good graces? After all, the results of my project could go either way. If all I wanted was to get on the show, I would have thought up a smarter way to do it. While I have seen guests on Oprah’s show admit that, now that they’ve met her in person, their dreams have come true, that’s never occurred to me. I’ve never based my dreams on the acceptance or acknowledgment of another person.
I don’t know why I’m so sensitive about this. I’ve been just as cynical about others’ ulterior motives. I guess this is a lesson. Judge not, and all that. At the end of yoga class, my students are lying peacefully on their mats and I start biting my cuticles. When did I pick up that disgusting habit? I sit on my hands and decide I’m the tensest yoga teacher this side of the Mississippi. I look at their relaxed bodies and it hits me that I have been wound tightly for too many weeks to count. I need to de-stress.
