“For sure,” Kristy said. “But where do we—” Before she could finish her sentence, Kristy’s head disappeared under the gloop with a loud smacking noise and a few pudding bubbles.
“Kristy!” Penn cried out. He was about to dive in after her, when he felt something tug at his leg. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes just as something pulled him under, sticky pudding covering his face. Sticky pudding closing out the sky above him.
Penn felt himself being pulled down, down, down. He kept his eyes and mouth closed so the lake of dessert wouldn’t blind or choke him, but the pudding definitely got into his nose.
Who—or what—was pulling him? Where was it taking him?
After what seemed like forever but also only a second, Penn heard and kind of felt a loud sluuuuurrrrrpp noise, and then he hit the ground. He looked around and saw that they were in a room.
“Ahhhhhh!” Penn and Kristy yelled in unison, gasping for air. They were lying on a wooden floor that was painted in a bright daisy pattern. Penn traced the petals with his pudding-covered fingers, trying to make sense of where he was.
“Children!” A loud, singsongy voice cut through Penn’s haze. “Are you okay?! I’m so sorry I had to pull you down like that without asking first!”
Penn wiped the pudding from his eyes and sat up. He was met with a sight that was both peculiar and wonderful: It was a grown man… and he was not a Grabagorn!
“I didn’t want those grabagoons to catch you,” he said. The man was tall, with a dark complexion like Penn’s and kind eyes. He wore vibrant purple pants and a paisley-patterned shirt of rainbow colors that was bedazzled with the word Turdgon. The man licked a glob of pudding splatter off his arm and reached out to Penn and Kristy.
“Why does your shirt say Turd gun?” Penn asked, grabbing onto the man’s hand and pulling himself to his feet. He tried not to giggle.
“Excuzay you! It’s pronounced Tur-jon!” Turdgon said in a French accent, hand to his chest. “And it’s my name. Turdgon, the Pudding Man.”
“It sounds fancy,” Kristy said. “Nice to meet you, Tur-Jon. My name’s Kristy and this is Penn.” She wrung out her hair, and pudding rained onto her boots. “And I’m very impressed by Pudding Lake. It smells great and tastes like bananas—”
“Plantains, babygirl,” Turdgon corrected. He motioned to Penn and Kristy to follow him. “Let’s get you cleaned off.” He led them into a cozy room shaped like a dome. “Just step through the washtube.”
He stepped through first and Penn followed. The ceiling was a big skylight, offering an under-pudding view. Before Penn knew what was happening, a spray of water covered his face and clothes, and then soap, and then more water, and then his entire body was blow-dried.
“Wow!” he said, stepping into the next room.
“It’s a human trolley wash,” Turdgon said with a smile. “Cool, huh?”
Penn heard a thump from the washtube ceiling, so he stepped back and looked up to see a very fat polka-dot fish staring at him. The fish looked dazed. It shook it off and swam-waddled away.
“Fluffing amazing!” Kristy said, when she stepped out of the washtube.
This room had a small dining alcove in the corner. On the table, there was a bowl of fresh pudding covered in frilly swirls of whipped cream along with rainbow sprinkles, chocolate sauce, and bright red cherries.
“Yummy!” Kristy exclaimed. It had been so long since they’d eaten. Even though they had just been covered in the stuff, the pudding still looked scrumptious. Penn and Kristy slid into the booth as Turdgon served them. They dug in. It tasted even better than when they were swimming in it.
“So what brings you two to Pudding Lake?” Turdgon moved about, bringing more snacks to the table. “Why were you being chased? Who was trying to snatch you?! Tell me all the things!”
“Well, we’ve been on an adventure,” Kristy explained. She patted Penn’s blue shoulder. “Penn here rescued me and my fellow Rainbow Knights from a Grabagorn pit!”
Turdgon grabbed Kristy’s hand. “What were you doing in North Greemulax?” His eyes went wide and then darted to Penn. “And you’re a North Greemulax escapee? That explains the Grabagorn hands and ear, then.”
Penn hid his hands in his lap and bowed his head. He still hated the ugly things. He couldn’t hide his good-for-nothing ear, though. “I’ve already started to transformate—”
“But he doesn’t want to!” Kristy interrupted. She smiled warmly at Penn. “He’s different.”
“So was I.” Turdgon nodded his head. “That’s why I escaped North Greemulax when I was your age.”
“You did? How? Did you find the Lemon Bubble?” Penn wanted to ask a million questions all at once. He concentrated on listening, so he could hear the answers.
Turdgon held his finger up to signal that he needed a moment and disappeared into the other room.
Suddenly, a set of red velvet curtains closed as if Penn and Kristy were the only guests at an exclusive dinner theater show. The lights dimmed and a low, sorrowful tune began to play. The curtains opened and a spotlight appeared. Turdgon stepped into it, wearing a shimmery blue cape trimmed in brown fur. His big eyes were filled with despair. He started singing:
“As a boy, he knew he had to flee.
He felt the monster inside him, you see.
But he didn’t want to turn all the way blue.
There was a glimmer of a glow in there, too!”
Turdgon continued to sing the story of how he escaped North Greemulax, delivering each line with flourish and flair. Turdgon had been raised in North Greemulax, long before the Great Scorch. He’d always preferred to spend his days with the women rather than fighting and hanging out in the Man Caves with most of the other boys. He felt safe there, like he belonged. He could be strong, but he could also be sensitive and silly and completely fabulous. A few of the other boys also preferred to spend their time away from the caves, and Turdgon soon became best friends with a boy named Mandora. They spent their days singing songs, sewing clothes, and being friendly with the Grabagorns inside them but ignoring them when they got too monstery.
But the older men thought that all boys should embrace and feed their inner Grabagorn and let it take over. They separated Turdgon and the other boys from their mothers and sisters, except at mealtimes. Turdgon was miserable. He missed his friends and he hated being forced to fight all day.
So when Turdgon overheard the women planning the Grape Escape, he raced to find Mandora. Then the two boys hatched their own plan. They were going to escape, too! They knew not to drink the grape juice that fateful night, so they would dump theirs into the dirt. When all the other men fell asleep, they would follow the women. They would never be ruled by their monstery sides again.
“So they did!” Turdgon did a little twirl and posed, delivering his last stanza.
“Turdgon and Mandora lived happily ever after,
Having escaped from a life of disaster.
Loving their lair below the Pudding Lake,
A sparkly life they did maaaayayayayyaaaaake!”
The last word hung in the air for a moment. Then Turdgon dipped into a deep bow. The curtains closed and the spotlight went out. Penn and Kristy stood, erupting into applause.
“That was brilliant!” Kristy said, smiling from ear to ear.
Turdgon reappeared, without his blue cape. “Thank you. I do love a good one-person show.”
“Where’s Mandora?” Kristy asked. “Can we meet him?”
“Oh, no, Ginger, Mandora’s at work. He’s a candystruction worker. You know the Marzipan Dam? He made that.”
While Turdgon and Kristy talked about where Mandora was, Penn tried to clean himself up. The washtube was clearly not made for Grabagorns. His hairy Grabagorn hands were now crusted with dried pudding. He found the sink.
As Penn tried to scrub the crispy bits off, the smell hit him and he suddenly remembered something strange. It was a small nagging thought, bubbling to the surface from somewhere
deep. “Being covered in this stuff kinda reminds me of a dream I used to have all the time when I was younger,” he said. He glanced over his shoulder. Turdgon and Kristy were now rapt with attention.
“I love it when people tell me their dreams,” Kristy said. “Were you flying? Or were you in your room but it didn’t look like your room, but you still knew it was your room? Or did you get an A+ on your history homework?”
Penn continued. “I was swimming, but the water was really… goopy or something. And everything around me looked huge. Or I was really tiny… and there was a woman carrying me through the goopy water. I think it was a woman. Then, out of nowhere… a monster would grab me!”
Turdgon gasped through a bite of pudding. Some sprinkles fell out onto his chin. “What happened next?!”
Penn shrugged. “I don’t know. I always woke up at that part. Pretty weird, huh?”
“That sounds a lot like Pudding Lake,” Kristy said. “Doesn’t it, Tor-zhawn?” She made the name sound extra French.
Turdgon nodded in agreement. “I know pudding when I hear about it,” he replied. “And I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe your dream was based on real life.”
“But how? I’ve never been to Pudding Lake until today.” Penn’s neck began to feel prickly, like Kristy had described before. It didn’t feel good. “Have I?”
“Oh, you poor child!” Turdgon cried. He sprang forward and pulled Penn into a big bear hug. Penn’s face squished into the paisley fabric of Turdgon’s shirt. So this was a hug? Weird. It was like a chest bump, but didn’t feel as lame. He relaxed into it. “It’s a shame that you have to hear this from Turdgon, since I can’t stand telling people sad things. But… during the Grape Escape, some of the women tried to swim across Pudding Lake with their baby sons. They wanted to save them from growing up in a place that didn’t let them be their whole selves, but Grabagorn Prime’s goons… well, they wouldn’t let that happen. They followed the women and ripped the little babies from their arms!” Turdgon let out a huge, dramatic sob.
Kristy caught Penn’s eye as Turdgon released him. Penn was frozen.
Kristy passed Turdgon a pink velvet hankie. He sniffed loudly. “Thank you. Giving bad news is exhausting!” He leaned on Kristy as he lowered himself back into his chair. “Don’t make me do it again, kids.”
Kristy whispered to Penn, “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry!” Penn exclaimed. “That wasn’t bad news. It was amazing news. It was the best news I’ve ever heard.” He stood up straighter. In fact, Penn felt as if he would float off into the sky if he wasn’t beneath a lake of plantain-flavored dessert right now.
“But how, child?” sniffed Turdgon. “I just told you that you were ripped from your mother’s arms.” He sobbed again.
“Exactly. And that means she could still be alive!” Penn ran over to Kristy. He didn’t want to waste another moment. “Come on! We have to go find those Lemon Bubbles right now. If I transformate into a full Grabagorn before we find her, she might never recognize me.”
“Good point,” Turdgon said.
“Very good point,” Kristy agreed. “We have to trolley on out of here. Or at least swim.”
Turdgon checked his puddinscope to make sure Brandon and Landon were no longer lurking around, then quickly packed up some provisions and handed them Dum Dum’s Guide to the Forest of Candy, Updated Edition. “I’ve heard that rumor about Lemon Bubbles. It hasn’t made it to Dum Dum yet, though. But I believe in candy.”
Turdgon showed Penn and Kristy how to avoid the pudding and get out through a tunnel.
“Thank you for your help,” Kristy said.
“You’re the best,” Penn said. “And—”
“Oh, stop,” he said, waving away their compliments.
Penn stopped.
“No, no, no, figure of speech, keep going,” Turdgon said, shimmying his shoulders.
“Thank you for telling me the truth about my dream. When I was a kid I asked the older Grabagorns what my dream meant, and they just told me to do more Garate so I’d sleep harder and stop having dumb dreams.”
Turdgon patted his head awkwardly. “You’re still a kid.”
Penn sniffled and looked away. “Is there anything you want from the Forest of Candy?” he asked. He thought it was only polite to offer, after everything Turdgon had done for them.
“Well, if you don’t mind… Mandora and I do love those Fudgy Finches. They make you fly! We tried them once and it was a real hoot. We raced the trolleys but crashed one into a—” Turdgon stopped himself. “Actually, you don’t need to know that part.”
“One bag of Fudgy Finches coming right up!” Kristy said, pulling out her map. “Thanks again, Turgaloo!” She skipped ahead, clearly feeling happy now that they were full of yummy pudding and on their way again. But Penn had only taken a few steps before Turdgon caught up with him.
“Penn, wait! Be careful in South Greemulax. Those dragons are scary. And while they are on decent terms with the womenfolk community, they do not like people in general. Especially part-Grabagorns!” Turdgon shuddered at the thought of it.
“Will do.” Penn gave the Pudding Man a nod and a salute to reassure him. But deep down, Penn was scared. Of the dragons. Of the Grabagorns. And of not getting to the Lemon Bubbles in time. He wanted to meet his mother. He just hoped it wasn’t too late to find her.
The map was looking a little worse for wear after being drenched in all that pudding, but at least Kristy and Penn had finally crossed over into South Greemulax.
“I think we’re almost there!” Kristy pointed to the paper to show Penn the route they’d been walking. She traced her finger along the green path, past the stained dragon, and over to the picture of Lollicrunchies and Peppermint Pops sticking out of the grass. “See? The Forest of Candy awaits!”
“Really? That’s great,” Penn said absentmindedly. Ever since Turdgon had suggested that Penn’s dream was real, Kristy could tell Penn was nervous. It was sweet how excited he was to look for his mother. As an orphan herself, Kristy had always longed for her parents. She understood.
They crept along the path as quietly as possible. According to Kristy’s Rainbow Knight handbook, dragons had a horrible sense of smell (due to all that constant fire and smoke). As long as she and Penn didn’t make any noise, maybe the dragons wouldn’t even notice that they were nearby.
Everything was going perfectly until Penn whispered, “Oh no.”
Kristy looked back to see what was wrong.
“I have to boof,” Penn said.
Kristy didn’t know what that meant.
“All that pudding,” Penn explained. “I have to rip one.”
“Oh, you have to toot?”
“Toot?” He laughed a little, and then a look of alarm crossed his face and he forced himself to stop.
“Can’t you hold it?” Kristy whispered fiercely.
“Boys are born without that muscle. We learned about it in Fart Class.”
“I think we call that Biology. And that is not true.” Kristy sighed and shook her head. “I never thought I’d say this, but come on, Silent but Deadly. Come on, Silent but Deadly.”
Kristy could see that Penn was concentrating hard to let his gas out flat and sideways. But it got away from him, and right at the end he let out a high-pitched fffffffyorp that sounded like someone letting go of a balloon.
Penn giggled and high-fived himself out of habit. Then he remembered to be scared.
Kristy and Penn froze in place.
Silence.
Then: “RRRROOOAAAARRR!” The growl boomed through the forest as the air began to smell of burning wood. The dragons had heard them. There was no time to make another plan. They just had to find cover—fast.
“Penn!” Kristy yelled as she darted through the trees. “Hide!”
“But only a Grabagorn can beat a dragon!” Penn yelled back as a fireball careened toward his left shoulder.
“You’re not a full Grabagorn yet!�
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“I’ve been preparing for this moment my whole life,” he panted. He spun around and held his hands in a Garate stance, but the seat of his pants was already on fire. “Ahhhh!” Penn screamed, trying to put the flames out against a mossy tree trunk.
“Just hide!” Wow, maybe Graba-boys really were as dense as X said they were. Kristy scanned ahead for a cave or a boulder, or anything to crouch under. But all she saw were spindly trees that provided little cover. Kristy glanced quickly over her shoulder as she ran, but Penn was gone.
The dragons growled again, breathing fire onto the treetops as they swooped down. Kristy could feel the heat on the top of her head, but she didn’t look up. She just kept running.
By the time she reached a clearing in the woods, she was trapped. Dragons were approaching from every direction! Except they looked much smaller than she thought they would—about the size of a cute pony. But they were still scary with their shimmering scales, big, big yellow eyes, and pointy teeth. And the flames-pouring-out-of-their-faces thing.
Kristy jumped behind the largest tree trunk she could find and crouched down low, watching the dragons as they landed one by one and stood in a circle. There were five of them. They seemed to be calming down from their fiery outburst, but Kristy had every intention of staying where she was until they went away. She spotted Penn by another tree and motioned for him to get low. They just needed to keep quiet, and everything would be fine. They’d be back on the path to Lemon Bubbles in no time.
“Stay back, dragons!” Penn shouted as he ran out into the clearing. “Or I’ll Roundpit you!” He spun around really fast, then ran forward and kicked the air with a grunt. He looked like a dog chasing its tail and then giving up. These were the famous Garate moves that would supposedly defeat a dragon?
The dragons just looked at him, and one of them started making a high-pitched “Hee-hee-rawr” sound. Kristy covered her ears. Then the rest of the dragons joined in.
“Hee-hee-rawr! Hee-hee-rawr! Hee-hee-rawr!” One doubled over, then leaned on another in a familiar way.
The Legends of Greemulax Page 6
