I was lucky to still have him. I lost some a part of me with Kai’s death, but I didn’t lose everything the way I would have if it had been Jack.
I love you, Kai. I’m angry that you left the way you did, unannounced, but grateful that you experienced love the way everyone ought to before they pass. You learned what it was like to be loved and, finally, to love.
Chapter 32
Kalel
I mashed my lips together as I looked around Kai’s condo. It had an ultra-modern design with a light, airy feel. Paintings of our home island hung on the walls; the depicted mountains and shorelines were the only color in the otherwise neutral pallet. Oversized pieces of coral stood tall in shiny white vases rising up from the floor. Shells from the shores of our Hawaiian home sat sparingly atop the sleek surfaces.
Every piece in his home had meaning. He treasured our heritage. Though he lived most of his days thousands of miles away, he kept it close. I knew if I turned on the TV, it would give me a live feed of the Hawaiian shores.
I collapsed on the white leather sofa. I closed my eyes, holding back the tears that threatened. How could he leave me like this? Why didn’t he tell me about his plans? Why did he have to be so single-minded, so dedicated to her?
Francesca sat in my lap. She swept a soft hand across my forehead and down my face. She’d been so worried about me. Strain still showed in her features. Her eyes were vast fields of despair. She didn’t know my brother well, but she suffered the loss through me, with me.
“Eat, please.” The plea in her voice, heavy with her Russian accent, was almost enough to break me.
I gazed into her green eyes, lost in the darkness that was stealing their brilliance.
Abruptly, I looked away. “I’m not hungry.”
“Kalel.” Her voice was strong, demanding my attention as she touched my face. A fire burned in her eyes, the smoke disappearing into their depths. “Do not make me lose you too. Your brother would not want you to stop living.”
How could I live with this black hole in my chest? How could I carry on as if he never existed? I couldn’t. He was embedded in me. I was still waiting to argue with his reckless abandon. I was still waiting for him to fall through the door, having done something that I didn’t agree with. I didn’t realize how much my life revolved around him. I never realized how much our lives were enmeshed. He was my brother, my business partner, my best friend. He was everything to me.
Francesca filled the void in many ways, but she would never be Kai. I was facing each new day because of her, because of her insistent strength, but I wasn’t living. I merely existed.
Kai stole the last of my humanity, the last of my drive with his death. How could he be so selfish?
Damn it! Even as I thought it, I knew that wasn’t the truth. He’d done a selfless thing. He’d given up his life for one of my close friends, Kellan. Kellan wasn’t perfect, but he’d impressed me. He had so much potential yet to be uncovered. I just wished my brother didn’t have to sacrifice himself for that to be realized.
Francesca kissed my forehead. “He sacrificed much, Kalel. I do not believe he did it to spite anyone. Rather, he acted with his heart. You must be proud that he acted with his heart for once.”
I was, but it wasn’t enough. That didn’t comfort the piercing pain inside me.
“You must look at his death with pride, not sorrow. He learned the lesson of this lifetime: that love is worth more than life. You cannot be angry with him for that. You cannot skľúčený okolo forever. He would rile you for such weakness, and my Kalel is strong. You are much stronger than this.”
My heart fluttered, my soul lifting at her words. She was right. She usually was. In this moment, she was more than my soul mate; she was my savior. Had I not had her love, I didn’t know where I would be. I would have sunk into a dark abyss, allowing all we worked to create to die with him.
“Come, my love. We will eat and drink in your brother’s honor. We will celebrate his sacrifice rather than mourn his death.” She gazed at me with hope in her eyes. The inflection of her voice told me she was hoping that I would concede.
I couldn’t let her down. My wounds were soul deep. There would be no letting go of him at any time. There would be no getting over his choice. But I could pretend for her; I could try for her. For Francesca…and for Leka.
I could never reveal the depths of my pain. I could never unleash my anger on them for his action. I would have to bury it all with him, deep down inside. I couldn’t allow them to suffer anymore than they already were.
No, I would face tomorrow without him because I had to, because as a warrior, we never stopped fighting because another soldier fell. Rather, we pressed onwards, fighting harder in their honor. We championed together to avenge their death, to praise their sacrifice, to make it worth the suffering, worth the pain to all who knew them.
Vampire or not, they would know my wrath. Those closest to me would never witness it though. I would leave the worst of me on the field, and give the best of me to those at home. Kai would want me to take care of those at home, especially Leka.
***
Lexi
I padded out to the kitchen, the iPod blasting Beyonce’s I Was Here in my ears. Over the course of the past week, I’d slowly tried to switch to uplifting music, positive things that wouldn’t make me remember how he died, but why he chose to die.
It wasn’t easy leaving him behind, compartmentalizing that part of my past. Kai was a much larger part of me, of my life than I realized, than I recognized and accepted. He did so much for me, and then…
Tears burned my dry eyes. I’d cried far too much over the past week, it seemed like enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean. But I couldn’t hold back. The agonizing hollowness in me returned with a vengeance. It was a pain that carved out my soul, dismembered my spirit and left me a shell of a person, merely a mold of who I used to be.
Damn it, Kai!
I slid down the kitchen cabinets, trying to suppress my sobs, trying to silence them as not to prompt Kellan, Drex or Sanders to come for me. I jerked the buds from my ears and tossed them aside, feeling desperate.
My lungs refused to expand, forcing me to gasp for air. The moment the sharp inhalation sounded, both bedroom doors opened.
I pressed my face into my hands and pushed them into my knees the best I could around my belly. Now that they knew I was out here crying though, I didn’t bother to try and hold back. I allowed it to pour from me, as frantic as I felt. It seems like my entire world had been shaken and stirred. I had no control over any aspect of it; at least it felt that way.
I heard Kellan inhale deeply, sharply, exasperatedly, as he entered the kitchen. When all three men stopped their approach, I knew they were silently communicating about me, above me.
Finally, Kellan closed the distance between us. His hand slid between my arms and my face, his fingers resting beneath my chin. He pushed up, forcing me to face him.
“Lexi.” His voice was low and carried a hard plea. The tears fell openly as I looked into his eyes. I was surprised to find a tough glint in them. His sigh was conflicting, both defeated and determined. “We’ve been coddling you, giving you time to heal, but you can’t cry forever. You’ve got to pull it together for me, for yourself, for our baby.” It didn’t matter that his voice was soft, his tone was firm.
“Fucking idiot,” Drexel whispered, growling under his breath.
I was slightly stunned. I knew my tears began to slow as I stared back into his earnest eyes. He really believed it was that easy. He really thought that I was being dramatic, drawing it out on purpose.
My upset morphed into anger. I mashed my lips together, swallowing the serum as it reached higher in my throat. I felt it coursing through my veins before Kellan jerked his hand away. I leaned onto the cabinets, using them as leverage to stand.
“Shit,” Sanders’ word was a bark. They knew what Kellan had done, even when he didn’t.
Tears continued to burn the b
ack of my eyes as I faced him. They said that a tragedy would either push a couple together, make them stronger, or it would destroy them. The darkness inside me grew as I was forced to face the truth.
Kellan seemed confused as I glared at him. His eyes traveled up and down my body, illuminated by anger. I felt threatened, or else I wouldn’t have lit up. I felt overwhelmed and uncertain, or else I wouldn’t have lit up. Your soul mate, the love of your life, was supposed to comfort you in times of sorrow, and was supposed to support you, hold you up, when you couldn’t hold yourself up. He was supposed to be the yin to my yang, keeping me perfectly balanced. He was supposed to be so much more.
Maybe that was my mistake though. I loved Kellan as he was, but still expected more from him. I couldn’t expect him to change. You can’t force change. He had to want to change. He had to want to be different. And as much as he said he wanted to be, it was obvious by his actions he wasn’t ready.
The problem was that I was ready for change. Kai made me realize that even though I was immortal, my days were still numbered. I didn’t want to spend them with someone who didn’t appreciate me, who didn’t understand me. Kellan had comforted me and been there for me, but that was during the aftermath, when the shock was fresh, when the knowledge of what he almost lost was fresh. Now, now he’d snapped.
I didn’t deserve to have my character questioned. Who drew out sorrow? Who wanted to live a pity party for the rest of their life? In truth, I wanted them to just leave me alone. Let me grieve in peace. Let me be. Let me let go of Kai in my own way, on my own terms.
I knew Kellan saw the fire blazing in my eyes as I speared him with my eyes. “Go,” I clipped.
“Lexi, think about this, babe. You’re just a little emotional. I’m only…”
“Go! I don’t want an asshole for a fiancé. I don’t want someone who insinuates that I’m crying for attention rather than from a broken heart. I don’t want someone who’s going to yell at me, who’s going to treat me less than how I deserve to be treated. I love you.” The tears welled, front and center, but I pushed forward. “God, I love you, but you clearly can’t handle that love. Everyone was right. You really are too immature for love. Your head is stuck so far up your own ass you can’t even recognize the obvious pain in my eyes. You don’t see anything you don’t want to see, Kellan, and I’m done.
“I’m done trying to open your eyes. I’m done trying to excuse your behavior. Everyone has something in their past to regret, everyone has some sort of hang-up. You’re no exception, and I refuse to be your exception to the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated. If you can’t love me through this, then I don’t want your love when I’m through this.”
My hands shook as tears trailed down my face. I struggled to tug the ring off my finger. Noticing I was still glowing, I set it on the counter. “Please go. Baby or not, I’m done, Kellan.”
I couldn’t even look at him as I moved past him, heading straight for the bedroom. The tremors got worse as I closed the door, Beyonce still sounding from the iPod on the floor in the kitchen.
My flesh was numb as I slid down the door, barely feeling the shock spark me when I brushed up against the doorknob. My outside was anesthetized, but my inside was swirling with potent emotions that had my body shutting down, my spirit wilting, my heart pounding, bordering on a human heart attack. My pulse thundered, echoing in my ears as I fought for air.
Too much was escaping me though. Air kept whooshing out, taking vital pieces of me with it. I heard the blood rushing through my veins, I felt the pounding of my heart against my chest wall, I felt my lungs expanding, sending much needed oxygen to the baby, but I didn’t feel right. My body was only functioning out of necessity. I was reacting; my body was reacting to the feelings I couldn’t even name.
I felt everything inside me moving, yet I felt so empty, as if nothing should be left.
I didn’t know how much time passed before exhaustion seeped into my limbs. My heart slowed, my pulse quieted as I lay, curled on my side, on the cold floor. The cool, hard surface was the only thing that assured me I hadn’t died, that I was still physically here.
My thoughts began to slow; the pain that brought me to my knees so often was receding, disappearing briefly under the cloud of fatigue. I wrapped my arms around my belly, cradling my unborn baby boy the only way I could and apologizing the best I could, silently.
My eyelids fell, the weight of them making it impossible to open them. With my eyes closed and my body tired and worn, I was able to let go; I was forced to let go. And, for the first time in a week, calm washed over me. And if I tried hard enough, I could almost sense Kai cuddling me, comforting me from beyond. Peace. He was offering me peace in the midst of the storm. God, I missed him so much!
Chapter 33
Kellan
I pounded on Craig’s door. When the door jerked open, I saw the shock on his face for a split second before I pushed past him entering his condo.
I scrubbed my face with one hand, tugging on my roots with the other. I couldn’t fucking calm down. I’d finally done it.
I’d been a fucking idiot. I could put two and two together. Judging by Lexi’s words, the looks I’d received over the past week finally made sense. Everyone thought it really should have been me to die. Kai’s sacrifice seemed to highlight all of my flaws. People seemed capable of judging me openly now that I’d narrowly escaped fate, now that someone else had sacrificed in my place.
They acted as if I chose this.
I sighed, the fight leaving me. I was done being angry. Anger did nothing but destroy the ones closest to me. Anger got me in trouble. Anger ruined me as a man and made me a sloppy vamp.
“Why the blunder, mate?” Craig eyed me with concern and compassion. He and my parents were the only ones still offering me a bit of respect.
I threw down the ring on his coffee table, the truth of its possession saying what I couldn’t. Seeing it there between us stirred up everything I’d struggled to bury on my way here.
I glowered at the ring. How could a single item hold so much meaning? Emotions boiled inside me, rapidly rising to the surface. I focused on trying to keep them down, on trying to hold back all that was on the verge of erupting from within me.
It wasn’t working though.
My chest constricted as tears stung my eyes. The moment I recognized their presence, the red drops were already sliding down my cheeks. Fuck!
It was finally hitting me. I hated their looks because it was how I’d come to look at myself lately. I knew my mistakes better than anyone. I knew better than all of them how little I deserved her; how I didn’t deserve his sacrifice either. Her words today proved it.
“Ah, fuck, mate.” Craig threw his arms around me.
I crumbled, unable to hold back. I threw my arms around him, squeezing him to me. Maybe it should have been me that died. Fate had a reason for everything; escaping it didn’t change its intentions, the harrowing honesty of it. As much as I hated to admit it, he had treated her well. He’d treated her better than I did.
Fuck. How could you so easily destroy the person you loved the most? Why was it so easy to lash out at her? Why did I hurt her instead of a stranger? Why did I unleash my darkness on the purest light in my life? God, I was so fucked up. I’d completely bashed her love. I’d stomped on it every time I yelled at her. I’d stabbed her heart with a sharp knife every time I kept something from her. I’d been such a bastard.
She wasn’t perfect. She’d made her fair share of mistakes, particularly with Kai. But I couldn’t blame her. I would run to him too, especially after I treated her like she was an afterthought.
I trembled in Craig’s tight grasp as the aftermath of my destruction settled over me. I’d taken a once strong vampeen and reduced her to an insecure little girl. My anger, my lack of control, had done that.
Sobs heaved from within me. My lungs struggled to expand under the weight of my past, under the weight of all I’d been gambling.
Why the fuck wasn’t I thinking? How could I risk her like that? How could I treat her like trash and then expect her to love me the same, to not run to him?
Just as I had scars from my past, she had scars from me. Only hers went deeper than pride. Her kissing Kai only hurt my pride as her man, as the one she’d ultimately chosen. My outbursts reduced her, my rugged clips dug into her; they sent her crawling back into her human shell, questioning herself, questioning her worth.
Worse, I did it while she was pregnant. I did it to her while she was carrying my child. She was doing the most selfless act, showing me the greatness of her love in creating and nurturing a baby with me, but I threw it in her face. Fuck. I was in deep. I’d really messed up this time, and for once, I didn’t know if she would forgive me.
My actions had finally caught up with me. My past had finally taken a chunk out of my present. I was going to lose the only one who ever accepted me as I was. I was going to lose my reason for living. I was going to lose everything I wanted in life, but had been too ignorant and stupid to appreciate.
“I’ve lost her, man,” I cried.
“You gubbed it up, mate. But she loves you. Her pitter won’t patter without you. You got to have faith. You got to bend down and have faith in her love for you.” He patted my back, pulling back to look me in the eye. “Stop blubbering like a doll and grow a pair, mate. She doesn’t want a schlep; she wants the man she knows you are. The girl looks at you like you’re a slicken god. Give her time, and then bop her flippers off. You got this, Kel.”
I swallowed hard, trying to suppress my harsh emotions. I knew he was right. I knew I needed to just give her time and then go in swinging. I’d have to leave everything on the table and prove to her that I was still worth something. I couldn’t lose her, because if I lost her, then I lost my son too. The idea of losing them brought me to my knees, but actually losing them for good would be the stake to my heart that killed me; her back would burn in my consciousness as she walked away.
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