by Pieter Lars
She shook her head. “No. I just passed out some fliers that told people to call me before calling the humane society. If they get called they’ll just put the bunnies to sleep. At least I’m sparing their lives!”
Tom nodded. “Alright. You convinced me. Besides, they are kind of cute. Take the camera closer so I can see one of them.”
The camera jiggled as she carried over to the bunny cages. The bunny inside looked up at her with glossy eyes. Its ears were flopped down around its face and its little nose was wriggling side to side, the whiskers shivering in the air as it sniffed.
“Awww,” Tom said. It was pretty cute. Nothing about it screamed danger. It was the kind of rabbit that magicians pulled out of their hats. Pure white and adorable.
“What’s that around its neck?” Tom asked.
“Oh. That’s its collar. I named this one Mister Alfred Louis Munchkin the Third.”
“You bought collars for them?”
“No, not all of them. Not yet. I ran out of money.”
Samantha panned the camera back and Tom saw that half the rabbits had pink or blue collars with shiny tags dangling from them.
“Let me see Mister Munchkin again,” he said.
She brought the camera closer.
The bunny on screen wiggled a couple inches towards the camera and wiggled its nose.
“Hey, little guy!” Tom said in his best singsong voice. “You’re a cute one, aren’t you?”
Alfred Louis Munchkin the Third pulled its head back. It sniffed at the air once, twice, three times, then opened its mouth to reveal razor sharp fangs. They were half an inch long and as sharp as needles.
Alfred Louis Munchkin the Third lunged at the camera and Samantha pulled it back. “No,” she said. “Bad Munchkin. It’s not dinner time yet.”
“Holy crap!” Tom yelled. “That thing has huge teeth!”
“Yeah, they hurt like heck when they get you.”
“Well, be careful,” Tom said. “Please.”
“I will,” Samantha replied.
They said their goodbyes and Tom turned toward his stack of graph paper. He wasn’t sure what the best defense against killer bunnies would be, aside from the neck armor. They were only dangerous if you let them get close.
So maybe he needed to think offensively. A weapon you could use from a distance. Something you could throw, maybe?
He drew a picture of a hand-grenade.
It couldn’t be lethal though. Samantha would get mad at him.
So maybe it released some kind of gas. Pheromones.
No, that would only make the bunnies more likely to breed. They didn’t need more of them.
OK, so a two-stage time-release gas grenade. The first state would release the pheromones and then, while the bunnies were busy getting….amorous, the second stage would release.
Some sort of tranquilizer gas. They could just round up the sleeping bunnies and put them in cages.
That way, everyone was happy, most of all Samantha.
He added his notes and some more details to the picture, drawing a little cross-shaped handle where you could grip the grenade and arm it.
Not bad!
4
Super-Villain Moon Ray
Since they were in the wrong time zone, nobody in the NEA training camp even noticed the moon laser until late that evening. The island was pretty much cut off from the rest of the world, so Tom and the rest of the group weren’t caught up on the news.
He was walking to the cafeteria when he saw a group of trainees standing outside staring at the sky. He walked up and joined them.
“What are you all look-” he started.
There was a bright flash from the moon, following by a beam of orange light that streaked across the sky.
“Whoah,” someone said. “It’s getting closer.”
“You think that was Fairbanks?” someone else asked.
“Fairbanks, Alaska?” Tom asked. “What’s going on?”
Someone gripped his shoulder. He looked up to see Jason standing next to him, with a concerned expression on his face. “Don’t worry, Tom. He’s attacking the major cities. We have nothing to worry about.”
“Wait, who’s doing what?”
“Oh, right,” Jason said. “You all haven’t seen the broadcasts yet. Follow me.”
The man on camera wore a metal mask that resembled a skull, obviously ripped off from some comic book. He spoke through a modulator that made his voice sound robotic and monotone.
“YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU DOWNSIZED MY DEPARTMENT,” the man said. “ALASKA IS ONLY THE FIRST TARGET. YOU SHALL SOON SEE THE TRUE-”
The modulator cut off mid-word, but the masked man didn’t seem to notice. “-power of my doomsday device,” he finished
The effect was much less intimidating when you could hear his nasally voice. He sounded more like an assistant principal than some evil genius with an apocalypse machine.
“Who is that?” Tom asked.
“His name is Earl Smothers. He was section chief over one the NEA particle accelerators. Probably the one outside Fairbanks, judging by his target.”
“Wait, if you know who he is then why is he bothering with the mask and the voice modulator?”
Jason shrugged. “Probably thinks it looks cool. Problem is he keeps having to lift the mask to blow his nose, and he must have bought a discount modulator. It keeps cutting out like that. Doesn’t matter though. His laser works fine. According to our office in Fairbanks, the beam is so hot that people are starting to get rashes.”
Tom laughed. “So all he’s doing is giving people rashes? Judging by the theatrics you would think the laser was leveling whole cities.”
“Oh, that’s because he thinks he’s leveling whole cities. Someone in our public affairs department is a whiz at computer generated graphics. He created some videos showing cities on fire and people running around screaming. We’re broadcasting them on our news channels, which good old Earl is picking up in his moon base. So he thinks he’s just leveled half of Alaska, but all he’s really done is made the pharmacies busier.”
“I’m really confused. How the heck does this guy have a moon base?”
“Yeah, that’s the bummer part. It’s an NEA moon base. One of them, anyway. He’s been really active on some forums, and apparently convinced a whole bunch of the crew up there to join him. Most of them were internet trolls and conspiracy theorists, which is why they were stationed up there in the first place, so it probably wasn’t all that difficult. But he’s got a small army now.”
“And a rash laser,” Tom said with a chuckle.
“Yeah, only he really is a genius, and there’s enough material up in that base to build a real death laser. It’s funny now, but I don’t want to think about what he’s actually capable of.”
Tom swallowed. “What do you mean?”
“Well, he’s the one who figured out the time-stream stuff with the particle accelerators…”
“The time-stream stuff? What’s that?”
“Oh, right. You don’t have the clearance for that yet. If you pass the rest of the field training, which you should,” Jason nudged him, “then you’ll get to tour one of our colliders. It’s pretty interesting stuff. Very technical. And Earl was the smartest engineer we had until he started to go a bit nuts. We’re hoping he stays nuts. If he realizes what he could make with all the base’s tech, we’ll be in a lot more trouble.”
Tom shook his head. “I’m not really following all that.”
“You shouldn’t be anyway. It’s classified.”
“OK, so...what’s the apocalypse this week? I haven’t seen the forecasts.”
Jason shrugged. “That’s it, I guess. The rash laser. Nothing else is erupting as far as we can tell.”
“So the apocalypses just stopped for the week?”
“Yeah, pretty much. But having an evil genius in charge of a moon base with enough tech to disintegrate the whole world is a much bigger deal than you’re making i
t out to be.”
This was confirmed the next morning when the evacuation alarm sounded. Tom bolted from his bunk and ran outside to find the camp in chaos. Instructors were shouting commands, but the recruits were all half-asleep, wandering around in confusion.
“Tom!” Someone shouted. He looked over to see Jason standing in his boxer shorts. He had one sock flopping off the end of his foot, but the other was nowhere to be seen.
Tom walked over to stand beside him. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Look at the horizon.”
Tom looked out over the camp’s pier. The horizon glowed orange, like sunrise, but it was just after midnight.
“Get the rest of the squad over to the cafeteria,” Jason said. “I’m going to go see what’s happening.”
The fact that Jason didn’t already know was a bit concerning to Tom, but he did as he was told. Within five minutes he, Felipe, Hector, Melissa, and Gordon were all seated on one of the cafeteria’s long tables.
He saw Jason standing at the back of the room in a huddled conversation with the other instructors. They were also in their pajamas. Jason said something, then shrugged. He walked over to one of the television screens mounted on the wall and turned it on.
Earl Smothers’ face appeared on screen. He had forgone the mask and his face was just as pinched and nasally as you would imagine. He was older than Tom had thought. Gray hair curled in wisps around his bald crown, but his goatee was mysteriously jet black. Why would he dye his goatee, but not his hair?
Earl pushed his glasses up his nose, squinted at the camera, and spoke: “I told you all this was coming. I found your stupid video loop. You thought you could trick me with that? All you did was hasten your demise! I have perfected a new particle accelerator. One that will change the weekly apocalypses into-”
The television cut off. At first Tom thought Jason had shut it off, or one of the other instructors, but they all looked just as confused.
What was that talk about the weekly apocalypses? Tom thought. What would they turn into? Daily apocalypses? And what did a particle accelerator have to do with any of it?
He thought about asking Jason, or one of the other instructors, but was sure they’d just tell him it was classified.
Tom knew a man named Tobias who believe in conspiracies. Tobias had once asked Tom how the NEA could possibly know which apocalypses would arrive each week, and how they always seemed prepared for them in advance.
It was a pretty good question, but not one that Tom had spent a lot of time thinking about. But knowing that the crazy creeper on the moon base was once an NEA employee changed things a bit.
Was it possible that the NEA had somehow caused the weekly apocalypses?
As a kid he and all the other kids his age had been taught that nobody knew what had caused them. Religious cults had their own explanations, obviously, but the secular explanation was very scientific: not enough data.
So the NEA received a huge boost in funding, ultimately becoming the bureaucratic behemoth that it was now. The behemoth that Tom desperately wanted to work for.
No use asking questions then. Nobody wants to be a square peg.
Jason came over to their table. “OK, squad,” he said. “Got some bad news. Training is over for now.”
Hector and Gordon gasped. Melissa shook her head angrily. Felipe sputtered something in protest, but his mouth was full of chocolate chip cookie.
“What do you mean, over?” Tom asked.
“I mean they’re suspending the course. They’re sending in helicopters to ship you all back home.”
“Are you serious?” Melissa shouted. “What the hell? When do we get to come back?”
Jason frowned. He had worry lines around his eyes, and his face was that of the messenger who is really hoping he isn’t killed.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I wish I could tell you more. I really do, but I have my own bosses and right now they’re telling us to ship everyone home. If it makes you feel any better our squad has the most points out of all of them. You were for sure going to pass the field exams.”
“That doesn’t make us feel better at all!” Felipe shouted.
Tom took a deep breath and let it out. He had been so excited about this opportunity, and had really thrived at NEA camp. But he really missed Samantha. If the universe had decided that an NEA job just wasn’t in the cards for him, then so be it. He could make a life for himself in Phoenix. Maybe not the most exciting life, but a life.
“Thanks for being such a good squad leader, Jason,” Tom said. He realized that tears were forming in the corners of Jason’s eyes. Tom reached over to pat him on the shoulder. “Hope we made you proud.”
“You did!” Jason sobbed. “So proud! Come in for a hug.”
The squad stood from their chairs and circled around Jason, squeezing each other tight.
Tom didn’t really know any of them all that well, but after that first week in the woods with the werewolves, he felt like they were his brothers and sisters. He really hoped they would be happy in their regular lives.
The next day they heard that both Juneau and Fairbanks had both been leveled by the moon laser. Earl had perfected the frequency - or whatever they called it with lasers - enough to make it deadly.
Not to people, per se, but definitely to wooden structures, trees, anything rubber or plastic, and small animals.
Sadly, there were a lot of sobbing children in Alaska, and a lot of desperate parents promising that, as soon as they could, they would replace poor mister Freckles, or missus Lop Ear.
Tom and the rest of the squad met out on the runway tarmac. Helicopters were lifting off all around them. Jason couldn’t make it to see them off, but he’d given each of them his email address and phone number and made them promise to stay in touch.
Tom said goodbye to his squad mates, exchanged hugs and contact info, then climbed into the waiting helicopter. Another man from squad four was also from Arizona, so Tom had to sit in the back next to the luggage. He didn’t bother introducing himself or asking the other man’s name.
He just sat and stared out the window as the island receded from view.
He pulled out his phone and typed Samantha a quick text:
Hey babe. I’m coming home. Long story, but I’ll see you soon!
She replied with:
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! I’LL HAVE RAMEN WAITING FOR YOU!
Then, a few minutes later:
Oh, and I got rid of MOST of the bunnies, but you MIGHT have a new friend when you get here.
He grinned, and typed back:
Can’t wait to meet him/her. It BETTER be fuzzy and NOT scaly.
5
Alien Invasion
The NEA boxes stopped coming. The weekly forecast was no longer broadcast. Not on television, not in the newspaper, and not online. Nobody knew what to expect on Monday.
Tom woke early, made coffee, and fed the animals. Kibble for the kitty, mealworms for the frogs, beef jerky for the bunny (it was no longer vicious, but ignored any food that wasn’t meat).
After that was done he sat at the kitchen table and worked on a crossword. The blinds were drawn, the television and radio were off, and the condo was quiet.
Whatever was going on outside - and he was sure it was terrible - would have to wait. He was going to enjoy this little slice of peaceful domesticity.
Samantha padded down the stairs in her slippers. Her hair was tangled into some illogical geometric shape that reminded Tom of an M. C. Escher print. She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder, opened her left eye and peered at him.
“Unngh,” she groaned.
“It’s right here, babe,” he said, sliding her coffee mug closer to her. “I added the french vanilla creamer you like.”
“Unks,” she mumbled.
“You’re welcome. You want pancakes, eggs, bacon, french toast, or all of the above?” He grinned at her. “I feel like cooking.”
“Unkaegs,” s
he grumbled.
“You got it, babe.”
He pulled out the pans and the mix and the eggs and the bacon and started cooking.
He didn’t have to be at work, because he didn’t have a job. He could go back to Genesis Insurance Solutions if he wanted. Phillips had made it clear that he would find a place for him if the NEA training fell through, but Tom knew that probably meant he would be doing data entry, or filing or something. He was never a good salesman. Phillips had probably breathed a sigh of relief when Tom quit, knowing anyone he hired to fill the position would bring in far more revenue than Tom.
Samantha still had her job there as the receptionist, but had taken the week off to spend with Tom.
So neither of them had anything to do or anywhere to be. Tom was daydreaming about taking a road trip to the coast. It had been years since he’d seen the beach. He and Samantha could find some fancy hotel and drink cocktails and dip their toes.
Of course, that depended on what was going on outside. What fresh horrors awaited them.
He wasn’t ready to look yet. He was enjoying his fantasy.
Samantha’s face gradually transformed as the caffeine soaked into her bloodstream, going from dour and puffy to bright and cheerful. He plopped a plate of eggs, pancakes, bacon, and french toast onto the table in front of her and she looked up with a grin.
“Oh, my God! I’m so excited! Thank you for cooking. Did you feed the animals?”
“Yep. Everything is done. Just enjoy your breakfast.”
“Mmghatnks,” she said through a mouthful of food.
Tom served himself and sat down. He was just lifting his fork when the table started to vibrate.
The vibration grew stronger and stronger until the windows and dishes were rattling and the animals were meowing or ribbiting or shrieking in their cages.
Tom closed his eyes. Apparently the apocalypse was going to interrupt his day no matter what…
The vibrations turned to rumbles, then shaking. The condo walls were shivering and shifting. Pictures fell. A cupboard opened and Tom’s collection of coffee mugs started to bounce out, crashing onto the floor.
